As you know this season of Love is Blind was full of drama and things to discuss. I am going to only discuss one portion for the purposes of this blog – and that is Clay talking about how he is afraid of cheating on AD. He says it so many times it sounds like a threat more than a discussion. Infidelity is a choice…but Clay had good reason to be worried about cheating due to his family history of infidelity. Clay had the right idea discussing his fears of cheating with AD, but he didn’t have the right follow-up or execution. When Infidelity is NormalizedIf you grow up seeing your parents or other role models doing certain things you are likely to emulate it. Even if you see these things and think you never want that to be you. Sometimes our unconscious gravitates toward the familiar even if that is not in our best interest. How to “Cheat Proof” Your RelationshipTalk About it with Your Partner Clay told AD that growing up he saw his dad and other male role models cheating. He said this led him to believe that this is what men did. I appreciate his honesty in telling her his fears about his own ability to stay faithful. But if sharing these fears with AD is the only thing he ever does to stay faithful he likely won’t be successful. Seek Therapy & Understand Your Values Clay should seek therapy and do a deep dive into what he witnessed and how it made him feel. He needs to intentionally sort out what he wants his own values to be in his marriage related to fidelity and make sure he is living by those each day. It is not sufficient to simply have the value to “not cheat”. What are the values that lead you to the conclusion that cheating is not something you want to be a part of your relationship? Sample Values Related to Fidelity
Co-create and abide by a marriage agreement around fidelityWhat do we each consider cheating? What do we consider inappropriate behavior that could lead to cheating? Some examples of things to discuss are listed below. Please note that just because a topic or behavior is on this list doesn’t automatically make it cheating or make someone likely to cheat. These are topics that everyone in a romantic/sexual relationship should discuss and come to an agreement on.
Consider talking to a couples therapist or online therapistSo Clay…if you’re reading this…remember that just admitting you’re afraid to cheat isn’t enough. Start with this list and go from there. And that goes for anyone else who may be afraid of sabotaging relationships with infidelity. Set your relationship up for success! Read about other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more.
Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaOur LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our mental health services include sex therapy, therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!
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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist There is a myth out there I want to bust - that you cannot honor and explore your queerness when in a committed, long-term relationship with a straight partner. This commonly believed myth perpetuates so much stigma and imposter syndrome within queer individuals who are with a straight partner or in a “straight passing” relationship. It can lead people to feeling like they don’t truly fit in anywhere, not with the LGBTQIA+ community but also not in the heterosexual space. I want to shatter this narrative. In this blog post I will dive into ways you can honor your queerness when with a straight partner, and spoiler alert, the answer is not just to have queer sex outside of the relationship. First Up - Shift Your Narrative Around Relationships and Queerness If you are feeling a sense of imposter syndrome with your queer identity because you are with a straight partner, or in a straight-passing relationship, it’s important to first define what being queer means to you. You may be facing quite a bit of homophobia or invalidation from others - people telling you it was “just a phase”, or accusations of lying about your identity or that you’re just looking for attention. These false narratives and microaggressions can be extremely difficult to break free from. They limit what being queer looks like to a very narrow window of acceptability, claiming you have to be with a certain person or look a certain way to “fit in.” However, the truth is that YOU get to define what being queer means for you. Your partner or how you look does not define your sexuality or gender identity. YOU DO. As much as I wish I didn’t have to write that, it’s common for people to need this reminder, because of our societal expectations. Below I will share some ways you can honor and express your queerness, but you are free to do whatever feels right for you, and be creative! Creatively Express Your QueernessThink about how you can express your queerness creatively. Try out any medium that feels right for you - painting, music, writing, talking - and express your definition of queerness. Find Your (LGBTQ+) CommunityThe next recommendation I have is to find your community. Get involved in your local LGBTQIA+ community by attending events, volunteering, reading books by queer authors, listening to queer musicians, attending queer art shows, following queer people on social media, or anything else that helps connect you with other members of the community. Some other resources that may be helpful to get you started:
Open Up to Your PartnerWhen you feel like you’re ready, it may be helpful to open up to your partner(s) about your identity, what it means to you, how they can best support you, and what this may look like within your relationship. Keeping your feelings and identity bottled up inside can contribute to the false narrative that your queerness is scandalous or something that should be hidden. When beginning this conversation with your partner(s), it’s important to pick a time when you both feel calm, centered, and have plenty of time to talk. It may also be beneficial to remind your partner(s) that this part of your identity is not a reflection of the relationship, but rather a part of you that you would like to explore more. Once you have shared, give your partner(s) space to share their thoughts and feelings. If you are struggling with this conversation, meeting with a couple or relationship therapist can be really helpful. When looking for a therapist, be sure to find a therapist who is LGBTQIA+ affirming to help you and your partner(s) navigate this. Exploring Your Queerness PhysicallyIf you are interested in exploring your queer identity physically, there are many ways to do that both in and outside of your current relationship. A great place to start can be through solo sex or masturbation. Try incorporating ethical queer porn or erotica into your masturbation routine. Honor any sexual fantasies that come up and lean into them however, makes sense for you. You could also incorporate ethical queer porn or erotica into partnered sexual activity if your partner(s) is on board. If you want sexual experiences with people of different genders than your partner(s), that is okay! Opening your relationship and exploring ethical non-monogamy is an option, but takes careful planning and consideration. Meeting with a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy can be a great place to have these conversations with your partner and figure out the logistics of how it would work for your relationship. Consider Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling with an LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapist in Plymouth, MNIn closing, remember that your queerness is all your own, and is never defined by anyone else. Also, in case you are wondering, YOU ARE QUEER ENOUGH, and you belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. Give yourself plenty of grace along this journey and reach out for help when you need it. A strong support system is crucial. Happy exploring! For more support and the marriage counseling or couples therapy you deserve, our sex therapists are ready to help. In fact, our relationship therapists can help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaOur therapists want to support people from all walks of life and all stages of relationships. In addition to couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Happy reading! We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!As BDSM and rough sex become more and more popular throughout the media, and in our lives it’s important to learn how to do things in a safe manner. Maybe you’ve always been curious about exploring the rougher side of sex and intimacy. Maybe there are certain roles or scenes you’ve wanted to try but aren’t sure where to start. Maybe you’re nervous about getting hurt physically or emotionally. This blog series is all about curiosity and exploration while teaching you the tools to keep you and your partner(s) safe. Kink/BDSM at its core is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There are always two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominants hold the control in scenes, whereas the submissives give up control in scenes. As the previous blogs have spoken about, Dominants and submissives have many different styles and work together to create a fulfilling scene and/or dynamic. But how do you begin to talk about what you want from a scene or dynamic? How do you make sure everyone is safe? In this blog post, I’ll be going over the ways to be safe and to negotiate for what you need and want in kink. The Best Scenes Are The Safest ScenesSafety is the number one rule in kink and BDSM. And not just physical safety but mental and emotional safety as well. Safety and concern for your partner within BDSM is the line that separates consensual acts from abusive and manipulative acts. There are many different guidelines and philosophies for safety within kink. It’s important to find one that fits your practice and lifestyle, as each has pros and cons. First, the most basic philosophy is Safe, Sane, and Consensual kink (SSC). This is the oldest ethical framework that exists for kink practice and came around even before BDSM and the community was truly a thing. This framework has a main focus on keeping individuals safe from harm, both physically and mentally. However, it lacks the spectrum that safety can exist on between completely harmless to extremely risky. And is it not up to the individual to decide what is safe enough to risk? That leads to what’s called Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This guideline took the previous ideas of Safe, Sane, and Consensual with the added factor of understanding the inherent risk to some kink activities. Consent is still the main component, but it understands that some kink practices, such as needleplay, can be inherently risky. It’s up to the individuals engaging in it to be aware of those risks and create as much safety as there can be within those agreed-upon scenes. The next philosophy that builds on the previous two is called Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK). This framework of course includes consent as well as being informed of the risks, but it adds another layer: personal responsibility. This is an important aspect of kink and boils down to being responsible for your own safety by informing your partner of your limits, and the risks involved, and using safe words when needed. It stresses that it is not just one person’s sole responsibility, usually the Dominant, to keep everyone safe in the scene. Each partner has a responsibility to each other and themselves to keep everything as safe as possible. Words to Stop and Words to GoSafe words are words or physical signals that are used to indicate how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, or physically in a scene. Safe words are generally used as a way to stop a scene when one or both partners need the scene to end for any multitude of reasons. A lot of times, individuals come up with an agreed-upon safe word that will indicate to the other person to immediately stop what they are doing and move to aftercare. However, there are also safe words that are used to let the other person know to either keep going or slow down. Safe words at their core are used to indicate how someone is feeling and don’t have to be used to only stop a scene. Many individuals use what is called the stoplight method. Green means to keep going, yellow means to slow down or check-in, and red means to stop everything immediately. This is a great way to keep the line of communication open during scenes and check-in, instead of waiting for someone to call out red or a hard stop safe word. Safe words are important communication tools and are directly in line with the PRICK philosophy of it being partly your responsibility to keep yourself safe. Drawing A Line In Sand And A Line In StoneLimits are important to discuss early on in dynamics and always need to be discussed before scenes so that important boundaries are not crossed. There are two main types of limits: soft limits and hard limits. You may be thinking, well a limit is a limit why differentiate? It is important to differentiate the two because they have very different meanings. Hard limits are boundaries that under no circumstance can be crossed. These can be things such as triggers, acts that you don’t wish to participate in, physical limitations, or even names you don’t want to be referred to as. Hard limits are never up for negotiation and must be respected by a partner at all times. If a partner attempts to push the boundaries of a hard limit that is a major red flag in that dynamic. In contrast, soft limits are things that you might be willing to explore or discuss. They aren’t things that are triggering for you or things that will cause mental and/or physical harm. They are typically acts or scenarios that you find some interest in but aren’t ready to explore yet, or they are acts that you don’t love but don’t hate and are willing to discuss their use. For example, let’s say you don’t love to kneel in the corner as a punishment, but you feel okay with your partner using it with your consent. That could be considered a soft limit that is discussed between both partners on how to use it. Soft limits are not something that should ever be crossed without your explicit consent and may be something that you never wish to cross. That’s okay. They aren’t set in stone as things you will try in the future. You can always change your mind about them and take them off the table at any time. They are also something that can be discussed and negotiated with a partner, but ultimately you have the final say about the soft limit. Exploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner's needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it's important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe. Sign On The Dotted LineNegotiations are putting everything I discussed above into practice. Negotiations are not just a one-time thing and should continue to happen throughout the relationship/dynamic. Communication about limits, likes, and safe words is always something that needs to happen before scenes and always while in a competent unimpaired headspace. This means discussed while sober, but it also means discussed without any type of power exchange weighing on the conversation. When negotiating, individuals are equal in their power so that one or both are not influenced to try and please the other. It is especially important that submissives feel safe during these negotiations to say no and state their limits and boundaries. There are many different ways to do negotiations. Many individuals find it helpful to fill out forms that can indicate their likes, soft limits, and hard limits. Usually, the forms have a space for each partner and can help facilitate discussions around matching likes and limits or contrasting likes and limits. Additionally, some individuals like, and even require, there to be a contract for a BDSM dynamic. It can sound scary, but it is made for the benefit of both parties, not to trap a submissive. It lists each person’s important likes and limits as well as the expectations for each person in the dynamic. It can also sometimes list rules for submissives, and what is required of their Dominant such as aftercare practices and check-ins. There is no wrong or right way to negotiate as long as it’s done in a safe and consensual manner before engaging in kink with another person. Explore In A Safe MannerExploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner's needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it's important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIf you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about BDSM. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"Click To Add TextSee the full list here! ReferencesAdriana. (2023, March 24). SSC, Rack, Prick & CCCC: Safety in BDSM Guide. Bad Girls Bible. https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-ssc-rack-prick
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Performance anxiety is a very common problem people run into when it comes to sex. There's pressure to please, be sexy, achieve erection or lubrication, have an orgasm, and so much more. It's no wonder so many people end up feeling expectation and pressure instead of anticipation and excitement around sex. This can lead to individuals or couples avoiding sex, intimacy, or even touch, as the problem continues to grow and build pressure the longer it goes unaddressed. Today I want to look at some of the primary causes of performance anxiety and a few ways to start working them out of your sex life. Sexual PerformanceThe first thing I want to address is the way we think about sex. Even the question "How can I stop my sexual performance anxiety?" portrays a mindset that isn't helping. So many people see sex as a performance. A show to be put on and rated or judged. When we think of performing, we usually think of a stage, being in the spotlight and striving for that standing ovation. This way of seeing sex immediately creates its own pressure, and pressure creates anxiety. It's natural to want to please your partner and be a caring and considerate lover. However, when we're performing, we're not sharing the experience with them, we're leaving them out of the equation. So how do we start shifting this mindset? Redefining Sexual Performance SuccessWhen I ask people in my office how they would define a successful sexual experience I most commonly hear things like: "It was fun", "We felt connected", and "We got to share something intimate." Most people don't want to define successful intimacy as "we mashed our bits together until someone had an orgasm and then we were done." For some reason though, this is the idea that our society has landed on as "success." It's also typically couples or individuals with this idea of sex that are experiencing the most "performance" anxiety. To start making this change, you can simply talk to your partner about how you'd each like to define successful intimacy. By broadening your definition of good intimacy, you reduce the pressure associated with sex. If success is a wider net, it's a whole lot easier to initiate knowing things can go well just by having the opportunity to feel connected to one another. The next piece of the performance mindset I want to look at is the fact that so many people try to shoot for the moon with each instance of sexual intimacy. The reality is that the sex you have is going to exist on a bell curve. There will be days when the sex is stellar and times when it's pretty mediocre and that's ok! Trying to have the best sex ever, every single time, creates an incredible amount of pressure. The thing is, if you're communicating well and have a healthy definition of successful intimacy, even if mediocre sex is going to be nice, it's still sex! Beyond that, by talking about sex and working on it as a couple, you can skew your bell curve so that things are more positive more often. As long as you know that sometimes it's not going to be the best and that's ok, you can take some pressure off. What happens if I fail?This question is one I see driving a great deal of sexual performance anxiety. There are so many people entering each session of intimacy fearing their partner's reaction to the loss of an erection, difficulty orgasming, orgasming too soon, and a myriad of other things. I like to acknowledge here that sex is important. A healthy sex life is key to an overall healthy and happy relationship. So the pressure you can feel around making sex work can be very real. However, I find that when people are struggling with fear of failure in sex, their view is very narrow. What I mean by this is that they worry that if things don't go well in any given instance of sexual intimacy, their partner is going to be hurt, reject them, or even leave them. While sexual challenges, if not discussed or worked on, can lead to relationships ending, this is true of any problem in a relationship. If you have a problem with conflict in your relationship, it'll eventually lead to the end of that relationship unless you address and resolve it. Sex is no more or less important than any other aspect of a healthy relationship. Patience and Commitment in Resolving Sexual ChallengesThe vast majority of relational problems take patience. We don't expect to fix communication overnight. Learning to effectively communicate using your partner's love languages can take time. Conflict management skills take years of practice to fully develop and never stop developing. But when it comes to sex, I see so many couples go into the bedroom aiming to just suddenly fix the problems they're having with no steps in the middle. Resolving sexual difficulties, performance anxiety included, takes time. Failing your sexual relationship is giving up on resolving problems, or never addressing them in the first place. As long as a couple is committed to addressing and working on their concerns, they're doing right by their relationship. Whether those problems are sexual or anything else. So let yourself back the pressure off of each sexual session and take a wider look at your sexual relationship as a whole. By giving yourself time, and trusting your partner, you reduce the pressure on any given moment and can take the time that's necessary to resolve the problem. Take the First Step: Consult a Plymouth, MN Sex Therapist for Personalized SupportSo, how can I stop my sexual performance anxiety? The best way to do this is through a restructuring of how you as an individual, couple, or otherwise, look at sex. Talk to your partner to redefine what successful sex is. Broaden your definition to reduce pressure. Talk about what it means if things don't go well in any given sexual encounter. Finally, give yourselves the time it takes to resolve an issue instead of hoping it magically gets fixed in one try. If after all of that, you're still really struggling, reach out to a sex therapist. We're always here to help! When you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, simply:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it also opens the door to finding new and exciting things about yourself and the world around you. Maybe it’s curiosity that brought you here to explore what kink and BDSM is all about. Or maybe it’s wanting to learn more about who you are in kink and BDSM. This blog series is all about curiosity, exploration, and giving you the inside scoop on what BDSM and kink is. Kink and/or BDSM at its core is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There are always two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominants hold control in scenes, whereas the submissives give up control in scenes. As the previous blog spoke about, Dominants have many different types of styles or combinations of styles. Similarly, submissives have many different styles and/or combinations of styles. In this blog post, we will be focusing on the submissive side of the exchange. Unlike Dominants, submissives don’t have set honorifics or ways in which they should be called. However, the name of their style and the way they describe their kink gives similar insight about who they are in kink. The Three Submissives: Submissive, Slave, SwitchSubmissive When describing submission there are three main umbrella terms that all styles fall into: submissive, slave, and switch. A submissive is an individual who enjoys giving up control within the confines of scenes or other specified scenarios and contexts that have been decided by both parties. Submissives have safe word/words as well as hard and soft limits that are decided by the individual. Hard limits are boundaries that a partner will not cross. Soft limits are things that may be explored at a later time but are not something someone wants to try right away and may never want to try down the line. Submissives typically do not have a total power exchange with a Dominant, but in some cases do develop one. Slave Slaves, in the context of BDSM and kink, are individuals who enjoy giving up complete control both in scenes and out of scenes. This is a completely consensual exchange and has nothing to do with what slaves are outside of kink and BDSM. They are typically a total power exchange relationship, where the Dom has complete control over nearly all aspects of the slave's life. Slaves also typically do not have safe words and do not have limits, or those limits are decided by their Dominant. Master/slave relationships take extreme levels of trust, and do not typically begin fully realized. Instead, they usually start out low risk with a lot of communication and a goal to eventually have a fully realized slave dynamic. Slaves usually follow a lot of rules and protocols, more so than any other style of submission. Switch Switches are individuals who enjoy being both a submissive and a Dominant. This can look a lot of different ways and is typically not an even 50/50 split between their submissive and Dominant side. Switches sometimes are in dynamics with other switches but can also function very well in dynamics with submissives or Dominants. Some individuals have dynamics that have scenes that are constantly changing in terms of who is the Dominant and who’s the submissive in scenes. Others are a submissive in one dynamic and a Dominant in a different dynamic. And there are some who are perfectly fine to just fill one role in a dynamic. There’s a lot of variety in how switches operate within the confines of BDSM. Dogs, Kittens, and Horses Oh MyThe previous Kink blog mentioned a Domination style of being an owner. While there are many aspects to being an owner, one main one is that typically pet play is present in the dynamic. Just as there are owners, there are pets. Individuals who consider themselves pets enjoy existing in an animal-like headspace during scenes and even outside of scenes. There are many different types of pets and different types of pet play. The most common animals are dogs, kittens, horses, pigs, and even sometimes wild animals such as wolves. Each pet has a different way of expressing their animal side and a different way of exploring the headspace in scenes. Some individuals like to be a lap pet and get a lot of cuddles and play with toys during scenes. Others enjoy doing training types of activities, such as learning to walk on a leash. The main aspect that all the different pet types have in common is wanting their Dominant to have an ownership role. Stuffies and The Littles Who Want ThemLittles and middles are the submissives who, generally, are the other half of Daddy/Mommy Doms. This isn’t always the case for all Daddy/Mommy Doms, but it is pretty typical for littles and middles to look for a caregiver or gentle-style Dominants. Littles and middles are individuals who enjoy scenes in a headspace that are younger than their own. This is also known as age play. Age play does not have to be any specific age, but instead focuses more on a feeling of youngness or a feeling of being more carefree than their adult headspace can create. Littles are usually individuals who find themselves in a headspace between toddler age to around age ten, whereas middles are individuals who enjoy a slightly older headspace around ages 10 to teenagers. It is important to note that age play has nothing to do with minors, and individuals who participate in age play are still fully cognizant of the fact that they are consenting adults. Whereas individuals who psychologically regress to a younger mental state are not cognizant of that fact and are not considered littles because they can no longer consent to adult activities when in a child mental state. Kinky Peter RabbitWhere there are riggers there are rope bunnies. Rope bunnies are individuals who enjoy being restrained as one of their main kinks, and typically enjoy shibari specifically. Shibari is Japanese rope bondage and is considered a form of bondage art. Bondage for submissives can be done for a number of reasons, sexual or otherwise. However, typically for rope bunnies, it creates a physical space of calm for them to disconnect and let go of the things around them. Many slip into what’s called subspace which is basically an altered state of consciousness, and can sometimes almost mimic a drug-induced high. Rope bunnies typically enjoy the physical aspect of being bound by their partner, but additionally enjoy the showcase of themselves as the art. This is sometimes done in public kink spaces, or even in photographs for themselves or others to see later. The Pain PlayersIndividuals who enjoy physical and/or mental pain are also known as masochists. Masochism is the other side of sadism, and it is not uncommon for an individual to be both a sadist and a masochist. Masochism can come in many different forms and many levels of extremes. For some individuals, light spanking is the way they allow their masochism to shine through and for others, they prefer things such as needle play. Both are genuine ways of expressing masochism. There isn’t a certain threshold to reach in terms of the amount of pain to be considered a masochist. Masochists are not limited to physical pain and can also enjoy mental or emotional pain such as predicament play, humiliation/degradation, and hypnosis. Masochism is typically not the only style a submissive has, but there are individuals who practice masochism as their main or only kink. Money Makes The Subs Go RoundFinsubs or financial submissives are individuals who enjoy a dynamic centered around money or financial domination. As I described in my last blog post about Findoms, there are many ways to express financial submission. Some individuals enjoy paying for certain items or experiences for their Dom, whereas others enjoy having their money controlled or taken from them. Often, the act of financial submission is fulfilling for the submissive, and there’s no need for any other type of reward. For instance, individuals who enjoy what’s called financial draining get a mental and emotional rush at watching the Dom deplete their bank account, similar to the rush others might get from sex or other kink acts. There isn’t one correct way to be a finsub and for many finsubs, their dynamics revolve completely around the financial submission. For others, however, it is just a main aspect of their dynamics with other kinks and styles playing a part. The HuntedFor animals, prey is something that is hunted and the same can be said for submissives who consider themselves to be prey and experience their primal side. Primal play is all about an exchange of power and energy between two people. There is a hunting and catching aspect to the play done either in a human or animal headspace. Prey are individuals who like to give some resistance to their Dominant by either running, hiding, or fighting back. However, it’s the act of being captured, and consensually forced into doing what their Dom wants, that is the exciting part for prey. Primal play is a very raw and passionate kink that is mainly focused on the exchange of energy between people. Spicy SubmissivesIndividuals who enjoy pushing their Dominant’s buttons and challenging them are called brats. Similar to prey where they enjoy being put in their place, brats also enjoy getting a reaction from their Dom that makes them assert their dominance over them. There isn’t the same exchange of energy between brats and their Dom as there is for prey and hunters. Instead, it is done more in a playful way and is usually a way to get their Dom to give them a punishment that they enjoy. That is also known as a funishment, a punishment that is planned and enjoyed by both parties. Brat’s Doms are not always brat tamers but it’s important to always gain consent from your partner before engaging in bratty behavior. Some Dominants do not tolerate that type of play at all and as such are not a good fit for submissives who enjoy bratting. Explore and Learn Who You Are in KinkExploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be a new and exciting avenue to venture down. Even if you’re just starting out, or have been exploring for a while, there is always more to learn about yourself and the community. There is no right or correct way to participate in kink as a submissive, slave, or switch, it’s all about what feels right for you. Being true to yourself and what you like is the best and safest way to be a submissive. Never feel pressured to fit the mold a Dominant wants you to fit or what books and movies make you think you should be. As always, the most important things in BDSM are communicating, creating safe scenes and dynamics, and enthusiastic consent throughout. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIf you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about BDSM. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Kink and BDSM has become a popular topic in recent years in books, movies, and social media. Many wonder what kink and BDSM is all about, and maybe you’re one of those people! What happens in those types of relationships? What are the different parts of practicing BDSM? Who are the different types of players and what are their roles? In this blog series, I’m going to give you the inside scoop on those questions and many more. Whether you’re just curious about it or ready to dive in, see what resonates with you and what aspects you might want to bring to your life. But, first things first: what even is Kink and BDSM? At its core, it is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. In the first two parts of this series, I’m going to be discussing the different roles that individuals take on in the power exchange. There are always at least two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. Part one will focus on the Dominant, who they are, and what they do. Dominants have many different styles and can go by many different titles, which are referred to as honorifics. Honorifics are important for a couple of reasons. They show respect for the Dominants’ position in the relationship, and sometimes within the community. They can also give information as to what style of Dom they are and how they practice their kink and BDSM. What is a Dom in kink?First and foremost, what is a Dom? A Dom (or the feminine version Domme) is someone who consensually holds the power in a BDSM relationship during sexual play, or at other agreed-upon times in the relationship. They only hold power freely given by their partner; they do not take that power by force or coercion. There are many different styles of Doms; none of which are the correct or only way to be, but instead offer a framework to grow into your own Domination style. You may find yourself fitting into many of these styles, none at all, or both dominant and submissive styles (covered in part 2 of the series). These descriptions are generalizations of each style and do not encompass every way of participating in BDSM as a Dom. Kink Roles: Master/MistressA Master/Mistress style Dom is the style that individuals usually think of when they think of BDSM and is a very large umbrella encompassing many different versions. In general, this style of Dom holds a lot of control both in and out of scenes, and they usually have certain protocols surrounding their relationships/dynamics. While all Domination styles can, and usually do, include certain protocols Master/Mistress styles tend to be stricter in protocols for both them and their partners. Some Masters/Mistresses are considered High Protocol which is an elevated level of protocol and control in their relationships. Those individuals tend to have what’s called total power exchange (TPE) relationships, which are typically a 24/7 arrangement. In those relationships, the Dom is in control of many if not all aspects of their partner's life. On the other side some Master/Mistress style Doms exert a lot of control within scenes and play spaces but don’t have as much control or protocol outside of those spaces with their partners. Like many of these styles, there is no single way to do it and there can be a lot of variety. What is a Sadist?A Sadist style Dom is one who finds the most fulfillment from doing different types of consensual pain play and/or mind play with their partner. This can include a wide range of activities and can include but does not have to include physical pain. Examples include impact play, needleplay, predicament scenes, humiliation, degradation, etc. Their Domination and practice are generally centered around these types of play but are typically combined with other styles. However, there are individuals who consider Sadist their main or only Dom style. Hunter/PrimalSomeone who mainly enjoys primal play or primal style scenes may consider themselves a Hunter or a Primal Dom. They enjoy the chase and satisfaction of catching their prey. This can either be done in a human headspace or in an animal headspace. It can have overlapping features to pet play, but primal play and Primal Doms are usually distinguished by the actual hunt and attack aspects of the play. They tap into their primal nature, emphasizing the physical and emotional exchange of energy. One thing that makes Primal Doms different from other Doms is that they enjoy and expect consensual resistance from their partner. They expect their partner to run, hide, or even fight against them. The hunting aspect for Primal Doms is just as important as what follows. Similar to Sadists this can be just one part of their overall style of Domination, or it can be their only Dom style. OwnerAn owner can mean a couple of different things in BDSM. Plainly speaking it means to have consensual ownership of a partner in an agreed-upon relationship/dynamic. When it comes to the Dom style, however, that can also mean that you enjoy participating in pet play and owning a pet. Owners typically have partners that like to participate in pet play as one of their, or possibly only, types of kink play. Depending on the type of animal headspace their partner is drawn to, the Owner's style can vary. Some individuals enjoy having partners that they can train and control, whereas others enjoy having a partner that is more of a playful lap pet. Through the use of toys and accessories, an immersive experience is usually created for both parties to find fulfillment in. Daddy. Mommy. Caregiver.Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver style Doms take on a more nurturing approach to their Domination with their partner. They typically are gentler in their approach, but not always any less strict than other Dom styles. They enjoy guiding and providing structure and protection for their partner. The Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver Doms do not always adhere to the typical gender title; just as there can be female Daddys, there can also be male Mommies. Many times, this style of Dom engages in some sort of age play with their partner or “little”. However, it isn’t something that is required or always happens in this style of Domination. There can be some differences between a Daddy Dom and a Mommy Dom depending on how individuals practice. Daddy Doms typically are stricter, and more rule and structure-focused than Mommy Doms who are focused more on the nurturing and guiding side. RiggerIndividuals who consider themselves Riggers enjoy bondage as their main or only kink, specifically rope bondage. They feel fulfillment and enjoyment from creating rope art, also known as shibari, through intricate ties and often suspensions. By taking away the freedom of movement they create for their partner a place to be free emotionally and mentally. To be alone; to destress. Like other styles, they have a strong focus on the safety of their partner when in these bondage scenes. It takes a lot of training and practice to become skilled in shibari. They can create a lot of different scenes and sensations based solely on the material they use. FindommeFindommes or Financial Doms are those who enjoy and find fulfillment through Dominating their partner financially. This can be done in a lot of different ways. Some Doms have their partner or finsub send them money every month or have them pay for different things in their life. Some enjoy doing what’s called drains, where their sub watches as their money is taken out of their accounts. Others just enjoy controlling their partners' budgets and how they spend their money. There are many ways to do Financial Domination. For many individuals this is their main kink, but just like the others it can be in combination with other styles and other kinks. Enthusiastic Consent for BDSM & DominationThere is no right type or wrong type of Domination in BDSM, as long as it’s all done with enthusiastic consent from your partner or partners. Which also includes extensive negotiations between partners, so everyone feels safe and that their needs are being met. The most genuine style of Domination is one that is almost an extension of yourself; not one that feels forced or put upon. BDSM and Dominance can be a new and exciting avenue to explore with a partner. However, it’s important to go slowly and communicate with your partner about your interests and explorations in this area. If you don’t have a partner Dominance can still be explored through self-exploration of likes and dislikes in kink. Both topics, and many more, will be discussed in future blog posts. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope this has helped you get more information on how to use BDSM, help you consider how to try BDSM or incorporate other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT If you've done any couples therapy or spent time researching how to better your relationships on your own, you've probably heard of Gottman Therapy. John Gottman has been one of the most prolific researchers on couples therapy for decades, having authored over two hundred scholarly articles and more than two dozen books. With such a wealth of information, it can feel overwhelming when wondering where to start learning from his work. Today, I want to go over some basic Gottman Therapy concepts that you can start putting into practice in your own life and relationship. Discovering the Power of Gottman Method Couples TherapyPeople always give knowing looks when they say things like "relationships are work" but many people don't actually know what that work entails. Most people chalk it up to thinking that sometimes couples fight, or that things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. While it's true that relationships have challenges unless you're approaching them in a healthy way you're not "doing the work" you're just fighting. The work relationships take is about building and maintaining connection while handling conflict in a productive way that also moves your relationship forward. Let's look at a couple of ways Gottman therapy approaches these things. Building Strong Connections: The Love Maps of Gottman TherapyThe first thing I really like to educate couples on is Gottman's concept of Love Maps. A Love Map is your road map to another person. It's everything from their favorite color or flavor of ice cream to understanding how they'd prefer to be comforted after a hard day or their relationship with their parents. Learning this information about your partner allows you to interact with them on a level that no one else can. My favorite thing about love maps is that they make your partner feel seen and appreciated as an individual. One way to do this is by using Love Maps to enhance the love languages to be a perfect fit for your partner. For example, if my girlfriend is having a bad day, I could pick up some flowers for her on my way home. This is already using love map knowledge. I have to be taking in love map information consistently enough to know that she's having a bad day. However, this is still just a basic use of the "gifts" love language. I know that McNuggets are her biggest guilty pleasure and if I bring those home instead of flowers she'll be much happier. By using what we know of one another to improve how we interact, we deepen our connection. One way to put in the work in a relationship is by always continuing to learn about your partner. After a couple of years together many people end up feeling like they know everything about their partner, but we are all constantly changing and growing so you can never stop learning. Navigating Conflict with Gottman Therapy: The Four Horsemen of Relationship DoomNext, let's look at some of Gottman Therapy's ideas about conflict. Conflict is challenging and unavoidable in relationships. Unfortunately, just having the fight isn't necessarily putting in the work. For all of us, there is always growing room and work to be done in how we do conflict. The first concept to look at here is how we start conflict. When conflict starts with an attack, the other person immediately gets defensive, even if the attacking partner's frustration is justified. Gottman calls this the "harsh startup." Softening your startup can be hard work. When we're upset about something we want to make our frustration heard. However, a harsh startup accomplishes the opposite of this by putting your partner on the defensive, where they are unwilling to listen. A good way to know if you or your partner are using a harsh startup, or to avoid doing so, is by looking for the presence of Gottman's four horsemen These horsemen are harbingers of doom for any relationship whether you're seeing them in conflict or anywhere else. These may come up for any couple, but if they do so consistently, it spells the end of the relationship the vast majority of the time. The Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Let's look at these four and how they come up in conflict.
Putting in the Work: Tips for Conflict Resolution and Relationship EnhancementIf you can work to keep these horsemen out of your conflict, you're really putting in the work. One tip I like to give people is to ask themselves what they really want when they engage in conflict. I think the number one answer is to be heard, and to have the conflict resolved. While it may feel satisfying to be sarcastic or petty, these things aren't helping you accomplish what you really want. Reminding yourself that it's in your own best interest to avoid these horsemen can help avoid them. Your Journey Starts Here: Recommended Reading for Gottman Marriage CounselingGottman has a mountain of good literature and we'll be back to look at more concepts from his work! If you want to read about any of this on your own, I highly recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It's a great place to start putting in the work. Consider Gottman Couples Therapy in Plymouth, MNDon’t wait any longer to get the Gottman method couples therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to Gottman method couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT In recent years we've begun to take small steps as a society in making it ok to discuss our sexuality and the challenges that it can present in our lives and relationships. One result of this change has been increased openness and conversation around porn use. Unfortunately, this has led to a lot of sensationalism and buzzwords being thrown around. Primarily, porn addiction. Today I want to really take a look at the idea of porn addiction. As part of this discussion, I'll also include how ideas around healthy personal sexuality show up in our relational sexual experience as well. "Porn Addiction" Isn't Actually a ThingTo address the elephant in the room right away, let's talk about porn addiction. To put this as clearly as I can, porn addiction doesn't exist. This may cause some backlash or frustration for some but hear me out. Addiction is a very real and very serious concern. Addiction refers to a specific situation in which a thing is, in and of itself, addictive. Alcohol, Meth, nicotine, caffeine. These substances have legitimate chemical compounds that cause addictive feedback loops that can alter and control brain chemistry. No one is going to be retching on the floor going through porn withdrawals because they don't exist. Now, all this being said, porn use can certainly mimic some addictive behaviors, but there is one incredibly important difference when it comes to porn use. This difference is that porn is an incredibly effective maladaptive coping skill. When an individual is in pain, they seek any way to make that pain stop. They will lie, steal, cheat, and even cause harm to their lives and relationships to make that pain stop. Our primal drive to escape from pain is one of our most powerful and instinctive motivators. So, when someone discovers that porn can make that pain go away, even for a short time, they become compulsively driven to return to it. What they are "addicted" to is not being in pain, not the porn itself. All of these same things could be said of a shopping "addiction." For instance, somebody who is struggling with their mental health may find that buying new things gives them a brief high, where they can feel good. They may even drive themselves to financial ruin or cause major conflict in their relationships because they can't stop buying things. It's the only way they know how to make the pain stop. How Pain and Porn Relate, ReallySo, what is this pain? One of the main problems with this issue is that men, who primarily struggle with compulsive porn use, are not raised or cultured to be very emotionally intelligent or articulate. Nine times out of ten when I work with men who are struggling with this issue, they begin by telling me they have no idea why it's happening. However, as we explore their history and emotions, they're able to identify internal negative feelings about themselves, unprocessed trauma, depression, etc. Without the ability to identify your own internal pain, it's almost impossible to identify why you are compulsively using porn, let alone articulate those complex feelings to a partner. The amazing thing about this distinction is that if we can work in therapy to resolve this internal pain and teach healthy coping skills, the compulsive nature of the porn use entirely goes away. This is so important. So many individuals and couples that I talk to about this are terrified that they will have to cope with porn addiction in their lives or marriages forever or are worried they will have to end a relationship because of it. By treating the underlying issues we can truly fix this problem, and that's a hopeful thought. Sex Communicates a LOT of Different ThingsI want to take the time to note that these ideas are true of partnered sex as well. Sex communicates so many wonderful things: love, connection, value, desire, and so much more. And it should! Sex is a wonderful thing. However, these powerful messages can also serve as a powerful painkiller for internal pain. This can lead individuals to compulsively crave sex and pressure their partners for more intimacy as a way to feel loved, good, enough wanted, etc. As I said, sex should communicate all of these things, but if you don't already feel them internally then you end up relying on sex for them and that creates an unhealthy relationship with sex. Concerned About a Porn "Addicted" Partner?The biggest message I want to communicate with everything I've said here is this: If you're scared that you or your partner are addicted to porn/sex, help them explore why they're using. What does it do for them? What are they getting out of it? Seek a sex therapist who uses the compulsive sexual behavior model and not a sex addiction model. If you're just treating the porn use, you're just putting a band-aid on a much deeper problem. No matter how many skills for control you stack on top of this, if you don't heal the deeper wound, the reason why the compulsive behavior is happening in the first place, then nothing is going to change. You can overcome this issue, you just need the right help. Consider Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.Sex and sexuality can be an incredible part of our lives as individuals or as partners. So many people have that joy taken from them, whether that's through sexual trauma, negligent education, cultural shame, or any number of reasons. You deserve to have sexuality be a bright spot of happiness in your life, not a place of fear or shame. We often say of sex therapy that when things are going well, sex is 10% of your life, it's important but so are other things. When sex is going wrong however, it becomes 90% and can feel like it's taking over your life. Let us help you take those first steps to taking your sex life back. If you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, we can help!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller There frequently seems to be a myth that lubricants are only for people with vaginas who struggle with vaginal dryness. That is absolutely not the case. There is a lube for everyone and every type of sex. Sex researcher Debby Herbenick found in a research study that the use of lubrication was associated with more pleasurable and satisfying sex and masturbation. Not only can lubricants make sex more enjoyable, but they can also make sex safer! Yes, you heard that right. When having sex with a condom, using a lubricant makes it less likely for the condom to rip or tear, therefore decreasing your risk of pregnancy and STI transmission. Lube can also reduce the chance of tears in your skin, which again decreases your risk of STI transmission. Keep reading for some more things to consider as you start to incorporate lube into your sex life. The History of LubeLube is not a new concept, in fact, it has been around for thousands of years. Around 350 BCE, people were using olive oil to help things glide more easily during vaginal and anal sex. Just to be clear, DIY lubricants are no longer recommended, particularly for penetrative sex. K-Y Jelly became the first product to be marketed and sold as a personal lubricant in 1917, however, it was only available by prescription from your doctor until the 1980s. In the 80s, lube continued to take off to where it is today, commonplace and easily purchased at most grocery stores and pharmacies. Different types of lubes and what to consider when you buy:Water-based lube: This is a versatile option, which can be used solo, with a partner, with a condom, or with sex toys. Water-based lubes are compatible with every sex toy material, including silicone, which is not the case for all other lubes. Silicone Lube: This is typically considered one of the most long-lasting lubricants, therefore, it is typically recommended for penetrative sex whether that is vaginal or anal. Because silicone lubes are more slippery and don’t dry out as quickly, silicone lube can also be used for water play. They are compatible with condoms, but not with silicone toys, so beware of that before using. Oil-based Lube: This is a great option when you do not plan on having penetrative sex. Oil-based lubes are not recommended for internal use (vaginally or anally) but are a great steamy addition to male solo sex or an erotic massage. Specialty Lubes: There are also a wide variety of fun lubricants to help add some spice to your sex life. This can include flavored lubes, warming and tingling lubes, and THC-infused lubes. It might be important to do more research to ensure that these lubes are right for you. Some things to remember are that flavored lubes are best for adding a delicious taste to your next oral sex adventure but are not as great for penetrative sex. Pleasure-enhancing lubricants can be a fun way to increase sensations, but it is important to test the lubricant on your wrist or arm before your genitals to make sure that you don’t have an allergic reaction. Similarly, THC-infused lubricants have a sensitizing effect but are only available in some states and for people over the age of 21. Lube is amazing, why isn’t everyone using it?I hope I have been able to convey that lube can be an incredible tool for increasing sexual pleasure and satisfaction. So then why was it that in 2020 nearly 250 million Americans said that they do not use lube? It appears that there can still be some embarrassment about using lube during sex. Ms. Brown, a sex coach and self-described “lube enthusiast” stated that “We live in a society where a self-lubricating vulva and vagina is celebrated and one that does not is shamed.” I understand where that fear of lubricants is coming from, but this is not just a tool for dealing with sexual dysfunction, it is a tool for everyone to increase pleasure! Find the Best Lube for YouI am predicting that this embarrassment is about to change because lube is having a moment. Gone are the days when your lube comes in a dingy plastic tube that you want to hide away and causes a mess every time you use it. Now lube is coming in chic packaging that makes it resemble a high-end beauty product. Brands like Maude, Bloomi, Foria, and Dame, are all going to great lengths to make sure that their bottles are so aesthetic that you want to display them proudly on your nightstand. Want to join the lubricant movement? Figure out what type of lube is best for you, find a bottle that pleases your eyes, and show off that bottle where people can see it. It can be a great conversation starter and it could drastically improve your sexual pleasure. Want to Talk With an Expert? Begin Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.It's not just lube that is having a moment. Sex therapy is becoming more popular and normalized, too! If you've been wondering about topics of a more intimate nature and want support, an expert sex and relationship therapist in our Plymouth, MN therapy practice can help. Let us help you take those first steps to embracing your sex life more fully. In fact, we can help you wherever you are in the state via online sex and relationship therapy in Minnesota!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex and relationship therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. Sources: We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller June is Pride Month! As a masters-level intern at a Plymouth, MN based sex therapy practice, I think that it is essential to center LGBTQ rights in my personal and professional life. At the core of my sex therapy practice is a belief that all people deserve bodily autonomy and the ability to express their sexuality in safe, respectful, and affirming environments. I believe it is essential that all people advocate for LGBTQ liberation because everyone deserves the right to have freedom over their bodies. In the words of the great civil rights leader Fannie Lou Hamer, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” A good place to start is to learn more about the history of the Gay Rights Movement and Pride Month. Continue reading to learn about the Stonewall Riots, why Pride matters, where we are today, and how to celebrate. Pride! A brief history.Pride month is a commemoration of the Stonewall Riots that took place in June 1969. Stonewall Inn was a gay bar in Greenwich Village Manhattan, a place where LGBTQ individuals could express themselves and socialize without worry about public stigma. The Stonewall Inn became a New York institution, welcoming drag queens, homeless gay youth, and the LGBTQ community at large. However, engaging in “gay behavior,” such as kissing, holding hands, or dancing with someone of the same sex was still illegal at the time. Therefore, police would often harass and raid gay bars. On June 28th, 1969, Stonewall was raided by police who arrested patrons and took them into police vehicles. Customers and onlookers became increasingly upset about this act of police violence and started to fight back, starting a 6-day protest event and eventually forcing the police to retreat. The following year, on the anniversary of the Stonewall riots, activists wanted to build on that spirit of resistance and organized the first-ever Pride parade. The theme “Gay Pride” was selected as the antithesis of the shame that was so prevalent in the gay community at the time. Three Reasons Why Pride Matters:
The Commercialization of PrideIt is also important to recognize the ways that corporations coopt the meaning of Pride and profit from “rainbow-washing.” Rainbow washing is the act of advertising gay Pride through rainbow colors in order to indicate solidarity with the LGBTQ community without providing pragmatic support to that community. There has been concern that Pride is abandoning its roots in protest and revolution and is instead becoming a party. While it is important to have spaces where LGBTQ folks feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves authentically, wearing rainbow colors, and spending time together, Pride is about more than just that. Pride is about creating radical change in our society. I would encourage each of you to think about the ways that you celebrate Pride, particularly those of you that identify as LGBTQ allies. Are you providing financial contributions to organizations that are actively fighting for LGBTQ rights and well-being? Are you engaging in the work of activists, particularly LGBTQ people of color? Or are you engaging in performative allyship by purchasing a rainbow item from a corporation that does not hold LGBTQ at the forefront of its business? How and Where to Celebrate in the MN Twin CitiesPride will take place June 23rd to June 25th at Loring Park in Minneapolis. The 51st annual Twin Cities Pride Festival will feature local BIPOC and LGBTQ+ vendors, food courts, a beer garden, and music stages. Learn more about upcoming events and how to get involved here: https://tcpride.org/festival/. LGBTQ-Centered Therapy in MinnesotaAt the Sexual Wellness Institute, our therapists are trained to facilitate LGBTQ-centered therapy and position topics of power, privilege, and difference at the forefront of our work. Whether you are seeking to explore your gender and sexual identity, cope with societal stigma and LGBTQ oppression, or looking for techniques to enhance your sexual satisfaction, we have therapists that are ready and able to help. Reach out today because you deserve a safe space to receive affirming care. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT First let's answer the question: what is sex therapy?There can often be misconceptions about sex therapy and to put it simply, sex therapy is just like normal therapy except we're addressing sexual topics. Just like in standard therapy, we take everything at a pace that will feel safe and comfortable for everyone involved. We recognize that starting therapy can already be challenging enough and we take the increased vulnerability that comes with talking about sex very seriously. Sex therapy is a specialty and I always like to mention that our therapists are foundationally trained as general therapists. This means that we can help with whatever other issues may be a part of your sexual concerns as well, whether that is anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship distress, or just about anything else. We like to focus on sexual concerns because that's what you're coming to us for, but don't be afraid to mention other concerns as well. Here are just a few examples of what you might want to address in sex therapy:Getting Started with Online Sex Therapy in MinnesotaMeeting a new therapist can be tough. To start we offer free 30-minute consultations to make sure you feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Once you've found your therapist, they'll take a detailed life history to ensure your treatment is tailored to fit your needs as well as your values. We'll talk openly and without shame about any and all sexual concerns you may have. One common myth about sex is that it should just be easy and happen smoothly and naturally. Human sexuality is incredibly complicated, especially when we start mixing our own with one or more partners. We can help you better understand your own sexuality as well as how to effectively communicate about it with a partner. How Long Will Sex Therapy Take?Unfortunately, there are no guarantees on how much time therapy will take. It depends on what your concern is as well as many other factors. I can say that research has extensively shown that just signing up for therapy can begin to make things feel better. Knowing that you're actively addressing concerns and making progress on goals does a lot to alleviate the strain of sexual problems. Your therapist will also give you new tools and skills to begin reducing the negative impact of any sexual concerns. Some therapy lasts 6 weeks and some therapy can take years. You can begin and quit therapy at any time, there are no contracts locking you into a certain number of sessions. Sexual Enrichment Through Sex TherapyThis phase of sex therapy is where you can really start building your ideal love life. Whether you're coming into therapy ready for enrichment or want to keep working forward after overcoming any sexual challenges, sexual enrichment is what takes your love life to the next level. The sex education most of us get is little more than a glorified biology lesson about human reproduction, and hardly an education on human sexuality. We can help you discover how to truly get in touch with your sexuality, how to identify and communicate your desires or fantasies to your partner, as well as how to make them happen. It's important to mention that sex therapy will never include any level of disrobing or sexual activity in session, we're just helping you talk through these ideas and to feel confident in implementing them in your own life. Sex Therapy Online or In-Person?When I first started doing online therapy during the pandemic, I was very worried I wouldn't be able to provide the same level of care as in-person sessions. Over the last 3 years I have found online therapy to be just as beneficial and productive as in person sessions. Telehealth therapy allows for sessions in the comfort of your own home and can often be much more convenient than driving to the office. Sex therapy can also be hard to find, especially outside of the Twin Cities. Our clinic offers services across the entire state through online therapy in Minnesota. We also offer hybrid scheduling allowing you to be in person or online depending on your schedule and convenience. We use a secure and HIPAA compliant platform to conduct all our online therapy sessions to ensure your privacy and data security. What are you waiting for? Begin Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.Sex and sexuality can be an incredible part of our lives as individuals or as partners. So many people have that joy taken from them, whether that's through sexual trauma, negligent education, cultural shame, or any number of reasons. You deserve to have sexuality be a bright spot of happiness in your life, not a place of fear or shame. We often say of sex therapy that when things are going well, sex is 10% of your life, it's important but so are other things. When sex is going wrong however, it becomes 90% and can feel like it's taking over your life. Let us help you take those first steps to taking your sex life back. If you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, we can help!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Love is Blind AF for Chelsea & KwameIf you are watching season 4 of Love is Blind you are probably getting the “icks”. I am getting the major icks with Chelsea & Kwame. Neither of them are bad people, but man they are F O R C I N G it. Love is blind in that they are blindly pretending to be in love for the wrong reasons. Back in the pods, I remember Chelsea sharing that she wanted kids so bad she was probably just going to have to do it herself without a husband. She came into this show in a pretty desperate place. Then, when the topic of kids came up and Kwame said he wanted to wait, Chelsea started throwing out all these different scenarios in which she would essentially be raising the kids on her own, home schooling them so they could travel, etc. Girl. Where did you learn that you have to lose your identity and wants and needs in order to be in a relationship? This is a recipe for unhappiness for both of you. It’s so clear throughout the show the Kwame is not into this. He flirts with Micah every chance he gets. He complains about moving to Seattle. When Chelsea is being herself, he seems to be really turned off by it. After they got married (yes this shocked the heck out of me) they are hugging under an umbrella and she calls him her husband, and laughs in her Chelsea way – he turns away in annoyance but then tells her it feels amazing to hear. Kwame – why are you also forcing this? Like I said, the icks. Micah & Paul: Paul is Great, Micah Needs New FriendsMicah - you are who you surround yourself with and your friends are awful. We all know what I’m talking about. Micah has one friend that seemed more determined to get drunk and be rude to Paul than actually celebrate her friend who is taking a big leap in her life and needs support. Paul stood his ground with the friend, which only seemed to make her more mad and decided to continue to tell Micah that she doesn’t like him and he’s not the guy for her. She was butt hurt by Paul so selfishly she decides to try to ruin the relationship. Very mature. When Paul said no at the altar and Micah walked away in tears her friend is smiling, laughing, and telling others around her that she is “relieved”. Way to make it about you girl. Brett & Tiffany: Authentic Vibes OnlyUnlike other couples, these two fell in love with each other for exactly who they are, and isn’t that exactly what you want? To wake up everyday feeling like you are with someone who loves and supports you exactly who you are? Those authentic vibes will help them soar as a couple and individuals. This marriage therapist approves. Marshall: Found Love, Just Not How He Expected.I can’t not mention Marshall. Marshall didn’t find love in the way he intended on this show, but man, did he find love in the audience, and in his friends from the show. I especially appreciate the connection between Marshall and Brett right before the wedding. They connect during this important moment for Brett and share their love and support for each other. To see two men share words of “I love you deep down” is absolutely heartwarming to witness. Earlier in the season Marshall succinctly shares how important to it is for “men who look like us” to share their feelings. Indeed Marshall, indeed. Wishing you the absolute best WITHOUT Jackie. And that’s all I’m going to say about Jackie. Zach & BlissZach got a bad rep early on in the show for being “creepy” and for picking Irina. Zach has been through some shit in his life, and is in some ways clearly still going through it. I can see how his upbringing, trauma, and struggles within himself contributed to him picking the wrong woman. Bliss mentioned her family might not be accepting of her and he really started to panic about that and I think that was ultimately the reason for his initial picking of Irina. But let’s not be so quick to blame him. Haven’t we all been guilty of this? We just didn’t have everyone witness our mistake on television with millions of viewers. Even though it might be understandable that Zach Initially picked Irina, I think Bliss is not so blissful about it. She can be heard making sarcastic and passive aggressive comments every chance she gets about being his second choice. In the final interview of the last episode she said “he owes me a vacation and it can’t be Mexico”. Okay honey, get it all out now. This won’t work if you can’t get over his initial bad choice. Still Waiting for the Love is Blind Live Reunion Show to Start? Read More.Read about other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more.
Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaOur LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our mental health services include sex therapy, therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT As social perception/judgment of consensually non-monogamous relationships slowly changes, many new terms have entered common parlance that you may not be familiar with or understand. Consensual non-monogamy (also called ethical non monogamy or open relationships) can feel confusing, so today we're going to take a deeper look at consensual non-monogamy to help you better understand yourself and your own feelings, or better understand and empathize with others who may feel differently from you. Relationships are not black and whiteI want to start this conversation by showing that what we're really talking about here is a scale, and not a categorical choice. Even among monogamous couples, monogamy means different things. Each individual, and therefore each couple, has different ideas and boundaries for what monogamy means. Some couples may be comfortable with their partner flirting or being hit on at a bar, another couple might find looking at porn as cheating. One couple might enjoy discussing celebrities they think are sexy while another might find that very hurtful. All of these couples can define their relationships as monogamous. So, what we're looking at here is not a clearly defined idea. One thing I can say as a therapist is that open or not, all relationships are incredibly complex. Let's look at interesting things to consider when thinking about consensual non-monogamy. CompersionCompersion is the idea that we feel happiness when others are happy simply because we are happy for them. For example, feeling happy because your partner got an award at work, and you can see how happy they are. This happens even when their joy doesn't involve us or benefit us. I've felt strong compersion for my cat listening to her purr while someone else pets her, simply because I know she's loving the attention. Compersion is a key component of poly relationships. These people simply extend that feeling to see their partner have fun flirting, enjoying new relationship energy, or having sex with another person. If you can be happy for someone else, even if it doesn't benefit you, then you can understand how these people feel. We all have different boundaries and comfortabilities, and understanding doesn't mean you have to want this for yourself. But understanding helps us remove judgement or identify those same feelings within ourselves. Vocab LessonsIt can feel like there's a never-ending parade of new terms and ideas to learn around dating so let's review some general terminology that can be helpful in any conversation about ethical non-monogamy. Note – this is not an exhaustive list of terms related to open relationships. Compersion: as we already discussed this is "sympathetic joy." Feeling happiness for someone else's happiness. "NRE" or New Relationship Energy: This is commonly referred to as the honeymoon phase and something many people in relationships wish they could get back. In a consensually non monogamous relationship, people can enjoy this feeling consistently. Monogamish: These kinds of relationships are primarily monogamous but have special rules where sleeping with another person may be ok. The 100-mile rule is a good example of this. If you're more than 100 miles away on a trip, then a hook-up is ok. FWB: Friends with benefits enjoy new relationship energy and sexual intimacy without any commitment towards a romantic relationship. Swinging: Swingers are often couples who enjoy dating and/or having sex with other couples. This can be done separately or together. Polyamorous: Polyamory is a general term for having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with several people at once. These relationships may be open or not. Poly-fidelity: This is a relationship with more than 2 people who are committed to one another and are not dating or having sex with anyone outside their polycule. Polycule: This is the name given to a poly relationship of 3 or more people. OrientationOne thing to keep in mind as we talk about this is that for many people their relational orientation is just as fixed as their sexual orientation. When examining your own feelings, or those of others, remember that we're talking about a scale. You may be monogamish, you may be open to your partner sleeping with someone else but not comfortable with them having a loving romantic relationship with another person. Because we're just starting to be more open about these kinds of feelings, and still learning the vocabulary to even have these conversations, many people have inadvertently ended up in monogamous relationships where their relational orientation is different from their partner’s. This is commonly described as a mono-poly relationship. This often happens when someone comes to terms with their relational orientation after years of dating or marriage and can cause some big issues. It's important to remember that there is flexibility in these situations. Not every monogamous person has the exact same values either. What we're looking for is how much does your scale overlap with your partner’s and are you both willing to put in the effort to make things work. This problem is usually worth seeking therapy over if you're looking to continue your current relationship. It can be hard to work out just where your boundaries lie and how they can co-exist with a partner who has a different relational orientation. Not Sure What to Do Next? Talk with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNEven if you're not poly yourself, it can be helpful to understand those around you. Many monogamous couples even enjoy playing with these concepts in the form of roleplay during sex. Hopefully, as a culture, we continue to grow and better understand our own sexuality so that each of us can be the most complete version of ourselves. If you're ready to talk with a sex and relationship therapist in Plymouth, MN we can help!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller When I tell people that I am a therapy intern at the Sexual Wellness Institute I am always shocked at how few people understand what sex therapy is. For most people, their understanding of sex therapy comes from media portrayals that misconstrue and create a caricature of sex therapy. I can’t count the number of times that I have been compared to Roz Focker, a fictional larger-than-life sex therapist played by Barbra Streisand in the movie Little Fockers. In the movie, Roz casually doles out advice on the most pleasurable sex positions to people she is meeting for the first time and makes family get-togethers awkward when she inquires about the sex lives of her in-laws. She has also coined catchphrases like “Sexpress yourself!” and “Unleash the beast inside you” which she will share with clients, friends, family, and strangers alike. While I appreciate the way that sex therapy has become more mainstream and socially acceptable, I worry that misrepresentations give people that could benefit from sex therapy the wrong idea. Let’s dig into what sex therapy actually is and what you can expect from a sex therapy session at the Sexual Wellness Institute. Sex positivity at a pace that feels right for youThe creators of Little Fockers didn’t get everything wrong with their character Roz. First, I appreciate her sex-positive approach to life, and I believe that most sex therapists would agree with my perspective. There is nothing that Roz won’t talk about, whether it is the intimate details of sexual pleasure, kink, BDSM, relationship satisfaction, or sexuality as we age. When you come to Sexual Wellness Institute, there is nothing that we haven’t heard before and no part of your sexual experience is off limits. However, in my opinion, Roz comes off as invasive and violates the boundaries of the people around her. There is no consent from the people she interacts with to confirm that they want to share the personal details of their sex life. In fact, it is quite clear that people find Roz’s constant discussion of sex to be unpleasant and stressful. In real life, the process of sex therapy is client-centered and client-led. We can move at a pace that feels manageable for you and only go into details that you feel safe sharing. It can be important for your therapist to know specific details of your sex life, but you always have the autonomy to say that you don’t want to share, and that will be respected. Sex therapy has boundariesOf course, it is important that the therapy space feels safe and you trust your therapist with your story, but there are boundaries around what is and is not appropriate in therapy. These guidelines are in place to protect both you and the therapist. First off, this is not sex work (people who receive money or goods in exchange for sexual services) or sex surrogacy (practitioners who address issues related to intimacy and sex through the use of touch and sexual contact). Therefore, there will be no physical contact, nudity, or sexual activity between you and your sex therapist. In the movie Little Fockers, Roz leads a class in her home for seniors to physically guide them through different sex positions that will work with their aging bodies. At the Sexual Wellness Institute, we are happy to discuss and recommend specific sexual interactions and positions, but we will not touch, guide, or physically assist you in any way. Similarly, we will not invite you to our homes, go to your home, or meet you outside of our office or telehealth session. Unlike Roz, sex therapists are bound by important ethical considerations that prohibit dual relationships or activities that could be construed as friendships. What can you talk about in sex therapy?While Roz appears to be singularly focused on sexual pleasure, true sex therapy covers any and everything related to human sexuality. This could include sexual trauma, enhancing couple intimacy, polyamorous and non-monogamous relationship structures, sexual exploration and development, and sexuality while aging from puberty to menopause and beyond. Similarly, all of the clinicians at the Sexual Wellness Institute are trained as clinical counselors, social workers, or marriage and family therapists in addition to getting training related to sex and sexuality. This means that we are all adept at working with issues like anxiety, depression, and general life dissatisfaction that may or may not be related to your sexual problems. Want Help IRL? Talk with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope that this blog might help to dispel some myths about sex therapy that are common in media and movie portrayals. If you have other questions or think that sex therapy might be right for you, please feel free to contact Sexual Wellness Institute for more information. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns through sex therapy in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Valentines Day is coming up! Feeling romantic but not sure what to do? We’ve compiled a list of a few different ideas of places to go as a couple in Plymouth, MN. As a fun add on to date night we included topics to discuss or things to do as a part of making the most out of your date night! These are all great things to do outside of Valentines Day as well, and many are even kid friendly. Support a local business and order some delicious Mexican take out at La Cocina de AnaCocina de Ana is a local business that has oven ready meals available for pick up. Try the pollo con adobo! Once you get home and have your goodies in the oven, download the app “Gottman Card Decks” go to the “love maps” questions. These are questions designed to get at deeper level conversations than you may be used to doing in order to increase your knowing of one another. Extra bonus: try the “sex questions” to learn more about what each other desires. Go out for a movie at Plymouth Grand 15You could start the night off with dinner at your favorite restaurant and then grab some popcorn and snuggle up for a great movie at Plymouth Grand 15. If you’d like to go to dinner right near the theater we suggest Kobe for some fun Hibachi. Try snowshoeing, cross country skiing, or sledding at French Regional ParkThere’s something for everyone when it comes to winter rentals in the area. At French Regional Park, you can rent snowshoes for $6 a pair (two hour time limit), cross country skis for $14 a pair (two hour time limit), or sleds for free! Winter activities not your thing? No worries! Go for a walk along one of the many trails at French Regional Park and talk about what you admire most about each other. Have a romantic evening at Luce Line Brewing Co.Grab a beer and some pizza and talk about some of your favorite memories from your relationship so far. For extra points start dreaming of your next trip together. Luce Line Brewing Co is a great spot to have an intimate, yet casual conversation. Near by this brewery is also the luce line trail which is great for walking. Give Ice Skating a try at Plymouth Ice CenterBring your own skates or rent some for $5 a pair. There is open skating on Tuesday afternoons and Friday evenings. Check their schedule for exact times. You can even turn this into a fun competition- whoever falls the least amount of times gets to pick where you have dinner! Or every time someone falls they have to say one thing they love about you. Get your sweat on with fitness classes at the Plymouth Community CenterFrom yoga and dance classes, to open court times for pickleball, they offer a variety of ways to get your body moving and try something new with your partner(s)! If you want to keep it more low key just do some laps around their indoor walking track while talking about your first date. What do you remember about it? Relax with a Couples Massage at Hand and Stone Massage and Facial SpaSlow down and be present with your partner(s) during a relaxing couples massage. After the massage discuss ways that you each like to be touched- and get specific! Examples:
Interested in Sex Therapy or Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?We hope you found this list useful and it encourages you to try something new with your love(s) this Valentine’s Day! If you want some support, our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller On a recent trip to the gynecologist, I was asked by a nurse to describe the pain I was experiencing in my “private parts.” Was she talking about my vagina? Labia? Breast? I had no way of knowing. Throughout the conversation, it was unclear if we were communicating about the same body parts because of her vague vocabulary and apparent discomfort talking about genitals. This failure to use anatomically accurate words to describe female genitals has become somewhat ubiquitous, showing itself in conversations with friends and even in a medical setting. Slang words like pussy, vajayjay, downstairs, private parts, crotch, honey pot, and beaver have become universal as a catchall phrase for all parts of female genitalia to the point that many people do not know the difference between the vagina and the vulva. I work with several clients who show embarrassment when I use words like clitoris and instead opt for euphemisms, such as “down there.” In pop culture, we feel comfortable with songs like WAP (Wet Ass Pussy), but rarely hear the word vulva on TV. So you might be wondering, does it matter what words we use to describe our sexual organs? What’s wrong with slang words if it is more comfortable for me? How sexual slang is wreaking havoc without you even knowing itIn terms of sex therapy, it is important for the client(s) and the therapist to be on the same page about what is going well and what needs improvement related to your sexual experiences. It may be challenging to make progress towards your goals without a basic understanding of your body and knowing how to talk about it with others. Similarly, being able to instruct your partner with detailed information sets you both up for satisfying sexual experiences. Without a shared vocabulary, you may not be able to express exactly how and where you like to be touched. While understanding your sexual anatomy can be an important first step toward more fulfilling sexual experiences, I would argue that knowledge about your own body is essential at an even more basic level. You need to have the vocabulary to describe what part of your body hurts to a doctor. Imagine if you went to the ER with a broken leg and the only word that you had to describe your shin, knee, thigh, and ankle was “limb.” It could be pretty challenging for a doctor to help if there was no way of pinpointing exactly where it hurt. Now imagine you go to the gynecologist, and you only know the word “private parts” to describe everything from your cervix to your clitoris. Again, it would be challenging for a doctor to understand your pain and help alleviate the issue. In order to receive healthcare services and make informed decisions about our bodies, a basic understanding of our reproductive anatomy is essential. It is not your fault, sexual slang is everywhereBefore we get to the solution, I want to convey to you that this isn’t your fault! Discomfort around talking about genitals, particularly female genitals, is deeply ingrained in our society and starts at a young age. Think about how your parents talked to you when you were growing up and started to show curiosity about your body. I often hear parents tell their children not to touch their “no-no parts” in public, or not to reveal their “private square” to strangers. Although children continue to develop both physically and emotionally, their vocabulary for genitals plateaus with slang words and euphemisms. This is only exacerbated by an abysmal sexual education system that often leaves children with fear of STIs and pregnancies and without a comprehensive understanding of their own bodies and anatomy. Not only does this leave us at a disadvantage in sex therapy and healthcare settings, but it also breeds shame about our bodies. If you can’t name your vagina, how can you expect to accept, appreciate, and even love it? Tips to improve your sexual lingo!If you feel uncomfortable using anatomical descriptors, I have some tips for you. First, brush up on your vocabulary! Look at a diagram of a vulva, label what you know, and inquire about the parts that you can’t name. Where is the perineum? What is the mons pubis? Once you feel confident with this new lexicon, try pointing to each of these parts of your own body. Looking in a mirror or feeling with your fingers, identify your labia, your clitoris, and your vaginal opening. No matter how acquainted you feel with your body, there is always more to learn and explore. Next, clarify what you are referring to when you are in conversation with others. If a friend starts talking about washing their “puss,” ask them to elaborate in order to ensure that you understand what they are saying. You can continue to practice in safe places, like in the doctor’s office, with your therapist, and around close friends or family. It will get easier over time. Of course, sexual slang has its place, and I don’t want to discourage anyone from naming their genitals with words that feel fitting. However, I also want to empower everyone to be familiar with all their reproductive body parts in order to be able to make informed decisions about their body, convey information in healthcare settings, and increase satisfaction with sex. Ready to Increase Your Sexual Comfort and Confidence? Talk with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNOur sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns through sex therapy in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Lost your erection? Let's talk.Have you or a partner ever lost an erection during sexual intimacy? This can be an incredibly nerve-wracking experience and can sometimes ruin your whole evening. Today we're going to look at why this can happen and why it doesn't have to be this way. By improving our understanding of how erections function and learning some tools to help us, it can be easy to knock this problem out. "It's not you, it's me."The first thing we want to understand is that erections are complicated. This isn't as simple as seeing a person you're attracted to and getting an erection. I like to think about erections as the result of a simple equation: Turn-ons - Turn-offs = do you have an erection? A positive number means yes and a negative one means no. So, let's look at where people most often get confused, scared, or even hurt in dealing with the loss of erection. It can be easy to jump to feeling broken, or for a partner to feel that you're not attracted to them. Most people look to the "turn on" side of things for a solution. They stop masturbating so they're more excited for sex, buy some lingerie so they'll be sexy enough to give their partner an erection, or even seek out medication. But people still consistently end up in my office looking for help with erections because most of the time these things don't work. They're addressing the wrong part of the equation. The number one killer of erection is "turn offs", and the most common one is anxiety. Erections: Under PressureAs a culture, we put a ridiculous amount of pressure on getting an erection. We imagine it's a simple result of wanting or being attracted to your partner. We see it as a symbol of masculinity and virility. We laugh at men who struggle with erections in the media we consume. Even this year's smash hit "House of the Dragon" contained a negative plot about the main character not being able to get an erection. So, with all of this pressure building up on the turn-off side of the erection equation it's no wonder so many men feel anxious about getting one. Erection Anxiety is a Vicious CycleOnce it happens a single time, the anxiety sets in even more strongly and can begin a powerful negative cycle. This sounds something like "I lost my erection last time and it ruined our night, what if that happens again?" and the anxiety builds. "What if my partner thinks I'm not attracted to them?" and the anxiety builds. "What if they leave me because I can never get an erection again?" and the anxiety builds. This leads to an equation where the "turn-offs" powerfully outweigh the "turn-ons" and so the cycle continues and gets stronger. So what can you do?There is so much we can do to alleviate this stress. This problem doesn't have to haunt you forever. Let's look at some things to try, and if these aren't cutting it, our Plymouth, MN based sex therapists are always here to help. First, let's look at this big ball of anxiety because without moving this it's going to be hard to reach your goals. A fantastic way to start can be talking to your partner about what's happening. Knowing that your partner understands that your equation is unbalanced by anxiety immediately releases a lot of anxiety. This means they know you're not broken, they know you're still attracted to them, and they know you're taking steps to move forward. I would say feeling this understanding and support from your partner is the most powerful factor in releasing anxiety. Another great way to move away from the anxiety is to have good sexual intimacy with your partner that's not focused on erections. Have a fun night focusing on using toys or oral sex. You can even have a positive night where you focus entirely on giving your partner pleasure, where your erection doesn't even come into things. The more positive experiences you have when your erection goes away or doesn't even show up, the less scary it is in the first place. And this is key, if you're not afraid of losing it, you probably won't lose it in the first place. Mindfulness Can HelpNext, it's important to remember that your "turn-ons" are still there, the anxiety is just really good at getting you to focus on it instead. One helpful tip can be to bring mindful focus to simple and straightforward sensations. As you touch and are touched, what sensations do you notice? What temperature, pressure, and texture can you feel? By focusing on these things, you can not only shut out negative thoughts, but you are keeping yourself present with something that is arousing. This can be tough, and I often recommend people practice general mindfulness meditation to improve those skills. Erections Ebb and Flow: Let Intimacy GrowBefore I end, I want to mention that there can be natural ebbs and flows in erection throughout a session of intimacy. If you're doing mutual touch with your partner as foreplay and have an erection but then lose your erection when you begin performing oral sex on your partner, this is normal. If the penis isn't being actively stimulated, it's totally normal for there to be a loss of erection. Many different scenarios can lead to this. If you can remember what we've covered here today, to not freak out, to not let the anxiety take over, and to stay present with the positives in the moment, you can go on to enjoy the rest of your time with your partner. Life is too short to waste good intimacy. Want to Improve Your Intimacy? A Minnesota Sex Therapist Can Help.I know these are difficult topics to talk about, but talking is the first step. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns and deal with addiction in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Porn Addiction has become quite the buzzword in recent years. The recent pandemic certainly hasn't helped with this issue as many people faced isolation, increased levels of depression, and boredom. This caused some people to use pornography as a coping skill. Some may even wonder if they have a sex or porn "addiction”. A Note About Pornography Addiction vs. CompulsionThe sex therapy community as a whole generally doesn't recognize sex or pornography as an addiction. These behaviors can certainly be compulsive, but there are a few key differences between addiction and compulsion. The biggest is that compulsion has a core driving force that drives porn use, while addiction drives itself. This is an important distinction because if we work to heal whatever is driving the compulsive use we can stop it. The other thing I want to clarify is that pornography use is not inherently bad. I see pornography as a neutral concept, but how it's created and used determines whether it's good or bad in your life. One way pornography can become an unhealthy thing in your life is when it’s being used as a coping skill to escape negative feelings. Fight or FlightWhen we experience negative feelings there's an almost immediate reaction. A part of our brain called the amygdala constantly works to decide if things in the world around us are a threat. This is the fight or flight center of our brain, and unfortunately, it's not very smart. The amygdala can't tell the difference between hurtful words and real physical danger. It senses that we are afraid or hurt and it kicks into gear. One way many people end up using porn in an unhealthy way is by using it to "run away" from painful emotional states. Sexual pleasure and stimulation release a whole load of feel-good chemicals in the brain which can temporarily override negative emotions and provide an escape from the pain. The problem here is that it's only temporary. Once that "high" wears off the problem is still there for you to face. This is where porn use can truly become compulsive. It becomes a cycle of feeling good, and then as soon as the discomfort starts to set in again it's back to your painkiller. Just about anything can be the cause of this pain, from daily life struggles to deep personal trauma. Again, I'd like to point out the positive here that if you work to heal that internal pain and develop healthy coping skills you can overcome this unhealthy use of pornography. Finding Meaning: Porn As a DistractionPain isn't the only thing that makes us want to escape. A study published in the November 2022 journal of Personality and Individual Differences found that many people use porn as an escape from the meaninglessness that can arise from boredom. The study's author had previously found that boredom can convey a strong sense of meaninglessness in life. This meaninglessness is the exact kind of pain we're talking about when we look at the kind of existential pain people often try to escape from instead of resolving. In this study, the researchers found a significant link between boredom and pornography use. They identified that indeed pornography use does create a distraction from that negative mental state, and this also leads to increased use. Pornography Use in RelationshipsI've worked with a lot of couples where pornography use is causing problems in the relationship. One of the primary concerns I hear from partners is a worry that their partner isn't attracted to them or that they aren't enough. The good news is that odds are that this isn't the case. If you're worried about your own or your partner's pornography use, a good first question to ask is "Is the porn being used to escape negative emotions?" In the majority of couples I work with this tends to be the case, and means there's good work we can do to remove the compulsive nature of the use. Some people are opposed to pornography as an idea or feel it is a breach of trust in the relationship. This is just fine, everyone is entitled to set their own boundaries in the relationship. The problem I often see occur with these couples, however, is that they try to essentially quit "cold turkey" without actually resolving the reason why the porn is being used in the first place. So, whether you want to eliminate porn use entirely, or just be able to use it in a healthy way, the first step is to resolve the internal pain that's driving the unhealthy use. I would also note here that many people often try to use sex in the same way within their relationship- especially to cope with pain within the relationship. People often feel that if their partner will have sex with them then everything is ok. Moving Forward: Consider Talking With a Minnesota Sex TherapistPorn use and masturbation are very vulnerable and private topics to talk about. Talking to a sex therapist can be a great way to get started. We're happy to talk about pornography use, identify how it's being used in a way you don't like, and help you find solutions. We can also help heal any harm pornography use may have caused within your relationship. I know these are difficult topics to talk about, but talking is the first step. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns and deal with addiction in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here! References for This ArticleAndrew B. Moynihan, Eric R. Igou, Wijnand A.P. van Tilburg,
Pornography consumption as an existential escape from boredom, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 198, 2022, 111802, ISSN 0191-8869 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886922003075 The first of this month marked National Hair Day, which got me thinking about an amazing piece of evolutionary biology that doesn’t get the recognition it deserves: pubic hair! Our “hair down there” is often the subject of questions, comparisons, and for some, even shame. Should I “mow the lawn” before having sex? Will my partner expect me to be bare “down there”? Will I be dirty and smelly if I don’t “clean the carpet”? What are the best products to use on my “bush”? Our conversations about pubic hair are frequently veiled with euphemisms and an implicit agreement that being hairy is shameful. For people with vaginas, pubic hair gets roped into a narrative that our genitals need to be groomed and maintained in order to be considered clean and desirable. I am here to tell you that this is unequivocally false. Growing your pubes doesn’t make you dirty and grooming your pubes doesn’t make you clean. Although pubic hair removal has been the target of intense marketing schemes, with creams, razors, tweezers, scissors, and waxing pads that promise silky smooth skin without pain or bumps, there is no reason why you should feel pressure to remove pubic hair. Whether you choose to wax, trim, tweeze, shave, or go au natural, it is a personal choice that should be left entirely up to you. Pubic Hair Serves a PurposeBefore you can decide how or if you want to groom your pubic hair, it is important to recognize what purpose it serves. Just like your eyelashes and eyebrows, pubic hair acts as a barrier to trap bacteria and debris. The hair is there to physically protect your vagina from yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and sexually transmitted infections. A recent study from the University of California, San Francisco found that “extreme groomers”– participants who removed all their pubic hair at least 11 times per year – were more than four times as likely to have acquired a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Syphilis and HPV, which both affect the skin, were most highly associated with aggressive grooming practices. This data is only correlational and cannot definitively say that pubic grooming caused STI development, however, it does fit with what we know about shaving pubic hair. Shaving creates tiny cuts and microtears on our skin, which makes it more vulnerable to viruses and bacteria. Shaving, particularly before sex, may increase the ease at which infections can enter your skin. Pubes Through the AgesProof of pubic hair removal dates all the way back to Ancient Egypt, where we can see evidence of copper razors and flintstones as tools for grooming genital hair. With that being said, there are also hieroglyphics that show women with dark triangles of hair covering their genitals. In Ancient Greece, tweezers and pumice stones were used in service of pubic grooming. Now, we have more advanced technology to remove our pubic hair, creating a profitable business for hair removal companies. The global hair removal products market is expected to reach $1.3 billion by 2026. This industry began to take off when the female razor was first introduced in 1915 by Gillette Safety Razor Company. In an advertisement at the time, female body hair was described as an “embarrassing personal problem.” Nair, a hair removal cream, was introduced in the 1940s and promised consumers an opportunity to take on “completely new glamour and allure.” Since the beginning of modern advertising practices, companies capitalized on the insecurities of women and profited by stoking fear of being undesirable. While there is evidence of pubic hair removal for thousands of years, more recent capitalistic business endeavors have encouraged women to groom their pubic hair through shaming and fearmongering. Your Attitude Toward Your Pubic Hair Impacts Your Sexual HealthA 2017 study looked at women’s perceptions of their genitals and found that women most commonly were concerned about genital odor, amount and texture of pubic hair, and fears about reactions by others. Several women in the study made derogatory comments about their bodies, such as saying that their genitals are “weird,” “foreign,” or “creepy-looking.” One participant discussed her genitals by saying, “they kind of gross me out… it just makes me feel really uncomfortable… I pretend it is not there.” The study found that negative self-image and detachment from our own genitals were associated with less motivation to avoid risky sexual behavior and underuse of gynecological exams. Find What Sparks Joy...Down There.If this sounds like your experience, I want you to know that you are not alone. From the time we are born, the patriarchy conditions women to feel shame and embarrassment about how their bodies look and what their bodies do. Rather than focusing so much on making our vulvas desirable for others, I would encourage each of you to cultivate a relationship with your pubic hair. Regardless of how you choose to groom them, thank your pubes for the protection they give you, and love them as a natural part of your body! From there, think about what feels best for you and go for it! Maybe it’s a bush, maybe it’s a landing strip, or maybe it is a full Brazilian wax. Whatever you choose, know that this is a personal decision left entirely up to you. Resources UsedFudge, M. C. & Byers, E. S. (2017). An exploration of the prevalence of global, categorical, and specific female genital dissatisfaction. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. 26, 2: 112-121. Osterberg, E.C., Gaither, T. W., Awad, M. A., et al. (2017). Correlation between pubic hair grooming and STIs: Results from a nationally representative probability sample. Sexually Transmitted Infections. 93: 162-166. Want to Talk With a Sex Therapist in the Minneapolis, MN Area?Want to talk about any of this, or other issues of sexual wellness? You deserve the best information from the best resources available. Our sex therapists want to help you with sex therapy here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include EFT, couples therapy & marriage counseling, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT As a sex therapist, I get to hear a lot of questions that people are often afraid to ask. When it comes to sex, there's this cultural myth that we're just supposed to know everything already, and if you need to learn anything about sex, you've already failed. When you pair this with the cultural taboo of talking about sex and the abysmal state of sex education, you end up with a lot of unanswered questions and misinformation. Today we'll look at some common questions and their answers. How can I be good at sex?This is one that everyone wants to know and many people have written entire books on, but let's look at some simple tips to improve your sex game. When it comes to sexual skill there are two major components, physical and mental. Great sex absolutely requires technical skill, but this can be very hard to learn. Sex-Ed in high school certainly isn't teaching you cunnilingus techniques. On this front there are many good books that go into detail on the technical aspect of sex, I'll list some at the end of the blog. Even the technical side of things isn't this simple, however. Each person is different in their physical body and preferences, so the simplest thing you can do to be good at sex is ask your partner what feels good for them and do that. When you combine general technical skill with your partner's personal preferences you're well on your way to great sex. The other half of great sex is your mental game.This means being present and in the moment, or being engaged with the experience of sex while not overly focused on the technical aspects. I like to use the metaphor of going for a bike ride. You don't go for a ride to think about pedaling, steering, and balancing. You go for a ride to enjoy the experience. You may occasionally need to check in on technical aspects if you hit a sharp turn or a patch of gravel, but then you bring your attention back to enjoying the ride. Side note, this means your technical skills need to be well practiced so you don't have to focus too much on them. The other mental piece of great sex is engaging your partner mentally and emotionally as well. What are you doing to mentally and emotionally stimulate them as well as physically? A good way to bring this in is through sexual contexts/themes, such as a power dynamic or romantic environment. I've spoken at length about sexual contexts in other blogs so feel free to check those out as well. The idea originally comes from Dr. Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" which is included in the list of great books at the bottom. Can a vibrator break my clit?The short answer is no, a vibrator cannot break your clitoris. However we all have a limit on stimulation and sensitivity. If you're looking for a good experience with a vibrator you want to choose one that has settings that feel good to you, some are more intense than others. You may also want to play around with the placement of your vibrator, sometimes placing it directly on the clitoris can be too intense, so find what works for you. Whether orgasm happens or not, sometimes the clitoris reaches its stimulation limit and needs a break. This doesn't mean it's broken, we call this the refractory period and after several minutes of intense sensitivity it will begin to return to normal. Lastly, some people worry that if they get used to a vibrator, they will have to rely on it to achieve orgasm. This is also untrue. Orgasm typically requires consistent rhythmic stimulation. Vibrators are just particularly good at achieving this and can sometimes lead to quicker, easier orgasms, but any other consistent rhythmic stimulation can still end in orgasm. I've been faking orgasms with my partner, is that bad?Yes. This is bad for a number of reasons. It can be hard to share with a partner that things aren't working out the way you'd like them too. Sex is a very vulnerable topic and it's easy to worry about hurting your partner. That being said, faking orgasms is only going to lead to bigger problems down the road. The first thing I want to address is that orgasm doesn't need to happen every single time for a good sex life. If no orgasms are happening that's a different story. The next issue here is that as long as you are faking, nothing is going to change or get better. This often leads to increasing disinterest in sex, or even in resentment towards sex and your partner. I know it's scary, but it's worth having the conversation. I recommend doing so outside of the bedroom and not immediately after or before sex. Is it ok to masturbate if I have a regular sexual partner?Of course! I like to split our sexual needs in two. We have a basic human need for sexual release, and we have a need for sexual intimacy with our partner. These things are different and may be needed at different times.The first need is like hunger, if you're hungry or horny you can ask your partner to get you a snack or have sex, but if they don't want to you can just do it yourself. This need often comes up more frequently than the other. If you had great intimate sex yesterday you might still want an orgasm today, but not need the emotional intimacy or work that comes with sex. I've often heard people say that they had great sex in the morning, and thinking about it later that day turned them on again so they masturbated. The basic need is often more pressing as well, if I need to eat I can't always wait for my partner to be ready to eat as well. However, when it comes to sex, we both need to be on the same page. So don't worry about yourself or your partner masturbating. That masturbation isn't doing anything to meet the need for intimacy and you'll still want each other. I'm in a heterosexual relationship and my boyfriend asked me to peg him, is he gay?I've talked about this at length as well, but the short answer is no. Anal sex can feel pleasurable for men because the anus is the best way to stimulate the prostate which can cause intense pleasure and orgasm. It's anatomy that makes male anal penetration feel good, not sexual orientation. For those who don't know, pegging refers to a partner using a strap on dildo to anally penetrate their partner. I think it's important to note that a dildo does not equal a penis. Some dildos specifically replicate penises while others are simply tools for pleasure. Regardless, the point of this question is that your partner wants YOU to pleasure them, not another man. Books for Reference:She Comes First - Dr. Ian Kerner Great Sex - Michael Castleman Come As You Are - Dr. Emily Nagoski Ready to Talk With a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN?This may not feel easy to talk about with your partner, or even to a professional. But, you deserve the best sex therapy available, when you are ready. Our sex therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT I have been recently inspired by the Netflix original series How to Build a Sex Room and want to share with you why I think we all need a sex room. This show is like the sexy version of HGTV. What is a sex room?First, what is a sex room? Put simply, it’s a place where you get intimate with yourself and/or partner or partners. This can be your bedroom or a different room in your house. Why do you need a sex room?Think about your bedroom for a second. Is it clean? Is it a place you want to be? Does it give sexy vibes? Are any sex toys easily accessible? If you answered no to any of these questions, you need a sex room. Everyone needs a sex room.If you’ve watched How to Build a Sex Room, you’ve likely noticed that there were all kinds of folks on there. Poly families, vanilla couples, kinky couples, couples with and without children, gay couples, singles, etc. Many couples had specific requests for their rooms. Some needed suspension bars to hang from the ceiling, some wanted a one-way mirror to engage their voyeur tendencies, and some just simply needed a few sex toys. The show’s host, Melanie Rose, talks couples through their various likes and needs for their sex room. And it may just give you some new ideas! While some folks knew exactly what they wanted, some really needed some help in that area. She brought one couple to a sex toy store and explained different toys and how they work. To most couples, she suggested sexy furniture that is both visually appealing and functional. She also took sexy boudoir photos of the couples to display in the room. One woman even discovered her love for rope bondage! You also don’t need to be partnered to have a sex room. In the last episode, we meet Lisa, who shows us that you can utilize a sex room by yourself and with casual partners. I want to be clear: You don’t need to be kinky to benefit from a sex room.If this show teaches us anything, it’s that everyone deserves an intentional place to be intimate. "How to Build a Sex Room" also reinforces sex positivity. We should all be discussing what we need in order to feel sexy. So how do you go about building a sex room?So, let’s say you are going to use your bedroom. First, clean that room until it’s sparkling. Get all the clutter and unnecessary items out. Make sure all of your clothes have a place in a dresser or closet. Now, let’s think about what you might want in there. Here are some suggestions and why they are important: Sex toys and a way to display them in an easily accessible and visually appealing way.This can be a nice basket or some shelves to display them on. The toys include things like the following: vibrators, suction toys, nipple clamps, restraints, blindfolds, feathers, floggers, strap-ons, anal plugs, and so much more! Nice, comfortable, and sexy bedding.Think high thread count, silk, sexy colors, etc. Add throw pillows so the bed looks aesthetically pleasing when made. Sex Furniture.Yes - everyone could benefit from some type of sex furniture! Why is it better than the bed, you ask? First of all, accessibility. Sex is for ALL bodies. Sex furniture, like a bouncing sex stool (pictured here), can help with the work of being on top. A sex chaise (pictured above) or ramp gives you more comfort in various positions, as well as the ability to optimize angles for increased sexual pleasure. Learn more about different types of sex furniture here: Mirrors.To admire your sexy self, of course! Sexy Clothing.This can mean different things to everyone but could include lingerie, role-play costumes, clothes that have feel-good fabrics, leather, etc. Sex up your bathroom.You can clean up in a sexy way together. A nice big bathtub for two (or more!) Cameras. ...for consensual filming and watching together or separately later. Mood enhancements.This can be candles, gorgeous lighting, sexy décor, music, etc Your sex room is first and foremost, for YOU.Whatever you fancy, design a sex room that includes the things you enjoy as well as things that allow you to push boundaries in a safe and sexy way. It was inspiring to watch these people become more empowered in their sexuality. Building a sex room allows you to have a room in your house that you feel excited to have sex in – which, let's face it, we all need a little added excitement in this department sometimes! Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope this has helped you get used to the idea of sex rooms, exploring sensual spaces, sacred spaces and getting this conversation started with your partner! Consider these other Sexual Wellness Institute blog posts for information on how to use BDSM, help you consider how to try BDSM or incorporate other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, and more. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, James Chadwick, MSW LICSW Most of us have been there. Some level of intoxication, clouded judgment, maybe even some regret the morning after. Most of us are no stranger to some of the psychological interplay between substance use and sexual behavior. And it’s not always cause for alarm. Much has been said about this interplay and I don’t expect to cover it all here. In broad terms, many people use substances to mask or cope with insecurity and/or anxiety around their sexual behaviors. Unfortunately, alcohol and many stimulants (among other substances) often exacerbate conditions like erectile dysfunction. In effect, this creates a vicious cycle of use, some level of sexual discomfort, and at times continued use. Unintended Consequences, Blame, Shame, and Sex-PositivitySubstance use also increases the risk of sexual assault, unplanned pregnancy, and other adverse sexual consequences. Despite all of this, access to substances is typically fairly easy and the enjoyment from dopamine release is undeniable. If a cycle exists, it can be hard to break. It’s not my intent to teetotal or wag a finger, as I am distinctly pro-pleasure and sex-positive. On the contrary, my aim is to shed some light on this interplay and share some tools/resources that might facilitate sexual and personal goal attainment. Four Ways to Start Exploring Your Relationship With Substance Use and SexualityAt the root of much use is some experience of discomfort or even shame. Often the hope, conscious or not, is that use will, at the very least, make shame and insecurity easier to ignore and that sex will somehow “go better.” So really, no matter who you are or what your relationship to sexual insecurity or shame is, a major component to balancing your use and attaining your goals is to practice self-compassion. Here are four concrete ways to do this, directly from a sex therapist who specializes in the intersection between substance abuse and sexuality. 1. Challenge shaming messages that you have received and replace them with affirming and normalizing ones that paint sexuality as positive.You can’t change what you don’t know. So, it follows that in order to optimize your relationship with substance use and sexuality, you will want to have a firm grasp of all potentially shaming messages around sex that you may have internalized. These may have originated from your family of origin, religious tradition, society at large, or elsewhere, and can be difficult to perceive at first. With practice and some critical awareness, they will become more apparent. Sometimes, challenging these thoughts is sufficient but more often it helps to have a solid replacement at the ready for when old thoughts creep back up. “Mind Over Mood” by Dr. Dennis Greenberger and Dr. Christine Padesky has excellent resources for practicing and utilizing cognitive reframing. 2. Seek out peers and partners that share these beliefs and values.This one can be tricky. You may understandably feel very close to peers and partners who hold somewhat toxic or destructive sexual beliefs. As noted above, these beliefs are typically deeply ingrained and can be hard to detect. Of course, people evolve, and the people in your life may naturally take on more “sex-positive” beliefs. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. At a minimum, you may wish to engage the people in your life in conversations around sexuality both to gauge where their beliefs fall and share your own, seeing if and where they align. Exploration of so-called “good, bad, and normal” sexual practices/behaviors might be a good starting point for this, with an invitation to gently encourage peers to question and when necessary revisit old beliefs (see above process). 3. Set firm boundaries with those who might reinforce old shaming scripts.You may find that it’s not always possible or even desirable to “cut people out of your life” entirely. In that case, you might come up with some “I statements” that assert your beliefs and clarify your sexual values. Examples might include “________ is important to be because _________, “I don’t think that way anymore though I respect your right to make your own decisions,” etc. 4. Reflect on motivation for being sexual.Is it derived more from a biological urge or desire to connect, or more from emotional distress that might better be resolved with other coping strategies? Many times people misattribute boredom or anxiety to sexual arousal, much in the same way these things can be attributed to thirst or hunger. I want to be careful here that I’m not prescribing a “one way to have sex or decide to be sexual.” My intention is to raise critical awareness and differentiation between many complex psychological and physiological cues that tend to get misinterpreted. Sex Therapy for Substance Abuse and Sexuality May HelpIf you are experiencing some of the higher-risk consequences discussed above or notice significant functional impairment in your daily life as a result of substance use, there is help. Working with a specialized sex therapist and participating in recovery support groups (not limited to 12 Steps) has helped many people align with their recovery and sexual goals. For gay men, in particular, grappling with methamphetamine use, I highly recommend “Lust, Men, and Meth” by Dr. David Fawcett. Begin Sex Therapy for Substance Abuse Concerns in Plymouth, MNYou don't have to fight this battle alone. Consider talking with a substance abuse therapist who also specializes in sex therapy, right here in Minnesota. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling (including Gottman couple therapy), our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Do you know why we honor the month of June as Pride Month?Pride month was started to commemorate the June of 1969 Stonewall Uprising/Riots. The Stonewall riots began when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Manhattan. Police officers often targeted gay bars at this time. In 1969 “homosexual acts” were illegal in every state except Illinois. Bars could also be shut down for having gay people inside them. On this particular night in June of 1969, the patrons of this bar decided to fight back again the police and it turned into a 6-day protest outside of the bar and throughout the area. Many say this historical event and these brave people are what launched the gay rights movement. One year later on the anniversary of the riots, on June 28th, 1970, gay activists organized and marched in New York’s first Gay Pride Week. Why is the history of Pride Month important?It’s important to honor what has come before, and what has contributed to where we are now. We are not in a perfect place with the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community, but we have come very far in the last few decades. Since the original pride march in 1970 many cities worldwide have adopted their own versions of pride month in June. One blog will not do justice in explaining the systemic trauma that this community has experienced. This is why pride month is important – amongst other things, it is a time to honor this community of people both for who they are and reflect on the ways we still need to do better. History of Pride Month resourced from https://www.history.com/pride Consider what Pride Month means to you...We encourage you to honor pride month in whatever way feels best and safest to you. Many still don’t feel safe being “out” amongst friends and family or celebrating at a local parade. If events are your thing, there are many happening throughout the month of June in the Minneapolis area. If you are seeking community, therapy, support, etc outside of pride events here are some local resources and what they offer!Minnesota Transgender Health Coalition
Interested in LGBTQ-Friendly Sex Therapy or Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?You deserve affirming and friendly support every month of the year, not just Pride Month! Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT I see a lot of couples who struggle differences in sexual desire. For the lower desire partner, this usually results in a lot of negative feelings, including shame, and pressure or expectation. On top of these feelings, many higher desire partners are guilty of intentionally communicating negative feelings about the lack of sexual intimacy to their lower desire partner, and increasing the pressure on them. This often leads to a very harmful situation. This can result in the lower desire partner deciding to have sex with their higher desire partner just to get them off their back. While this sex is technically being consented to, it is not sex that the lower desire partner wants to have. This sex is incredibly damaging to the relationship and does nothing but increase disconnection and build resentment for the higher desire partner. I have seen a lot of higher desire partners feel rejected and sad when their partners do not want to have sex with them. They feel worse, however, if they find out that their partner had sex with them even when they didn’t want to. How can we avoid this negative cycle? Let's take a look at why this happens so often and a couple of ways to handle this situation better. No PressureThe first source of our problem is often a lack of understanding from the higher desire partner of their own sexuality. For men that are the higher desire partner there are several compounding problems that make this situation harder. The first is that men are not raised to understand or communicate their emotions. This is problem because sex is an intensely emotional experience between two people. Men are also raised to see sex as some ultimate form of validation. Someone wanting to have sex with you is a direct and powerful communication of being wanted/chosen. If you're already feeling healthy, self-confidence isn't an issue. However, for anyone who isn't wholly secure in themselves and in their relationship, this messaging transforms sex into a powerful validation drug. It has an intense high but fades quickly, leaving the man needing more sex for another hit of validation. All of this is happening unconsciously, and men often struggle to identify what it is sex is communicating to them. This leads to them just expressing that they must "have their needs met." Sexual needs are a very real and healthy thing, but met just as well through masturbation as through sex. Tom Hanks didn't die in "Castaway" because he couldn't get laid. Sexual release is an individual need while sexual intimacy is a relational need. Understanding this difference is our first step to solving this problem. Why is so much pressure put on sex?If we can understand why pressure is being put on sex, then we can make the conversation about something that's actually productive. As I said sexual intimacy is a relational need. As such, communicating that you're looking for intimacy and connection with your partner allows for multiple routes to success. Sex is a fantastic way to feel intimately connected with your partner. But if one of you isn't in the mood for sex, cuddling and watching a movie together can also meet that need. By opening other ways to meet the need we take the pressure of sex, which actually opens people up to it more. If you're the higher desire partner, communicate the connection need not physical need. Cultivate the Relationship, Intimacy IncludedA relationship does not need sex because "it's my birthday" or because "we're on vacation." A relationship needs sexual intimacy in order to consistently communicate love and desire and affection for your partner. If you're needing to feel that sexual intimacy with your partner the ask might sound more like "we haven't had sex in a while and I'm really missing that intense intimacy with you. When can we find time to connect?" or "We haven't had much sex lately, is there something putting the breaks on your desire?" By making the conversation about the relationship we take pressure of the moment and find a path that goes forward. Don't "Just Say No"So, if you are the lower desire partner, address your partner’s need for intimacy. If you are not wanting to have sex on a particular night, you can say something like, "I'm not in the mood tonight, but I'd love to just hold you and watch a movie together. I want to feel connected too." You can also communicate that you do desire intimacy with your partner, just not at that moment. "I'd love to have sex tonight, but I'm completely exhausted from work. It would be fun to have sex tomorrow." Lastly, talk with your partner about what sex means to you and what it communicates to each of you. Talk about the pressures you might feel and how to mitigate them. The less pressure we put on sex the better it gets, and when it's better we tend to want it more. Address Desire Concerns, HonestlyRemember to address the feelings present for your partner whether you are the higher desire or lower desire partner. Helping them feel validated and heard will help take the pressure off sex (or lack of) being a central issue in your relationship. Interested in Sex Therapy or Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?This may not feel easy to talk about with your partner, or even to admit to yourself. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Have you seen the new Netflix mini series The Principles of Pleasure? This 4 episode series celebrates female pleasure by sharing lots of history, facts, and science about the female anatomy, pleasure, and sexuality. It also tells you all the ways we are getting screwed (and not in a good way) if we’ve been socialized as women in this patriarchal culture. From the title of this article you may assume I mean we deserve better in regards to pleasure from our partners. I do believe we deserve better from them, but mostly I mean, we deserve better from ourselves. We deserve to feel and know that pleasure is not just “okay” but something we should welcome experiencing from ourselves and our partners. We deserve to be educated about our body and what gives us pleasure. And we deserve to know this is H E A L T H Y. Seriously! The World Health Organization includes sexual health as a part of a healthy lifestyle. This includes pleasure! Here are some of my (a MN sex therapist) key takeaways from the show "The Principles of Pleasure"!Vulva Vs Vagina:We live in a world that teaches people to say vagina when the whole thing is really the vulva. To call is just the vagina is to reduce it to just the reproductive function. You’re leaving out some really important parts. The vagina is what’s on the inside. The vulva includes the clitoris, labia, and other important parts of our pleasure center. Emily Nagoski on the Hymen:"If it breaks, like all of our other skin it HEALS - it doesn't break and stay broken. it's not a freshness seal. Yet, the myth is so powerful, not because of what is biologically true about a hymen, but what a culture has made true about the hymen." Our culture would like you to believe your hymen defines you, that some singular event including a penis penetrating your vagina defines you. Isn’t that so silly when we put it like that? That’s because it is. We should no longer be teaching girls and women and anyone with a hymen that a man or his penis defines them. This is also extremely heteronormative. What about those who never have this experience? If you are looking for some kind of replacement word just for reference when discussing it with your teens or friends, I suggest instead of virginity you call it “sexual debut”. On the Orgasm Gap“Imagine if every time you went out for dinner your date was served this amazing 7 course meal. You were served a pack of saltines from 2012. You would be OUTRAGED. You’d never eat there again. You’d write a scathing yelp review and tell all your friends not to eat there. So why does it feel like we just accept that men are the only ones reliably orgasming?” This is what we call the Orgasm Gap. Two thirds of women are rarely orgasmic from penetration alone. Women are made to think something is wrong with them if they cannot orgasm from penetration alone, yet it is the more common experience! Knowledge is power. Know that you are normal, and know that adding additional clitoral stimulation during penetration is necessary for most women to have increased pleasure and orgasm. For more information about this, read my previous blog about how women can reach orgasm more reliably. The show also discusses experiences of women and with folks with differing gender, sexual, and racial identities well.The folks on the show explain an important concept: women are taught they must conform with the socially constructed beauty ideal. The further you get from that standard the less permission you have to access pleasure. This gets more and more complicated with marginalized identities. For those struggling to “feel okay” accessing pleasure, Emily Nagoski has a great exercise to try. She says – Take off your clothes and get as naked as you can tolerate. Stand in front of mirror and say out loud the things about your body that you appreciate. This can be as simple as – I like my nailbeds! Or I think I kind of have cute toes. Or I appreciate what my strong arms allow me to do like carry around my baby. She says to do this everyday. 10/10: Your trusted sex therapist highly recommends this one!I highly recommend you watch this show. This can be done individually- or for extra points watch it with someone else and discuss it. This could be your partner, your friend, your parent, etc. Discuss what came up for you. Practice saying words like vulva or penis or orgasm. This will help desensitize the words and make them easier to use! I would also love for anyone to comment on this blog what part of the show they enjoyed! Interested in Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?I'd love to keep talking with you about this, and other topics regarding sex and desire. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!! |