The Back Door is Open!

​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, James Chadwick, MSW LICSW

Admit it: if you haven’t had anal sex, you’ve thought about it. Maybe it excites you. Maybe it grosses you out. Maybe both. And that’s totally okay! The reality is that it is something that people of all sorts of genders and sexual orientations routinely enjoy, either with partners or solo.
But, anal sex doesn’t just "happen"! If you’re basing butt stuff off of porn you’re bound to be sorely (literally!) disappointed. Fret not! With a few basic logistical and psychological pointers you’ll be an anal sex champ in no time!

The Prep for Anal Sex: So Fresh and So Clean!

First, you need to get ready. There are physical and psychological components to this. If you’re new(er) to it, you may need to embrace the fact that you’re interacting with an origin of waste. There’s really not a delicate way to put this: shit happens, and it’s not the end of the world, or shouldn’t be. And, there are plenty of tried and tested methods for enhancing cleanliness and hygiene. Let’s get started!
As my friend Frankie Goes to Hollywood says, relax! The sphincter is comprised of two core ring-like muscles, one that is more voluntarily controlled than the other. There are several ways to go about “warming these muscles up;” I would recommend a warm shower or bath at the very least. Some people insist on anal douching prior to anal play and truly, the more preoccupied you are with a mess, the more appealing this option likely is.
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Here are a few basics about anal douching and cleaning prior to anal sex:
There are many ways to douche, each with its own pros and cons. Some people are most comfortable with a small “bulb” (typically of a material like latex, plastic, or silicone) that fills with water and can be inserted rectally. One of the benefits of bulbs is their versatility and portability. You’ll likely want warm water, neither too hot nor too cold. Once you’ve filled the bulb with warm water, insert it and squeeze the base to shoot the water out. It’s usually best to apply a medium amount of pressure here when squeezing; you don’t want to shoot too hard or you may make more of a mess than intended. Squeeze your sphincter for a few (maybe 5-10) seconds to hold the water in, then release. Repeat this process as needed or ideally until the water runs clear.  
If a bulb isn’t your jam, there are hose adaptations to connect to either your shower or your toilet. I would personally go with a toilet adaptation or some form of bidet. Yes, they’re a little more costly than a bulb but in my opinion “do a better job” and are more bang for your buck. Basically, the same cleaning process applies as with a bulb; again, be careful not to shoot the water too hard or too far. For an added measure of confidence, some folks will insert a dildo or vibrator after they have douched just to ensure that they have fully cleaned out.

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Deeper Dives

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way I’m sure you’re itching to get started! Seriously, this is when things get fun. That said, you might be tempted to take on a large dildo or penis right off the bat. I would advise working up to this over time. As stated earlier, these are muscles like any other and it’s vital to train them. Many sex stores/retailers sell a series of “graduated” butt plugs that are excellent for the purpose of training yourself. (A butt plug is sort of like a small dildo). Always look for toys/insertables with flared bases - you don’t want to lose anything up there, and it does happen! Some folks also enjoy inserting fingers and some enjoy analingus or “rimming” (orally stimulating the anus). Clean up, communicate, try to address any (understandable) hangups you might have about this area of the body, and go to town! 

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Wrapping Up

So, now that you’ve jumped through these seemingly endless hoops, you’re ready at last! As I said before, anyone can enjoy anal activity. Some mistakenly believe it to be the sole purview of gay men, or that doing it as a male will somehow “turn you gay.” This is an unfortunate distortion that I strive to rectify. I will say that if you are having anal sex that involves a penis, it is wise to use a condom, particularly in a casual setting, to reduce the risk of STI transmission. Many folks that engage in anal sex, especially receptive anal sex, take the medication PReP (Truvada or Descovy) to reduce the risk of HIV transmission. While this is a fantastic preventative measure, it does not account for other sexually transmitted infections. Though DoxyPeP (antibiotics like doxycycline) is increasingly being used as a prophylactic against other STIs (e.g. gonorrhea and chlamydia), it’s always a good idea to communicate safer sex practices and needs to partners, especially new ones. 
Use lots of lube (silicone-based can be enjoyable but can stain sheets and erode silicone toys so you may want to opt for water-based) and have fun! For further reading (more from a gay male perspective) check out “How to Bottom Like a Porn Star” by Woody Miller or for a more light-hearted approach to pegging (the practice of anal sex via a strap-on dildo), check out the pegging episode (“Knockoffs”) of the Comedy Central hit “Broad City” (streaming on Hulu as well).

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Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN

Listen to your body above all else. If you’re new to all this, you might experience some (manageable) discomfort. If pain is more acute, it may be an indication to slow down and prepare a bit more. As with so many things sexual, an open and relaxed mind is your key to fulfillment. So disinhibit a little (within reason) and enjoy yourself! If you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about your values around anal sex. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Learn more about yourself, and your partner(s), to have a more fulfilling (and fun) sex life.

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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