Porn and Masturbation Addiction in Quarantine

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson

There's nothing wrong with a little "self Love"

I want to state right away that when used ethically and responsibly pornography, can be a perfectly healthy and positive part of your solo sex life and can be a fun inclusion with a partner as well. Masturbation is fairly ubiquitous among men and the large majority of women as well. When used as a healthy way to meet sexual needs masturbation actually has a lot of benefits including better sleep, improved heart health, and even a reduced rate of prostate cancer in men. A study from Harvard Medical School showed that men who ejaculated 21 times or more a month had a whopping 33% reduced risk of prostate cancer. On top of the physical benefits, masturbation helps you learn about your own body. It allows us to learn what really feels good for us so that we can achieve even better orgasms. This also allows us to then communicate that information to our partners so we can have better partnered sexual experiences as well. How are you supposed to tell your partner what feels good for you if you've never explored it? Masturbation also helps us develop mindful awareness of sensation during sex which gives increased control over arousal, orgasm, and erection. It also feels pretty good.
So with all of this great stuff what's the problem? When used improperly, pornography and masturbation can cause some serious problems, and in quarantine, these are even harder to deal with.

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The Problem with Pornography

In modern culture porn has become very widespread and is very easily accessible. In fact, the average age of first porn viewing in the United States is just 11 years old. On top of this, our media is so riddled with sexual images that it's hard to avoid seeing them, even if you aren’t trying to.
At a base level this isn't so terrible. We learn what sex is in school starting around 5th grade and I certainly remembering watching "The Miracle of Birth" in health class as a middle schooler. Being exposed to sex isn't a bad thing. The first problem with porn is with how it portrays sex. The thing that many people forget is that porn is first and foremost, acting. This means that most things done are for the show or the shot, and not for the pleasure or comfort of the actors. This can lead to inexperienced people trying some pretty uncomfortable or even painful things. A lot of your run of the mill porn also doesn't treat women very well. When consumed en masse or without mindful awareness, this can lead men to start seeing women as nothing more than sex objects. It can also cause unrealistic expectations of what sexual intimacy entails. Some men are upset about being put in the "friend zone", and that might unaware the are similarly putting  women in their life in the "fuck zone" where they have no value outside of a potential sexual partner.
The two other biggest issues with pornography both come from what you're looking at. The first idea comes from what we'd call Visual Diet. What you're consuming has an impact on how you see things around you. A 50 year old man who watches a lot of porn with 22 year old supermodels might start having some problems getting an erection or enjoying sex with his 50 year old wife. The other idea here is escalation. Sometimes when porn is consumed very frequently or in large quantities it begins to take increasingly intense acts to achieve arousal and orgasm. If you've escalated arousal to need things your partner isn't willing to be a part of you've got yourself a problem.

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When 'Shucking your Corn' Turns Rotten

Masturbation with or without porn has a lot of benefits as stated above, it even helps reduce stress. Problems start to creep up when we're utilizing masturbation as largely a means of coping with stress instead of because we're having a sexual need. Orgasm can be a quick easy way to let off a little steam, get a rush of happy chemicals, and look at some stimulating pictures. If you're not paying attention, this can create a dopamine loop that keeps you coming back for another quick fix. I see coping with problems as having 3 steps. 1) Pause the problem until it's an appropriate time to deal with it. 2) Deal with the problem. 3) Rest and recover. Masturbation can help with step 3 but if you're using it to keep yourself stuck at step 1 you're on a slippery slope. Masturbation makes you feel good, so you do it when you feel bad, rinse and repeat. Except we're never getting to step 2 and solving the problem, so the problem grows, so you need to masturbate more, ad infinitum. So now what?

Ménage à moi

As we said above, the issue here isn't porn or masturbation, but how and why we're using them. To keep porn use healthy, be mindful of what you're watching and how it portrays the people involved. There's a ton of ethically produced porn out there. The biggest issue usually comes up when we're using these things as a way to avoid dealing with a problem like feeling down, being bored, or being frustrated. If you feel like you have a problem with porn use or masturbation, be mindful when the urge to use them comes up. What are you feeling? What other things need to be taken care of? Then either use a healthy step 1 skill like exercise, or deal with the problem directly. The easiest way to keep masturbation healthy is to check in with yourself when you want to do it, and only follow through if it's an appropriate time, and that want is coming from a genuine sexual desire. ​

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COVID and Quarantine: Dealing with out of control sexual behavior in Minnesota

If you haven't noticed, we're a bit trapped at home right now. Whether this is relevant to you now, or you're reading this in the future (where I really hope we can go outside again), it's important to know that we've all lost a lot of coping skills. We can't go to the gym, hang out with friends, or go to happy hour. We've lost countless ways to let out some frustration, deal with our problems, and make ourselves feel better. Whether this comes from you being quarantined now, or being sick in the future, or moving to a new city, any time we lose access to our coping skills it can be hard not to run back to masturbation as that easy way to feel better for a little while. In quarantine you're already at home, and you don't even have to have pants on to go to work. Everything is primed to make masturbation turn into something you don't want it to be. In these situations you need to find new coping skills. Find new ways to work out, to see or make new friends, to let off some steam. Now go out there and have some fun, responsibly.

Ready to Start Sex Therapy or Porn Addiction Therapy in Minnesota?

Don’t wait any longer to get the couples counseling or sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns in your relationship and deal with out of control sexual behavior in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:

1. Get in touch with the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide relationship tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.