Mainstream culture and media frequently portray it as a maladaptive coping skill for trauma or those who are very mentally ill. Older versions of psychology have heavily pathologized those who live in the BDSM realm. Although there are exceptions, BDSM has actually been shown be a healthy component of sexuality in recent years. Studies have discovered that those who participate in BDSM are happier, healthier, and can cope better with stress than their counterparts who do not. Thus, BDSM is not a disorder. It’s a normal expression of sexuality. All participants of BDSM are consensual and not forced into doing things they do not want to do.

BDSM itself can take on multiple forms, and the acronym stands for Bondage & Discipline (BD), Dominance & Submission (D/S), and Sadism and Masochism (S/M). The term BDSM is mostly utilized as an umbrella term to describe a form of sexuality activity that includes some kind of dominance and submission, although that can look like various things. 

Bondage is basically what it sounds like. It’s a kink that involves using some kind of restraints, either ropes, handcuffs, ribbons, or other ties to restrain a person (or people). In this form of BDSM, Bondage is usually coupled with a power dynamic. The person who is restrained would traditionally be seen as being submissive and the person who tied them up would be seen as dominant. Bondage can be incorporated with other elements of BDSM as well, such as sadism or masochism. In this form, the person tied up would be inflicted with pain of some sort, with the goal of enhancing sexual pleasure. It is important to note that there is usually a safe word involved, so that if the pain becomes too much, the sub states their safe word and the activity stops.

Sadism and Masochism are forms of expression, both sexual and nonsexual. They can be two elements of kinks in BDSM.  They refer to acts of receiving or giving pain that results in gratification. While Sadism and Masochism disorder do exist in the DSM, they are only pathologies when they are causing impairment or distress. There is an important distinction to be made when differentiating pain and distress. Pain CAN cause distress, but doesn’t always. Some people find it pleasurable or stimulating in a non-distressing manner.

Dominance is one of the key kinks incorporated into the BDSM spectrum. For this kink, a person takes on a role of being a Dom. Being dominant, unlike sadism and machoism, is more about power rather than physical contact or sensations (Barker, 2020). Because it is more about power than actual physical sensations, one can be a Dom in multiple areas of his or her relationship. It is not confined to just a sexual nature. The majority of people, however, choose to play a dominant role only when engaging in sexual activity (Barker, 2020). When it does not involve sex, being a Dom could look like making your partner do any act that involves giving up food. When being dominant does involve sexual activity, it mostly looks like the dominant ordering the submissive partner to do certain things. Dominance can also take place in the form of using punishment or restraints in order to obtain power over the partner. Unlike pure bondage, however, the eroticism stems from giving up control rather than the physical restraints.

Sexual submission is the opposite of dominance in BDSM. The partner who is submissive caters to the Dom’s whims and desire, although this is always consensual when in a heathy relationship. The whole goal of being submissive is to give up control to the Dom. This can take form in various ways, such as cooking whatever the Dom wants, acting out sexual fantasies the Dom wants, etc.
Being a Sub is a consensual practice that is enjoyable to the partner practicing submission. In some instances, however, it can be a signal that there is underlying psychopathology present. If a person is engaging in the behavior out of fear, then it is not healthy. However, this is usually not the case.

Incorporating “spice” into your sex life doesn’t have to look like going all out. It’s a spectrum of kink, including anything from using a blindfold to participating in a kink orgy party. If you want to incorporate BDSM into your bedroom but don’t know how, I’d suggest starting off slow. Using handcuffs, talking dirty, or edging as the beginning steps can be useful. Clear communication is KEY in this kind of sexual activity, so making sure your partner consents to all activities beforehand is crucial. Although it may be awkward, discussing hard limits with your partner can facilitate a healthy, kinky sex life.

In my next blog, I’ll be following up with more information on how to use BDSM or other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

See the full list here!

Parenthood encompasses, arguably, the one of the most major alteration in lifestyle out of anything. From pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, various changes are occurring both biologically and psychological in the person who gives birth AND their partners. These changes result in disruption of regular life, which means that relationships are affected. One of the main adjustments of parenthood? Your sex life.

From pregnancy and beyond, sex becomes different. New positions, varying hormone levels, and an overall feeling of being unwell contribute to a change in the way people experience sex while pregnant. This change is further amplified after baby is born. From newborn stage to teenage stage, the logistics of the parent’s sex life changes. Figuring out-when do we have sex? What if we’re too tired? What if our kids can hear us? What if they walk in on us and we traumatize them? How do we maintain a good sex life?

Foreplay’s “Sex After Kids,” addresses these concerns. Created by sex therapist Laurie Watson, and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews, this podcast discusses the common questions about sex after children. Both therapists validate parents and discuss the barriers of having sex after your little ones are born. The podcast also discusses barriers to sex postpartum. It’s important to know what’s happening to your body and hormones at this time.

Barrier One = Prolactin
This barrier begins during pregnancy, and it is often hormonal. Prolactin, a hormone produced to help breastfeed, reduces desire in women and alters lubrication, which can increase discomfort during sex. This makes sex less pleasurable and sometimes even painful.
Barrier Two = Sleep Deprivation
It is discussed in the podcast is lack of sleep and its disruption to desire within couples. Who wants to have sex when you’ve been up all night soothing a crying child?
Barrier Three= Overstimulation
A new baby needs lots of attention and is constantly physically clinging to them, to the point where they may not want any physical contact by anyone else due to overstimulation.
Barrier Four = C H A N G E S
A new baby creates rapid and dramatic schedule changes. Free time is suddenly gone, and it feels like everything revolves around your child. As Dr. Adam states, “Busyness is devastating for couples.” There is a common feeling among parents that your child is supposed to be the center of your world and you must do everything with them. This is further perpetuated by kids interrupting adult time. It begins to feel like no matter what, your child is going to be there in middle. Date nights stop, adult sexy time stops, everything stops so that your child feels included.

So, one of the keys to increasing your sex and overall relationship satisfaction? According to Laurie and Dr. Adam, making alone time for you and your spouse, even if it means excluding your kids from activities. Doing this will increase the opportunities to be intimate. Setting a strong boundary that parents have alone time to enjoy each other’s company fosters independence in kids, as well as the eventual desire of their own romantic relationship. It may seem uncomfortable in the beginning, but it’s good for them and their parents in the long run. As Laurie states, marriage comes first and family comes second. This sounds incredibly counterintuitive, but it makes sense in the grander scheme of things. Making your marriage a priority means getting your needs met, whether that be sexual, emotional, or physical. Your children see your healthy relationship and form a secure attachment because of it. There is an inherent gift in teaching your children the boundaries and passion of marriage according to Laurie. Allowing your children to pick up on your intimate connection is incredibly beneficial for the children and facilitates healthy peer relationships.

Overall, prioritizing your relationship will create the frequency and quality of your sex life. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

​See the full list here!

In the last couple of years I've seen the rise of a new fad-open relationships. Now ethical non-monogamy has existed for centuries and when approached in a healthy way is can make for a fulfilling relationship. However, with the rise in visibility of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, I've seen many couples approach opening up in an unhealthy way that ultimately dooms the relationship. Today we'll try to answer just what is ethical non-monogamy, is it right for you, and how you can open up in a healthy way. There are many great resources out there on this topic so if it interests you I would recommend reading a book or two on the topic before taking any steps. I'll refer some great books on the topic at the end. This blog will help feel out if that's a path you want to go down. To do a little clarification before we begin, we'll say very generally that polyamory/ethical non-monogamy refer to individuals who are happy in some form of non-dyadic relationship. Maybe they only love their partner but sleep with other people to expand the meeting of physical needs or maybe they are committed or loving to each person they are with. It varies. There is no one correct form of any of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.

The most important question I see people miss, and the one that gets people in the most trouble, is am I poly/non-monogamous? In my experience as a sex therapist ethical non-monogamy is an orientation in the same way that gay, straight, queer, etc. are orientations. They describe who we are, not who we choose to be. I couldn't decide to be polyamorous tomorrow the same way I couldn't decide to be gay tomorrow. Just like people come to terms with their sexual orientations and come out at different times in their lives, people do the same with their "relational orientation." As I said before, society is slowly becoming more accepting of different relational orientations, so more people are coming out. If you feel like this is who you are, or who you have always been, then maybe checking out one of the reference books will be a good step for you. There are also many different levels of ethical non-monogamy. Maybe you're ok with casually dating someone while they also date other people. Maybe you're ok with being married to someone and you both sleep with other people. Maybe you're in a committed relationship with more than one person. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy take many forms, and any of them may be right or not right for you. Now that we've got a little bit of an understanding of what these things are, we'll look at what they're not.

There are a number of ways I see the use of the titles of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy cause harm to people. The first of which is when one or both people in a relationship are not happy with their physical intimacy, so they suggest opening the relationship as a way to get needs met. You can decide to open your relationship all you want, but you can't decide to be someone you aren't. I could sleep with another man but it wouldn't make me gay. Something is going to feel horribly wrong, and this is only going to compound the problems that already exist in the relationship, especially around why sexual needs are being met in the first place. This can often come up when one partner has lower desire, a physical ailment, or even a long distance relationship. What needs to happen in this situation is to heal the relationship, not look to someone else to just fix things. A similar line of reasoning might be, "let's just have a baby together, that'll solve all our problems." Even in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, using the openness of the relationship to avoid internal problems is only going to make things worse.
​So here we've really got the two primary problems rolled into one. You can't just decide to be poly, and opening the relationship to avoid internal problems is only going to make things worse. I often see these two happen in tandem, and lead to the end of a relationship. One other thing I like to mention here is the difference between fantasy and reality. There are many people who find the thought of their partner having sex with someone else, or having a threesome etc., really sexy. There is nothing wrong with this, but there is a massive difference between indulging in this fantasy as fantasy, and making it happen in real life. It's ok to play with fantasies as ideas without making them happen for real. The last major problem I see is couples who are genuinely open to exploring their ethical non-monogamy/polyamory orientation, but don't understand what these things really entail. There is a lot of work that goes into figuring out how these things work for you.

When looking at opening your relationship there are many things to consider. We'll look at a few here, and if this is all sounding good to you then I would suggest the books at the end of the blog again. The first, and most important thing, is clarifying your boundaries. Every relationship has boundaries, even if we're not all that great about talking to each other about them. In a monogamous relationship there are some pretty standard cultural norms about what's ok and what isn't. Even with these norms in place I work with a lot of couples who get in trouble because they assumed their partner shared the same boundaries as them. In an open relationship these boundary norms disappear and the opportunity for harm increases exponentially, if you don't talk about it.

So best of luck to you in having a happy and healthy relationship, no matter what it looks like! Need a therapist who understands open relationships? Don’t wait any longer to get the marriage counseling or couples therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists have experience working with couples in open relationships. And, our relationship therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

You’re not alone. Many of the clients we get here are clients that didn’t feel they could bring up their sexual concerns to their therapist for a few different reasons, or their therapist referred them to us directly because they wanted their clients to get more specialized care.
First of all, to the therapists struggling to talk to their clients about sex: I get it. It’s hard. This point of this article is NOT to shame the therapist who struggles to talk about sex. We are very against shame of any kind as sex therapists. The point is to educate clients WHY their therapist may not be talking to them about sex so that instead of feeling like it’s about them (SHAME) they can see it’s 100 percent not about them.

Because a big part of my job is to train and supervise new therapists, I get to see firsthand how many therapists have not worked out their own stuff related to sex. With out this, it’s very difficult to then be able to help clients work out things related to sex. The first part is key. We can’t help you go places we haven’t been vulnerable with in some way with ourselves. This doesn’t mean we have to have gone through the exact same issue, but it does mean we have to figure out our own pre-conceived notions about sex from our own growing up that may or may not be helpful in the therapy room (ex: sexual shame). I have had to do my own work on this and continue to make it a priority in my life.

Back to the sexual shame thing again- some therapists hesitate to ask the question, “Is there anything about your sex life or sexuality that you want to discuss in therapy?” because they are afraid of what you might think of that question. They worry it’s too intrusive or assuming. They are worried they may offend you with the question.

So let’s say you do say you want to work on your sex life with your partner. They aren’t always sure of the questions to ask to help you figure out exactly what that means or what goals you could have related to that in therapy.

TALK ABOUT IT!
Tell them as straight forwardly as you can that you have some topics related to sex that you want to discuss in therapy. Likely, they will be happy you brought it up and ask you to tell them more. They will likely know their own capabilities and refer you out if they don’t feel they are the best person to help you, but you can also feel free to ask them if this is something they feel they can work with.
Some clients choose to continue to see their “regular” therapist and see us for the sexual related concerns. We are happy to help in whatever way feels best to you!

See the full list here!

If you have a vulva you likely struggle at times to reach orgasm during partnered sex. If you don’t know what your vulva is - it is the external part of the female genitalia and includes (among other things) your clitoris. Likely you just haven’t quite figured out your orgasm formula – the things you need in order to reach orgasm.