Is Porn Causing Problems With Your Erection?

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT

I consistently find myself asked by clients if their pornography use is a problem. Or, they show up to my office already having decided that it is. The real answer here is it depends, and it's up to you. Now that doesn't sound very helpful, so let's look at a number of ways pornography does cause problems. We'll also look at times when the problem isn't porn, and give you a few tips for other things to work on instead, in addition to, cutting out porn. The bottom line is that if you want to cut out porn use because you don't like it, that's all the reason you need. The other side is, if you want to keep porn in your sex life but are worried it's causing problems, there might be other things to take a look at before cutting it out. Let's take a look at problems first.

Unhealthy Pornography Use

There are a couple concerns with pornography that tend to make up most cases. The first is compulsive use. Compulsive sexual behavior is often caused by a need to cover up some current or past hurt. When someone is feeling bad, looking at pornography causes some of our most core body systems to release feel good chemicals in our brain. The problem here is that people often just keep taking another hit of the porn to cover up their pain instead of actually resolving their problems. So the first question in the "is my porn use a problem?" series is, are you using the positive feelings from porn to cover up less than pleasant feelings? 

The next primary issue I see with porn use is when people lose touch with the separation between the fantasy that is pornography, and the reality of sex. This can lead to all sorts of problems, from trying to do sexual acts or positions that are just not comfortable for anyone, to feeling bad about the way you or your partners bodies look. If you're expecting your sex life to look like porn then there might be a problem for you. This problem, however, doesn't mean you need to cut out porn. It means you need to get in touch with what separates porn from real sex. 

The last major issue I get asked about when it comes to pornography is overstimulation. This one is tricky because it's easy for other problems to hide under the guise of excessive porn use. If the other above mentioned issues are the main problem then it makes most sense to focus on those. If you’re only problem is using porn more than you are being intimate with a partner and you think it’s causing desensitization – you could be right. In this case, just take a break from pornography for a bit to see how it goes.

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It's Not You: It's Me

Probably the most common reason people, men in particular, come to me with concerns about their porn use, is because they're afraid it's impacting their ability to perform with their partner. It means they're afraid it's impacting their ability to get an erection without porn. However, the vast majority of the time it's not the porn that's the problem, it's your own head. The inability to get an erection, or the loss of one, can be an absolutely terrifying experience for many men. They worry about impotence, their partner being angry, their partner being hurt, what if it happens again? These thoughts can absolutely overwhelm many men, and it leads them to look for whatever culprit they can find to fix the problem. The blame often lands on porn and they tell themselves, “maybe if I cut out porn I'll be able to become erect for my partner again.” The problem here is that this is focusing on the wrong problem

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The Whole Package...Well, Picture

When we think about how to get an erection, most people just think about "turn ons", what sexy thing do we need to do to create an erection. The problem is that this is a limited approach, it doesn't take into account turn offs." 

The real "equation for erection" is this:

Turn ons - Turn offs = erection/no erection. We need a positive result from this equation to achieve erection. Many men think that by cutting out porn they can build up some sexual charge so that when it comes time for sex that charge blasts through the turn offs they're not thinking about. The problem with this is that turn offs are always stronger. Some hyperbole can help this make sense. If you put a man in a room containing his ultimate sexual fantasy, but also tell him his parents are watching, nothing is going to happen. Even the ultimate fantasy is completely blocked by turn offs. So instead of cutting out porn to give a small temporary boost to turn ons, focus on the real issue of the turn offs that are causing the problem with erection.

Fear of Not Getting An Erection

For many men, this turn off is easy to identify. It is the absolutely overwhelming fear that you won't be able to get an erection the next time you have sex, masturbate, or ever. This fear creates a massive wall of turn off that can feel insurmountable. The good thing is through some work to reframe how we see and approach sex, we can completely remove that fear, remove the turn off, empower you to feel safe with your own body, and feel confident in your ability to enjoy sex with yourself or anyone else.

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Porn, Sex, Erections and Understanding Yourself First

So, let's wrap this all up. If you don't want to use porn because you think it's wrong, unethical, or anything else, you have every right to cut it out. You don't even need a reason. However, if you enjoy porn but are worried it's causing problems for you, there are a number of things to be aware of. Don't use porn as a coping skill for covering up hurt, don't forget that pornography is a business selling fantasy, don't use porn as a guide for what real sex is like, and don't expect yourself or your partner to look like porn professionals. Most of all, don't let porn cover up bigger underlying issues that won't be resolved just by cutting out porn. Talking to a professional can be a great way to find out more clearly if porn is causing problems for you. We offer free 30 minute consultations if you want to dive further into these concerns than I've discussed in this blog. Take care of yourself and enjoy responsibly.

Curious About Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.