Breaking Down the Porn Addiction Craze

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT

In recent years we've begun to take small steps as a society in making it ok to discuss our sexuality and the challenges that it can present in our lives and relationships. One result of this change has been increased openness and conversation around porn use. Unfortunately, this has led to a lot of sensationalism and buzzwords being thrown around. Primarily, porn addiction. Today I want to really take a look at the idea of porn addiction. As part of this discussion, I'll also include how ideas around healthy personal sexuality show up in our relational sexual experience as well.

"Porn Addiction" Isn't Actually a Thing

To address the elephant in the room right away, let's talk about porn addiction. To put this as clearly as I can, porn addiction doesn't exist. This may cause some backlash or frustration for some but hear me out. Addiction is a very real and very serious concern. Addiction refers to a specific situation in which a thing is, in and of itself, addictive. Alcohol, Meth, nicotine, caffeine. These substances have legitimate chemical compounds that cause addictive feedback loops that can alter and control brain chemistry. No one is going to be retching on the floor going through porn withdrawals because they don't exist. Now, all this being said, porn use can certainly mimic some addictive behaviors, but there is one incredibly important difference when it comes to porn use. This difference is that porn is an incredibly effective maladaptive coping skill. When an individual is in pain, they seek any way to make that pain stop. They will lie, steal, cheat, and even cause harm to their lives and relationships to make that pain stop. Our primal drive to escape from pain is one of our most powerful and instinctive motivators. So, when someone discovers that porn can make that pain go away, even for a short time, they become compulsively driven to return to it. What they are "addicted" to is not being in pain, not the porn itself. All of these same things could be said of a shopping "addiction." For instance, somebody who is struggling with their mental health may find that buying new things gives them a brief high, where they can feel good. They may even drive themselves to financial ruin or cause major conflict in their relationships because they can't stop buying things. It's the only way they know how to make the pain stop.

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How Pain and Porn Relate, Really

So, what is this pain? One of the main problems with this issue is that men, who primarily struggle with compulsive porn use, are not raised or cultured to be very emotionally intelligent or articulate. Nine times out of ten when I work with men who are struggling with this issue, they begin by telling me they have no idea why it's happening. However, as we explore their history and emotions, they're able to identify internal negative feelings about themselves, unprocessed trauma, depression, etc. Without the ability to identify your own internal pain, it's almost impossible to identify why you are compulsively using porn, let alone articulate those complex feelings to a partner. The amazing thing about this distinction is that if we can work in therapy to resolve this internal pain and teach healthy coping skills, the compulsive nature of the porn use entirely goes away. This is so important. So many individuals and couples that I talk to about this are terrified that they will have to cope with porn addiction in their lives or marriages forever or are worried they will have to end a relationship because of it. By treating the underlying issues we can truly fix this problem, and that's a hopeful thought.

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Sex Communicates a LOT of Different Things

I want to take the time to note that these ideas are true of partnered sex as well. Sex communicates so many wonderful things: love, connection, value, desire, and so much more. And it should! Sex is a wonderful thing. However, these powerful messages can also serve as a powerful painkiller for internal pain. This can lead individuals to compulsively crave sex and pressure their partners for more intimacy as a way to feel loved, good, enough wanted, etc. As I said, sex should communicate all of these things, but if you don't already feel them internally then you end up relying on sex for them and that creates an unhealthy relationship with sex.

Concerned About a Porn "Addicted" Partner?

The biggest message I want to communicate with everything I've said here is this: If you're scared that you or your partner are addicted to porn/sex, help them explore why they're using. What does it do for them? What are they getting out of it? Seek a sex therapist who uses the compulsive sexual behavior model and not a sex addiction model. If you're just treating the porn use, you're just putting a band-aid on a much deeper problem. No matter how many skills for control you stack on top of this, if you don't heal the deeper wound, the reason why the compulsive behavior is happening in the first place, then nothing is going to change. You can overcome this issue, you just need the right help.

Consider Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.

Sex and sexuality can be an incredible part of our lives as individuals or as partners. So many people have that joy taken from them, whether that's through sexual trauma, negligent education, cultural shame, or any number of reasons. You deserve to have sexuality be a bright spot of happiness in your life, not a place of fear or shame. We often say of sex therapy that when things are going well, sex is 10% of your life, it's important but so are other things. When sex is going wrong however, it becomes 90% and can feel like it's taking over your life. Let us help you take those first steps to taking your sex life back. If you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, we can help! 

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled online sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Finally feel more comfortable and confident about your sexual health, relationships, and pleasure.

Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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