Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller When I tell people that I am a therapy intern at the Sexual Wellness Institute I am always shocked at how few people understand what sex therapy is. For most people, their understanding of sex therapy comes from media portrayals that misconstrue and create a caricature of sex therapy. I can’t count the number of times that I have been compared to Roz Focker, a fictional larger-than-life sex therapist played by Barbra Streisand in the movie Little Fockers. In the movie, Roz casually doles out advice on the most pleasurable sex positions to people she is meeting for the first time and makes family get-togethers awkward when she inquires about the sex lives of her in-laws. She has also coined catchphrases like “Sexpress yourself!” and “Unleash the beast inside you” which she will share with clients, friends, family, and strangers alike. While I appreciate the way that sex therapy has become more mainstream and socially acceptable, I worry that misrepresentations give people that could benefit from sex therapy the wrong idea. Let’s dig into what sex therapy actually is and what you can expect from a sex therapy session at the Sexual Wellness Institute. Sex positivity at a pace that feels right for youThe creators of Little Fockers didn’t get everything wrong with their character Roz. First, I appreciate her sex-positive approach to life, and I believe that most sex therapists would agree with my perspective. There is nothing that Roz won’t talk about, whether it is the intimate details of sexual pleasure, kink, BDSM, relationship satisfaction, or sexuality as we age. When you come to Sexual Wellness Institute, there is nothing that we haven’t heard before and no part of your sexual experience is off limits. However, in my opinion, Roz comes off as invasive and violates the boundaries of the people around her. There is no consent from the people she interacts with to confirm that they want to share the personal details of their sex life. In fact, it is quite clear that people find Roz’s constant discussion of sex to be unpleasant and stressful. In real life, the process of sex therapy is client-centered and client-led. We can move at a pace that feels manageable for you and only go into details that you feel safe sharing. It can be important for your therapist to know specific details of your sex life, but you always have the autonomy to say that you don’t want to share, and that will be respected. Sex therapy has boundariesOf course, it is important that the therapy space feels safe and you trust your therapist with your story, but there are boundaries around what is and is not appropriate in therapy. These guidelines are in place to protect both you and the therapist. First off, this is not sex work (people who receive money or goods in exchange for sexual services) or sex surrogacy (practitioners who address issues related to intimacy and sex through the use of touch and sexual contact). Therefore, there will be no physical contact, nudity, or sexual activity between you and your sex therapist. In the movie Little Fockers, Roz leads a class in her home for seniors to physically guide them through different sex positions that will work with their aging bodies. At the Sexual Wellness Institute, we are happy to discuss and recommend specific sexual interactions and positions, but we will not touch, guide, or physically assist you in any way. Similarly, we will not invite you to our homes, go to your home, or meet you outside of our office or telehealth session. Unlike Roz, sex therapists are bound by important ethical considerations that prohibit dual relationships or activities that could be construed as friendships. What can you talk about in sex therapy?While Roz appears to be singularly focused on sexual pleasure, true sex therapy covers any and everything related to human sexuality. This could include sexual trauma, enhancing couple intimacy, polyamorous and non-monogamous relationship structures, sexual exploration and development, and sexuality while aging from puberty to menopause and beyond. Similarly, all of the clinicians at the Sexual Wellness Institute are trained as clinical counselors, social workers, or marriage and family therapists in addition to getting training related to sex and sexuality. This means that we are all adept at working with issues like anxiety, depression, and general life dissatisfaction that may or may not be related to your sexual problems. Want Help IRL? Talk with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope that this blog might help to dispel some myths about sex therapy that are common in media and movie portrayals. If you have other questions or think that sex therapy might be right for you, please feel free to contact Sexual Wellness Institute for more information. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns through sex therapy in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Valentines Day is coming up! Feeling romantic but not sure what to do? We’ve compiled a list of a few different ideas of places to go as a couple in Plymouth, MN. As a fun add on to date night we included topics to discuss or things to do as a part of making the most out of your date night! These are all great things to do outside of Valentines Day as well, and many are even kid friendly. Support a local business and order some delicious Mexican take out at La Cocina de AnaCocina de Ana is a local business that has oven ready meals available for pick up. Try the pollo con adobo! Once you get home and have your goodies in the oven, download the app “Gottman Card Decks” go to the “love maps” questions. These are questions designed to get at deeper level conversations than you may be used to doing in order to increase your knowing of one another. Extra bonus: try the “sex questions” to learn more about what each other desires. Go out for a movie at Plymouth Grand 15You could start the night off with dinner at your favorite restaurant and then grab some popcorn and snuggle up for a great movie at Plymouth Grand 15. If you’d like to go to dinner right near the theater we suggest Kobe for some fun Hibachi. Try snowshoeing, cross country skiing, or sledding at French Regional ParkThere’s something for everyone when it comes to winter rentals in the area. At French Regional Park, you can rent snowshoes for $6 a pair (two hour time limit), cross country skis for $14 a pair (two hour time limit), or sleds for free! Winter activities not your thing? No worries! Go for a walk along one of the many trails at French Regional Park and talk about what you admire most about each other. Have a romantic evening at Luce Line Brewing Co.Grab a beer and some pizza and talk about some of your favorite memories from your relationship so far. For extra points start dreaming of your next trip together. Luce Line Brewing Co is a great spot to have an intimate, yet casual conversation. Near by this brewery is also the luce line trail which is great for walking. Give Ice Skating a try at Plymouth Ice CenterBring your own skates or rent some for $5 a pair. There is open skating on Tuesday afternoons and Friday evenings. Check their schedule for exact times. You can even turn this into a fun competition- whoever falls the least amount of times gets to pick where you have dinner! Or every time someone falls they have to say one thing they love about you. Get your sweat on with fitness classes at the Plymouth Community CenterFrom yoga and dance classes, to open court times for pickleball, they offer a variety of ways to get your body moving and try something new with your partner(s)! If you want to keep it more low key just do some laps around their indoor walking track while talking about your first date. What do you remember about it? Relax with a Couples Massage at Hand and Stone Massage and Facial Spa![]() Slow down and be present with your partner(s) during a relaxing couples massage. After the massage discuss ways that you each like to be touched- and get specific! Examples:
Interested in Sex Therapy or Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?We hope you found this list useful and it encourages you to try something new with your love(s) this Valentine’s Day! If you want some support, our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller ![]() On a recent trip to the gynecologist, I was asked by a nurse to describe the pain I was experiencing in my “private parts.” Was she talking about my vagina? Labia? Breast? I had no way of knowing. Throughout the conversation, it was unclear if we were communicating about the same body parts because of her vague vocabulary and apparent discomfort talking about genitals. This failure to use anatomically accurate words to describe female genitals has become somewhat ubiquitous, showing itself in conversations with friends and even in a medical setting. Slang words like pussy, vajayjay, downstairs, private parts, crotch, honey pot, and beaver have become universal as a catchall phrase for all parts of female genitalia to the point that many people do not know the difference between the vagina and the vulva. I work with several clients who show embarrassment when I use words like clitoris and instead opt for euphemisms, such as “down there.” In pop culture, we feel comfortable with songs like WAP (Wet Ass Pussy), but rarely hear the word vulva on TV. So you might be wondering, does it matter what words we use to describe our sexual organs? What’s wrong with slang words if it is more comfortable for me? How sexual slang is wreaking havoc without you even knowing it![]() In terms of sex therapy, it is important for the client(s) and the therapist to be on the same page about what is going well and what needs improvement related to your sexual experiences. It may be challenging to make progress towards your goals without a basic understanding of your body and knowing how to talk about it with others. Similarly, being able to instruct your partner with detailed information sets you both up for satisfying sexual experiences. Without a shared vocabulary, you may not be able to express exactly how and where you like to be touched. While understanding your sexual anatomy can be an important first step toward more fulfilling sexual experiences, I would argue that knowledge about your own body is essential at an even more basic level. You need to have the vocabulary to describe what part of your body hurts to a doctor. Imagine if you went to the ER with a broken leg and the only word that you had to describe your shin, knee, thigh, and ankle was “limb.” It could be pretty challenging for a doctor to help if there was no way of pinpointing exactly where it hurt. Now imagine you go to the gynecologist, and you only know the word “private parts” to describe everything from your cervix to your clitoris. Again, it would be challenging for a doctor to understand your pain and help alleviate the issue. In order to receive healthcare services and make informed decisions about our bodies, a basic understanding of our reproductive anatomy is essential. It is not your fault, sexual slang is everywhereBefore we get to the solution, I want to convey to you that this isn’t your fault! Discomfort around talking about genitals, particularly female genitals, is deeply ingrained in our society and starts at a young age. Think about how your parents talked to you when you were growing up and started to show curiosity about your body. I often hear parents tell their children not to touch their “no-no parts” in public, or not to reveal their “private square” to strangers. Although children continue to develop both physically and emotionally, their vocabulary for genitals plateaus with slang words and euphemisms. This is only exacerbated by an abysmal sexual education system that often leaves children with fear of STIs and pregnancies and without a comprehensive understanding of their own bodies and anatomy. Not only does this leave us at a disadvantage in sex therapy and healthcare settings, but it also breeds shame about our bodies. If you can’t name your vagina, how can you expect to accept, appreciate, and even love it? Tips to improve your sexual lingo!![]() If you feel uncomfortable using anatomical descriptors, I have some tips for you. First, brush up on your vocabulary! Look at a diagram of a vulva, label what you know, and inquire about the parts that you can’t name. Where is the perineum? What is the mons pubis? Once you feel confident with this new lexicon, try pointing to each of these parts of your own body. Looking in a mirror or feeling with your fingers, identify your labia, your clitoris, and your vaginal opening. No matter how acquainted you feel with your body, there is always more to learn and explore. Next, clarify what you are referring to when you are in conversation with others. If a friend starts talking about washing their “puss,” ask them to elaborate in order to ensure that you understand what they are saying. You can continue to practice in safe places, like in the doctor’s office, with your therapist, and around close friends or family. It will get easier over time. Of course, sexual slang has its place, and I don’t want to discourage anyone from naming their genitals with words that feel fitting. However, I also want to empower everyone to be familiar with all their reproductive body parts in order to be able to make informed decisions about their body, convey information in healthcare settings, and increase satisfaction with sex. Ready to Increase Your Sexual Comfort and Confidence? Talk with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNOur sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns through sex therapy in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Lost your erection? Let's talk.Have you or a partner ever lost an erection during sexual intimacy? This can be an incredibly nerve-wracking experience and can sometimes ruin your whole evening. Today we're going to look at why this can happen and why it doesn't have to be this way. By improving our understanding of how erections function and learning some tools to help us, it can be easy to knock this problem out. "It's not you, it's me."![]() The first thing we want to understand is that erections are complicated. This isn't as simple as seeing a person you're attracted to and getting an erection. I like to think about erections as the result of a simple equation: Turn-ons - Turn-offs = do you have an erection? A positive number means yes and a negative one means no. So, let's look at where people most often get confused, scared, or even hurt in dealing with the loss of erection. It can be easy to jump to feeling broken, or for a partner to feel that you're not attracted to them. Most people look to the "turn on" side of things for a solution. They stop masturbating so they're more excited for sex, buy some lingerie so they'll be sexy enough to give their partner an erection, or even seek out medication. But people still consistently end up in my office looking for help with erections because most of the time these things don't work. They're addressing the wrong part of the equation. The number one killer of erection is "turn offs", and the most common one is anxiety. Erections: Under PressureAs a culture, we put a ridiculous amount of pressure on getting an erection. We imagine it's a simple result of wanting or being attracted to your partner. We see it as a symbol of masculinity and virility. We laugh at men who struggle with erections in the media we consume. Even this year's smash hit "House of the Dragon" contained a negative plot about the main character not being able to get an erection. So, with all of this pressure building up on the turn-off side of the erection equation it's no wonder so many men feel anxious about getting one. Erection Anxiety is a Vicious CycleOnce it happens a single time, the anxiety sets in even more strongly and can begin a powerful negative cycle. This sounds something like "I lost my erection last time and it ruined our night, what if that happens again?" and the anxiety builds. "What if my partner thinks I'm not attracted to them?" and the anxiety builds. "What if they leave me because I can never get an erection again?" and the anxiety builds. This leads to an equation where the "turn-offs" powerfully outweigh the "turn-ons" and so the cycle continues and gets stronger. So what can you do?![]() There is so much we can do to alleviate this stress. This problem doesn't have to haunt you forever. Let's look at some things to try, and if these aren't cutting it, our Plymouth, MN based sex therapists are always here to help. First, let's look at this big ball of anxiety because without moving this it's going to be hard to reach your goals. A fantastic way to start can be talking to your partner about what's happening. Knowing that your partner understands that your equation is unbalanced by anxiety immediately releases a lot of anxiety. This means they know you're not broken, they know you're still attracted to them, and they know you're taking steps to move forward. I would say feeling this understanding and support from your partner is the most powerful factor in releasing anxiety. Another great way to move away from the anxiety is to have good sexual intimacy with your partner that's not focused on erections. Have a fun night focusing on using toys or oral sex. You can even have a positive night where you focus entirely on giving your partner pleasure, where your erection doesn't even come into things. The more positive experiences you have when your erection goes away or doesn't even show up, the less scary it is in the first place. And this is key, if you're not afraid of losing it, you probably won't lose it in the first place. Mindfulness Can HelpNext, it's important to remember that your "turn-ons" are still there, the anxiety is just really good at getting you to focus on it instead. One helpful tip can be to bring mindful focus to simple and straightforward sensations. As you touch and are touched, what sensations do you notice? What temperature, pressure, and texture can you feel? By focusing on these things, you can not only shut out negative thoughts, but you are keeping yourself present with something that is arousing. This can be tough, and I often recommend people practice general mindfulness meditation to improve those skills. Erections Ebb and Flow: Let Intimacy GrowBefore I end, I want to mention that there can be natural ebbs and flows in erection throughout a session of intimacy. If you're doing mutual touch with your partner as foreplay and have an erection but then lose your erection when you begin performing oral sex on your partner, this is normal. If the penis isn't being actively stimulated, it's totally normal for there to be a loss of erection. Many different scenarios can lead to this. If you can remember what we've covered here today, to not freak out, to not let the anxiety take over, and to stay present with the positives in the moment, you can go on to enjoy the rest of your time with your partner. Life is too short to waste good intimacy. Want to Improve Your Intimacy? A Minnesota Sex Therapist Can Help.I know these are difficult topics to talk about, but talking is the first step. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns and deal with addiction in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Porn Addiction has become quite the buzzword in recent years. The recent pandemic certainly hasn't helped with this issue as many people faced isolation, increased levels of depression, and boredom. This caused some people to use pornography as a coping skill. Some may even wonder if they have a sex or porn "addiction”. A Note About Pornography Addiction vs. CompulsionThe sex therapy community as a whole generally doesn't recognize sex or pornography as an addiction. These behaviors can certainly be compulsive, but there are a few key differences between addiction and compulsion. The biggest is that compulsion has a core driving force that drives porn use, while addiction drives itself. This is an important distinction because if we work to heal whatever is driving the compulsive use we can stop it. The other thing I want to clarify is that pornography use is not inherently bad. I see pornography as a neutral concept, but how it's created and used determines whether it's good or bad in your life. One way pornography can become an unhealthy thing in your life is when it’s being used as a coping skill to escape negative feelings. Fight or Flight![]() When we experience negative feelings there's an almost immediate reaction. A part of our brain called the amygdala constantly works to decide if things in the world around us are a threat. This is the fight or flight center of our brain, and unfortunately, it's not very smart. The amygdala can't tell the difference between hurtful words and real physical danger. It senses that we are afraid or hurt and it kicks into gear. One way many people end up using porn in an unhealthy way is by using it to "run away" from painful emotional states. Sexual pleasure and stimulation release a whole load of feel-good chemicals in the brain which can temporarily override negative emotions and provide an escape from the pain. The problem here is that it's only temporary. Once that "high" wears off the problem is still there for you to face. This is where porn use can truly become compulsive. It becomes a cycle of feeling good, and then as soon as the discomfort starts to set in again it's back to your painkiller. Just about anything can be the cause of this pain, from daily life struggles to deep personal trauma. Again, I'd like to point out the positive here that if you work to heal that internal pain and develop healthy coping skills you can overcome this unhealthy use of pornography. Finding Meaning: Porn As a DistractionPain isn't the only thing that makes us want to escape. A study published in the November 2022 journal of Personality and Individual Differences found that many people use porn as an escape from the meaninglessness that can arise from boredom. The study's author had previously found that boredom can convey a strong sense of meaninglessness in life. This meaninglessness is the exact kind of pain we're talking about when we look at the kind of existential pain people often try to escape from instead of resolving. In this study, the researchers found a significant link between boredom and pornography use. They identified that indeed pornography use does create a distraction from that negative mental state, and this also leads to increased use. Pornography Use in Relationships |