Exploring Your Queerness With a Straight Partner: Tips from a Minnesota Couples Therapist

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist

    There is a myth out there I want to bust - that you cannot honor and explore your queerness when in a committed, long-term relationship with a straight partner. This commonly believed myth perpetuates so much stigma and imposter syndrome within queer individuals who are with a straight partner or in a “straight passing” relationship. It can lead people to feeling like they don’t truly fit in anywhere, not with the LGBTQIA+ community but also not in the heterosexual space. I want to shatter this narrative. In this blog post I will dive into ways you can honor your queerness when with a straight partner, and spoiler alert, the answer is not just to have queer sex outside of the relationship. 

First Up - Shift Your Narrative Around Relationships and Queerness

    If you are feeling a sense of imposter syndrome with your queer identity because you are with a straight partner, or in a straight-passing relationship, it’s important to first define what being queer means to you. You may be facing quite a bit of homophobia or invalidation from others - people telling you it was “just a phase”, or accusations of lying about your identity or that you’re just looking for attention. These false narratives and microaggressions can be extremely difficult to break free from. They limit what being queer looks like to a very narrow window of acceptability, claiming you have to be with a certain person or look a certain way to “fit in.” However, the truth is that YOU get to define what being queer means for you. Your partner or how you look does not define your sexuality or gender identity. YOU DO. As much as I wish I didn’t have to write that, it’s common for people to need this reminder, because of our societal expectations. Below I will share some ways you can honor and express your queerness, but you are free to do whatever feels right for you, and be creative! 

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Creatively Express Your Queerness

Think about how you can express your queerness creatively. Try out any medium that feels right for you - painting, music, writing, talking - and express your definition of queerness.

Find Your (LGBTQ+) Community

The next recommendation I have is to find your community. Get involved in your local LGBTQIA+ community by attending events, volunteering, reading books by queer authors, listening to queer musicians, attending queer art shows, following queer people on social media, or anything else that helps connect you with other members of the community. Some other resources that may be helpful to get you started: 

• TrevorSpace: “TrevorSpace is an affirming, online social community for LGBTQ young people between the ages of 13-24 years old. With over 400,000 members across the globe, you can explore your identity, get advice, find support groups, and make friends in a moderated online safe space intentionally designed for you.”
• PFLAG: “PFLAG’s network of hundreds of chapters and more than 325,000 members and supporters are helping create an equitable and inclusive world where every LGBTQ+ person is safe, celebrated, empowered, and loved.” You can find a local PFLAG chapter for meetings and events, and they also have online meetings and virtual communities to participate in.
• Everywhere Is Queer: “Everywhere Is Queer is a public resource (and ever-growing searchable map!) created for the LGBTQIA2S+ and ally community to find welcoming, queer-owned spaces to shop, connect, eat, learn, and grow all over the world… even in your own neighborhood!”

This is absolutely by no means an exhaustive list. There are many spaces out there meant to build queer community…just explore and find what feels good for you. Read our blog for more LGBTQ+ friendly resources.

Open Up to Your Partner

When you feel like you’re ready, it may be helpful to open up to your partner(s) about your identity, what it means to you, how they can best support you, and what this may look like within your relationship. Keeping your feelings and identity bottled up inside can contribute to the false narrative that your queerness is scandalous or something that should be hidden. When beginning this conversation with your partner(s), it’s important to pick a time when you both feel calm, centered, and have plenty of time to talk. It may also be beneficial to remind your partner(s) that this part of your identity is not a reflection of the relationship, but rather a part of you that you would like to explore more. Once you have shared, give your partner(s) space to share their thoughts and feelings. If you are struggling with this conversation, meeting with a couple or relationship therapist can be really helpful. When looking for a therapist, be sure to find a therapist who is LGBTQIA+ affirming to help you and your partner(s) navigate this. 

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Exploring Your Queerness Physically

If you are interested in exploring your queer identity physically, there are many ways to do that both in and outside of your current relationship. A great place to start can be through solo sex or masturbation. Try incorporating ethical queer porn or erotica into your masturbation routine. Honor any sexual fantasies that come up and lean into them however, makes sense for you. You could also incorporate ethical queer porn or erotica into partnered sexual activity if your partner(s) is on board. If you want sexual experiences with people of different genders than your partner(s), that is okay! Opening your relationship and exploring ethical non-monogamy is an option, but takes careful planning and consideration. Meeting with a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy can be a great place to have these conversations with your partner and figure out the logistics of how it would work for your relationship. 

Consider Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling with an LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapist in Plymouth, MN

In closing, remember that your queerness is all your own, and is never defined by anyone else. Also, in case you are wondering, YOU ARE QUEER ENOUGH, and you belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. Give yourself plenty of grace along this journey and reach out for help when you need it. A strong support system is crucial. Happy exploring! For more support and the marriage counseling or couples therapy you deserve, our sex therapists are ready to help. In fact, our relationship therapists can help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Feel more comfortable and confident in your identity, and your relationship(s).

Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in Minnesota

Our therapists want to support people from all walks of life and all stages of relationships. In addition to couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Happy reading!

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