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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT If you've done any couples therapy or spent time researching how to better your relationships on your own, you've probably heard of Gottman Therapy. John Gottman has been one of the most prolific researchers on couples therapy for decades, having authored over two hundred scholarly articles and more than two dozen books. With such a wealth of information, it can feel overwhelming when wondering where to start learning from his work. Today, I want to go over some basic Gottman Therapy concepts that you can start putting into practice in your own life and relationship. Discovering the Power of Gottman Method Couples TherapyPeople always give knowing looks when they say things like "relationships are work" but many people don't actually know what that work entails. Most people chalk it up to thinking that sometimes couples fight, or that things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. While it's true that relationships have challenges unless you're approaching them in a healthy way you're not "doing the work" you're just fighting. The work relationships take is about building and maintaining connection while handling conflict in a productive way that also moves your relationship forward. Let's look at a couple of ways Gottman therapy approaches these things. Building Strong Connections: The Love Maps of Gottman Therapy The first thing I really like to educate couples on is Gottman's concept of Love Maps. A Love Map is your road map to another person. It's everything from their favorite color or flavor of ice cream to understanding how they'd prefer to be comforted after a hard day or their relationship with their parents. Learning this information about your partner allows you to interact with them on a level that no one else can. My favorite thing about love maps is that they make your partner feel seen and appreciated as an individual. One way to do this is by using Love Maps to enhance the love languages to be a perfect fit for your partner. For example, if my girlfriend is having a bad day, I could pick up some flowers for her on my way home. This is already using love map knowledge. I have to be taking in love map information consistently enough to know that she's having a bad day. However, this is still just a basic use of the "gifts" love language. I know that McNuggets are her biggest guilty pleasure and if I bring those home instead of flowers she'll be much happier. By using what we know of one another to improve how we interact, we deepen our connection. One way to put in the work in a relationship is by always continuing to learn about your partner. After a couple of years together many people end up feeling like they know everything about their partner, but we are all constantly changing and growing so you can never stop learning. Navigating Conflict with Gottman Therapy: The Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom Next, let's look at some of Gottman Therapy's ideas about conflict. Conflict is challenging and unavoidable in relationships. Unfortunately, just having the fight isn't necessarily putting in the work. For all of us, there is always growing room and work to be done in how we do conflict. The first concept to look at here is how we start conflict. When conflict starts with an attack, the other person immediately gets defensive, even if the attacking partner's frustration is justified. Gottman calls this the "harsh startup." Softening your startup can be hard work. When we're upset about something we want to make our frustration heard. However, a harsh startup accomplishes the opposite of this by putting your partner on the defensive, where they are unwilling to listen. A good way to know if you or your partner are using a harsh startup, or to avoid doing so, is by looking for the presence of Gottman's four horsemen These horsemen are harbingers of doom for any relationship whether you're seeing them in conflict or anywhere else. These may come up for any couple, but if they do so consistently, it spells the end of the relationship the vast majority of the time. The Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Let's look at these four and how they come up in conflict.
Putting in the Work: Tips for Conflict Resolution and Relationship EnhancementIf you can work to keep these horsemen out of your conflict, you're really putting in the work. One tip I like to give people is to ask themselves what they really want when they engage in conflict. I think the number one answer is to be heard, and to have the conflict resolved. While it may feel satisfying to be sarcastic or petty, these things aren't helping you accomplish what you really want. Reminding yourself that it's in your own best interest to avoid these horsemen can help avoid them.  Your Journey Starts Here: Recommended Reading for Gottman Marriage CounselingGottman has a mountain of good literature and we'll be back to look at more concepts from his work! If you want to read about any of this on your own, I highly recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It's a great place to start putting in the work. Consider Gottman Couples Therapy in Plymouth, MNDon’t wait any longer to get the Gottman method couples therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to Gottman method couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!
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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT In recent years we've begun to take small steps as a society in making it ok to discuss our sexuality and the challenges that it can present in our lives and relationships. One result of this change has been increased openness and conversation around porn use. Unfortunately, this has led to a lot of sensationalism and buzzwords being thrown around. Primarily, porn addiction. Today I want to really take a look at the idea of porn addiction. As part of this discussion, I'll also include how ideas around healthy personal sexuality show up in our relational sexual experience as well. "Porn Addiction" Isn't Actually a Thing To address the elephant in the room right away, let's talk about porn addiction. To put this as clearly as I can, porn addiction doesn't exist. This may cause some backlash or frustration for some but hear me out. Addiction is a very real and very serious concern. Addiction refers to a specific situation in which a thing is, in and of itself, addictive. Alcohol, Meth, nicotine, caffeine. These substances have legitimate chemical compounds that cause addictive feedback loops that can alter and control brain chemistry. No one is going to be retching on the floor going through porn withdrawals because they don't exist. Now, all this being said, porn use can certainly mimic some addictive behaviors, but there is one incredibly important difference when it comes to porn use. This difference is that porn is an incredibly effective maladaptive coping skill. When an individual is in pain, they seek any way to make that pain stop. They will lie, steal, cheat, and even cause harm to their lives and relationships to make that pain stop. Our primal drive to escape from pain is one of our most powerful and instinctive motivators. So, when someone discovers that porn can make that pain go away, even for a short time, they become compulsively driven to return to it. What they are "addicted" to is not being in pain, not the porn itself. All of these same things could be said of a shopping "addiction." For instance, somebody who is struggling with their mental health may find that buying new things gives them a brief high, where they can feel good. They may even drive themselves to financial ruin or cause major conflict in their relationships because they can't stop buying things. It's the only way they know how to make the pain stop. How Pain and Porn Relate, Really So, what is this pain? One of the main problems with this issue is that men, who primarily struggle with compulsive porn use, are not raised or cultured to be very emotionally intelligent or articulate. Nine times out of ten when I work with men who are struggling with this issue, they begin by telling me they have no idea why it's happening. However, as we explore their history and emotions, they're able to identify internal negative feelings about themselves, unprocessed trauma, depression, etc. Without the ability to identify your own internal pain, it's almost impossible to identify why you are compulsively using porn, let alone articulate those complex feelings to a partner. The amazing thing about this distinction is that if we can work in therapy to resolve this internal pain and teach healthy coping skills, the compulsive nature of the porn use entirely goes away. This is so important. So many individuals and couples that I talk to about this are terrified that they will have to cope with porn addiction in their lives or marriages forever or are worried they will have to end a relationship because of it. By treating the underlying issues we can truly fix this problem, and that's a hopeful thought. Sex Communicates a LOT of Different ThingsI want to take the time to note that these ideas are true of partnered sex as well. Sex communicates so many wonderful things: love, connection, value, desire, and so much more. And it should! Sex is a wonderful thing. However, these powerful messages can also serve as a powerful painkiller for internal pain. This can lead individuals to compulsively crave sex and pressure their partners for more intimacy as a way to feel loved, good, enough wanted, etc. As I said, sex should communicate all of these things, but if you don't already feel them internally then you end up relying on sex for them and that creates an unhealthy relationship with sex.  Concerned About a Porn "Addicted" Partner?The biggest message I want to communicate with everything I've said here is this: If you're scared that you or your partner are addicted to porn/sex, help them explore why they're using. What does it do for them? What are they getting out of it? Seek a sex therapist who uses the compulsive sexual behavior model and not a sex addiction model. If you're just treating the porn use, you're just putting a band-aid on a much deeper problem. No matter how many skills for control you stack on top of this, if you don't heal the deeper wound, the reason why the compulsive behavior is happening in the first place, then nothing is going to change. You can overcome this issue, you just need the right help. Consider Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.Sex and sexuality can be an incredible part of our lives as individuals or as partners. So many people have that joy taken from them, whether that's through sexual trauma, negligent education, cultural shame, or any number of reasons. You deserve to have sexuality be a bright spot of happiness in your life, not a place of fear or shame. We often say of sex therapy that when things are going well, sex is 10% of your life, it's important but so are other things. When sex is going wrong however, it becomes 90% and can feel like it's taking over your life. Let us help you take those first steps to taking your sex life back. If you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, we can help!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller There frequently seems to be a myth that lubricants are only for people with vaginas who struggle with vaginal dryness. That is absolutely not the case. There is a lube for everyone and every type of sex. Sex researcher Debby Herbenick found in a research study that the use of lubrication was associated with more pleasurable and satisfying sex and masturbation. Not only can lubricants make sex more enjoyable, but they can also make sex safer! Yes, you heard that right. When having sex with a condom, using a lubricant makes it less likely for the condom to rip or tear, therefore decreasing your risk of pregnancy and STI transmission. Lube can also reduce the chance of tears in your skin, which again decreases your risk of STI transmission. Keep reading for some more things to consider as you start to incorporate lube into your sex life. The History of Lube Lube is not a new concept, in fact, it has been around for thousands of years. Around 350 BCE, people were using olive oil to help things glide more easily during vaginal and anal sex. Just to be clear, DIY lubricants are no longer recommended, particularly for penetrative sex. K-Y Jelly became the first product to be marketed and sold as a personal lubricant in 1917, however, it was only available by prescription from your doctor until the 1980s. In the 80s, lube continued to take off to where it is today, commonplace and easily purchased at most grocery stores and pharmacies. Different types of lubes and what to consider when you buy: Water-based lube: This is a versatile option, which can be used solo, with a partner, with a condom, or with sex toys. Water-based lubes are compatible with every sex toy material, including silicone, which is not the case for all other lubes. Silicone Lube: This is typically considered one of the most long-lasting lubricants, therefore, it is typically recommended for penetrative sex whether that is vaginal or anal. Because silicone lubes are more slippery and don’t dry out as quickly, silicone lube can also be used for water play. They are compatible with condoms, but not with silicone toys, so beware of that before using. Oil-based Lube: This is a great option when you do not plan on having penetrative sex. Oil-based lubes are not recommended for internal use (vaginally or anally) but are a great steamy addition to male solo sex or an erotic massage. Specialty Lubes: There are also a wide variety of fun lubricants to help add some spice to your sex life. This can include flavored lubes, warming and tingling lubes, and THC-infused lubes. It might be important to do more research to ensure that these lubes are right for you. Some things to remember are that flavored lubes are best for adding a delicious taste to your next oral sex adventure but are not as great for penetrative sex. Pleasure-enhancing lubricants can be a fun way to increase sensations, but it is important to test the lubricant on your wrist or arm before your genitals to make sure that you don’t have an allergic reaction. Similarly, THC-infused lubricants have a sensitizing effect but are only available in some states and for people over the age of 21. Lube is amazing, why isn’t everyone using it?I hope I have been able to convey that lube can be an incredible tool for increasing sexual pleasure and satisfaction. So then why was it that in 2020 nearly 250 million Americans said that they do not use lube? It appears that there can still be some embarrassment about using lube during sex. Ms. Brown, a sex coach and self-described “lube enthusiast” stated that “We live in a society where a self-lubricating vulva and vagina is celebrated and one that does not is shamed.” I understand where that fear of lubricants is coming from, but this is not just a tool for dealing with sexual dysfunction, it is a tool for everyone to increase pleasure! Find the Best Lube for You I am predicting that this embarrassment is about to change because lube is having a moment. Gone are the days when your lube comes in a dingy plastic tube that you want to hide away and causes a mess every time you use it. Now lube is coming in chic packaging that makes it resemble a high-end beauty product. Brands like Maude, Bloomi, Foria, and Dame, are all going to great lengths to make sure that their bottles are so aesthetic that you want to display them proudly on your nightstand. Want to join the lubricant movement? Figure out what type of lube is best for you, find a bottle that pleases your eyes, and show off that bottle where people can see it. It can be a great conversation starter and it could drastically improve your sexual pleasure. Want to Talk With an Expert? Begin Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.It's not just lube that is having a moment. Sex therapy is becoming more popular and normalized, too! If you've been wondering about topics of a more intimate nature and want support, an expert sex and relationship therapist in our Plymouth, MN therapy practice can help. Let us help you take those first steps to embracing your sex life more fully. In fact, we can help you wherever you are in the state via online sex and relationship therapy in Minnesota!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex and relationship therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. Sources: We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller June is Pride Month! As a masters-level intern at a Plymouth, MN based sex therapy practice, I think that it is essential to center LGBTQ rights in my personal and professional life. At the core of my sex therapy practice is a belief that all people deserve bodily autonomy and the ability to express their sexuality in safe, respectful, and affirming environments. I believe it is essential that all people advocate for LGBTQ liberation because everyone deserves the right to have freedom over their bodies. In the words of the great civil rights leader Fannie Lou Hamer, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” A good place to start is to learn more about the history of the Gay Rights Movement and Pride Month. Continue reading to learn about the Stonewall Riots, why Pride matters, where we are today, and how to celebrate.  Pride! A brief history.Pride month is a commemoration of the Stonewall Riots that took place in June 1969. Stonewall Inn was a gay bar in Greenwich Village Manhattan, a place where LGBTQ individuals could express themselves and socialize without worry about public stigma. The Stonewall Inn became a New York institution, welcoming drag queens, homeless gay youth, and the LGBTQ community at large. However, engaging in “gay behavior,” such as kissing, holding hands, or dancing with someone of the same sex was still illegal at the time. Therefore, police would often harass and raid gay bars. On June 28th, 1969, Stonewall was raided by police who arrested patrons and took them into police vehicles. Customers and onlookers became increasingly upset about this act of police violence and started to fight back, starting a 6-day protest event and eventually forcing the police to retreat. The following year, on the anniversary of the Stonewall riots, activists wanted to build on that spirit of resistance and organized the first-ever Pride parade. The theme “Gay Pride” was selected as the antithesis of the shame that was so prevalent in the gay community at the time. Three Reasons Why Pride Matters:
The Commercialization of Pride It is also important to recognize the ways that corporations coopt the meaning of Pride and profit from “rainbow-washing.” Rainbow washing is the act of advertising gay Pride through rainbow colors in order to indicate solidarity with the LGBTQ community without providing pragmatic support to that community. There has been concern that Pride is abandoning its roots in protest and revolution and is instead becoming a party. While it is important to have spaces where LGBTQ folks feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves authentically, wearing rainbow colors, and spending time together, Pride is about more than just that. Pride is about creating radical change in our society. I would encourage each of you to think about the ways that you celebrate Pride, particularly those of you that identify as LGBTQ allies. Are you providing financial contributions to organizations that are actively fighting for LGBTQ rights and well-being? Are you engaging in the work of activists, particularly LGBTQ people of color? Or are you engaging in performative allyship by purchasing a rainbow item from a corporation that does not hold LGBTQ at the forefront of its business? How and Where to Celebrate in the MN Twin CitiesPride will take place June 23rd to June 25th at Loring Park in Minneapolis. The 51st annual Twin Cities Pride Festival will feature local BIPOC and LGBTQ+ vendors, food courts, a beer garden, and music stages. Learn more about upcoming events and how to get involved here: https://tcpride.org/festival/. LGBTQ-Centered Therapy in Minnesota At the Sexual Wellness Institute, our therapists are trained to facilitate LGBTQ-centered therapy and position topics of power, privilege, and difference at the forefront of our work. Whether you are seeking to explore your gender and sexual identity, cope with societal stigma and LGBTQ oppression, or looking for techniques to enhance your sexual satisfaction, we have therapists that are ready and able to help. Reach out today because you deserve a safe space to receive affirming care. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT First let's answer the question: what is sex therapy?There can often be misconceptions about sex therapy and to put it simply, sex therapy is just like normal therapy except we're addressing sexual topics. Just like in standard therapy, we take everything at a pace that will feel safe and comfortable for everyone involved. We recognize that starting therapy can already be challenging enough and we take the increased vulnerability that comes with talking about sex very seriously. Sex therapy is a specialty and I always like to mention that our therapists are foundationally trained as general therapists. This means that we can help with whatever other issues may be a part of your sexual concerns as well, whether that is anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship distress, or just about anything else. We like to focus on sexual concerns because that's what you're coming to us for, but don't be afraid to mention other concerns as well. Here are just a few examples of what you might want to address in sex therapy: Getting Started with Online Sex Therapy in MinnesotaMeeting a new therapist can be tough. To start we offer free 30-minute consultations to make sure you feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Once you've found your therapist, they'll take a detailed life history to ensure your treatment is tailored to fit your needs as well as your values. We'll talk openly and without shame about any and all sexual concerns you may have. One common myth about sex is that it should just be easy and happen smoothly and naturally. Human sexuality is incredibly complicated, especially when we start mixing our own with one or more partners. We can help you better understand your own sexuality as well as how to effectively communicate about it with a partner. How Long Will Sex Therapy Take? Unfortunately, there are no guarantees on how much time therapy will take. It depends on what your concern is as well as many other factors. I can say that research has extensively shown that just signing up for therapy can begin to make things feel better. Knowing that you're actively addressing concerns and making progress on goals does a lot to alleviate the strain of sexual problems. Your therapist will also give you new tools and skills to begin reducing the negative impact of any sexual concerns. Some therapy lasts 6 weeks and some therapy can take years. You can begin and quit therapy at any time, there are no contracts locking you into a certain number of sessions. Sexual Enrichment Through Sex TherapyThis phase of sex therapy is where you can really start building your ideal love life. Whether you're coming into therapy ready for enrichment or want to keep working forward after overcoming any sexual challenges, sexual enrichment is what takes your love life to the next level. The sex education most of us get is little more than a glorified biology lesson about human reproduction, and hardly an education on human sexuality. We can help you discover how to truly get in touch with your sexuality, how to identify and communicate your desires or fantasies to your partner, as well as how to make them happen. It's important to mention that sex therapy will never include any level of disrobing or sexual activity in session, we're just helping you talk through these ideas and to feel confident in implementing them in your own life. Sex Therapy Online or In-Person? When I first started doing online therapy during the pandemic, I was very worried I wouldn't be able to provide the same level of care as in-person sessions. Over the last 3 years I have found online therapy to be just as beneficial and productive as in person sessions. Telehealth therapy allows for sessions in the comfort of your own home and can often be much more convenient than driving to the office. Sex therapy can also be hard to find, especially outside of the Twin Cities. Our clinic offers services across the entire state through online therapy in Minnesota. We also offer hybrid scheduling allowing you to be in person or online depending on your schedule and convenience. We use a secure and HIPAA compliant platform to conduct all our online therapy sessions to ensure your privacy and data security. |