I want to state right away that when used ethically and responsibly pornography, can be a perfectly healthy and positive part of your solo sex life and can be a fun inclusion with a partner as well. Masturbation is fairly ubiquitous among men and the large majority of women as well. When used as a healthy way to meet sexual needs masturbation actually has a lot of benefits including better sleep, improved heart health, and even a reduced rate of prostate cancer in men. A study from Harvard Medical School showed that men who ejaculated 21 times or more a month had a whopping 33% reduced risk of prostate cancer. On top of the physical benefits, masturbation helps you learn about your own body. It allows us to learn what really feels good for us so that we can achieve even better orgasms. This also allows us to then communicate that information to our partners so we can have better partnered sexual experiences as well. How are you supposed to tell your partner what feels good for you if you've never explored it? Masturbation also helps us develop mindful awareness of sensation during sex which gives increased control over arousal, orgasm, and erection. It also feels pretty good.
So with all of this great stuff what's the problem? When used improperly, pornography and masturbation can cause some serious problems, and in quarantine, these are even harder to deal with.

As we said above, the issue here isn't porn or masturbation, but how and why we're using them. To keep porn use healthy, be mindful of what you're watching and how it portrays the people involved. There's a ton of ethically produced porn out there. The biggest issue usually comes up when we're using these things as a way to avoid dealing with a problem like feeling down, being bored, or being frustrated. If you feel like you have a problem with porn use or masturbation, be mindful when the urge to use them comes up. What are you feeling? What other things need to be taken care of? Then either use a healthy step 1 skill like exercise, or deal with the problem directly. The easiest way to keep masturbation healthy is to check in with yourself when you want to do it, and only follow through if it's an appropriate time, and that want is coming from a genuine sexual desire. ​

Don’t wait any longer to get the couples counseling or sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns in your relationship and deal with out of control sexual behavior in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:

1. Get in touch with the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide relationship tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

Whether you are partnered or single – this sex toy is for anyone with a vulva. ​

Okay, before we get to the good stuff I want to give my plug on masturbation. Self-love, solo sex, masturbation – whatever you want to call it – is good for you. I want to make sure you female identified folks out there who might be weighed down by our patriarchal society hear me. ​

You might be thinking, what the heck is a clitoral suction vibrator? Instead of the traditional vibration on your clitoris, this creates a suction motion when you place the toy directly on the clitoris. This is a completely different sensation than using a traditional vibrator. You can buy these toys as solely having the suction part, or you can buy them as the 2 in 1 previously mentioned where it has a suction and dildo/vibrator component. If you’ve never heard of this before, here are some photos of what these things look like. It can be kind of hard to imagine before seeing them! ​

Okay, first if you want to read some of the funniest, most descriptive reviews of your life you need to go read the amazon reviews here for this version of the 2 in 1 clitoral suction vibrator. Woman are literally praising this as their best purchase ever and are going to give you a pretty detailed description of their experience. The more recent reviews discuss how this toy was helpful to cure the boredom, loneliness, and monotony of quarantine.
With permission from some of my lovely friends who have tried this device I am going to give you some of their comments here:

• “I usually don’t orgasm easily from sex toys. This was like a full out of body experience”.
  
• “It definitely took a while for me. At first I was like, oh, man, this shit isn’t going to work. And then suddenly I was like omfg what is that?! I can see my fucking soul leaving my body”.
  
• “Make sure to move the positioning around. The first time I used it, it was fine. The second time I was like oh hot damn and realized that it came down to perfect positioning”.

I don’t think enough people describe actually how to use sex toys to maximize their effectiveness so here’s some helpful tips from the sex therapist on using clitoral suction toys. These are not going to be all the tricks in the book (please comment if you have your own – we N E E D your wisdom!).

• Before using it for the first time, get yourself in the mood a bit. Take a bath, meditate, watch something erotic, sext with your partner – whatever does it for you.
• Start with the lowest setting. Move up slowly when it feels right.
• Positioning is key. Play around with what feels good to you
• Play around with how long you hold the suction at one time. Take it off and on.
• When you hold the suction on your clitoris you may want a strong hold or a light hold –experiment with this as well
• The clitoris has internal structures as well – which means holding this thing just below, above, or around your clitoris might feel great as well!
• Decide if you want to use one that has a penetration component. Some people like this, some don’t.
• You may want to use this toy in conjunction with other types of stimulation: other toys, your hands, your partners hands/mouth, etc
• Try it with your partner – teach them how to use it!

You deserve the best sex therapy in Minnesota. Our skilled sex therapists want to help you address personal sexual concerns. In our Plymouth, MN therapy clinic, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota, we can serve you. You can begin t0 feel more physically and emotionally connected to your body, with these simple steps:

1. Get in touch with the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Feel more confident and connected to your body, by starting with your mind.

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

As a sex therapist I work with all kinds of sexual concerns. However, the one thing that I see cause more problems than anything else, is the idea that sex is a performance. I see performance anxiety listed as a reason for referral constantly, and it can mean many different symptoms are present. Sometimes it's listed as a cause for erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Sometimes it's getting in the way of one or both partners reaching orgasm. Performance anxiety can turn into fear, hurt, and shame, and sexual avoidance. So what do we do? The first step in understanding how to move out of this mindset is understanding where it comes from.

The sexual education in our country is often beyond inadequate. I've heard horror stories about the things young men and women are taught about sex. So without a formal education we turn to word of mouth, movies/tv, and porn. Not surprisingly, actors giving performances aren't exactly helping us learn that sex isn't a performance. In fact they're teaching us the exact opposite of what we want to be doing. I've seen this lead to situations where both partners are acting out and performing what they think their partner wants, while one or both of them are actually miserable.
Another place I see this mentality come from quite often is men wanting to prove themselves. For centuries the dominant male culture has viewed the female orgasm as a myth, or completely disregarded women's pleasure when it comes to intimacy. The idea of women enjoying sex and even being able to have stronger orgasms than men is relatively new in this country. I see many young men so eager to prove that they can please their partner that they forget sex is supposed to be pleasurable for them too.
For women, our culture has taught women it is their job to please their man in bed. They aren’t taught to look for ways to increase their own pleasure. So now everyone is performing and no one is enjoying. This has consequences.

So what are the consequences of the sex is a performance mentality? For both women and men the first cost is the loss of your own pleasure. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable! When your whole focus is on performing you lose access to your own enjoyment. This can lead to women losing lubrication and men losing their erections, or ejaculating prematurely. This happens because we are what we call “spectatoring”. Spectatoring is when you are watching yourself from a third party perspective having sex along with feeling self-conscious and self-critical. When you are focused on performance or “spectatoring” your thought process might sound something like:

• “I hope she’s impressed with my sexual skills”
• “I hope I don’t ejaculate too quickly and embarrass myself”
• “Is she enjoying this? What should I do next to impress her?”
• “I think I might be losing my erection, I need to focus really hard to get it back”

None of these things lead to pleasure, connection, and quality sex. They only lead to increase anxiety, shame, and fear.

With everyone stuck at home together due to the COVID 19 quarantine, there's never been a better time to focus on enriching your sex life, but how do we do it? This may sound counter-intuitive but the secret to great sex is to learn to focus on your own pleasure. When I suggest to a client in therapy to focus on their pleasure I often get a dubious response. It’s hard to imagine that focusing on your body and your sensations will decrease any performance issues you may be having. This isn't saying be selfish, it's saying focus on your own experiences and feelings. For all of us to stay turned on and ready for pleasure and connection we need to be focusing on ourselves.

To focus on your own pleasure, consider the following questions.

• What does it feel like when your partner touches you?
• What are seeing that's turning you on?
• What body sensations are you experiencing both in your genitals and throughout your body? Is your body feeling particularly warm? Is your heart racing?
• Would it feel better to go slower or faster?
• How connected am I feeling to my partner right now? How do I know?

This concept is certainly simple but implementing it can be tricky. We are often working against decades of conditioning and learning bad skills. This is where a therapist can be very helpful. What's holding you back?

At Sexual Wellness Institute, we specialize in sex therapy and are happy and comfortable helping you work through these vulnerable and difficult spaces. We have specific techniques and skills that can help you start to change this mentality quick, and start enjoying sex to the fullest. We even offer free 30 minute consultations to see if sex therapy is right for you. We offer HIPAA compliant Telehealth services so you can get started over video right away and transition into seeing us in person, or just see us online and avoid the commute! You can see us from anywhere in the state! Take the fear and anxiety out of your sex life, and take back your intimacy.

Don’t wait any longer to get the couples counseling or sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns in your relationship and connect with your partner in new ways. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:

1. Get in touch with the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy . We also provide relationship tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

While everyone is stuck at home together, many people might be thinking that it “should” be the perfect time to increase the quality of intimacy with their partner. Unfortunately, being cooped up in the same place as your partner probably isn’t leaving you feeling particularly amorous. Read on for tips from Minnesota sex therapist to keep intimacy alive and well during an “unsexy” time. 
In her appropriately named book "Mating in Captivity", sex researcher Esther Perel tells us that the two times we are most attracted to our partners are: One, when they're gone, and two, when we see them in their element, following their passions. Being locked in a house together makes both of these things more than a little challenging. It may be hard, or impossible, to get space from each other during quarantine. There's also probably a lot more sitting on the couch happening than displays of passion. On top of that, we're in the middle of a global pandemic, and there's so much tension and stress in the air that we're often pulling it into our relationships without realizing it. With so many things against us how do we maintain, or even improve our intimate lives with our partners during this shelter in place order? Here are a few ways to keep that fire burning – or at least not go out completely!

Whether you have a studio apartment with six hundred square feet, or a home with six thousand, it can feel like you're trapped at home with your partner. If you have kids it's evening more challenging to find space, not just from each other, but to be together as well. To make matters worse, many couples end up thinking that if they're both around, they need to be doing something together. This might be ok during a normal work week, where you're only home together for an hour or two before bed each night. Now however, many of us are home together all the time.
​So first let me say this, it's ok to do things apart when you're home together! Not only apart, but in different rooms if possible. Much of desire is about anticipation. We need time to miss our partners for that longing to build and grow into action. If you're with your partner all day, that desire meter isn't moving. Take some time away to do your own thing and then reconnect in an intentional way. This might look like this: you get done with work for the day and tell your spouse you’re going to hop on the treadmill for a little while and then ask them intentionally something like “I’ve been missing alone time with you lately. Can we have a date for dinner tonight away from the kids? If you get them fed I can take care of everything else – meet me in the basement at 7:00 PM and I’ll have everything ready”. See how that is different than just showing up for dinner as usual? You’re being intentional about showing love to your partner and with a plan of action to be together.

When I mentioned that seeing our partner's passion is a big turn on, I didn't mean their passion for us. Feeling passion from our partner is fantastic in the moment, but it's not always the best for building the anticipation and desire I mentioned earlier. What I mean by passion is drive, that spark of fire and joy that pushes your partner to pursue their career, create works of art, or build meaningful relationships with friends and family. Seeing this, our partner in action, is what really stokes our fires.
The challenge here is that we've all been wearing the same sweatpants for a month and the couch has a permanent imprint of our body. Not exactly fiery passion. So what do we do? Working from home offers a great opportunity to see your partner excelling at their job. This is harder for some than others. Feeling great about a video meeting you just had? Step out for a minute afterwards and share with your partner that you feel excited about how well you performed. If work isn't your drive, set up a craft night where you and your partner can be creative together. Or plan a virtual happy hour where you can see your partner interact with their friends and be the life of the party. Find your passions, and find a way for your partner to see you living them.

Our culture likes to talk about turn-ons. What makes you excited? How can I get you in the mood? There are quizzes with hundreds of questions to find out what you're into. However, we often forget the other half of the equation. Dr. Emily Nagoski, another famous sex therapist and researcher, states that if our sexuality is a drive and has turn ons or "Accelerators" it must also have "Brakes." While partners often talk about how to turn each other on, we rarely talk about what turns us off. You know what a huge break is? A global pandemic. On top of all of the other brakes and stressors we're already dealing with, this pandemic is taking stress to the next level, which isn't exactly helping our sex lives.
If that's not enough, many of our coping skills have been taken away by the pandemic as well. Gyms are closed, you can't go out with friends, vacations have been cancelled, and it's starting to sound like summer is cancelled. Finding ways to relieve this stress is of paramount importance to keeping your sex life alive. Whether that's improvising a workout you can do at home, going for a walk, or finally picking up that book you've been meaning to read. Relieving stress eases off the brakes so that your sex drive can accelerate.

A quarantine is certainly not the sexiest thing in the world, but with a little proactive effort you can make this time a little bit more pleasurable. If you are finding this harder to do on your own, we offer online therapy for couples looking to enhance, change, or grow their sexual intimacy. Skeptical? That's okay! We even wrote a blog post last month to talk about what online couples therapy can look like.

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling. We also provide relationship tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Things can get better, and counseling can be part of that process.

Can Mindfulness Make you Better in Bed?
 
In short, yes!  Let’s look at how.
 
First, let’s look at the differences between mindfulness and meditation.  Mindfulness and meditation are similar, but not exactly the same.  According to the Chopra Center “Mindfulness can be practiced informally (at any time/place) and formally (during seated meditation)”.  Read on to learn more.
 
Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.  You can practice mindfulness anywhere, anytime, with anyone, simply by showing up and being fully engaged in the present moment. 
 
Examples of mindfulness

• Being aware of your breath for 60 seconds. Breathe deeply and just notice it.
• Being aware of body sensations
• Being aware of your feelings in the moment
• Being aware of your 5 senses

 
Meditation is a type of mindfulness that typically refers to a formal, seated mental practice, such as calming your mind, expanding your awareness, opening your heart, and experiencing inner peace.   Seated meditation often begins with deep breathing and bringing your awareness to your breath, consciously guiding your mind toward an anchor or single point of focus.  If you are new to meditation we recommend using an app such as Calm or Headspace to help you get started.  We have yet to see anyone who doesn’t benefit from a daily meditation practice.   
 
Now, let’s look at five ways mindfulness and meditation can improve your sex life:
 
1) Mindfulness can increase sexual desire and enjoyment.
Many of us are stressed out from work, our relationships, money, and many other reasons. Stress increases cortisol and adrenaline levels, and increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline decrease sexual desire and overall enjoyment of sex.
 
Since mindfulness and meditation are incredibly powerful stress-reducing tools, it stands to reason mindfulness can increase sexual desire and enjoyment by reducing cortisol and adrenaline levels.
 
2) Mindfulness decreases stress, which may improve orgasms.
Increased cortisol levels can prevent orgasm and cause erectile dysfunction. Fortunately, mindfulness can make a big difference.
 
Research shows mindfulness can reduce the stress hormone cortisol.  When our stress drops, our senses perk up.  We can touch, taste, smell, hear, and feel more intensely.  According to Emily Fletcher, founder of Ziva Meditation, mindfulness helps train our brain to slow down and focus on the “sensations that push us over the edge”.
 
3) Meditation gives you deep rest, which may revitalize energy for sex. 
If you’ve ever heard, “Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired”, you’re not alone.  According to a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation, about one in every four married or cohabitating Americans claim they're so sleep-deprived they're often too tired to have sex.
 
Meditation boosts melatonin, the naturally occurring sleep-compound.  Extra melatonin leads to deeper, sounder sleep, which in turn, leads to waking up feeling refreshed, revitalized, and more energized for sex among other things.
 
4) Mindfulness makes you more present and less distracted.
How many to-do lists have you compiled in your brain during sex? Or maybe you’ve wondered how your body looks from your partner’s angle?  Or perhaps you’ve noticed you’re spending more time in your distracted mind than in your body during sex. 
 
Mindfulness reduces things that make sex more stressful such as anxiety, fear, and body shame, and helps us stay aware and present during sex.  Research indicates those who practice sexual mindfulness and avoid self-judgment during sex have an increased sense of sexual well-being, including increased relational satisfaction, sexual self-esteem, and sexual satisfaction.
 
5) Mindfulness helps you attune to your partner. 
Imagine applying mindfulness during sexual pleasure with a partner.  Rather than becoming distracted by your own gratification or focusing on a particular outcome, mindfulness creates shared awareness with your partner moment-to-moment.  International Sex & Tantra Educator, Monique Darling writes
 
“There is a place beyond what most people imagine.  A place of intimacy, connection and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams.  This place comes when we place mindfulness on our sexual interactions.  Take time to slow down, to feel into what your body wants, giving your partner time to feel into and ask for what they want.  The agendas drop away, and instead of a few minutes of orgasm, every touch, every breath, each interaction becomes orgasmic.”
 
Are you are interested in learning more about what mindfulness and meditation can do for your sex life contact us at 651-401-5010 or request a free consultation.
 
Diane Sparish, MA
Sex & Relationship Therapist
Marriage and Family Therapist
 
Additional Resources:
Brotto, L. , (2018). Better Sex Through Mindfulness:  How Women Can Cultivate Desire.  Vancouver:  Greystone Books.
 
Men’s Health.  Daily Expert:  This Mindfulness Technique Will Enhance Your Sex Life.  https://www.pulse.ng/lifestyle/mens-health/daily-expert-this-mindfulness-technique-will-enhance-your-sex-life/r539bjn