The Single Reason Women Are Missing Out on Orgasms and What to Do About It

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT

How many orgasms are you missing out on a week? A month?

What do I even mean by this?
​Women are missing out on orgasms for one simple reason:

An unrealistic expectation of how orgasms are supposed to happen.

Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to say comparison is the thief of all joy. I don’t really think she was talking about orgasms when she said this but she could’ve been. Women often get stuck in what orgasms are supposed to look like. We are inundated with media and pop culture that shows us a man is supposed to climb on top of a woman and within seconds or minutes she’s having a mind blowing orgasm. Will let me be the first to tell you this is not how it goes for most women. As a sex therapist who is talked with hundreds of women over the last 10+ years about how they reach orgasm, I feel confident in saying I know that this is not how most women get there.
And even if you are one of those women who can reach orgasm with penis in vagina intercourse, you’re still missing out on orgasms. It is much easier for a woman to reach an orgasm if she has had the proper sexual build up to that orgasm, along with having adequate clitoral stimulation. So even if you are reaching orgasm in other ways you could be reaching orgasm much more by incorporating build up and clitoral stimulation.

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Orgasm: Breaking Down the Build Up

​What do I mean by build up? I thought you’d never ask.

The Build Up

Build up can look different for different women - but keep one thing in mind. It takes the average woman around 10-15 minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm. This is in contrast to men who average 3-7 minutes.

With this in mind think of these few tips for helping yourself or your female partner "build” to orgasm

• Never go right to the breasts or genitals. Most women would say they need time to build up to touching of these areas.
• Do things that are not overtly sexual at first. Graze over the arms, the face, the legs. Kiss those areas. Rub her head. Play with her hair gently.
• Tease around these areas. Kiss or rub her thighs. Graze over a breast briefly. Ever so briefly.
• Take. Your. Time. Whether you're masturbating or getting in on with your partner give yourself the time you need to build arousal. Rushing is often the antidote to feeling sexy
• When getting to the genitals don’t forget about the clitoris. Many women like it stimulated directly, some more indirectly.

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Feeling confused about what feels good for women?

I highly recommend the book She Comes First by Ian Kerner. It will help teach you all you need to know about female anatomy and pleasure.
While taking your time do things that feel good and try to keep it at an arousal level that is on the higher end, but remember that you don’t need to be at a 10/10 arousal level or even close to build arousal. If it feels good, keep doing it, and watch arousal build over time.
This is also where expectations come in. Try not to expect that your arousal will go the same every time Or that it’ll look like the movies. Arousal and desire are can be a finicky thing. What feels good right now might now feel good in 3 minutes, or 5 seconds, or tomorrow. You get my drift.

Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

Don’t let expectations be the thief of your orgasm joy any longer! Take time to build your arousal and do what feels good to you. If you want some additional support to deal with feelings around this, past trauma or pain, consider talking with a professional. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.