BDSM: Why Should You Incorporate It? (Part 2)

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien

Why incorporate BDSM into your sex life? What is it?

As stated in the BDSM blog 1, BDSM has a wide range of definitions. It can encompass many things, including dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, bondage and discipline. There are many reasons to incorporate kink play into your sex life.

BDSM Reason 1: Novelty & Fun

Bringing in kink play can create a fun new atmosphere. If you feel like you’re in a rut sexually, adding in new things that are comfortable for all parties involved can be beneficial and re-instigate the passion. Novelty can often create some of the newness that was so fun at the beginning of your sexual relationship. BDSM lets people play a fictional role, which can be freeing and fun. Life can get pretty serious sometimes and acting out a scene or role play can help you get out of your everyday life and into the present moment with your partner and have some fun!

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BDSM Reason 2: Experimenting with different roles or power dynamics within the relationship

Using different methods of play can help you to see your partner in a different light. It’s easy in long term relationships for each partner to fall into perceived cemented roles. These roles can include mother, father, husband, wife, caretaker, etc. Getting out of these roles can be hard. Using BDSM or other kink play can make you switch roles into something that you aren’t usually in. If the regular caretaker role becomes the dominant, disciplining sex partner, it allows for roles to be interrupted. This could potentially lead to more flexibility in roles outside of the bedroom, in a way that that is beneficial for the relationship. Often times, partners can get stuck in rigid roles that can impair their ability to solve problems. Disrupting this role pattern creates new roles which then allows for new ways to look and solve problems.

BDSM Reason 3: Being Present

Let’s face it – sometimes it’s hard to let go of the stressors or responsibilities of the day and just be present with your partner sexually. BDSM can be very grounding for some because it gets them out of their brain and into the sensations of their body, or into the story of the scene happening.  If you are focused on the feeling of how your wrists feel being tied up or the sensory deprivation of wearing a blindfold you can easily get lost in those senses in a way that helps you get deeper into the experience with your partner.

BDSM Reason 4: Learn something new together

It bonds you together as a couple! No really-more than just literally, experiencing something new together aids in connection and intimacy in the relationship. Learning about BDSM as a couple and choosing to explore it together is an activity that is mutually enjoyable. Whether it’s shopping for new sex toys together, watching informational videos about BDSM, or simply reading about it, you’re spending time together, which is vital for relational health. Additionally, the communication that is needed when using BDSM is a great opportunity to practice setting boundaries and really hearing your partner. BDSM cannot be practiced without pre-rehearsed guidelines surrounding safety and boundaries. Being vulnerable and talking to your partner about what you want during sex makes for great practice on how to talk about your needs in general.

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But-how do you get into BDSM?

Getting into BDSM can be a big step, but how deeply you want to delve into the BDSM world depends on you. Discussing what you specifically want with your partner is absolutely key. Depending on what aspects you want to incorporate, here are several things that you can do.

Tie Me Up

Many couples unknowingly incorporate bondage into their sex script by holding their partners hands above their head or behind their back. You can also use ropes, handcuffs, spreading bars, collars, hooks, manacle, chains, tapes or satin ties can be used for bondage. There are multiple bondage toys as well. Bondage can take on many forms-you can be standing, suspended, sitting, or laying down. As far as actual tying positions to start out with, tying your partners wrists together can be fun and non-invasive. The restraints can be loose or tight, depending on comfort level. The wrists can be tied together or tied to something else. For example, you can tie your wrists together and then attach that restraint to a headboard or another object. If you’d like to get a little bit kinkier, tying your partner spread eagle on the bed can be a fun idea. Otherwise, there are multiple other ties, such as the hogtie, crab tie, or reverse shrimp tie, that can be found through this resource on bondage positions and methods.

Hurt Me, But in a Fun Way

Sadism and Masochism need to be thoroughly communicated before being indulged in. To enter into the world of Sadism and Masochism, individual needs and wants to communicate-particularly, the individual’s pain tolerance levels and what they’re willing to accept. Sadism and masochism can involve multiple things. Wax play, which is dripping wax on your partner, can be achieved through lighting a candle and then holding the candle gently over your partner. Then, let the wax drip onto them. This is a quick but painful sensation that can be sexually arousing. Ice play could be another thing to try. Rubbing ice on your partner can fulfill multiple sensations and can be associated with pain. There are also more painful procedures, such as using cloth pins. To use cloth pins, pinch them onto your partner’s skin. They can either stay pinched on the skin or be ripped off, which increases the pain intensity. Depending on where they are placed, the pain can be more subdued. It may take some trial and error to find what you’re comfortable with and what you want to tolerate. Spanking can also be a way to inflict pain. You can use a paddle, swatch, or hand for this.

Submit!

Finally, the branch of dominance and submission can be intertwined in bondage, discipline, and masochism/sadism. Dirty talking is a way to practice dominance and submission, such as telling your partner what to do. This can start off as explicit as you’d like. Other ways to practice dominance and submission include non-sexual things that lead to sex, such as demanding your partner serve you food, clean your shoes, or position themselves in a way that is appeasing to you. Telling your partner what to wear for you, how to do their hair, etc., can also be an expression of dominance and submission. Bondage can be a great aid in dominance, as it allows for physical domination over the other person.
There are so many ways to practice BDSM and kink. Do some research online and see what feels interesting to you. Happy exploring!

Curious About BDSM? Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN

Talking about these things for the first time can be hard. Consent and good communication is also an important part of BDSM and kink. But, be sure to check out part one of the BDSM series, if you haven't already. Then, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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