Is My Porn Use Problematic?

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT

Porn Addiction has become quite the buzzword in recent years. The recent pandemic certainly hasn't helped with this issue as many people faced isolation, increased levels of depression, and boredom. This caused some people to use pornography as a coping skill.  Some may even wonder if they have a sex or porn "addiction”.

A Note About Pornography Addiction vs. Compulsion

The sex therapy community as a whole generally doesn't recognize sex or pornography as an addiction. These behaviors can certainly be compulsive, but there are a few key differences between addiction and compulsion. The biggest is that compulsion has a core driving force that drives porn use, while addiction drives itself. This is an important distinction because if we work to heal whatever is driving the compulsive use we can stop it. The other thing I want to clarify is that pornography use is not inherently bad. I see pornography as a neutral concept, but how it's created and used determines whether it's good or bad in your life. One way pornography can become an unhealthy thing in your life is when it’s being used as a coping skill to escape negative feelings.

Fight or Flight

When we experience negative feelings there's an almost immediate reaction. A part of our brain called the amygdala constantly works to decide if things in the world around us are a threat. This is the fight or flight center of our brain, and unfortunately, it's not very smart. The amygdala can't tell the difference between hurtful words and real physical danger. It senses that we are afraid or hurt and it kicks into gear. One way many people end up using porn in an unhealthy way is by using it to "run away" from painful emotional states. Sexual pleasure and stimulation release a whole load of feel-good chemicals in the brain which can temporarily override negative emotions and provide an escape from the pain. The problem here is that it's only temporary. Once that "high" wears off the problem is still there for you to face. This is where porn use can truly become compulsive. It becomes a cycle of feeling good, and then as soon as the discomfort starts to set in again it's back to your painkiller. Just about anything can be the cause of this pain, from daily life struggles to deep personal trauma. Again, I'd like to point out the positive here that if you work to heal that internal pain and develop healthy coping skills you can overcome this unhealthy use of pornography.

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Finding Meaning: Porn As a Distraction

Pain isn't the only thing that makes us want to escape. A study published in the November 2022 journal of Personality and Individual Differences found that many people use porn as an escape from the meaninglessness that can arise from boredom. The study's author had previously found that boredom can convey a strong sense of meaninglessness in life. This meaninglessness is the exact kind of pain we're talking about when we look at the kind of existential pain people often try to escape from instead of resolving.  In this study, the researchers found a significant link between boredom and pornography use. They identified that indeed pornography use does create a distraction from that negative mental state, and this also leads to increased use. 

Pornography Use in Relationships

I've worked with a lot of couples where pornography use is causing problems in the relationship. One of the primary concerns I hear from partners is a worry that their partner isn't attracted to them or that they aren't enough. The good news is that odds are that this isn't the case. If you're worried about your own or your partner's pornography use, a good first question to ask is "Is the porn being used to escape negative emotions?" In the majority of couples I work with this tends to be the case, and means there's good work we can do to remove the compulsive nature of the use. Some people are opposed to pornography as an idea or feel it is a breach of trust in the relationship. This is just fine, everyone is entitled to set their own boundaries in the relationship. The problem I often see occur with these couples, however, is that they try to essentially quit "cold turkey" without actually resolving the reason why the porn is being used in the first place. So, whether you want to eliminate porn use entirely, or just be able to use it in a healthy way, the first step is to resolve the internal pain that's driving the unhealthy use. I would also note here that many people often try to use sex in the same way within their relationship- especially to cope with pain within the relationship. People often feel that if their partner will have sex with them then everything is ok.

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Moving Forward: Consider Talking With a Minnesota Sex Therapist

Porn use and masturbation are very vulnerable and private topics to talk about. Talking to a sex therapist can be a great way to get started. We're happy to talk about pornography use, identify how it's being used in a way you don't like, and help you find solutions. We can also help heal any harm pornography use may have caused within your relationship. I know these are difficult topics to talk about, but talking is the first step. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns and deal with addiction in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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References for This Article

Andrew B. Moynihan, Eric R. Igou, Wijnand A.P. van Tilburg,
Pornography consumption as an existential escape from boredom,
Personality and Individual Differences,
Volume 198,
2022,
111802,
ISSN 0191-8869 
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886922003075