Do you have a hunch that some past trauma is impacting your ability to have connected and fulfilling sex?You’re not alone! No matter how recent or long ago you experienced a trauma, until it is fully processed you may experience it impacting many areas of your life, and particular with your sex life.Trauma is, unfortunately, one thing that's very hard to get past without professional help. Getting past trauma, though, can allow you to take your sex life back or even find it in the first place. There are many different types of trauma but for the purposes of this blog post I will be focusing on sexual trauma.

The first thing I want to be very clear on is that you, and no one else, get to determine if events in your life have been traumatic. I see so many people further hurt after traumatic experiences due to people in their lives, even close friends and family, telling them that their experiences, "weren't that bad" or "at least it didn't go farther" or "get over it." If something was traumatic for you, then no one gets to tell you otherwise.
I define trauma as any experience, or persistent experiences, that leave us with an ingrained negative belief about ourselves. Coming from sexual trauma this might sound like, "I'm worthless," "I'm not good enough," "I am weak/powerless," or "I should have known better," to name a few. These negative beliefs attach themselves to traumatic experiences and don't go away until those traumatic experiences are processed in a healthy way. This might be six months or fifty years.
When it comes to trauma, the old adage, "Time heals all wounds" is simply not true. Due to chemicals released in the brain and circumstances following trauma, traumatic memories do not get processed and filed away like normal memories. This means that they float around on the surface and are easily triggered by day to day events or in our specific case, sexual intimacy. So, let's take a look at how trauma can impact sex.

The short answer is that trauma impacts sex in a myriad of ways. Let's break it down and look at some of the primary ones. Again, if it feels like any of this is happening to you, there might be trauma involved. ​
Trauma impacts everyone differently but two common responses to sexual trauma are (1) complete avoidance of sex, or overwhelming negative about yourself or the act itself during sex, and (2) Using sex as a primary interaction or way of connecting with people.
If we look at these from our perspective of negative beliefs, it's easy to understand where these reactions are coming from. The first derives from a powerful feeling of being unsafe. Sex is a supremely vulnerable act, and when your safety is taken away it feels unthinkable to engage in it. Even with these feelings, some people feel they have a responsibility or expectation to be sexual with their partners. This leads to intense negative feelings during sex and can lead to dissociation. This can also lead to negative feelings about a partner who is doing the real or perceived pushing of expectation. On a less intense level, someone might avoid sex because they feel like they're not good enough to be wanted by their partner, wouldn't know what to do or be good at it, or feel like they're gross, making it extremely hard to feel sexy and aroused. This can even make any physical affection with a partner feel scary because it might lead to or create pressure for sex. 
At the other end of the spectrum, some people respond to sexual trauma with highly increased and sometimes risky sexual interaction. While this may be the other end of the spectrum in terms of action, the action is still being driven by negative beliefs about self. In this case, it likely sounds like, "I'm only valued for my body." We all need to feel valued, so this puts people in a difficult spot.

There are several trauma therapies out there, but the most efficacious and evidenced based practice is EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR uses eye movements to activate our brain's natural processing systems work through trauma in the safe environment of a therapy session. EMDR was originally developed using eye movements (hence the name), but these days therapists can also use sounds and physical stimulation to create the same effect. It's all up to your preference. What this bi-lateral stimulation does is connect up your trauma memories to the processing part of your brain, allowing you to actively process trauma and finally move past it. The amazing thing about EMDR is that once you've gotten through processing, it's done.
Memories don't unprocess themselves. Once you're through processing, you'll work with your therapist to install new positive beliefs about yourself in place of the negative ones, and plan for how you might deal with triggering situations in the future so you can move forward in life feeling confident that you can take back your sex life, or just your life in general!

These positive beliefs might sound like:

• “I deserve to enjoy my sexuality”
• “I am okay just as I am”
• “There’s no right or wrong way to enjoy or have sex”
• “I am safe”

I have many clients contact me during our COVID-19 lockdown stating that they really want to do EMDR but thought that they would be unable to, due to therapists operating through telehealth. I can say that our therapists are happy to engage in electronic EMDR with you and technology has provided several ways to make that happen. If working through your trauma and taking back your sex life sounds like a positive, there's no better time than the present!

EMDR for sexual trauma might be a good fit for you. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled EMDR therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Take back your life, and your sexual pleasure, once and for all.

If you have you know that there is some serious sexual tension and build up between the two main characters that results in some extremely steamy sex scenes.
For those of you who haven’t seen it – it is a period drama about a girl from a wealthy family looking for someone to marry and the scandalous things that ensue for her and her family. It also includes lots of sex and sexy scenes sure to give you a little titillation – or at least entertainment!

Something that makes this show interesting is that the main character, Daphne, is finding her sexuality for the time – and doesn’t have social media and friends telling her what to expect. That can seem scary, and I bet it was, but what she doesn’t have to deal with is the BS societal expectations that have come to be about what a woman’s sexuality is “supposed” to look like behind closed doors. Certainly she has the societal expectation that she be “pure” and proper until she gets married – but once she is she’s allowed to explore her sexuality in whatever ways feel naturally good to her instead of trying to adhere to the patriarchal societal expectations.
Even as Daphne “touches herself” for the first time she’s doing it completely not knowing what masturbation is. Can you imagine just being able to masturbate without fears around what is “supposed” to look and feel like?! How freeing!

Women don’t tend to be as “visual” as men and don’t always include watching porn as a part of their regular masturbation routine. However, most women do respond in some way to visual stimuli that is arousing to them. What I like about this his show is very accessible and easy to watch, has some very titillating sexual scenes, and it’s not as “out there” or “raunchy” as much of the main stream porn. This series is basically a romance novel made into a series – and I know many women like to jump start arousal by reading romance novel or two.
What I also know about many women is that it takes responsive desire to build arousal and wanting and that it doesn’t just happening spontaneously. This means we have to have a stimulus of something to jump start that arousal. In long term relationship we have to get more creative about those stimuli in order to maintain a healthy and consistent sexual relationship. This stimulus can be anything from your partner kissing you, seeing your partner excel at something, having a romantic moment with your partner, etc. It can also be from something more obviously sexual like a romance novel, erotic, porn, etc. Or…BRIDGERTON!

So here’s what I suggest. Make yourself your relaxing drink of choice (wine, tea, etc) and sit down and watch this show and pay attention to what happens for you during some of the sexy scenes. This can be some of the more “sexual tension building” type scenes to the first time they have sex. Some of the best buildups include when they are fighting sexual tension while dancing formally together, stolen glances,  barely touch hands while looking at a painting together, and Daphne watching the Duke’s sweaty well defined muscles at the boxing ring and obviously being turned on.
If you want to jump ahead to any scenes, the first sex scene can be found here. (Age restricted, per YouTube)

​Mental arousal includes thinking positive sexual thoughts like “ooo that’s kinda hot” or “he’s really sexy”.

Fantasizing can be as simple as imaging yourself as one of the characters becoming engulfed while dancing and enjoying that romance and sexual build up, or more elaborate and walking yourself through a sex scene imagining you are the one engaging in the act. While doing this you might imagine what each part would feel like to experience yourself.

​Physical arousal is noticing what is happening in your body. This can include:

• Noticing tingles in certain places in your body- particularly genitals
• Noticing warm in places on your body – particularly genitals. When we become aroused blood rushes to our genitals and produces a “warming” sensation
• Noticing lubrication in your genitals

​If you notice any of these things happening – lean into them and try to build upon them. Start touching yourself and see what happens. Or, bring your partner in on the fun and let them touch you. And…go from there!

​In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

Getting time to masturbate may have to be communicated so you can have your privacy without worrying a child or partner is going to interrupt. Asking for this may look something like,
“Hey love (partner), I want to make sure I am getting time by myself right now with everything going on. Sometimes that may include some self-love to meet my sexual needs. I’d also like you to have this time. How can we best make that happen? Is there a specific way you want me to communicate with you when I need this?”

Feeling nervous about having this conversation? Remember that masturbation is normal and healthy. It can be a little awkward to talk about at first, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to talk about a basic need like this with your partner. In fact, as awkward as it may sound, talking about masturbation can actually improve your relationship!

You don’t have to give all the details if you don’t feel comfortable, but communicating that you do masturbate and what you get from that will likely bring you and your partner closer.
To illustrate this, here is an example:
You have been wanting to explore how you can reach orgasm more easily with yourself and partner and are doing this via some exploration with your masturbation. If your partner has no clue this is happening, they don’t know to ask what they can do to incorporate what you’re doing and don’t know how to best support you when you bring something different into your sex life. Telling your partner you tried out a new toy or touching technique and that you want to bring that into your partnered sex is hot! And them knowing your body better will help you feel even closer.

Masturbation is one of those things that once talked about, it’s usually no big deal. If it’s NEVER talked about; then once someone stumbles upon finding out their partner does in fact have a sex life with themselves, it can feel like they were keeping a secret and possibly even feel like a betrayal. If you’ve never told your partner that you enjoy masturbation it can feel like this secret you need to keep from your partner - and secret keeping is never a good idea.
Let me give you an example of what starting this conversation might look like:
“Hey love (partner), I thought we should talk about our sex life and particularly our sex life with ourselves. It’s sort of a weird thing but we never talk about masturbation. It’s a pretty common thing and I think it’s perfectly normal and natural to do it and I do this with some regularity. What about you? And how do you feel about this conversation? Do you have any questions for me? We don’t need to go into all the details if we decide it isn’t relevant but I think it’s good to know where each partner is at at a basic level with this topic.”

If the goal of working on some sexual needs is part of what’s finding you needing some self-love time, remember that you will likely need to be intentional about this time.
Self-love/masturbation is a great and low pressure time to work on improving your sex life. You may want to work on reaching or delaying orgasm, or practice relaxing and enjoying pleasure.
In order to do that, let your partner know you need this time and you’d love their support. They will ultimately benefit from you having this time and you can always return the favor!

​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT

When it comes to sex, each of us attaches a lot of personal values to the act. These values can be positive or negative, big or small, serious or casual. For example, someone might believe that sex is an intensely intimate experience, of great importance, and specifically for getting pregnant. Another person might believe that sex is disgusting, shameful, and not important to them. Still another might think sex is just neat, not a huge deal, and something you can do for fun. All of these values tend to vary not only from person to person, but in relation to who we're having sex with and when (such as a long-term partner or before or after getting married).
As a sex therapist I see a lot of couples struggle with the values each of them has attached to sex, and the conflict that this can cause. This can also cause problems for individuals when it comes to self-love and masturbation, or even seeing themselves as a sexual being. What I want to look at today is how to identify these values, where and how they cause problems, and how to reconcile these issues.

To get started, we'll need to identify what our values are. The easiest way to get going is to just take the time to ask yourself and/or your partner, “What are my/our values about sex?” We should be able to pick out a few things off the top of our heads based solely on how we feel about sex.

Another good way to find values is to take a look at things within the realm of sex that we like and dislike, and then ask why we like or dislike them. For example, someone could think, “I really like foreplay and taking my time with sex.” They could then extrapolate that when it comes to sex, they value patience and not feeling rushed or pressured. Another person might think about trying swinging with their partner and find that they hate the idea. When they ask themselves why, they might identify a value of sex being something special that's just shared between two people.

A third way to identify values about sex is to take a look back at your history and see what you've learned about sex. What did your parents teach you about sex, either by talking about it or not talking about it? What did you learn from school sex ed? Or church? Or friends? Or media? We are constantly blasted with sexual messages throughout our lives, even if they're subtle. Each one of those sexual messages has value attached to it. Have you ever watched a movie and the protagonist scores their love interest at the end? See that happen enough and maybe you pick up the value that to be successful you need someone to want to have sex with you. Then you're pressuring your partner for sex all of the time because without it, you don't feel successful.

Another thing to think about when it comes to values is that it's ok to have different values about sex than other people -- you just want to line up with your partner or partners. For example, a couple might hold the value that sharing sexual pleasure is their number one value, and they don't really value sex as something that's shared between just two people, so they start swinging and sharing sex with another couple to increase both of their pleasure and live their value. But if they talked to a non-swinging couple and both agreed that sharing pleasure is a top priority, the non-swinging couple might be shocked by how the other couple is accomplishing that. This example also shows the complexity of the interaction effects between each value. To be happy swinging, the couple needs to value the fun and pleasure of sex and not value sex as just something between two people.
​Now that we've looked at how complex these values can be, you may be getting an understanding of how they cause problems. Let's take a look.

One of the biggest reasons I see a difference in values cause problems in the bedroom is because we don't often talk about sex in terms of values. Sex is just that: sex. The beliefs we hold about sex are often so core to who we are that we just assume our partner shares those values. Sure, it can be easy to accept that people who are different from you have different ideas about sex. But your partner? The person you chose to be with? You get along so well they must think and feel the same way about sex. Assumption in general causes problems, but when we assume our partners values around sex, it can throw our entire intimate lives off.

Another big issue when it comes to values and sex is when we know we share the value with our partner, but we think living that value means different things. Let's make up a couple as an example.
​We'll call them Taylor and Kelly. These two talked about their values around sex and both agreed that sex is something that should be built on trust and respect. After being together for a while, Kelly suggests that the next time they are intimate, they should engage in some bondage play. Kelly would really like to tie Taylor up for some added excitement. Taylor is appalled. They both agreed that sex is based on trust and respect, so how could Kelly suggest something so demeaning? This leads to a fight that might sound like, "You lied to me!" "What happened to your values?!" or from Kelly side, "I thought we agreed that we trust and respect each other?!" What's going on here is a miscommunication of not only, "How do we live our values?" but also of, "Do specific acts within sex itself have value attached to them?"
So, how do we work out all of these problems?

Knowing that you're going to have, at the very least, one big conversation about this is a good starting point. Knowing what your values are and how you live them is a good first step. Actually getting into the meat of these values and being willing to shift, not our values, but our understanding of them and how they apply, is how we really solve value problems when it comes to sex. For example, let's go back to Taylor and Kelly and imagine that instead of starting a fight, Kelly hears a potential value problem and says "Ok, let's talk about our value of trust and respect." From a value perspective, Kelly explains that, to them, bondage is rooted in trust and respect. For Taylor to be tied up and not in full control of themselves, they need to completely trust Kelly. If there's any fear of what Kelly might do, then the trust isn't there. By following through on their agreed bondage plan, Kelly demonstrates that they respect Taylor’s wishes. Here, Taylor can accept this change in perspective on how bondage can exist with trust and respect. Taylor isn't changing the value that sex needs trust and respect, just understanding that this can be a part of it.
To solve value problems, we need to find where our values can line up and include new things. We also need to be mindful of all of our values. Kelly couldn't say, "If you value my pleasure, you'll let me go sleep with other people for fun" if Taylor holds the value that sex is something that stays in the relationship. Don't sacrifice your values. Just be willing to see how they can include more than you first thought.

We know this pandemic feels never-ending and that, if you’re quarantining with your partner or spouse, you may be spending a LOT of time together. You may be losing steam for making intentional time to connect, and that makes total sense. It’s been a long journey!
With so much going on in the world, it can be difficult to find the energy to put into your relationship and it’s still important to connect in positive ways. Because we know your tank may be low or even feel empty, we want to give you some small and easy ways to improve your overall relationship (and even your sex life!). These small gestures are called bids for connection, a term by Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship researcher, therapist, and one of the founders of Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

A bid for connection is any action or gesture made to positively connect with a partner or loved one. We are constantly making bids to our loved ones for comfort, affection, attention, intellectual stimulation, support, etc. Gestures can be overt and obvious, or they can be more subtle. Check out this quick video: