4 Surefire Ways for Women to Reach Orgasm During Sex

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT

If you have a vulva you likely struggle at times to reach orgasm during partnered sex. If you don’t know what your vulva is - it is the external part of the female genitalia and includes (among other things) your clitoris. Likely you just haven’t quite figured out your orgasm formula – the things you need in order to reach orgasm.

First, Your Pleasure Matters

Before I go into this, I have to say to women reading this: Your pleasure is important, your orgasm is important. Women are socialized to believe our pleasure is shameful or unimportant. This is simply not true. Due to this we can feel ashamed of taking the time to figure out what we want during masturbation or asking for what we need during sex.

Reliable Orgasm Research

Dr Laurie Mintz conducted a study where she asked women “What is your most reliable route to orgasm with a partner?” Here are the responses:

•    Intercourse alone…4%
•    Direct Clitoral Stimulation…34%
•    Intercourse plus direct clitoral stimulation….43%
•    Rarely if ever orgasm…19%

So the answer is… learn ways to stimulate your clitoris during partnered sex and you will have more consistent orgasms. Now, as promised, I will give you 4 ways to stimulate your clitoris and reach orgasm more consistently.

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Orgasm Tip #1: Keep Your Clothes On!

Women need time to warm up. One way to do this is to not get naked immediately. Have your partner tease you a bit with your clothes still on. This can include breast or genital contact if you like, but I wouldn’t start out with it. Have them touch or kiss your back, arms, legs, neck…you get the idea.
Once you are starting to feel some arousal, consider continuing to keep your underwear on and have your partner touch you over your underwear. This creates a friction that can feel quite nice! After that consider “outcourse”.
Remember when you were young and would grind with your girlfriend or boyfriend so that your genitals were touching but not penetrating? This is called outercourse and I’m here to tell you that even though you “can” have sex, outercourse should not be off your sexual repertoire. You can absolutely have an orgasm this way! Or at the very least get a really good build up before penetrative or other types of sex. Which brings me to my next point…

Orgasm Tip #2: Different Vulvas like different types of stimulation in general – and at different times.

The WHOLE vulva is a pleasure center, not just your clitoris. Your clitoris actually has internal structures that are behind your vulva, which means the whole thing is up for grabs to help you to your orgasm.
My point? Constant or direct clitoral stimulation can be overwhelming sometimes and you may way to direct your partner to touch your entire vulva. Maybe when you’re first starting to become aroused you like gentle touch or more of a “teasing” type touch, and then once you get going you like more direct pressure. Maybe direct pressure is never your thing. Pay attention to what feels good and communicate it with your partner.

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Orgasm Tip #3: Make Your Orgasm Your Job

This might be hard to hear, but your partner is not responsible for your orgasm. It is your job to figure out what you like and to communicate it to your partner. Some women have an expectation that their partner is going to read their mind and should just know what to do to give them pleasure. This is not a helpful way of looking at things. Your partner can help create the right context for things to become pleasurable (Safety, love, emotional connection, etc) but if they don’t know what you like, how are they supposed to do it? Tell them, they will thank you.
How do you figure out what you like? Experiment with different things. Experimenting with different types of touch, toys, visual aids, etc. during masturbation is a great low pressure way to figure this out.

Orgasm Tip #4: Try Different Sex Toys

Let’s face it- sex toys can be tough to finagle – especially if you haven’t used them before. Sometimes we can get lazy and not want to try something new due to the sometimes unsexy parts of trying to figure out how a new toy can work best for you.
Try the toy first on your own.  This will help you figure out how it’s going to work best for you, and how it might be able to work during partnered sex.

Specific Sex Toys for Vulvas to Try

Clitoral Suction Toy: Read more about how to specifically use it on a previous blogpost of mine – including quotes from my friends on their experiences!
This toy goes over your clitoris and gives suction to it that mimics oral sex. This toy would probably work best for you to use on yourself or have your partner use with you without trying to have penetration at the same time - but it isn’t impossible. If you have historically struggled to reach orgasm this is the toy you want.

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Dame Sex Toys. Dame is brand of sex toys that work very well with partnered sex.

The “Fin”: A vibrator that you can wear on your finger or put in your hand in some way to stimulate the clitoris/vulva. You can use it in almost any position whether you are having penetration or not. Your partner can also be the one using it.
The “Eva”: This one is a  G A M E   C H A N G E R. This is a hands-free vibrator that has flexible wings that tuck under the labia to stay in place during penetrative or other types of sex. It has 3 settings to work with. You may have to put it back into place a few times, but it mostly stays in place. Try it out on your own first so you know how to place it in a way that feels good for you. This is a very easy and smooth way to use a vibrator during penetrative sex.

Remember: Your Pleasure, Your Orgasm Matters

Whatever you try on this list remember that your pleasure is important. You don’t have to be embarrassed to tell your partner what you need in order to have optimal pleasure and orgasm.  They will appreciate a woman who knows what she wants and will be happy to not have to read your mind. Once you figure out your orgasm formula you won’t have to work as hard to get there every time, and who doesn’t want some easy orgasms?

Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

If you want some additional support to deal with feelings around this, past trauma or pain, consider talking with a professional. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

​In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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