BDSM: What It Is, And What It Isn’t (Part 1)

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien

BDSM is an often stigmatized and misperceived form of sexuality.

Mainstream culture and media frequently portray it as a maladaptive coping skill for trauma or those who are very mentally ill. Older versions of psychology have heavily pathologized those who live in the BDSM realm. Although there are exceptions, BDSM has actually been shown be a healthy component of sexuality in recent years. Studies have discovered that those who participate in BDSM are happier, healthier, and can cope better with stress than their counterparts who do not. Thus, BDSM is not a disorder. It’s a normal expression of sexuality. All participants of BDSM are consensual and not forced into doing things they do not want to do.

Chains and whips excite me…

BDSM itself can take on multiple forms, and the acronym stands for Bondage & Discipline (BD), Dominance & Submission (D/S), and Sadism and Masochism (S/M). The term BDSM is mostly utilized as an umbrella term to describe a form of sexuality activity that includes some kind of dominance and submission, although that can look like various things. 

So, what exactly are these forms of BDSM and what do they mean?

Bondage is basically what it sounds like. It’s a kink that involves using some kind of restraints, either ropes, handcuffs, ribbons, or other ties to restrain a person (or people). In this form of BDSM, Bondage is usually coupled with a power dynamic. The person who is restrained would traditionally be seen as being submissive and the person who tied them up would be seen as dominant. Bondage can be incorporated with other elements of BDSM as well, such as sadism or masochism. In this form, the person tied up would be inflicted with pain of some sort, with the goal of enhancing sexual pleasure. It is important to note that there is usually a safe word involved, so that if the pain becomes too much, the sub states their safe word and the activity stops.

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Sadism and Masochism? Say what now??

Sadism and Masochism are forms of expression, both sexual and nonsexual. They can be two elements of kinks in BDSM.  They refer to acts of receiving or giving pain that results in gratification. While Sadism and Masochism disorder do exist in the DSM, they are only pathologies when they are causing impairment or distress. There is an important distinction to be made when differentiating pain and distress. Pain CAN cause distress, but doesn’t always. Some people find it pleasurable or stimulating in a non-distressing manner.

Dominant Daddy

Dominance is one of the key kinks incorporated into the BDSM spectrum. For this kink, a person takes on a role of being a Dom. Being dominant, unlike sadism and machoism, is more about power rather than physical contact or sensations (Barker, 2020). Because it is more about power than actual physical sensations, one can be a Dom in multiple areas of his or her relationship. It is not confined to just a sexual nature. The majority of people, however, choose to play a dominant role only when engaging in sexual activity (Barker, 2020). When it does not involve sex, being a Dom could look like making your partner do any act that involves giving up food. When being dominant does involve sexual activity, it mostly looks like the dominant ordering the submissive partner to do certain things. Dominance can also take place in the form of using punishment or restraints in order to obtain power over the partner. Unlike pure bondage, however, the eroticism stems from giving up control rather than the physical restraints.

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S Stands for Submission

Sexual submission is the opposite of dominance in BDSM. The partner who is submissive caters to the Dom’s whims and desire, although this is always consensual when in a heathy relationship. The whole goal of being submissive is to give up control to the Dom. This can take form in various ways, such as cooking whatever the Dom wants, acting out sexual fantasies the Dom wants, etc.
Being a Sub is a consensual practice that is enjoyable to the partner practicing submission. In some instances, however, it can be a signal that there is underlying psychopathology present. If a person is engaging in the behavior out of fear, then it is not healthy. However, this is usually not the case.

Spice it Up!

Incorporating “spice” into your sex life doesn’t have to look like going all out. It’s a spectrum of kink, including anything from using a blindfold to participating in a kink orgy party. If you want to incorporate BDSM into your bedroom but don’t know how, I’d suggest starting off slow. Using handcuffs, talking dirty, or edging as the beginning steps can be useful. Clear communication is KEY in this kind of sexual activity, so making sure your partner consents to all activities beforehand is crucial. Although it may be awkward, discussing hard limits with your partner can facilitate a healthy, kinky sex life.

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Curious About BDSM? Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN

In my next blog post about BDSM, I’ll be following up with more information on how to use BDSM or other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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