BDSM Part 3: Let’s Talk!

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien

The BDSM community requires constant communication with your partner. This extends outside of the regular daily communication that couples should have. Communication about BDSM needs to be explicit and well thought out. Some couples have contracts that they abide by. In these contractions, certain expectations, rules, and activities are laid out for all parties involved. The contracts stipulate people’s comfortability with engaging in particular acts, what they’re willing to do and not do, and their limits. While contracts are more utilized in the BDSM community with folks who aren’t in romantic relationships, they can still be helpful as a blueprint for communication with your partner for what you’re comfortable with.

Communication is always key for couples

Communication while participating in BDSM ensures that both party’s needs are met. Sex can be a very challenging topic to discuss. Adding on kink to your sex life adds another layer of complexity, especially when some people don’t know their limits. Being able to explicitly talk about what you are comfortable with makes sure that the sexual activity being engaged in is consensual and fun. There are ways to go about communicating with your partner. Usually, the most effective communication about sex occurs when emotions are well regulated. Starting out the conversation by discussing what you want to talk about is crucial too. For example, if you’re out to dinner for a date night, you don’t want to randomly bring up your rules for BDSM play, unless you’ve establish your partner is comfortable talking about it in that context. Ask you partner when they are okay with talking about kink play and how they would like to approach the conversation. Reading your partner is important too-if you partner is incredibly stressed out about something else in the relationship, don’t force communication about rules during kink play.

Ideas for discussion:

So, what exactly do you discuss before indulging in kink play? There are several considerations. Here is a list of helpful starting questions for beginners:
-Who plays what role (IE Dom, Sub, or Switch)
-How they play it (What does it look like to you if you were to be in that role?)
-When they play it (Is this a spontaneous thing, is it planned, is it every time you have sex, etc.)
-Who will be involved (Extra partners, people who watch, etc.)
-What things will be involved (Particular toys, restraints, lingerie,)
-How long do we want things to last (Until orgasm, until safe word, etc.)
-What are our explicit limits (No nipple clamps, no electric wands, no anal play)
-What are our goals (To create emotionally intimacy, to release sexual tension, to spice things up)
-What are our soft limits (things you are willing to explore but still are unsure of)
-What we want individually (to be tied up, to have anal play, vibrators, etc. )
-Birth control methods if wanted
-Clothing worn, if any

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Last but certainly not least: Consent

Consent is something that is needed in every sexual situation, whether you have been together for 30+ years or 2 weeks. Consent looks different to everyone and can be different at different times, so make sure to talk to your partner PRIOR to any sexual activity about what they’re okay with. Consent doesn’t have to be awkward either. You can use it as an opportunity to navigate challenging and stigmatized conversations which will ultimately increase your bond and intimacy. Consent during sexual activity can be sexy too-think dirty talk.

Safe words

Consent with kink requires additional components of communication, such as the list mentioned above. In additional to verbal consent, setting up limits with safe words is crucial in the kink community. Safe words are words used that signal to the other person that a hard limit has been met and the activity must stop. They provide a way to let your partner know that you are not okay with what is going on. Safe words must be talked about prior to the sexual activity so your partner is aware of what they are and how to handle them. Some couples are okay with saying a safe word and having the partner stop that specific act, but continue on with other sexual acts without verbal communication or checking in. Other partners use safe words and want the partner to hinder all sexual activity.

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Remember: Have FUN!

Remember that communication is a necessary part of engaging in kink, but it’s also part of the fun! Many couples really enjoy discussing their wants, needs, desires, kinks, fantasies, etc. You can learn so much more about your partner and become connected in a new way. Enjoy!

Ready to Talk About BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN

I hope this has helped you get more information on how to use BDSM, help you consider how to try BDSM or incorporate other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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