Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Have you seen the new Netflix mini series The Principles of Pleasure? This 4 episode series celebrates female pleasure by sharing lots of history, facts, and science about the female anatomy, pleasure, and sexuality. It also tells you all the ways we are getting screwed (and not in a good way) if we’ve been socialized as women in this patriarchal culture. From the title of this article you may assume I mean we deserve better in regards to pleasure from our partners. I do believe we deserve better from them, but mostly I mean, we deserve better from ourselves. We deserve to feel and know that pleasure is not just “okay” but something we should welcome experiencing from ourselves and our partners. We deserve to be educated about our body and what gives us pleasure. And we deserve to know this is H E A L T H Y. Seriously! The World Health Organization includes sexual health as a part of a healthy lifestyle. This includes pleasure! Here are some of my (a MN sex therapist) key takeaways from the show "The Principles of Pleasure"!Vulva Vs Vagina:We live in a world that teaches people to say vagina when the whole thing is really the vulva. To call is just the vagina is to reduce it to just the reproductive function. You’re leaving out some really important parts. The vagina is what’s on the inside. The vulva includes the clitoris, labia, and other important parts of our pleasure center. Emily Nagoski on the Hymen:"If it breaks, like all of our other skin it HEALS - it doesn't break and stay broken. it's not a freshness seal. Yet, the myth is so powerful, not because of what is biologically true about a hymen, but what a culture has made true about the hymen." Our culture would like you to believe your hymen defines you, that some singular event including a penis penetrating your vagina defines you. Isn’t that so silly when we put it like that? That’s because it is. We should no longer be teaching girls and women and anyone with a hymen that a man or his penis defines them. This is also extremely heteronormative. What about those who never have this experience? If you are looking for some kind of replacement word just for reference when discussing it with your teens or friends, I suggest instead of virginity you call it “sexual debut”. On the Orgasm Gap“Imagine if every time you went out for dinner your date was served this amazing 7 course meal. You were served a pack of saltines from 2012. You would be OUTRAGED. You’d never eat there again. You’d write a scathing yelp review and tell all your friends not to eat there. So why does it feel like we just accept that men are the only ones reliably orgasming?” This is what we call the Orgasm Gap. Two thirds of women are rarely orgasmic from penetration alone. Women are made to think something is wrong with them if they cannot orgasm from penetration alone, yet it is the more common experience! Knowledge is power. Know that you are normal, and know that adding additional clitoral stimulation during penetration is necessary for most women to have increased pleasure and orgasm. For more information about this, read my previous blog about how women can reach orgasm more reliably. The show also discusses experiences of women and with folks with differing gender, sexual, and racial identities well.The folks on the show explain an important concept: women are taught they must conform with the socially constructed beauty ideal. The further you get from that standard the less permission you have to access pleasure. This gets more and more complicated with marginalized identities. For those struggling to “feel okay” accessing pleasure, Emily Nagoski has a great exercise to try. She says – Take off your clothes and get as naked as you can tolerate. Stand in front of mirror and say out loud the things about your body that you appreciate. This can be as simple as – I like my nailbeds! Or I think I kind of have cute toes. Or I appreciate what my strong arms allow me to do like carry around my baby. She says to do this everyday. 10/10: Your trusted sex therapist highly recommends this one!I highly recommend you watch this show. This can be done individually- or for extra points watch it with someone else and discuss it. This could be your partner, your friend, your parent, etc. Discuss what came up for you. Practice saying words like vulva or penis or orgasm. This will help desensitize the words and make them easier to use! I would also love for anyone to comment on this blog what part of the show they enjoyed! Interested in Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?I'd love to keep talking with you about this, and other topics regarding sex and desire. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!
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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien The BDSM community requires constant communication with your partner. This extends outside of the regular daily communication that couples should have. Communication about BDSM needs to be explicit and well thought out. Some couples have contracts that they abide by. In these contractions, certain expectations, rules, and activities are laid out for all parties involved. The contracts stipulate people’s comfortability with engaging in particular acts, what they’re willing to do and not do, and their limits. While contracts are more utilized in the BDSM community with folks who aren’t in romantic relationships, they can still be helpful as a blueprint for communication with your partner for what you’re comfortable with. Communication is always key for couplesCommunication while participating in BDSM ensures that both party’s needs are met. Sex can be a very challenging topic to discuss. Adding on kink to your sex life adds another layer of complexity, especially when some people don’t know their limits. Being able to explicitly talk about what you are comfortable with makes sure that the sexual activity being engaged in is consensual and fun. There are ways to go about communicating with your partner. Usually, the most effective communication about sex occurs when emotions are well regulated. Starting out the conversation by discussing what you want to talk about is crucial too. For example, if you’re out to dinner for a date night, you don’t want to randomly bring up your rules for BDSM play, unless you’ve establish your partner is comfortable talking about it in that context. Ask you partner when they are okay with talking about kink play and how they would like to approach the conversation. Reading your partner is important too-if you partner is incredibly stressed out about something else in the relationship, don’t force communication about rules during kink play. Ideas for discussion:So, what exactly do you discuss before indulging in kink play? There are several considerations. Here is a list of helpful starting questions for beginners: -Who plays what role (IE Dom, Sub, or Switch) -How they play it (What does it look like to you if you were to be in that role?) -When they play it (Is this a spontaneous thing, is it planned, is it every time you have sex, etc.) -Who will be involved (Extra partners, people who watch, etc.) -What things will be involved (Particular toys, restraints, lingerie,) -How long do we want things to last (Until orgasm, until safe word, etc.) -What are our explicit limits (No nipple clamps, no electric wands, no anal play) -What are our goals (To create emotionally intimacy, to release sexual tension, to spice things up) -What are our soft limits (things you are willing to explore but still are unsure of) -What we want individually (to be tied up, to have anal play, vibrators, etc. ) -Birth control methods if wanted -Clothing worn, if any Last but certainly not least: ConsentConsent is something that is needed in every sexual situation, whether you have been together for 30+ years or 2 weeks. Consent looks different to everyone and can be different at different times, so make sure to talk to your partner PRIOR to any sexual activity about what they’re okay with. Consent doesn’t have to be awkward either. You can use it as an opportunity to navigate challenging and stigmatized conversations which will ultimately increase your bond and intimacy. Consent during sexual activity can be sexy too-think dirty talk. Safe wordsConsent with kink requires additional components of communication, such as the list mentioned above. In additional to verbal consent, setting up limits with safe words is crucial in the kink community. Safe words are words used that signal to the other person that a hard limit has been met and the activity must stop. They provide a way to let your partner know that you are not okay with what is going on. Safe words must be talked about prior to the sexual activity so your partner is aware of what they are and how to handle them. Some couples are okay with saying a safe word and having the partner stop that specific act, but continue on with other sexual acts without verbal communication or checking in. Other partners use safe words and want the partner to hinder all sexual activity. Remember: Have FUN!Remember that communication is a necessary part of engaging in kink, but it’s also part of the fun! Many couples really enjoy discussing their wants, needs, desires, kinks, fantasies, etc. You can learn so much more about your partner and become connected in a new way. Enjoy! Ready to Talk About BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope this has helped you get more information on how to use BDSM, help you consider how to try BDSM or incorporate other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT So many of us are a little bit obsessed with this show. Have you wondered what a couples therapist might think of this season & these couples? There are many fun relational dynamics to dissect from season two - so let’s dive in! It’s hard not to root for at least some of these couples to make it, right? Sadly, I don’t think any of them have a shot. Well, maybe Jarrette and Iyanna - let’s start with them. Jarrette and IyannaJarrette is probably going to face a harsh reality, transitioning from a single, free person to a husband. He seems to be used to doing what he wants, when he wants. This could be problematic for them. I originally felt like Iyanna was settling a bit for something she maybe didn’t really think was right for her. But then I saw them dance at their wedding. They looked so damn natural and comfortable with each other. They even had similar dance moves! It was beautiful to watch. I’m rooting for them. Shane & NatalieThey were a bad match for many reasons, but I’m going to focus on their love languages. Shane needs a cheerleader - someone who is going to root for him and shower him with compliments every day. His love language is definitely Words of Affirmation. Natalie seems to have grown up in a family where words of affirmation weren’t used that much, and she seemed uncomfortable giving compliments and words of affection. Not having your partner speak your love language consistently often leads to resentment in the relationship. We saw that developing with Shane. He also seemed to struggle to see the other ways she was showing him love that were not through words of affirmation. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention that Shane seems to have some personality and possibly some substance issues that were contributing to their unhealthy dynamic as well. Danielle & NickThese two both seem to have a ton of unresolved trauma and issues from their pasts. That is going to make this relationship nearly impossible to thrive, unless they make an appointment with a couples’ therapist, stat. A couples therapist could help them identify what triggers they have in a relationship and how they may intermingle with their partners’ triggers, and the best way to handle it. They also both seem to get very flooded very easily when in conflict and become unable to communicate rationally. They both seem to want a relationship but maybe haven’t thought through if they actually want the things that each other in particular would bring to the table. Mallory & SalvadorSalvador saying “no” on the day of the wedding sort of shocked us all. After all, we saw him serenade her several times and it seemed super romantic, right? To use a favorite reality show reference - I don’t think he was “here for the right reasons”. My gut tells me the serenades were about jump-starting his music career. Even if he wasn’t ready for marriage he also didn’t show interest in continuing to date Mallory which also makes me question his motivations for being on the show. As a sex therapist, I also don’t think they had very much sexual chemistry. Honestly, Mallory seemed to have that sexual attraction and passion much more with Jarrette. Mallory said early on that she was purposely choosing someone “different” than she normally chooses. I think she was indirectly saying she normally chooses someone who is less emotional and more traditionally masculine. Salvador seemed to be the opposite of that but still didn’t work out for her – but I still think her quest for someone with these qualities is an important one for her! Deepti & ShakeOkay here’s where I have A LOT to say as a couples therapist. So much happening with this couple. First - I will agree with pretty much the whole world and say Deepti is amazing and whomever she ends up with is going to feel very lucky to have her. Shake: I see potential in him, I really do. But he has some work to do with gaining insight about what’s going on subconsciously for him. Remember how he kept saying he wasn’t physically or sexually attracted to her? In my opinion, there is some deep internalized racism and sexism happening here. Shake told us all he only dates “white girls”. Based on many of his comments, he seems to over sexualize and dehumanize the women he’s normally attracted to. Because he didn’t see Deepti first, I think he really humanized her and looked at her differently than how he normally looks at women he dates. He saw her as a whole human and not just some hot girl to have on his arm. BUT because he humanized her, he found himself faced with a subconscious discrepancy. I think the only women he’s ever fully respected have been women in his family. And, of course, he doesn’t want to have sex with his mom, aunt, etc. Remember when he said he felt like she was his aunt?!? He said that because he didn’t understand that the way he viewed her as a whole human was the same as how he viewed women in his family and NOT how he views the women he typically dates. So, for Shake I’d love to help him figure out this inner conflict and how to be attracted to someone both physically AND emotionally. He also needs to learn how to lean into vulnerability and not into his shame, which ends up making him a bit narcissistic. But that’s a topic for another day! Interested in Couples Therapy in Plymouth, MN?All in all, it was a great season. The more I watch these reality shows for love/dating the more I’m convinced that they’d really benefit from having an on-site couples’ therapist to help them! (Netflix, reach out.) For everyone else, at least those of you in Minnesota, let's talk about how couples therapy can help your life. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien Why incorporate BDSM into your sex life? What is it?As stated in the BDSM blog 1, BDSM has a wide range of definitions. It can encompass many things, including dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, bondage and discipline. There are many reasons to incorporate kink play into your sex life. BDSM Reason 1: Novelty & FunBringing in kink play can create a fun new atmosphere. If you feel like you’re in a rut sexually, adding in new things that are comfortable for all parties involved can be beneficial and re-instigate the passion. Novelty can often create some of the newness that was so fun at the beginning of your sexual relationship. BDSM lets people play a fictional role, which can be freeing and fun. Life can get pretty serious sometimes and acting out a scene or role play can help you get out of your everyday life and into the present moment with your partner and have some fun! BDSM Reason 2: Experimenting with different roles or power dynamics within the relationshipUsing different methods of play can help you to see your partner in a different light. It’s easy in long term relationships for each partner to fall into perceived cemented roles. These roles can include mother, father, husband, wife, caretaker, etc. Getting out of these roles can be hard. Using BDSM or other kink play can make you switch roles into something that you aren’t usually in. If the regular caretaker role becomes the dominant, disciplining sex partner, it allows for roles to be interrupted. This could potentially lead to more flexibility in roles outside of the bedroom, in a way that that is beneficial for the relationship. Often times, partners can get stuck in rigid roles that can impair their ability to solve problems. Disrupting this role pattern creates new roles which then allows for new ways to look and solve problems. BDSM Reason 3: Being PresentLet’s face it – sometimes it’s hard to let go of the stressors or responsibilities of the day and just be present with your partner sexually. BDSM can be very grounding for some because it gets them out of their brain and into the sensations of their body, or into the story of the scene happening. If you are focused on the feeling of how your wrists feel being tied up or the sensory deprivation of wearing a blindfold you can easily get lost in those senses in a way that helps you get deeper into the experience with your partner. BDSM Reason 4: Learn something new togetherIt bonds you together as a couple! No really-more than just literally, experiencing something new together aids in connection and intimacy in the relationship. Learning about BDSM as a couple and choosing to explore it together is an activity that is mutually enjoyable. Whether it’s shopping for new sex toys together, watching informational videos about BDSM, or simply reading about it, you’re spending time together, which is vital for relational health. Additionally, the communication that is needed when using BDSM is a great opportunity to practice setting boundaries and really hearing your partner. BDSM cannot be practiced without pre-rehearsed guidelines surrounding safety and boundaries. Being vulnerable and talking to your partner about what you want during sex makes for great practice on how to talk about your needs in general. But-how do you get into BDSM?Getting into BDSM can be a big step, but how deeply you want to delve into the BDSM world depends on you. Discussing what you specifically want with your partner is absolutely key. Depending on what aspects you want to incorporate, here are several things that you can do. Tie Me UpMany couples unknowingly incorporate bondage into their sex script by holding their partners hands above their head or behind their back. You can also use ropes, handcuffs, spreading bars, collars, hooks, manacle, chains, tapes or satin ties can be used for bondage. There are multiple bondage toys as well. Bondage can take on many forms-you can be standing, suspended, sitting, or laying down. As far as actual tying positions to start out with, tying your partners wrists together can be fun and non-invasive. The restraints can be loose or tight, depending on comfort level. The wrists can be tied together or tied to something else. For example, you can tie your wrists together and then attach that restraint to a headboard or another object. If you’d like to get a little bit kinkier, tying your partner spread eagle on the bed can be a fun idea. Otherwise, there are multiple other ties, such as the hogtie, crab tie, or reverse shrimp tie, that can be found through this resource on bondage positions and methods. Hurt Me, But in a Fun WaySadism and Masochism need to be thoroughly communicated before being indulged in. To enter into the world of Sadism and Masochism, individual needs and wants to communicate-particularly, the individual’s pain tolerance levels and what they’re willing to accept. Sadism and masochism can involve multiple things. Wax play, which is dripping wax on your partner, can be achieved through lighting a candle and then holding the candle gently over your partner. Then, let the wax drip onto them. This is a quick but painful sensation that can be sexually arousing. Ice play could be another thing to try. Rubbing ice on your partner can fulfill multiple sensations and can be associated with pain. There are also more painful procedures, such as using cloth pins. To use cloth pins, pinch them onto your partner’s skin. They can either stay pinched on the skin or be ripped off, which increases the pain intensity. Depending on where they are placed, the pain can be more subdued. It may take some trial and error to find what you’re comfortable with and what you want to tolerate. Spanking can also be a way to inflict pain. You can use a paddle, swatch, or hand for this. Submit!Finally, the branch of dominance and submission can be intertwined in bondage, discipline, and masochism/sadism. Dirty talking is a way to practice dominance and submission, such as telling your partner what to do. This can start off as explicit as you’d like. Other ways to practice dominance and submission include non-sexual things that lead to sex, such as demanding your partner serve you food, clean your shoes, or position themselves in a way that is appeasing to you. Telling your partner what to wear for you, how to do their hair, etc., can also be an expression of dominance and submission. Bondage can be a great aid in dominance, as it allows for physical domination over the other person. There are so many ways to practice BDSM and kink. Do some research online and see what feels interesting to you. Happy exploring! Curious About BDSM? Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNTalking about these things for the first time can be hard. Consent and good communication is also an important part of BDSM and kink. But, be sure to check out part one of the BDSM series, if you haven't already. Then, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT One of the best ways to keep your sex life fun and fresh is through the use of different sexual positive contexts. A sexual context is a broad theme or idea that can lead you into fun things to try in the bedroom. For example, if the broader context of restraint is sexy to you, using handcuffs, rope, or holding your partner down/being held down are all expressions of that sexual context. Focusing intensely in on a single context can really make it shine or adding a new context can spice up the sex you're used to having. When it comes to introducing new contexts to your sex life there a few barriers that people typically run into. The first for many is identifying just what contexts are sexy to you. The second is how to approach a conversation with your partner to see if they're interested in the context too. Lastly, many couples struggle with successfully integrating new contexts they've identified into their actual sex life. In this blog we'll look at how to go through each of these steps so that you have the tools to keep things exciting, connected, and fun. What Turns You On?This is a conversation many couples have had, but also one that often leads to frustration. Most men are inundated with sexuality and fantasy from before they even realize they have a sex drive. Women on the other hand are often not exposed in the same way and are frequently given negative messages around sexual desire. This can make the question of what turns you on feel very unfair or even shameful if you don't know. But, How Do I Know What Turns Me On?So how do we actually figure out what turns us on? There are many tools out there to see what might spark some desire for you. The internet has countless articles listing sexual interests, from Cosmopolitan to clinical research. You can check out a porn site and simply look at the categories they've listed (the website Bellesa has an extensive list of categories for erotic preferences). Reading erotica is another way to see what sparks your desire. There is also a great app called Kindu that helps you and your partner discover shared fantasies. These are all great tools to explore desire but what we really want to look at with each of these things is the broader context of what turns you on about each item. If having sex on a hike is exciting to you, why? Maybe it's because you might get caught, and the taboo of that is sexually exciting. In this case, the idea of getting caught is what you find sexy and the next step is incorporating this context into your sex life. Fantasy v. RealityThere's one last component of sexual context I want to be very clear on. There's a big difference between fantasizing about what turns you on and acting out that fantasy in real life. For example, you might find the idea of getting caught arousing from a fantasy standpoint, but when you act out this fantasy in real life you run the risk of actually getting caught, and perhaps find this potential consequence horrifying. It is important to understand the difference between what turns you on from a fantasy standpoint and what you and your partner feel comfortable acting out in real life together. Therefore, a foundation of trust, safety, communication, and consent are necessary to explore with a partner(s) sexually. The Right Amount of HeatTalking to your partner about sex, particularly about new sexual ideas can be very scary. I want to remind everyone just how vulnerable of a space sex is. It can be scary just to show your naked body to someone, and sharing your innermost desires and fantasies is a whole different level of vulnerability. When your partner shares a sexy context it's incredibly important to show understanding and compassion, or they may not feel safe or comfortable opening up about their sexual interests again. This doesn't mean you have to find everything sexy that your partner does or want to try the things that they want to try. It just means we don't want to respond in a way that makes our partner feel like their desires are wrong or gross. So, let's look at how and what to share, how to respond, and how to plan for fun new sex. I Wanna Talk About Sex, BabyThe first step to sharing new sexual ideas with your partner is simply initiating the conversation. Saying something like, “I want to talk about sex,” can be a great opener. If this feels a bit overwhelming to say and hear, making a plan to have a conversation about sex avoids partners feeling caught off-guard. Saying something like, “Hey, I want to talk about a fun, sexy thing we could try together, can we talk about it tonight?" This gives you both some room to feel prepared and ready for a vulnerable conversation. Once you're in the conversation you want to communicate the specific thing you want to try as well as the context that makes it sexy. This is a very important step because it can be very easy to try a new sexual activity and have it completely miss the context that made it sexy in the first place. If you want to be tied up because the context of your partner being dominant is a turn on and they are just sweet and caring while you're tied up then you've completely missed the point and maybe end up thinking being tied up isn't sexy after all. So, make sure you communicate the context that you are trying to explore. As a partner responding to this it's ok to feel neutral or positive about a context and still try it. If being dominant feels neutral to you but the idea of being submissive really turns you on and your partner shows enthusiasm for exploring both roles, give them a go! Comfort and CommunicationIf either of you have negative feelings about a sexual context that comes up as a possibility to try, then no is the answer. We want to be sure we're not shutting down our partner for sharing something vulnerable however, so that no might sound like, "I can definitely see why that sounds sexy but I don't think I'm comfortable with that." You could also try and scale things down a bit. Responding, "I don't feel comfortable tying you up but maybe I could just try to be more dominant when we have sex or start with some sexy handcuffs," conveys openness to your partner about a context while honoring your need to explore at a level of intensity that works for you. Make sure you're on the same page with what the sexy context is and that you're both down to explore it. 2 Become 1The last step is planning exactly what it is you're going to do so you both know just what is going to happen and there are no surprises. You don't want to try and introduce a new context or take a context further without talking about it first. Choking might be really sexy for you and your partner, but you can't try choking them during routine sex and see how it goes. This could create a breach in safety and trust between you and your partner. "Practice Sex"With a plan in place that you’ve created together, start slowly and with lots of communication. I like to describe this phase as practice sex. If you've never done this together before you need to learn how. Even if you've done it with a past partner you need to learn how to do it with your current partner. Make sure everything is feeling good, make sure you're hitting the right context, and make adjustments as necessary. If things don't feel good, then stop. If things do feel good let yourselves transition out the practice phase and into just enjoying the fun new context you're exploring. Stick to your plan and don't take the context further than discussed. Finally, later that day or the next day, discuss how things went. How was it for each partner? Was it great but needs some practice? After this conversation the whole cycle begins again. Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNSo, get out there and find your positive contexts! Talk to your partner about them. Plan how to incorporate them into your sex life. Above all, have fun! Whether you want to spice things up in the bedroom, or talk about having the conversation with your partner, we can help! Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow in 2021"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien BDSM is an often stigmatized and misperceived form of sexuality.Mainstream culture and media frequently portray it as a maladaptive coping skill for trauma or those who are very mentally ill. Older versions of psychology have heavily pathologized those who live in the BDSM realm. Although there are exceptions, BDSM has actually been shown be a healthy component of sexuality in recent years. Studies have discovered that those who participate in BDSM are happier, healthier, and can cope better with stress than their counterparts who do not. Thus, BDSM is not a disorder. It’s a normal expression of sexuality. All participants of BDSM are consensual and not forced into doing things they do not want to do. Chains and whips excite me…BDSM itself can take on multiple forms, and the acronym stands for Bondage & Discipline (BD), Dominance & Submission (D/S), and Sadism and Masochism (S/M). The term BDSM is mostly utilized as an umbrella term to describe a form of sexuality activity that includes some kind of dominance and submission, although that can look like various things. So, what exactly are these forms of BDSM and what do they mean?Bondage is basically what it sounds like. It’s a kink that involves using some kind of restraints, either ropes, handcuffs, ribbons, or other ties to restrain a person (or people). In this form of BDSM, Bondage is usually coupled with a power dynamic. The person who is restrained would traditionally be seen as being submissive and the person who tied them up would be seen as dominant. Bondage can be incorporated with other elements of BDSM as well, such as sadism or masochism. In this form, the person tied up would be inflicted with pain of some sort, with the goal of enhancing sexual pleasure. It is important to note that there is usually a safe word involved, so that if the pain becomes too much, the sub states their safe word and the activity stops. Sadism and Masochism? Say what now??Sadism and Masochism are forms of expression, both sexual and nonsexual. They can be two elements of kinks in BDSM. They refer to acts of receiving or giving pain that results in gratification. While Sadism and Masochism disorder do exist in the DSM, they are only pathologies when they are causing impairment or distress. There is an important distinction to be made when differentiating pain and distress. Pain CAN cause distress, but doesn’t always. Some people find it pleasurable or stimulating in a non-distressing manner. Dominant DaddyDominance is one of the key kinks incorporated into the BDSM spectrum. For this kink, a person takes on a role of being a Dom. Being dominant, unlike sadism and machoism, is more about power rather than physical contact or sensations (Barker, 2020). Because it is more about power than actual physical sensations, one can be a Dom in multiple areas of his or her relationship. It is not confined to just a sexual nature. The majority of people, however, choose to play a dominant role only when engaging in sexual activity (Barker, 2020). When it does not involve sex, being a Dom could look like making your partner do any act that involves giving up food. When being dominant does involve sexual activity, it mostly looks like the dominant ordering the submissive partner to do certain things. Dominance can also take place in the form of using punishment or restraints in order to obtain power over the partner. Unlike pure bondage, however, the eroticism stems from giving up control rather than the physical restraints. S Stands for SubmissionSexual submission is the opposite of dominance in BDSM. The partner who is submissive caters to the Dom’s whims and desire, although this is always consensual when in a heathy relationship. The whole goal of being submissive is to give up control to the Dom. This can take form in various ways, such as cooking whatever the Dom wants, acting out sexual fantasies the Dom wants, etc. Being a Sub is a consensual practice that is enjoyable to the partner practicing submission. In some instances, however, it can be a signal that there is underlying psychopathology present. If a person is engaging in the behavior out of fear, then it is not healthy. However, this is usually not the case. Spice it Up!Incorporating “spice” into your sex life doesn’t have to look like going all out. It’s a spectrum of kink, including anything from using a blindfold to participating in a kink orgy party. If you want to incorporate BDSM into your bedroom but don’t know how, I’d suggest starting off slow. Using handcuffs, talking dirty, or edging as the beginning steps can be useful. Clear communication is KEY in this kind of sexual activity, so making sure your partner consents to all activities beforehand is crucial. Although it may be awkward, discussing hard limits with your partner can facilitate a healthy, kinky sex life. Curious About BDSM? Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIn my next blog post about BDSM, I’ll be following up with more information on how to use BDSM or other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow in 2021"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern, Kailey Morien The joys (or not) of parenthood…Parenthood encompasses, arguably, the one of the most major alteration in lifestyle out of anything. From pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, various changes are occurring both biologically and psychological in the person who gives birth AND their partners. These changes result in disruption of regular life, which means that relationships are affected. One of the main adjustments of parenthood? Your sex life. Postpartum Sex Can Be ComplicatedFrom pregnancy and beyond, sex becomes different. New positions, varying hormone levels, and an overall feeling of being unwell contribute to a change in the way people experience sex while pregnant. This change is further amplified after baby is born. From newborn stage to teenage stage, the logistics of the parent’s sex life changes. Figuring out-when do we have sex? What if we’re too tired? What if our kids can hear us? What if they walk in on us and we traumatize them? How do we maintain a good sex life? Podcasts Are Here to Help!Foreplay’s “Sex After Kids,” addresses these concerns. Created by sex therapist Laurie Watson, and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews, this podcast discusses the common questions about sex after children. Both therapists validate parents and discuss the barriers of having sex after your little ones are born. The podcast also discusses barriers to sex postpartum. It’s important to know what’s happening to your body and hormones at this time. Four Barriers to Adult Sexy Time:Barrier One = Prolactin This barrier begins during pregnancy, and it is often hormonal. Prolactin, a hormone produced to help breastfeed, reduces desire in women and alters lubrication, which can increase discomfort during sex. This makes sex less pleasurable and sometimes even painful. Barrier Two = Sleep Deprivation It is discussed in the podcast is lack of sleep and its disruption to desire within couples. Who wants to have sex when you’ve been up all night soothing a crying child? Barrier Three= Overstimulation A new baby needs lots of attention and is constantly physically clinging to them, to the point where they may not want any physical contact by anyone else due to overstimulation. Barrier Four = C H A N G E S A new baby creates rapid and dramatic schedule changes. Free time is suddenly gone, and it feels like everything revolves around your child. As Dr. Adam states, “Busyness is devastating for couples.” There is a common feeling among parents that your child is supposed to be the center of your world and you must do everything with them. This is further perpetuated by kids interrupting adult time. It begins to feel like no matter what, your child is going to be there in middle. Date nights stop, adult sexy time stops, everything stops so that your child feels included. Get Your Sex Back on TrackSo, one of the keys to increasing your sex and overall relationship satisfaction? According to Laurie and Dr. Adam, making alone time for you and your spouse, even if it means excluding your kids from activities. Doing this will increase the opportunities to be intimate. Setting a strong boundary that parents have alone time to enjoy each other’s company fosters independence in kids, as well as the eventual desire of their own romantic relationship. It may seem uncomfortable in the beginning, but it’s good for them and their parents in the long run. As Laurie states, marriage comes first and family comes second. This sounds incredibly counterintuitive, but it makes sense in the grander scheme of things. Making your marriage a priority means getting your needs met, whether that be sexual, emotional, or physical. Your children see your healthy relationship and form a secure attachment because of it. There is an inherent gift in teaching your children the boundaries and passion of marriage according to Laurie. Allowing your children to pick up on your intimate connection is incredibly beneficial for the children and facilitates healthy peer relationships. Logistics of Postpartum Sex and IntimacyIn addition to making your marriage a priority, there are logistical boundaries to be set that allow for sex to be prominent in your life. Getting your child to sleep in their own bed is a great way to increase adult alone time. While this might not always be realistic, trying to stick with allowing kids to sleep in their own bed will help increase sex. Creating a bedtime routine greatly aids kids in adapting to sleeping alone and staying in their own room. According to Dr. Mathews, ”Having a routine creates opportunities to have sex.” Another logistical thing is creating a safe space with your spouse. This means-privacy! Often, fear of your kid walking in on you have sex will deter you from being intimate. Parents will feel guilty about locking their door and not being accessible 24/7 to their kids and therefore won’t do it. Lock your door! Occasionally locking the door is NOT detrimental to your child and will solve this issue. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Overall, prioritizing your relationship will create the frequency and quality of your sex life. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow in 2021"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Ethical Non-Monogamy: The "New" FadIn the last couple of years I've seen the rise of a new fad-open relationships. Now ethical non-monogamy has existed for centuries and when approached in a healthy way is can make for a fulfilling relationship. However, with the rise in visibility of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, I've seen many couples approach opening up in an unhealthy way that ultimately dooms the relationship. Today we'll try to answer just what is ethical non-monogamy, is it right for you, and how you can open up in a healthy way. There are many great resources out there on this topic so if it interests you I would recommend reading a book or two on the topic before taking any steps. I'll refer some great books on the topic at the end. This blog will help feel out if that's a path you want to go down. To do a little clarification before we begin, we'll say very generally that polyamory/ethical non-monogamy refer to individuals who are happy in some form of non-dyadic relationship. Maybe they only love their partner but sleep with other people to expand the meeting of physical needs or maybe they are committed or loving to each person they are with. It varies. There is no one correct form of any of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy. Am I Poly?The most important question I see people miss, and the one that gets people in the most trouble, is am I poly/non-monogamous? In my experience as a sex therapist ethical non-monogamy is an orientation in the same way that gay, straight, queer, etc. are orientations. They describe who we are, not who we choose to be. I couldn't decide to be polyamorous tomorrow the same way I couldn't decide to be gay tomorrow. Just like people come to terms with their sexual orientations and come out at different times in their lives, people do the same with their "relational orientation." As I said before, society is slowly becoming more accepting of different relational orientations, so more people are coming out. If you feel like this is who you are, or who you have always been, then maybe checking out one of the reference books will be a good step for you. There are also many different levels of ethical non-monogamy. Maybe you're ok with casually dating someone while they also date other people. Maybe you're ok with being married to someone and you both sleep with other people. Maybe you're in a committed relationship with more than one person. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy take many forms, and any of them may be right or not right for you. Now that we've got a little bit of an understanding of what these things are, we'll look at what they're not. Let's Open the RelationshipThere are a number of ways I see the use of the titles of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy cause harm to people. The first of which is when one or both people in a relationship are not happy with their physical intimacy, so they suggest opening the relationship as a way to get needs met. You can decide to open your relationship all you want, but you can't decide to be someone you aren't. I could sleep with another man but it wouldn't make me gay. Something is going to feel horribly wrong, and this is only going to compound the problems that already exist in the relationship, especially around why sexual needs are being met in the first place. This can often come up when one partner has lower desire, a physical ailment, or even a long distance relationship. What needs to happen in this situation is to heal the relationship, not look to someone else to just fix things. A similar line of reasoning might be, "let's just have a baby together, that'll solve all our problems." Even in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, using the openness of the relationship to avoid internal problems is only going to make things worse. So here we've really got the two primary problems rolled into one. You can't just decide to be poly, and opening the relationship to avoid internal problems is only going to make things worse. I often see these two happen in tandem, and lead to the end of a relationship. One other thing I like to mention here is the difference between fantasy and reality. There are many people who find the thought of their partner having sex with someone else, or having a threesome etc., really sexy. There is nothing wrong with this, but there is a massive difference between indulging in this fantasy as fantasy, and making it happen in real life. It's ok to play with fantasies as ideas without making them happen for real. The last major problem I see is couples who are genuinely open to exploring their ethical non-monogamy/polyamory orientation, but don't understand what these things really entail. There is a lot of work that goes into figuring out how these things work for you. Relationships Have BoundariesWhen looking at opening your relationship there are many things to consider. We'll look at a few here, and if this is all sounding good to you then I would suggest the books at the end of the blog again. The first, and most important thing, is clarifying your boundaries. Every relationship has boundaries, even if we're not all that great about talking to each other about them. In a monogamous relationship there are some pretty standard cultural norms about what's ok and what isn't. Even with these norms in place I work with a lot of couples who get in trouble because they assumed their partner shared the same boundaries as them. In an open relationship these boundary norms disappear and the opportunity for harm increases exponentially, if you don't talk about it. Here are a couple things to consider when talking about boundaries for your open relationship.
How are you maintaining your primary relationship?This is not even close to an exhaustive list of boundaries/questions to think about. The last question there, about maintaining your primary relationship, is also of key importance. Even for people who identify with these orientations, feelings of jealousy or insecurity can arise. Knowing how you're going to deal with this and manage these feelings for yourself and with your partner are very important. Monogamous relationships also take a lot of work, these kinds of relationships just often make people do work, or ask questions they're not used to. So preparing yourself as best you can will lead you to the best chance of success. Books to Read About Poly and Ethical Non-Monogamy:
Considering Open Relationship Counseling in Plymouth, MN?So best of luck to you in having a happy and healthy relationship, no matter what it looks like! Need a therapist who understands open relationships? Don’t wait any longer to get the marriage counseling or couples therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists have experience working with couples in open relationships. And, our relationship therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaOur therapists want to support people from all walks of life and all stages of relationships. In addition to therapy for infidelity, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT If you are reading this is likely means you are seeing a therapist or have seen a therapist in the past that you didn’t feel you could bring up the topic of sex with.You’re not alone. Many of the clients we get here are clients that didn’t feel they could bring up their sexual concerns to their therapist for a few different reasons, or their therapist referred them to us directly because they wanted their clients to get more specialized care. First of all, to the therapists struggling to talk to their clients about sex: I get it. It’s hard. This point of this article is NOT to shame the therapist who struggles to talk about sex. We are very against shame of any kind as sex therapists. The point is to educate clients WHY their therapist may not be talking to them about sex so that instead of feeling like it’s about them (SHAME) they can see it’s 100 percent not about them. So why won’t my therapist talk to me about sex? Here are the reasons.1. Therapists aren’t given enough education in graduate school about how to work with sexual concerns.If a therapist is lucky, they may have one class, or a part of a class dedicated to sex therapy. Many don’t get any education on this at all. So, it becomes up to them to seek out extra trainings or supervision post graduate school if they want to know how to work with sexual concerns. 2. Many of us therapists are at a disadvantage because we didn’t grow up in a sex positive environment.Because a big part of my job is to train and supervise new therapists, I get to see firsthand how many therapists have not worked out their own stuff related to sex. With out this, it’s very difficult to then be able to help clients work out things related to sex. The first part is key. We can’t help you go places we haven’t been vulnerable with in some way with ourselves. This doesn’t mean we have to have gone through the exact same issue, but it does mean we have to figure out our own pre-conceived notions about sex from our own growing up that may or may not be helpful in the therapy room (ex: sexual shame). I have had to do my own work on this and continue to make it a priority in my life. 3. They aren’t sure if you want them to bring it up.Back to the sexual shame thing again- some therapists hesitate to ask the question, “Is there anything about your sex life or sexuality that you want to discuss in therapy?” because they are afraid of what you might think of that question. They worry it’s too intrusive or assuming. They are worried they may offend you with the question. 4. They are sure the questions to ask.So let’s say you do say you want to work on your sex life with your partner. They aren’t always sure of the questions to ask to help you figure out exactly what that means or what goals you could have related to that in therapy. So what should you do if your therapist doesn’t bring up the topic but you really want to talk sex?TALK ABOUT IT! Tell them as straight forwardly as you can that you have some topics related to sex that you want to discuss in therapy. Likely, they will be happy you brought it up and ask you to tell them more. They will likely know their own capabilities and refer you out if they don’t feel they are the best person to help you, but you can also feel free to ask them if this is something they feel they can work with. Some clients choose to continue to see their “regular” therapist and see us for the sexual related concerns. We are happy to help in whatever way feels best to you! Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow in 2021"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT If you have a vulva you likely struggle at times to reach orgasm during partnered sex. If you don’t know what your vulva is - it is the external part of the female genitalia and includes (among other things) your clitoris. Likely you just haven’t quite figured out your orgasm formula – the things you need in order to reach orgasm. First, Your Pleasure MattersBefore I go into this, I have to say to women reading this: Your pleasure is important, your orgasm is important. Women are socialized to believe our pleasure is shameful or unimportant. This is simply not true. Due to this we can feel ashamed of taking the time to figure out what we want during masturbation or asking for what we need during sex. Reliable Orgasm ResearchDr Laurie Mintz conducted a study where she asked women “What is your most reliable route to orgasm with a partner?” Here are the responses:
Orgasm Tip #1: Keep Your Clothes On!Women need time to warm up. One way to do this is to not get naked immediately. Have your partner tease you a bit with your clothes still on. This can include breast or genital contact if you like, but I wouldn’t start out with it. Have them touch or kiss your back, arms, legs, neck…you get the idea. Once you are starting to feel some arousal, consider continuing to keep your underwear on and have your partner touch you over your underwear. This creates a friction that can feel quite nice! After that consider “outcourse”. Remember when you were young and would grind with your girlfriend or boyfriend so that your genitals were touching but not penetrating? This is called outercourse and I’m here to tell you that even though you “can” have sex, outercourse should not be off your sexual repertoire. You can absolutely have an orgasm this way! Or at the very least get a really good build up before penetrative or other types of sex. Which brings me to my next point… Orgasm Tip #2: Different Vulvas like different types of stimulation in general – and at different times.The WHOLE vulva is a pleasure center, not just your clitoris. Your clitoris actually has internal structures that are behind your vulva, which means the whole thing is up for grabs to help you to your orgasm. My point? Constant or direct clitoral stimulation can be overwhelming sometimes and you may way to direct your partner to touch your entire vulva. Maybe when you’re first starting to become aroused you like gentle touch or more of a “teasing” type touch, and then once you get going you like more direct pressure. Maybe direct pressure is never your thing. Pay attention to what feels good and communicate it with your partner. Orgasm Tip #3: Make Your Orgasm Your JobThis might be hard to hear, but your partner is not responsible for your orgasm. It is your job to figure out what you like and to communicate it to your partner. Some women have an expectation that their partner is going to read their mind and should just know what to do to give them pleasure. This is not a helpful way of looking at things. Your partner can help create the right context for things to become pleasurable (Safety, love, emotional connection, etc) but if they don’t know what you like, how are they supposed to do it? Tell them, they will thank you. How do you figure out what you like? Experiment with different things. Experimenting with different types of touch, toys, visual aids, etc. during masturbation is a great low pressure way to figure this out. Orgasm Tip #4: Try Different Sex ToysLet’s face it- sex toys can be tough to finagle – especially if you haven’t used them before. Sometimes we can get lazy and not want to try something new due to the sometimes unsexy parts of trying to figure out how a new toy can work best for you. Try the toy first on your own. This will help you figure out how it’s going to work best for you, and how it might be able to work during partnered sex. Specific Sex Toys for Vulvas to TryClitoral Suction Toy: Read more about how to specifically use it on a previous blogpost of mine – including quotes from my friends on their experiences! This toy goes over your clitoris and gives suction to it that mimics oral sex. This toy would probably work best for you to use on yourself or have your partner use with you without trying to have penetration at the same time - but it isn’t impossible. If you have historically struggled to reach orgasm this is the toy you want. Dame Sex Toys. Dame is brand of sex toys that work very well with partnered sex.The “Fin”: A vibrator that you can wear on your finger or put in your hand in some way to stimulate the clitoris/vulva. You can use it in almost any position whether you are having penetration or not. Your partner can also be the one using it. The “Eva”: This one is a G A M E C H A N G E R. This is a hands-free vibrator that has flexible wings that tuck under the labia to stay in place during penetrative or other types of sex. It has 3 settings to work with. You may have to put it back into place a few times, but it mostly stays in place. Try it out on your own first so you know how to place it in a way that feels good for you. This is a very easy and smooth way to use a vibrator during penetrative sex. Remember: Your Pleasure, Your Orgasm MattersWhatever you try on this list remember that your pleasure is important. You don’t have to be embarrassed to tell your partner what you need in order to have optimal pleasure and orgasm. They will appreciate a woman who knows what she wants and will be happy to not have to read your mind. Once you figure out your orgasm formula you won’t have to work as hard to get there every time, and who doesn’t want some easy orgasms? Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?If you want some additional support to deal with feelings around this, past trauma or pain, consider talking with a professional. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow in 2021"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Difficulty with erection is probably one of the most common concerns I work with as a sex therapist. Erectile challenges affect a majority of men under 40 at some point in their lives and that number only grows after 40. For such a widespread problem, lack of or loss of erection is something we just do not talk about. Today we are going to talk about erections and what happens when a penis won't cooperate. I am writing both for people with penises that are not cooperating, as well as for those of you who might have a partner whose penis is having some difficulty. As a partner your response to lack of erection is hugely important and can do wonders to get things back on track. For either person, we need to begin by understanding why penises sometimes don't work when we want them to, and why we don't talk about it. Manhood: What does that mean for sexual health?Being raised as a man in our culture you learn early on that your penis is a primary factor of your manliness. As you hit puberty you learn that it's size and ability to become erect are also very important to your manliness. We learn that when you're turned on by something your penis will get hard. Many young women get these messages as well. We are then made to sit through a parade of jokes in movies and television where a man not being able to get an erection either means he's lost his manhood, or he's not attracted to the women he's trying to be intimate with. With these kinds of messages it's no wonder men don't want to talk about their difficulties with erection, even though most of them have dealt with the issue at some point. You're either losing your masculinity or risking directly insulting your partner by showing them that you don't find them attractive enough to get an erection. This leads many men to hide their difficulties from their partners and make excuses as to why things aren't working. Many often end up avoiding sex for fear they might have difficulty again. The problem with this is that none of is an accurate depiction of masculinity or how penises work. So starting the process of working through erectile dysfunction by throwing out these concepts is a good way to start. The next step is educating yourself on how this process really works, we'll do that now. Sexual Calculus: A Complicated Erection EquationSexual arousal is a complicated equation. Many times we only look at the outcome of that equation instead of the complete picture. Step one here is to think of the equation as "Turn Ons - Turn Offs = Arousal" Many people only think about the Turn Ons side of this equation and this can lead to a great deal of hurt. I hear this come up in sessions like this, "If my wife really found me attractive she'd initiate sex with me" or in this case "If my partner really thought I was sexy he would get an erection." In both of these cases we're missing half of the equation. If we look back at the last section we can identify a huge Turn Off that many men experience, especially if they've had difficulty with erection before. This turn off sounds like "If I can't get an erection my partner will think I'm not man, or I'm not attracted to her and she'll be very hurt." This is an incredibly powerful thought and a huge Turn Off. Let's take a look at how this thought takes over. This is the story I see with 99% of men who I help with erectile difficulties. The man is tired, drunk, or uncomfortable in some way, these Turn Offs add up to be bigger than his Turn Ons. This means no erection. This typically does not go well. Partners feel hurt or angry, the man feels great shame, and the sexual session ends on a bad note. Because we don't talk about these things the couple avoids the topic and just hopes things work next time. But when next time comes that thought is there waiting for him. "What if it happens again?" And all of the bad things that happened last time come flooding back, creating a massive Turn Off that is very hard to overcome. This fear leads to difficulty with erection happening again, and creating a brutal cycle of fear and failure. Taking the breaks into account lets us have a very different conversation with our partner that sounds something like, "I'm very attracted to you and would love to have sex, but I'm very afraid you'll be hurt or won't like me if this fear takes over." But we'll come back to solutions later. First I want to acknowledge one other piece of this complicated arousal equation. Non-Concordance: Arousal is ComplicatedNon-concordance is a term coined by researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski. She discusses it at length in her book "Come As You Are" which I highly recommend to anyone. Simply put, non-concordance describes the disconnect between what we want, and our bodies response. This happens to both men and women and in both directions of wanting and not wanting. A very simple a common example is the use of lubrication during sex. Sometimes a vagina simply does not have enough lubrication for comfortable penetration, despite what the owner of said vagina wants. Here it would be normal for most couples to use some lube without a second thought. Simple non-concordance. On theme with our post, sometimes a man very much wants to have sex but he body just doesn't respond and he struggles with erection. Now this also works in the opposite direction as I said. Sometimes we don't want to experience physiological arousal and we do. A common joke here is a man getting an erection when he has to stand up for a presentation, even though he's not aroused. A more difficult but power example is to look at people who have experienced sexual assault. Many people who are assaulted experience erection, lubrication, and orgasm. To suggest that they felt these things because they wanted to be assaulted would be horrific. Sometimes our bodies don't do what we want them to, and having acceptance for yourself and your partner on this topic can bring a great deal of trust, comfortability, and closeness to your sex life. Now What? How to Address Erection ConcernsI want to take a moment here to mention that physiological concerns can absolutely impact erection and it is always worth consulting a doctor to be sure you're ok physically. While there are many ways to start using all of this information to improve your challenges with erectile difficulty, I want to talk through the most simple and effective way to make changes. You're going to have to talk about it. Whether you're the one struggling or you're reading this for your partner, the best way to start moving forward is by talking about it. Let's break this conversation down. There are two key things we want to communicate. Why are we struggling with erection? And, what do we do when it happens? Breaking Down the Tough ConversationHopefully after reading through this you have a good idea of what Turn Off is getting in you or your partner's way. Step one is communicating this while being understanding of how difficulty with erection might be misinterpreted. If you're the one struggling this might sound like what I wrote previously, "I'm so turned on by you and excited to be with you, and every time we try I get so scared that it will go wrong that it throws a big break on getting an erection." If you're the partner in this situation you can acknowledge the pressure that your partner is feeling to "perform." Once both partners understand the why, we move to what to do. I tell all my clients who are struggling with this to just expect it to happen again. When it does the plan is to acknowledge it, process the feelings that are coming up, and then continue having a good time. This means you acknowledge "hey these thoughts are getting in my head again." Next, it is vital that the lack of erection in the moment be OK. It isn't good, it isn't bad, it's just ok. Spend some time in this space where there's no erection and it's ok, no one is hurt, intimacy isn't done. Hold each other, kiss, touch, but see that it is ok that there is no erection. Once you or your partner catches onto that feeling that "hey, this is fine" the fear starts to melt away. With the huge Turn Off of the fear gone, the Turn Ons that are still present can move the penis towards erection. It may take a couple of interactions where you see that it's OK before the fear fully passes. Be patient with yourself or your partner and make sex a safe and accepting space for them. If you're looking for more help my fellow therapists and I would love to work with you! Ready to Start Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT I consistently find myself asked by clients if their pornography use is a problem. Or, they show up to my office already having decided that it is. The real answer here is it depends, and it's up to you. Now that doesn't sound very helpful, so let's look at a number of ways pornography does cause problems. We'll also look at times when the problem isn't porn, and give you a few tips for other things to work on instead, in addition to, cutting out porn. The bottom line is that if you want to cut out porn use because you don't like it, that's all the reason you need. The other side is, if you want to keep porn in your sex life but are worried it's causing problems, there might be other things to take a look at before cutting it out. Let's take a look at problems first. Unhealthy Pornography UseThere are a couple concerns with pornography that tend to make up most cases. The first is compulsive use. Compulsive sexual behavior is often caused by a need to cover up some current or past hurt. When someone is feeling bad, looking at pornography causes some of our most core body systems to release feel good chemicals in our brain. The problem here is that people often just keep taking another hit of the porn to cover up their pain instead of actually resolving their problems. So the first question in the "is my porn use a problem?" series is, are you using the positive feelings from porn to cover up less than pleasant feelings? The next primary issue I see with porn use is when people lose touch with the separation between the fantasy that is pornography, and the reality of sex. This can lead to all sorts of problems, from trying to do sexual acts or positions that are just not comfortable for anyone, to feeling bad about the way you or your partners bodies look. If you're expecting your sex life to look like porn then there might be a problem for you. This problem, however, doesn't mean you need to cut out porn. It means you need to get in touch with what separates porn from real sex. The last major issue I get asked about when it comes to pornography is overstimulation. This one is tricky because it's easy for other problems to hide under the guise of excessive porn use. If the other above mentioned issues are the main problem then it makes most sense to focus on those. If you’re only problem is using porn more than you are being intimate with a partner and you think it’s causing desensitization – you could be right. In this case, just take a break from pornography for a bit to see how it goes. It's Not You: It's MeProbably the most common reason people, men in particular, come to me with concerns about their porn use, is because they're afraid it's impacting their ability to perform with their partner. It means they're afraid it's impacting their ability to get an erection without porn. However, the vast majority of the time it's not the porn that's the problem, it's your own head. The inability to get an erection, or the loss of one, can be an absolutely terrifying experience for many men. They worry about impotence, their partner being angry, their partner being hurt, what if it happens again? These thoughts can absolutely overwhelm many men, and it leads them to look for whatever culprit they can find to fix the problem. The blame often lands on porn and they tell themselves, “maybe if I cut out porn I'll be able to become erect for my partner again.” The problem here is that this is focusing on the wrong problem The Whole Package...Well, PictureWhen we think about how to get an erection, most people just think about "turn ons", what sexy thing do we need to do to create an erection. The problem is that this is a limited approach, it doesn't take into account turn offs." The real "equation for erection" is this:Turn ons - Turn offs = erection/no erection. We need a positive result from this equation to achieve erection. Many men think that by cutting out porn they can build up some sexual charge so that when it comes time for sex that charge blasts through the turn offs they're not thinking about. The problem with this is that turn offs are always stronger. Some hyperbole can help this make sense. If you put a man in a room containing his ultimate sexual fantasy, but also tell him his parents are watching, nothing is going to happen. Even the ultimate fantasy is completely blocked by turn offs. So instead of cutting out porn to give a small temporary boost to turn ons, focus on the real issue of the turn offs that are causing the problem with erection. Fear of Not Getting An ErectionFor many men, this turn off is easy to identify. It is the absolutely overwhelming fear that you won't be able to get an erection the next time you have sex, masturbate, or ever. This fear creates a massive wall of turn off that can feel insurmountable. The good thing is through some work to reframe how we see and approach sex, we can completely remove that fear, remove the turn off, empower you to feel safe with your own body, and feel confident in your ability to enjoy sex with yourself or anyone else. Porn, Sex, Erections and Understanding Yourself FirstSo, let's wrap this all up. If you don't want to use porn because you think it's wrong, unethical, or anything else, you have every right to cut it out. You don't even need a reason. However, if you enjoy porn but are worried it's causing problems for you, there are a number of things to be aware of. Don't use porn as a coping skill for covering up hurt, don't forget that pornography is a business selling fantasy, don't use porn as a guide for what real sex is like, and don't expect yourself or your partner to look like porn professionals. Most of all, don't let porn cover up bigger underlying issues that won't be resolved just by cutting out porn. Talking to a professional can be a great way to find out more clearly if porn is causing problems for you. We offer free 30 minute consultations if you want to dive further into these concerns than I've discussed in this blog. Take care of yourself and enjoy responsibly. Curious About Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT No matter how this information gets to you, it can be one of the most challenging and overwhelming moments in your life. The statistics can be hard to define because not everyone is going to admit to cheating, but studies show that anywhere from 20% to 40% of marriages experience infidelity. This number goes up a great deal if we include emotional affairs as well. It's important to know that you're not alone in this, because it can be very easy to feel like you've just had everything taken from you. It can also be easy to feel completely lost as to what to do next. Today we'll take a look at some good first steps and things to keep in mind to make sure moving forward can be just a little bit easier. You've Discovered the Affair: What First?Many people feel that they need to make a decision right away on if they're going to stay and work on the relationship or leave. You don't have to make any big decisions right away. Learning about an affair can send anyone into a state of shock where you're not yourself. In these blogs I usually try to give as much advice as possible to make healthy changes without needing a therapist, but this is one instance where talking to a professional as soon as possible is very important. One of the most valuable things a therapist provides is perspective. Perspective from a professional who isn't a close friend or family member, someone who isn't tangled up in all of the systems of your life. They can help you process these big decisions about staying or leaving, and help you take your time in coming to a decision that you feel good about. Another thing to remember is that choosing to stay and work on things doesn't have to be a permanent choice. It's much easier to give things a shot for a couple months and then decide to leave than to file for divorce and then decide you still want to try and work on things. If you're going to work on things, then beginning couples’ therapy right away is also very important. It's also important to note that sometimes your partner might decide they're leaving and make that choice for themselves. In this case there is still a great deal of helpful information here to help you take care of yourself in the best way possible. Infidelity Causes Questions...Lots of QuestionsOne other thing that always comes up right away is questions. You will find yourself with a million questions about the affair. You deserve to have your questions answered but it's very important to pay attention to what kinds of questions you're asking. As a rule of thumb questions about details are going to do more harm than good. Hearing every detail and being a detective about every piece of the affair is only going to hurt. Learning more broad information such as who was the affair with, how long did it go on, and generally how far did things go, is fair and helpful information to know. The biggest question however, is usually why? Why is a really big question with a very important answer, we're going to come back to it at the end. You Deserve Support After the AffairAs I mentioned above finding support needs to be a priority, and right now your best support probably isn't your partner. After an affair is discovered many partners become so overwhelmed by feelings of shame for their actions that they find it difficult to be helpful as supports. They'll need to work through this in their own therapy so they can show up for you, but for now it's good to seek help from others. A therapist is good start and from here it's ok to put a little thought into who you want to share this information with. It can absolutely feel difficult or shameful to share that your partner had an affair, so choosing close friends or family that you know will show up for you is important. Many partners may try to set boundaries on who you're allowed to talk to about this, but right now you deserve the support you need. There is also a myriad of support groups for partners who have been cheated on, hearing the stories and support of other people in your position can be very helpful. Regardless of who you go to for support, no one gets to tell you how you should be feeling or reacting to the situation. The #1 Question: Why?Earlier I said we would come back to the question of "why did you have an affair?" and here we are. This can be a very difficult question for a couple of reasons. The first is that your partner might not have a good answer. People's reasons for cheating are usually complex emotional knots and can be hard to identify let alone express; this is another spot where your partner doing their own therapy is a huge help. The other reason this can be a difficult question and answer is because it can bring things back to the relationship or to you. The two primary reasons I see affairs happen in my work are these: One, the person has such great internal pain that they use the affair like a drug, a quick hit of intense validation, that quickly fades and ultimately increases their internal pain, leading them to need another hit of their drug. Two, their needs aren't being met in the relationship and so they look outside of the relationship to get their needs met. This can be very hard to hear because it can feel like the blame for the affair is being laid at your feet. This is not your fault. The decision to cheat always lies with the person who chose to do it. There are always other options, from voicing that needs aren't being met and working to improve the relationship, to just choosing to leave. Your partner accepting full responsibility for their actions is a necessary step to moving forward. Regardless, “Why?” can be a difficult question and answer to work through. Your partner may not fully understand the why themselves, or it may stem from things both of you need to work on in the relationship. Either way, finding the right answer to why leads to hope. There is Hope, Even After an AffairWhen you know why the affair happened, you and your partner can truly work to move forward. The first step in therapy is working through the pain of the betrayal and working to rebuild trust. Once this begins to feel better, we can start truly addressing the why. By working to resolve why the affair happened, we resolve large underlying problems that have been wreaking havoc on the relationship, sometimes for years or decades. The couples I see work through an affair come out stronger, happier, and healthier. I would in no way suggest that affairs are good things, but when you choose to work forward through one, you can come out happier than you were before. Interested in Starting Therapy for Infidelity in Plymouth, MN?Don’t wait any longer to get the help you need to deal with infidelity. Our Gottman marriage counseling experts and sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to therapy for infidelity, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Want to extend the sexual experience? Prolong your orgasm? This is a problem that men often struggle with.First, let me say, your length of intercourse is probably more normal than you think. The average length of penetrative penis in vagina intercourse is around 3-7 minutes. In fact, in order to qualify for early ejaculation disorder in the diagnostic and statistical manual (DSM) 5th edition, you would have to be ejaculating regularly in less than a minute. With that being said, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to last a little longer - it can give you more build up and ultimately a better orgasm, and it can help your partner enjoy more time as well. Here are some tips to extend the experience. Lasting Longer in Bed: Tip #1
Tip #2: Notice Your Arousal LevelsSo, while you’re getting into your body and into your sensations take gentle and non-critical noticing of your arousal level. Rate your arousal on a scale of 1-10. Anything above a 7 means you should back off whatever you’re doing just a little, which doesn’t mean stop, it means don’t keep going as hard and fast and slow down. Anything below a 7 just means keep enjoying! We are taught to get really excited quickly about sex, but it goes better if you can build your arousal levels slowly. This helps you to slow, enjoy the experience, and hopefully last a little longer! Also, never start penetration at a 9/10 arousal level. Or for some people maybe over 8/10. This means you’re highly aroused and more likely to ejaculate quickly due to that high arousal and excitement. Try to penetrate at about a 7-8 arousal level. Tip #3: R-E-L-A-X Your Pelvis
Tip #4 for Lasting Longer in Bed: Talk About ItTalk to your partner. Share your feelings, anxieties, and shame about this. You’d be surprised what getting this out will do for you. Likely you are assuming all kinds of things your partner is thinking about your sex life. Stop assuming. Share and ask! Tip #5: Talk to Your Doctor About Sexual ConcernsTalk to your doctor. There can be biological/medical causes to this issue and best to talk to your doctor to rule them out. These can include: Abnormal hormone levels, abnormal levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, inflammation/infection, and more. No Pressure...Quickies Are Sexy Too!These are some of the things you can try to last longer in bed but remember - sometimes there’s really nothing like a quickie too! There’s room for all kinds of sex. Give these things a try and see how it goes! Curious About Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT It's never fun talking about difficult topics or have arguments in your relationship. Many tend to avoid them as much as possible. Sex, in particular, is hard to talk about - it's such an innately vulnerable subject. It's no wonder then that many couples just accept mediocre or declining sex as part of any long-term relationship. People assume that intimacy just fades with time, libido dies off, raising children gets in the way, etc. Many also assume that they, or their partner, should just know how to have good sex and there should be no need to talk about it, inside or outside of the bedroom. Almost all topics in the sexual realm, however, can be solved by just talking to your partner about it, or doing a little self-reflection. What Sex Education Really Should BeToday we'll look at some sex education 101 (what sex education really should be, not just here's a biology lesson and a stick of deodorant, welcome to puberty). I'll split things into three parts, our minds, bodies, and how to put the two together. Learning to Drive, Sex DriveMost of the time it's our mind where we get turned on and this leads to our body following suit. Knowing what helps and hinders getting you into the mood is of the utmost importance then. In a recent meeting, our clinic director Amanda made an offhand comment that for many women the question "What turns you on?" is a very unfair one. As a man I've been bombarded with messages about sexual fantasy, turn-ons, and sexual contexts since before I hit puberty. We're encouraged to discuss with our peers and engage in this fantasy through movies, tv, and other forms of media. But apart from seeing all the guys take their shirts off when I watch the bachelorette with my partner, I don't see much of this exposure for women. On top of lack of exposure, sexuality and fantasy can be discouraged for women (at least until they're in the bedroom with a partner and expected to know what turns them on). So, whoever you are, how do you take the journey of discovery to find what works for you? Your 101 homework for this step is to explore past sexual experiences to pull out what creates a positive sexual context for you. Think of the best sex you've ever had, then look at every possible facet of what made it good. How did you feel about yourself? How did you feel about your partner? How had your day been? Where were you? Next, do the same thing with bad sex that you've had. What we're looking for here are the contributing factors to what made it good or bad. What we really want are not specific things but big ideas. Maybe some of the best sex you've had was outdoors. OK, what about it being outdoors was sexy? Maybe it was that there was a little fear of getting caught and that was exciting for you. From here you have a start on your turn-ons and your turn-offs. Now for what's potentially the hardest part of this exercise: You've got to talk about it with your partner. Arming yourself and your partner with this information allows both of you to work to create these positive sexy contexts that will lead to more frequent, and better, sex. It also allows you to avoid or work past negative contexts that aren't helping your love life. We all want to know what helps our partner get into this space and our partners want to know what helps us. Let's Get PhysicalBodies are kind of a requirement for sexual activity. Everyone's body is different so learning about your own is extremely important. Most people begin the sexual exploration of their own bodies through masturbation. If the idea of that is making you a little uncomfortable, then you're in the right place - keep reading. If you're more than comfortable with masturbation, stick around because we've got a lot to add. What we're looking for when exploring our own bodies, either through masturbation or simple touch, is simply what feels good and what doesn't. This is where the context we discussed comes into play. If you're lying on the bed touching yourself, you're not going to feel much, sexual or otherwise. That feeling of being turned on in your mind changes how the touch feels. Something that might feel ticklish when you're not aroused suddenly feels enticing. Something that numb normally gets transformed into a feeling of pleasure. As a man, the simplest example of this is going to the bathroom. A guy using a urinal feels no sexual pleasure at touching himself. That same touch in bed with his partner suddenly takes on a whole new feeling because the context has changed. So, our 101 challenge for this section is to put yourself in that sexual context and explore your body. See what feels good, what feels bad, what feels great. Not only does this take time to learn about yourself, it changes as we grow and age. As I said earlier, masturbation is a fantastic way to love yourself by learning what works for you. Create a safe and comfortable environment, engage those sexual contexts, and just sit back and take your time exploring. There's no rush. No one needs anything from you. You don't have to orgasm, and you're not responsible for anyone else's orgasm. You deserve this. If masturbation still feels like a big stretch for you, this can also be a great activity to do on your own just before being intimate with your partner (or even with your partner), as long as you stick to the mantras I just listed. Once you've begun learning this information about yourself, or if you already know it, we come back to the final step of these exercises which is talking to your partner about it! Again, all of our partners should be excited to hear this from us. We're learning together how to connect better, pleasure better, and create a lasting and healthy sexual relationship. Putting It TogetherYou've already got a start on combining these concepts by creating a sexual context for physical self-exploration. Here's a great way to really get into using these tools together. As I’ve already mentioned, talking to your partner about all of this is key - they need to understand what you're trying to accomplish by working with these things. In this case, you can improve the quality of sex through attention to thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations that are pleasurable for you. Next what we want to do is create what I would call a "practice sex" space in your relationship. Most couples see sex as something that always has to be great, passionate, and natural. This doesn't leave a lot of room to explore, communicate, try new things, or have challenges or difficulties. By creating and entering a practice sex space with your partner, you can try all of these fun new things without the pressure of needing the experience to be great or passionate. So how do you do this? More conversation! This sounds something like, "Hey babe, let's have some fun tonight but I just want to focus on learning and trying new things without needing to get to penetration, orgasm, or for things to be amazing." I like to use the metaphor of riding a bike: When you go for a bike ride in the park, you go to enjoy the ride and take in the experience. But to do this you have to have spent the time learning to ride the bike and feel confident in the environment. Use this practice space once in a while to grow confidence and practice so that when you want to have really great sex, you can focus on the experience instead of riding the bike. Curious About Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?If all of this sounds interesting to you and you'd like to improve the intimacy side of your relationship, then working with one of our therapists can be a great way to move forward! Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Whether you're reading this because your infidelity was just uncovered or you're looking to see what your partner should be doing after you've discovered their infidelity, this is a great place to start. Many resources and guides exist for those who have been betrayed; we have a great starting point here. Those who have been found out often feel just as lost and directionless, and you deserve guidance too. What we'll take a look at today is “How do we move forward?” Hopefully this means working to heal your relationship and yourself, but know that even if your relationship is over, there is work to be done to heal yourself and secure a healthy future. I see three main pieces to moving forward: managing the crisis of the moment, identifying and resolving underlying causes of the infidelity, and healing the relationship. ArmageddonFor many people, the idea of cheating is never something they considered would happen to them or something they would do. No one enters into a relationship or marriage planning to cheat. Unfortunately, many couples experience infidelity in some form over the course of their relationship. Whether you've been having a long-term affair or cheated once, it can feel like you've been sitting on a time bomb that could go off at any moment, constantly building up more explosive force. So, when it does go off, it feels like the end of your world. Everyone Involved Needs SupportThe first thing to know is that both you and your partner need support. Reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist is necessary. Many people want to hide their infidelity at first from the people close to them; a therapist is a great resource in this case. I would also recommend finding a support group for both the betrayed partner and the partner who did the betraying. Hearing other's experiences and that you're not alone can be a tremendous help. As the one who did the cheating, if you want to save your relationship, it's important to show right away that you're willing to put in the work to make things better. This means actively seeking out therapy, support groups, reading books, and showing up for your partner. Emotional ExplosionsThis brings us to the explosive part of this bomb going off - and that's your partner's emotions. They've got a lot of big emotions right now and the right to express them. Normally most of us have no problem listening to and supporting our partners. However, when the anger and hurt are pointed at you, it triggers an overwhelming feeling of shame that can cause you to shut down, walk away, or even get angry in return. Learning to manage and process this shame is a key component to successfully moving forward. A good starting point is to try and shift that shame into guilt. This sounds like changing "I'm a bad person" into "I did a bad thing." All of the focus may be on your partner as the one who is hurt, and right now the focus does need to be on their hurt. This doesn't mean that you don't get to hear that this is a hard process with a lot of hurt and hard feelings to process on your side too. That's why getting support for yourself as well is so important. The BIG Question: "Why?"“Why?” is the single biggest question you're going to hear or want to ask. The answer to this question is critical. People don't cheat for no reason. Sex is great, but not worth ruining a good relationship or marriage over. Infidelity happens for many reasons, but usually because something is broken. That might be something that is broken internally, or it might be something that's broken in the relationship. An example of something broken internally might be that you've had trauma in your past, bad parental relationships, or a terrible previous relationship. This can leave you feeling something that sounds like "I'm not lovable" or "I'm not good enough." Because these are internal problems, external things like having a great loving partner can't fix them, but you still feel the pain of that hurt and the pain drives you to find anything that can act as a salve. Affairs act like a drug in this case: it's a huge hit of "You're lovable" or "You're wanted" but it soon fades, and you need another hit to stop the pain. This is a big internal issue to work through, but it's a much more honest answer than "I couldn't resist temptation." Something also might be broken in the relationship. Maybe you and your partner have grown further and further apart without taking the steps to fix it. Your connection emotionally, sexually, or both is broken and your needs aren't being met. I want to be very clear on this: regardless of what needs aren't being met in the relationship, the choice to cheat is your own and anything less than complete ownership of this choice isn't going to help. However, recognizing how both people may have had a hand in pushing you towards that choice can be necessary to identify and resolve these underlying causes of infidelity. Working together, or with a therapist, to identify just what caused the infidelity and how to fix it internally, or between the two of you, is a necessary step in moving forward. Time Heals All WoundsThis is one of my favorite and least favorite quotes in therapy. Time absolutely can help couples get through anything; I've seen it happen many times. The thing is, it's not the time that's healing: it's what you choose to do with the time that is given to you. One of the biggest things you can do to heal, especially in the beginning, is just listen to your partner's hurt and validate their feelings. Brené Brown has a fantastic clip on empathy and how to validate here: Using this model to hear and validate your partner is a step you'll take a thousand times. Be ready to hear the same things and have the same conversations over and over again. But know that every time you can listen and validate, you're chipping away at the massive ball of hurt your partner is now carrying around. As I said above, this is hard because your partner's hurt and anger may trigger your own shame about your choices. You need to be spending some of your own time processing those feelings of shame. (I can't say this enough.) ShameThe number one thing I see get in the way of couples healing from infidelity is the shame of the partner who did the cheating. It acts as a block to the betrayed partner getting to share their feelings and start healing. One other great way to start the healing process is by beginning to rebuild trust. Right now, there is no trust, so proof of trustworthiness (or as close as you can get to it) is really helpful. This can mean shifting boundaries into a place that may not be healthy when the relationship is healed. For example, many couples choose to give the betrayed full access to their partner’s phone whenever they're feeling afraid. This gives your partner the chance to show themselves that nothing is happening right now and calm their fear and rebuild trust. Most people don't want to have to do things like this, and drop it as soon as trust is rebuilt, but it can help you get there. Overall this is an absolutely overwhelming mountain to try and climb alone, but with the right support you can move forward. Many couples and individuals find their relationship in a stronger and healthier place than before the affair even happened. By working to resolve underlying problems in yourself and in your relationship, you create a stronger, healthier future. Interested in Starting Therapy for Infidelity in Plymouth, MN?Don’t wait any longer to get the help you need to deal with infidelity. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to therapy for infidelity, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT How many orgasms are you missing out on a week? A month?What do I even mean by this? Women are missing out on orgasms for one simple reason: An unrealistic expectation of how orgasms are supposed to happen.Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to say comparison is the thief of all joy. I don’t really think she was talking about orgasms when she said this but she could’ve been. Women often get stuck in what orgasms are supposed to look like. We are inundated with media and pop culture that shows us a man is supposed to climb on top of a woman and within seconds or minutes she’s having a mind blowing orgasm. Will let me be the first to tell you this is not how it goes for most women. As a sex therapist who is talked with hundreds of women over the last 10+ years about how they reach orgasm, I feel confident in saying I know that this is not how most women get there. And even if you are one of those women who can reach orgasm with penis in vagina intercourse, you’re still missing out on orgasms. It is much easier for a woman to reach an orgasm if she has had the proper sexual build up to that orgasm, along with having adequate clitoral stimulation. So even if you are reaching orgasm in other ways you could be reaching orgasm much more by incorporating build up and clitoral stimulation. Orgasm: Breaking Down the Build UpWhat do I mean by build up? I thought you’d never ask. The Build UpBuild up can look different for different women - but keep one thing in mind. It takes the average woman around 10-15 minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm. This is in contrast to men who average 3-7 minutes. With this in mind think of these few tips for helping yourself or your female partner "build” to orgasm
Feeling confused about what feels good for women?I highly recommend the book She Comes First by Ian Kerner. It will help teach you all you need to know about female anatomy and pleasure. While taking your time do things that feel good and try to keep it at an arousal level that is on the higher end, but remember that you don’t need to be at a 10/10 arousal level or even close to build arousal. If it feels good, keep doing it, and watch arousal build over time. This is also where expectations come in. Try not to expect that your arousal will go the same every time Or that it’ll look like the movies. Arousal and desire are can be a finicky thing. What feels good right now might now feel good in 3 minutes, or 5 seconds, or tomorrow. You get my drift. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Don’t let expectations be the thief of your orgasm joy any longer! Take time to build your arousal and do what feels good to you. If you want some additional support to deal with feelings around this, past trauma or pain, consider talking with a professional. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD LP Low libido is the number one reason why people reach out to a sex therapist. It’s a common complaint and it can negatively impact both individuals and their partners. This issue cuts across gender, culture, age, ability, religion, and sexual orientation. It can affect most partnerships at some time or another. When this happens, so many people feel stuck in their pattern, unsure of what to do about it. Here are some important things to know when your sexual desire feels low. There is More Than One Way to Look at DesireThere are two types of sexual desire. Spontaneous desire is the one we’re most familiar with. It’s the one we assume to be “normal.” It’s shown to us in movies and television. Spontaneous desire is the idea that desire should just spontaneously occur, without effort. While this is certainly one way that people experience desire, there’s also another pathway to desire called responsive desire. First introduced by Dr. Rosemary Basson, this pathway to desire describes how desire can happen in response to a specific stimulus or preferred context. Here’s an example of the two types of desire. Let’s say you’re sitting on the couch doing some work on your laptop and suddenly a sexual fantasy or image appears in your mind. You think to yourself, “I feel like having sex.” It didn’t seem to be prompted by anything in particular in your environment. It just emerged on its own. That is spontaneous desire. Now, let’s imagine that you’re sitting on that same couch doing some work on your laptop, and suddenly your partner comes to sit next to you and starts kissing your neck and caressing you. Prior to them coming to sit with you, sex wasn’t on your mind, but once they started touching you, you think to yourself, “I feel like having sex.” That’s responsive desire. These two pathways to desire are both normal and valid. They’re just different. It’s very common for us, as sex therapists, to meet couples where they have different pathways to desire, e.g. one partner experiences more spontaneous desire and the other experiences more responsive desire. When that’s the case, what do you do? There is no Wrong Way to Experience DesireMany times when people come to see a sex therapist for low desire, what they actually find out is that they don’t have low libido as they thought, but actually just need the right stimulus to experience desire (responsive desire). They learn that when they are presented with a sexual context that is appealing to them, they experience interest or arousal. If you find that you have a more responsive sexual desire style, here are some things you can do with that:
You Are Normal!Something to keep in mind is that low desire is relative. Perhaps you don’t have low desire, and may just have responsive desire. Or, perhaps you don’t have low desire, and it’s just that your desire is different from that of your partner. Whatever the case may be, please know that you are not “broken”. Your desire is likely a problem that does not need to be fixed, but something to be curious about and explore. Your sexuality is normal and so are you. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Don’t wait any longer to get sex therapy for low libido. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Do you have a hunch that some past trauma is impacting your ability to have connected and fulfilling sex?You’re not alone! No matter how recent or long ago you experienced a trauma, until it is fully processed you may experience it impacting many areas of your life, and particular with your sex life.Trauma is, unfortunately, one thing that's very hard to get past without professional help. Getting past trauma, though, can allow you to take your sex life back or even find it in the first place. There are many different types of trauma but for the purposes of this blog post I will be focusing on sexual trauma. What is Trauma?There's a myth that only soldiers fighting in a war can experience trauma, and especially that only soldiers can be diagnosed with PTSD. The first thing I want to be very clear on is that you, and no one else, get to determine if events in your life have been traumatic. I see so many people further hurt after traumatic experiences due to people in their lives, even close friends and family, telling them that their experiences, "weren't that bad" or "at least it didn't go farther" or "get over it." If something was traumatic for you, then no one gets to tell you otherwise. I define trauma as any experience, or persistent experiences, that leave us with an ingrained negative belief about ourselves. Coming from sexual trauma this might sound like, "I'm worthless," "I'm not good enough," "I am weak/powerless," or "I should have known better," to name a few. These negative beliefs attach themselves to traumatic experiences and don't go away until those traumatic experiences are processed in a healthy way. This might be six months or fifty years. When it comes to trauma, the old adage, "Time heals all wounds" is simply not true. Due to chemicals released in the brain and circumstances following trauma, traumatic memories do not get processed and filed away like normal memories. This means that they float around on the surface and are easily triggered by day to day events or in our specific case, sexual intimacy. So, let's take a look at how trauma can impact sex. Trauma Wounds Can Block Healthy SexualityThe short answer is that trauma impacts sex in a myriad of ways. Let's break it down and look at some of the primary ones. Again, if it feels like any of this is happening to you, there might be trauma involved. Trauma impacts everyone differently but two common responses to sexual trauma are (1) complete avoidance of sex, or overwhelming negative about yourself or the act itself during sex, and (2) Using sex as a primary interaction or way of connecting with people. If we look at these from our perspective of negative beliefs, it's easy to understand where these reactions are coming from. The first derives from a powerful feeling of being unsafe. Sex is a supremely vulnerable act, and when your safety is taken away it feels unthinkable to engage in it. Even with these feelings, some people feel they have a responsibility or expectation to be sexual with their partners. This leads to intense negative feelings during sex and can lead to dissociation. This can also lead to negative feelings about a partner who is doing the real or perceived pushing of expectation. On a less intense level, someone might avoid sex because they feel like they're not good enough to be wanted by their partner, wouldn't know what to do or be good at it, or feel like they're gross, making it extremely hard to feel sexy and aroused. This can even make any physical affection with a partner feel scary because it might lead to or create pressure for sex. At the other end of the spectrum, some people respond to sexual trauma with highly increased and sometimes risky sexual interaction. While this may be the other end of the spectrum in terms of action, the action is still being driven by negative beliefs about self. In this case, it likely sounds like, "I'm only valued for my body." We all need to feel valued, so this puts people in a difficult spot. Taking Your Life Back With EMDR TherapyThere are several trauma therapies out there, but the most efficacious and evidenced based practice is EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR uses eye movements to activate our brain's natural processing systems work through trauma in the safe environment of a therapy session. EMDR was originally developed using eye movements (hence the name), but these days therapists can also use sounds and physical stimulation to create the same effect. It's all up to your preference. What this bi-lateral stimulation does is connect up your trauma memories to the processing part of your brain, allowing you to actively process trauma and finally move past it. The amazing thing about EMDR is that once you've gotten through processing, it's done. Memories don't unprocess themselves. Once you're through processing, you'll work with your therapist to install new positive beliefs about yourself in place of the negative ones, and plan for how you might deal with triggering situations in the future so you can move forward in life feeling confident that you can take back your sex life, or just your life in general! These positive beliefs might sound like:
I have many clients contact me during our COVID-19 lockdown stating that they really want to do EMDR but thought that they would be unable to, due to therapists operating through telehealth. I can say that our therapists are happy to engage in electronic EMDR with you and technology has provided several ways to make that happen. If working through your trauma and taking back your sex life sounds like a positive, there's no better time than the present! Considering EMDR for Sexual Trauma Therapy in Plymouth, MN?EMDR for sexual trauma might be a good fit for you. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Have you seen the new Netflix series “Bridgerton”?If you have you know that there is some serious sexual tension and build up between the two main characters that results in some extremely steamy sex scenes. For those of you who haven’t seen it – it is a period drama about a girl from a wealthy family looking for someone to marry and the scandalous things that ensue for her and her family. It also includes lots of sex and sexy scenes sure to give you a little titillation – or at least entertainment! Empowering Female Sexuality without PatriarchySomething that makes this show interesting is that the main character, Daphne, is finding her sexuality for the time – and doesn’t have social media and friends telling her what to expect. That can seem scary, and I bet it was, but what she doesn’t have to deal with is the BS societal expectations that have come to be about what a woman’s sexuality is “supposed” to look like behind closed doors. Certainly she has the societal expectation that she be “pure” and proper until she gets married – but once she is she’s allowed to explore her sexuality in whatever ways feel naturally good to her instead of trying to adhere to the patriarchal societal expectations. Even as Daphne “touches herself” for the first time she’s doing it completely not knowing what masturbation is. Can you imagine just being able to masturbate without fears around what is “supposed” to look and feel like?! How freeing! An Accessible Option to ArouseWomen don’t tend to be as “visual” as men and don’t always include watching porn as a part of their regular masturbation routine. However, most women do respond in some way to visual stimuli that is arousing to them. What I like about this his show is very accessible and easy to watch, has some very titillating sexual scenes, and it’s not as “out there” or “raunchy” as much of the main stream porn. This series is basically a romance novel made into a series – and I know many women like to jump start arousal by reading romance novel or two. What I also know about many women is that it takes responsive desire to build arousal and wanting and that it doesn’t just happening spontaneously. This means we have to have a stimulus of something to jump start that arousal. In long term relationship we have to get more creative about those stimuli in order to maintain a healthy and consistent sexual relationship. This stimulus can be anything from your partner kissing you, seeing your partner excel at something, having a romantic moment with your partner, etc. It can also be from something more obviously sexual like a romance novel, erotic, porn, etc. Or…BRIDGERTON! Okay… but what do I do exactly?So here’s what I suggest. Make yourself your relaxing drink of choice (wine, tea, etc) and sit down and watch this show and pay attention to what happens for you during some of the sexy scenes. This can be some of the more “sexual tension building” type scenes to the first time they have sex. Some of the best buildups include when they are fighting sexual tension while dancing formally together, stolen glances, barely touch hands while looking at a painting together, and Daphne watching the Duke’s sweaty well defined muscles at the boxing ring and obviously being turned on. If you want to jump ahead to any scenes, the first sex scene can be found here. (Age restricted, per YouTube) Paying Attention While Watching "Lady Porn"Paying attention to your bodyWhat do I mean by this? Notice what scenes give you a mental, or physical reaction, and what scenes leave you engaging in fantasy about what it may be like to be a person in that scene. Mental ArousalMental arousal includes thinking positive sexual thoughts like “ooo that’s kinda hot” or “he’s really sexy”. FantasizingFantasizing can be as simple as imaging yourself as one of the characters becoming engulfed while dancing and enjoying that romance and sexual build up, or more elaborate and walking yourself through a sex scene imagining you are the one engaging in the act. While doing this you might imagine what each part would feel like to experience yourself. Physical ArousalPhysical arousal is noticing what is happening in your body. This can include:
Take Notice and Enjoy Your SexualityIf you notice any of these things happening – lean into them and try to build upon them. Start touching yourself and see what happens. Or, bring your partner in on the fun and let them touch you. And…go from there! Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Maybe this sounds interesting to you, but there's a reason you can't imagine trying it out. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg-Sasek, MS LMFT Self love, or masturbation, means taking time for yourself and your individual sexual needs. There are many ways to give yourself pleasure at the individual level and this doesn’t always have to be done with the goal of an orgasm. More on that later. First, I want to discuss what is important to discuss with your partner and why. Why do I need to discuss my masturbation habits with my partner? Isn’t that my own business?Yes - it is your business and you are entitled to privacy on this issue should you need it. However, there are some reasons to consider on why you may want to include your partner at least somewhat on your individual sexual escapades. 3 Reasons to Talk to Your Partner About MasturbationReason #1: It’s a pandemic and couples are almost always home together right now.Getting time to masturbate may have to be communicated so you can have your privacy without worrying a child or partner is going to interrupt. Asking for this may look something like, “Hey love (partner), I want to make sure I am getting time by myself right now with everything going on. Sometimes that may include some self-love to meet my sexual needs. I’d also like you to have this time. How can we best make that happen? Is there a specific way you want me to communicate with you when I need this?” Feeling nervous about having this conversation? Remember that masturbation is normal and healthy. It can be a little awkward to talk about at first, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to talk about a basic need like this with your partner. In fact, as awkward as it may sound, talking about masturbation can actually improve your relationship! Reason 2: Communication about sex and masturbation will often increase intimacy and connection.You don’t have to give all the details if you don’t feel comfortable, but communicating that you do masturbate and what you get from that will likely bring you and your partner closer. To illustrate this, here is an example: You have been wanting to explore how you can reach orgasm more easily with yourself and partner and are doing this via some exploration with your masturbation. If your partner has no clue this is happening, they don’t know to ask what they can do to incorporate what you’re doing and don’t know how to best support you when you bring something different into your sex life. Telling your partner you tried out a new toy or touching technique and that you want to bring that into your partnered sex is hot! And them knowing your body better will help you feel even closer. Reason #3: Let’s stop making masturbation the dirty little secret of relationships.Masturbation is one of those things that once talked about, it’s usually no big deal. If it’s NEVER talked about; then once someone stumbles upon finding out their partner does in fact have a sex life with themselves, it can feel like they were keeping a secret and possibly even feel like a betrayal. If you’ve never told your partner that you enjoy masturbation it can feel like this secret you need to keep from your partner - and secret keeping is never a good idea. Let me give you an example of what starting this conversation might look like: “Hey love (partner), I thought we should talk about our sex life and particularly our sex life with ourselves. It’s sort of a weird thing but we never talk about masturbation. It’s a pretty common thing and I think it’s perfectly normal and natural to do it and I do this with some regularity. What about you? And how do you feel about this conversation? Do you have any questions for me? We don’t need to go into all the details if we decide it isn’t relevant but I think it’s good to know where each partner is at at a basic level with this topic.” If the goal of working on some sexual needs is part of what’s finding you needing some self-love time, remember that you will likely need to be intentional about this time. Self-love/masturbation is a great and low pressure time to work on improving your sex life. You may want to work on reaching or delaying orgasm, or practice relaxing and enjoying pleasure. In order to do that, let your partner know you need this time and you’d love their support. They will ultimately benefit from you having this time and you can always return the favor! Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?These conversations may take a little extra help to navigate. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Sex is intimate, personal and important to talk aboutWhen it comes to sex, each of us attaches a lot of personal values to the act. These values can be positive or negative, big or small, serious or casual. For example, someone might believe that sex is an intensely intimate experience, of great importance, and specifically for getting pregnant. Another person might believe that sex is disgusting, shameful, and not important to them. Still another might think sex is just neat, not a huge deal, and something you can do for fun. All of these values tend to vary not only from person to person, but in relation to who we're having sex with and when (such as a long-term partner or before or after getting married). As a sex therapist I see a lot of couples struggle with the values each of them has attached to sex, and the conflict that this can cause. This can also cause problems for individuals when it comes to self-love and masturbation, or even seeing themselves as a sexual being. What I want to look at today is how to identify these values, where and how they cause problems, and how to reconcile these issues. It's more complicated than sex is "good" or "bad"To get started, we'll need to identify what our values are. The easiest way to get going is to just take the time to ask yourself and/or your partner, “What are my/our values about sex?” We should be able to pick out a few things off the top of our heads based solely on how we feel about sex. Talk about likes and dislikesAnother good way to find values is to take a look at things within the realm of sex that we like and dislike, and then ask why we like or dislike them. For example, someone could think, “I really like foreplay and taking my time with sex.” They could then extrapolate that when it comes to sex, they value patience and not feeling rushed or pressured. Another person might think about trying swinging with their partner and find that they hate the idea. When they ask themselves why, they might identify a value of sex being something special that's just shared between two people. How did we get here?A third way to identify values about sex is to take a look back at your history and see what you've learned about sex. What did your parents teach you about sex, either by talking about it or not talking about it? What did you learn from school sex ed? Or church? Or friends? Or media? We are constantly blasted with sexual messages throughout our lives, even if they're subtle. Each one of those sexual messages has value attached to it. Have you ever watched a movie and the protagonist scores their love interest at the end? See that happen enough and maybe you pick up the value that to be successful you need someone to want to have sex with you. Then you're pressuring your partner for sex all of the time because without it, you don't feel successful. Different Strokes for Different FolxAnother thing to think about when it comes to values is that it's ok to have different values about sex than other people -- you just want to line up with your partner or partners. For example, a couple might hold the value that sharing sexual pleasure is their number one value, and they don't really value sex as something that's shared between just two people, so they start swinging and sharing sex with another couple to increase both of their pleasure and live their value. But if they talked to a non-swinging couple and both agreed that sharing pleasure is a top priority, the non-swinging couple might be shocked by how the other couple is accomplishing that. This example also shows the complexity of the interaction effects between each value. To be happy swinging, the couple needs to value the fun and pleasure of sex and not value sex as just something between two people. Now that we've looked at how complex these values can be, you may be getting an understanding of how they cause problems. Let's take a look. Getting our values crossedOne of the biggest reasons I see a difference in values cause problems in the bedroom is because we don't often talk about sex in terms of values. Sex is just that: sex. The beliefs we hold about sex are often so core to who we are that we just assume our partner shares those values. Sure, it can be easy to accept that people who are different from you have different ideas about sex. But your partner? The person you chose to be with? You get along so well they must think and feel the same way about sex. Assumption in general causes problems, but when we assume our partners values around sex, it can throw our entire intimate lives off. Get on the same pageAnother big issue when it comes to values and sex is when we know we share the value with our partner, but we think living that value means different things. Let's make up a couple as an example. We'll call them Taylor and Kelly. These two talked about their values around sex and both agreed that sex is something that should be built on trust and respect. After being together for a while, Kelly suggests that the next time they are intimate, they should engage in some bondage play. Kelly would really like to tie Taylor up for some added excitement. Taylor is appalled. They both agreed that sex is based on trust and respect, so how could Kelly suggest something so demeaning? This leads to a fight that might sound like, "You lied to me!" "What happened to your values?!" or from Kelly side, "I thought we agreed that we trust and respect each other?!" What's going on here is a miscommunication of not only, "How do we live our values?" but also of, "Do specific acts within sex itself have value attached to them?" So, how do we work out all of these problems? You're going to have to talk about it:Knowing that you're going to have, at the very least, one big conversation about this is a good starting point. Knowing what your values are and how you live them is a good first step. Actually getting into the meat of these values and being willing to shift, not our values, but our understanding of them and how they apply, is how we really solve value problems when it comes to sex. For example, let's go back to Taylor and Kelly and imagine that instead of starting a fight, Kelly hears a potential value problem and says "Ok, let's talk about our value of trust and respect." From a value perspective, Kelly explains that, to them, bondage is rooted in trust and respect. For Taylor to be tied up and not in full control of themselves, they need to completely trust Kelly. If there's any fear of what Kelly might do, then the trust isn't there. By following through on their agreed bondage plan, Kelly demonstrates that they respect Taylor’s wishes. Here, Taylor can accept this change in perspective on how bondage can exist with trust and respect. Taylor isn't changing the value that sex needs trust and respect, just understanding that this can be a part of it. To solve value problems, we need to find where our values can line up and include new things. We also need to be mindful of all of our values. Kelly couldn't say, "If you value my pleasure, you'll let me go sleep with other people for fun" if Taylor holds the value that sex is something that stays in the relationship. Don't sacrifice your values. Just be willing to see how they can include more than you first thought. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Don’t wait any longer to get the sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD LP Making change in your relationship is possible, even now.We know this pandemic feels never-ending and that, if you’re quarantining with your partner or spouse, you may be spending a LOT of time together. You may be losing steam for making intentional time to connect, and that makes total sense. It’s been a long journey! With so much going on in the world, it can be difficult to find the energy to put into your relationship and it’s still important to connect in positive ways. Because we know your tank may be low or even feel empty, we want to give you some small and easy ways to improve your overall relationship (and even your sex life!). These small gestures are called bids for connection, a term by Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship researcher, therapist, and one of the founders of Gottman Method Couples Therapy. What’s a Bid for Connection?A bid for connection is any action or gesture made to positively connect with a partner or loved one. We are constantly making bids to our loved ones for comfort, affection, attention, intellectual stimulation, support, etc. Gestures can be overt and obvious, or they can be more subtle. Check out this quick video: Some examples of more overt or obvious bids for connection include:
Here are some examples of more subtle bids for connection:
Ways to Respond to Bids for ConnectionThere are generally three ways in which we can respond to a bid for connection:
Turning Against a Bid for ConnectionTurning against a bid is when we outright reject the bid. This can be done intentionally or unintentionally. It can be brash or it can be dismissive. Either way, it may feel disappointing, frustrating, or hurtful to the person making the bid to connect. It sends the message that their needs aren’t important, even if that’s not the intended message the responding partner is meaning to send. Turning against bids, over time, can erode fondness and admiration in the relationship, as well as diminish trust. The person making the bids might learn over time that their needs won’t be met or that their gestures are unimportant. Turning Away From a Bid for ConnectionTurning away from a bid is when we ignore or miss the bid. There may be times when this is out of malice, such as the case of intentionally ignoring a bid, or it may be more about mindlessness, not recognizing the bid in the first place. Turning away from bids, over time, can also erode trust in the relationship. In fact, turning away is a combination of rejecting a bid, while also not really seeing or hearing the bidder, in some ways, making it worse than turning against. It may sound strange, but many people would prefer to be rejected than to be ignored. Turning Towards a Bid for ConnectionTurning towards a bid is when we acknowledge the bid. This doesn’t mean that we have to drop everything we’re doing and be at our partner or loved one’s beck and call. It means that we are attentive to the fact that a bid was made and we respond with acknowledgement. Turning towards helps to build trust and fondness in relationships. It sends the message that the bidder’s needs matter, even if we can’t attend to them at the moment that the bid is made. Here are some examples of the three responses to bids for connection:
Why Bids for Connection Are ImportantTurning towards bids for connection is one of the strongest predictors of relationship health and satisfaction. In fact, it’s one of Dr. Gottman’s 7 principles for making relationships work. He conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them after six years. The couples who were still together turned towards each other an average of 86% of the time, whereas the couples who had split up at that 6-year follow-up had an average turning towards rate of only 33% of the time. Turning towards shows that we are paying attention, that the other person is important to us, and that their needs matter. Bids for Connection and SexInitiating sex is one example of a bid for connection. This could be a verbal bid, like “Do you want to have sex?” or “Want to get into bed early?” or it could be physical, like kissing your partner’s neck or caressing them. Being thoughtful about how we respond to bids for sex is so important, because initiating sex can feel vulnerable. Here are some examples of ways to thoughtfully respond to a bid for sex:
Remember, you don’t have to drop everything to meet every bid that comes your way. Just being attentive and mindful to bids goes a long way in making relationships work. And if you do happen to reject or miss a bid, find a way to acknowledge that and offer a repair. Considering Sex Therapy or Couples Therapy in Minnesota?Don’t wait any longer to get the sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT For the segment of our population that constantly talks and jokes about masturbation and sex, there is a surprising lack of discussion about male sex toys. It's seen as expected, normal, and even healthy for men to masturbate and enjoy sex. However, as soon as you bring up male sex toys, you’re suddenly in the realm of weird, even bordering on fetishistic. Women, on the other hand, are just now starting to be more accepted as people who masturbate, making the idea of owning a vibrator or dildo pretty normal. For all people, sex toys are a normal and fun way to either increase or change up your pleasure when alone or with a partner. Let's talk through a few of the taboos about male sex toys before we dive into the specifics. It's Not Weird For Men to Use Sex ToysMany people feel that buying a sex toy is a difficult and awkward experience. While the advent of online shopping, particularly during the COVID-19 crisis, has opened up a lot of options for buying virtually, it can still be hard to know what you're buying, it's quality, or where to start. While their in-person store is currently closed, Smitten Kitten in Uptown Minneapolis (smittenkittenonline.com) has a fantastic online store packed with high quality toys. They also offer curbside pick-up. Another great online store is good vibrations (goodvibes.com), which offers a wide selection of all of the toys we'll talk about in the blog today. The real problem at play here is the general worry that enjoying sex and wanting to increase that pleasure with toys is, in some way, bad. As a nation we hypersexualize just about everything in the media, but when it comes to actually having sex, we're made to feel shameful. This standard is wholly unfair, and I would challenge each person to decide on their own level of comfortability. Regardless of your outward comfort, what you do in your bedroom is up to you and you deserve to feel good about it. Sex Toys = Instant "Gay Panic"One of the biggest issues I hear about with sex toys for men is that many are oriented towards anal and prostate stimulation. The combination of homophobia and toxic masculinity has led a large number of men and their partners away from improving their sex lives because they don't want to "catch the gay." Not only does this fear imply that being gay is a bad thing-- which is awful-- it's also completely the wrong way of looking at the situation. Our sexuality is defined by who we are attracted to, not by what physically feels good to us. I've read horror stories about men who don't even wash their own butts because they don't want to be seen as gay. Or men being called gay for having anal sex with a woman. (That's right, a man having sex with a woman is gay.) I also commonly hear from women who are concerned that their male partner might be gay, or at least bisexual, if he wants to engage in anal/prostate stimulation. So, let’s get a couple things clear before moving forward. First, being gay isn't a bad thing, and obviously all of these toys are just as awesome for gay men to use. Second, what feels good feels good, and has nothing to do with your sexuality. Again, your sexuality is determined by who you're attracted to. With that out of the way, let's actually talk about some of the most popular sex toys for men. There is a wide range of sex toys out there for men. You have masturbation sleeves, automatic blowjob sleeves, cock rings, butt plugs, prostate massagers, and many more. Let's talk through the basics and get an idea of what we’re dealing with. Where to Start When Exploring Sex Toys for MenMale Sex Toy #1: The Masturbation SleeveThe most common starting place for men is a masturbation sleeve. (These get called all sorts of names but are effectively the same thing.) This is a soft sleeve, usually made of silicone, plastic, and other rubberlike materials designed to feel like the real deal. These toys can feature openings shaped like vulvas/vaginas, mouths, butts, or just a simple hole. They can also have a large variety of internal shapes and grooves to increase stimulation and make it more interesting. With a little bit of lube, these can certainly take you to the moon. There are even models with small motors built in and moving parts to simulate vaginal or oral sex. You get to just lay back and enjoy. Just be sure to clean them out right after, using cool water and isopropyl alcohol. Hot water denatures the proteins in semen and makes it incredibly sticky and hard to clean (This is a good tip in general: always clean it up with cool water). Soaps can often damage silicone and other materials making them become more porous and decompose faster. Using at least 70% isopropyl alcohol will make sure to keep your toys clean. As an endnote, this is one I like to recommend to people's partners. If you're not in the mood, or too tired, whip out one of these toys and your man won't be complaining. They feel fantastic and get the job done. Male Sex Toy #2: The Cock RingNext let's take a look at cock rings. These little things can bring a big punch of excitement to your partnered sex. A cock ring alone can be designed to trap more blood in the penis, making you feel like your erection is bigger and stronger. (Note: This is not a cure for difficulties with erection -- Come book a session with me for that.) Feeling like your erection is big and strong can be a positive boost to ego and feeling sexy, but don't expect your partner to notice too much of a difference. If we get fancy though, many cock rings come equipped with all sorts of gadgets to really spice things up. Primarily, this means small vibrators attached to the ring that can feel good for you, but when placed correctly during penetration can directly stimulate your partner's clitoris, making for mind-blowing sex. The vibration added to the penis in this way can also work to increase stimulation to the prostate if your partner is male. There are even prostate massager/cock ring combos to really get things going for yourself. However you want to use one, these can be a fun way to improve sex or masturbation. Male Sex Toy #3: Anal & Prostate ToysLastly, let's take a look our anal and prostate toys. For those of you who don't know, the prostate gland is part of the male reproductive system. It helps produce fluids for semen, is located right up against the wall of the rectum and is covered in super sensitive nerves that can pack a punch. Many men use stimulation of these nerves to achieve powerful orgasms. It's often compared to a woman's clitoris and it's just in your butt. Butt plugs and anal beads can feel pleasurable on their own, and more so when directly stimulating the prostate. Both can often include movement or vibration functions to increase this stimulation. Prostate massagers are toys designed and shaped to directly stimulate the prostate and help you achieve mind blowing orgasms. These kinds of toys can certainly feel a bit more adventurous, but if you're looking to really add some spice to things, they won't miss the mark. As with all forms of anal play, hygiene is hugely important. (Anal hygiene is its own entire article, however, so if you decide to explore here check out a guide first. Sextoyeducation.com has some great resources.) Have Fun!Overall, I feel it's time for people to really start enjoying and exploring what they want to. Sex, either alone or with others, is an amazing and bright spot in our lives. (Particularly now while the rest of the world seems so dark.) So why not try something new and spice things up. We're all stuck at home anyways! Interested in Starting Sex Therapy for Men in Plymouth, MN?Don’t wait any longer to get the sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
Written by Sexual Wellness Instiute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT If you read my recent blog on porn use and masturbation, you know that both of these things can be healthy positive additions to your life. But, it can be easy for them to slip into the realm of unhealthy and downright harmful. I plan to do a follow up on the benefits of masturbation and how to use it to build skills for a healthy sex life. The benefits are both personal and partnered. Today though, we're going to take a look at the darker side of self-love, and when porn use, in particular, becomes a problem. Ok, I do have a problem, but what is it?Many men assume that the core of their problem with porn is that they're watching too much of it, or watching it at all. You get to decide for yourself if you feel ok about watching porn. However, identifying the reason why you watch is more helpful than saying porn is bad. This also lets us look at the other ways it causes problems. Let's run through some and then come back and look at how to make healthy changes. Common Problems with Porn:1. Using porn as an unhealthy coping skill. This entails using porn and masturbation consistently to escape you’re your problems, and to feel better when things are down. To see if this fits for you, try to be mindful of how you're feeling when you want to look at porn and masturbate. If you're looking at porn without masturbating, there's a big chance you're using it as a distraction. You may also be using it to feel positive emotions. Another big indicator of unhealthy use is time spent. If you're looking at porn for an hour or more a day, as opposed to 5-15 minutes to masturbate, you're probably using it to escape. It’s also worth mentioning that everyone uses masturbation to at times – orgasm. Doing so releases feel good hormones and serves as positive self-care. But, it becomes a porn addiction when it is consistently used to cope with hard feelings or stressors. Failing to use any positive coping skills also makes the problem worse. 2. Letting porn educate you about sex. Young people are increasingly using pornography as their main source of sexual education. Porn teaches us to do things that are uncomfortable, unenjoyable, or often downright painful. It also gives many men very unrealistic expectations when it comes to their own erections, orgasms, and talents in the bedroom. If you want to feel like a pornstar in bed this might be you. To address this problem Cindy Gallop launched the website called Make Love Not Porn. The site is “Pro-sex, Pro Porn & Pro knowing the difference” . She is not against hardcore pornography. Cindy feels it is important to put “real sex” out there to give more realistic exposure to sex. Her website is full of videos submitted by real people engaging in sexual acts. 3. Letting porn impact how you see women. One problem men who watch a lot of porn begin to encounter is the hyper-sexualization of women. Porn often portrays women as single-minded sex fiends who are looking to take any opportunity to get laid. Women certainly have their own sexuality. However, porn puts what men should expect from women to a whole other level. Porn can lead to you seeing women only for their value as potential sexual partners, or as something to stare at and fantasize about. If you find yourself thinking about the women around you as sexual objects, or fail to see their other qualities, you might have fallen into this trap. How to Make Healthy Changes1. Find other positive coping skills. This ends up being a lot harder than sounds. Using healthy coping requires two things. First, you have to be able to recognize when you need to use them. Secondly, you need to actually know some healthy coping skills. Oftentimes we're not taught either of these things as men. The first step here is getting yourself to pause when you feel the urge use porn or masturbate, and then ask yourself a couple questions. Are there other things I need to do that I'm avoiding? Am I feeling upset, anxious, or down about anything? Am I feeling genuinely turned on before I start looking at porn? Once you have these answers you can move forward. If you're avoiding something that needs to be done, then go work on it! Don't avoid it with masturbation, video games, or anything else. Additionally, if you're feeling upset, anxious, or down, use a coping skill that can actually release these emotions. Don't try and cover them up. Some Great Healthy Coping Skills Are:Purposeful exercise where you are imagining letting go of stressors
2. Get Educated about Sex. Porn involves paid actors who are putting on a production of what looks and sounds good as a performance. What gets depicted may not be what is enjoyable to those involved. Many of the positions or sexual acts involved in porn can be uncomfortable or even painful. In fact, many female porn actresses use numbing agents so they aren't in pain during the performance. As stated above, this is unfortunately all some men think they have when it comes to learning about what to do during sex, or how to be good in bed. I would like to think we've come a long ways as men when it comes to sex. In the past punchline of most sex jokes was that the man couldn't please his wife, or didn't know what a clitoris was. These days most men I work with are eager to prove that they're compassionate and skilled lovers. This is great! But if you're trying to get there from watching porn you're gonna have a bad time. It might sound crazy but the best place to start here is your partner. Talking about sex can feel vulnerable and embarrassing. However, communication ultimately leads to much more pleasurable and fulfilling sex. A sex therapist can be a great tool to use to learn communication skills and how to talk about sex in a productive way. Another great resource is books! There's an amazing world of books on sex out there. My Top Recommendations For the Men Out There Are:"Great Sex: A Man's guide to the principles of total body sex" by Michael Castleman
"She Comes First" by Ian Kerner Ph.D
"Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski Ph.D
3. Learn about real sex and real women. Most guys don't start using porn thinking about women in a negative way. It can be a slow and insidious process. Sometimes it's the constant stream of hyper-sexualized women that does it. Sometimes it's the escalation into porn that's highly degrading to women. With both of these things we're often missing something we mentioned above. These are actors and this is fantasy. There are plenty of people out there who enjoy being dominated or even degraded during sex. The difference is they know what they're doing is fantasy. It's roleplaying, and these people don't actually see themselves as less than. Regardless of the route it leads you on, thoughtless porn consumption leads to seeing women as things with little value outside of sex. Or, seeing it as their defining characteristic. To move away from this sometimes a break from porn is what's needed. This gives you room to stop over-sexualizing the female body every time you see it. Another great step here is talk to just talk to women. It can be your partner, your mom, your sister, your buddy's wife, a female friend. Talk to them, hear about their lives, their hopes and dreams, the day to day bullshit that they deal with at work. The goal here is to start seeing women as people again. Interacting with women in this way allows you to build this up. If you feel like you don't have a woman to talk to then go read an autobiography from a woman. Watch a Ted Talk given by a woman. Challenge yourself to engage with women in ways where you can mindfully see their qualities as people and take them in. Ending up in this space doesn't make you a bad person. There's only a problem when we recognize and choose not to grow. Now What?If you find yourself facing any of these challenges, I've given you some great tips to start making some changes. If you feel like you need more, or you need some help. Go talk to a sex therapist! Come talk to me! I'm happy to help. Look out for my next blog on how to use porn and masturbation to enrich your sex life! Porn and Masturbation are adult activities so I'll just conclude like every ad for cheap vodka. Enjoy Responsibly. Ready to Start Porn Addiction Therapy?Don’t wait any longer to get the sex addiction and porn addiction therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns and deal with addiction in Minnesota. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.
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