How to Avoid Cheating in Your Relationship…Love is Blind Edition

As you know this season of Love is Blind was full of drama and things to discuss. I am going to only discuss one portion for the purposes of this blog – and that is Clay talking about how he is afraid of cheating on AD. He says it so many times it sounds like a threat more than a discussion. 
Infidelity is a choice…but Clay had good reason to be worried about cheating due to his family history of infidelity.
Clay had the right idea discussing his fears of cheating with AD, but he didn’t have the right follow-up or execution.

When Infidelity is Normalized

If you grow up seeing your parents or other role models doing certain things you are likely to emulate it. Even if you see these things and think you never want that to be you. Sometimes our unconscious gravitates toward the familiar even if that is not in our best interest.

How to “Cheat Proof” Your Relationship

Talk About it with Your Partner
Clay told AD that growing up he saw his dad and other male role models cheating. He said this led him to believe that this is what men did. I appreciate his honesty in telling her his fears about his own ability to stay faithful. But if sharing these fears with AD is the only thing he ever does to stay faithful he likely won’t be successful.

Seek Therapy & Understand Your Values
Clay should seek therapy and do a deep dive into what he witnessed and how it made him feel. 
He needs to intentionally sort out what he wants his own values to be in his marriage related to fidelity and make sure he is living by those each day. It is not sufficient to simply have the value to “not cheat”. What are the values that lead you to the conclusion that cheating is not something you want to be a part of your relationship?

Sample Values Related to Fidelity

• Therapy: if you’re worried that cheating is something you might look to when things are going badly in your relationship or personal life then committing to regular therapy is very important. This will help you learn to notice and deal with issues as they happen in healthy ways instead of turning to unhealthy behaviors.
• Transparency: Share feelings with your partner regularly. Share with your partner if you ever feel yourself thinking about cheating and why you think that’s happening.
• Integrity: Integrity is how you act when no one is looking. How do you want to act even when your partner isn’t around to “catch” you?
• Long-Term Relationships: If you are someone who values long-term relationships and/or marriage, fidelity is going to be important to maintaining those relationships.
• Self-Reflection: Maintaining a healthy relationship and staying faithful to your relationship agreement with your partner requires self-reflection. This means recognizing when you are unhappy, sad, or unfulfilled in the relationship and figuring out what your needs are related to that. 

Co-create and abide by a marriage agreement around fidelity

What do we each consider cheating? What do we consider inappropriate behavior that could lead to cheating? Some examples of things to discuss are listed below. Please note that just because a topic or behavior is on this list doesn’t automatically make it cheating or make someone likely to cheat. These are topics that everyone in a romantic/sexual relationship should discuss and come to an agreement on.

• Viewing pornography
• Talking to ex-partners
• Going on dating websites
• What exactly constitutes flirting and agreements around it
• Spending time with people who match the gender(s) of those you are attracted to
• Sharing intimate details about your relationship with others
• Viewing and liking sexual material on Instagram or other social media
• Strip clubs
• Fantasy
• Noticing and talking about attractive people - I’m looking at you, Jimmy
• Masturbation

Many people find themselves in a situation where a partner violated something on this list- except the list never existed in the first place. Many relationships have unspoken agreements that only one person has agreed to because they never discussed it with the other person. These can be scary topics for couples to discuss but are very important things to be on the same page with.

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Consider talking to a couples therapist or online therapist

So Clay…if you’re reading this…remember that just admitting you’re afraid to cheat isn’t enough. Start with this list and go from there. And that goes for anyone else who may be afraid of sabotaging relationships with infidelity. Set your relationship up for success!
Read about other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more. 

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
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