A Stay at Home Order Isn't Sexy - 3 Tips from a Minnesota Sex Therapist

Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Sasek

Quarantine is NOT a Fantasy Suite

While everyone is stuck at home together, many people might be thinking that it “should” be the perfect time to increase the quality of intimacy with their partner. Unfortunately, being cooped up in the same place as your partner probably isn’t leaving you feeling particularly amorous. Read on for tips from Minnesota sex therapist to keep intimacy alive and well during an “unsexy” time. 
In her appropriately named book "Mating in Captivity", sex researcher Esther Perel tells us that the two times we are most attracted to our partners are: One, when they're gone, and two, when we see them in their element, following their passions. Being locked in a house together makes both of these things more than a little challenging. It may be hard, or impossible, to get space from each other during quarantine. There's also probably a lot more sitting on the couch happening than displays of passion. On top of that, we're in the middle of a global pandemic, and there's so much tension and stress in the air that we're often pulling it into our relationships without realizing it. With so many things against us how do we maintain, or even improve our intimate lives with our partners during this shelter in place order? Here are a few ways to keep that fire burning – or at least not go out completely!

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Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Whether you have a studio apartment with six hundred square feet, or a home with six thousand, it can feel like you're trapped at home with your partner. If you have kids it's evening more challenging to find space, not just from each other, but to be together as well. To make matters worse, many couples end up thinking that if they're both around, they need to be doing something together. This might be ok during a normal work week, where you're only home together for an hour or two before bed each night. Now however, many of us are home together all the time.
​So first let me say this, it's ok to do things apart when you're home together! Not only apart, but in different rooms if possible. Much of desire is about anticipation. We need time to miss our partners for that longing to build and grow into action. If you're with your partner all day, that desire meter isn't moving. Take some time away to do your own thing and then reconnect in an intentional way. This might look like this: you get done with work for the day and tell your spouse you’re going to hop on the treadmill for a little while and then ask them intentionally something like “I’ve been missing alone time with you lately. Can we have a date for dinner tonight away from the kids? If you get them fed I can take care of everything else – meet me in the basement at 7:00 PM and I’ll have everything ready”. See how that is different than just showing up for dinner as usual? You’re being intentional about showing love to your partner and with a plan of action to be together.

"In Your Element" While in Your Home?

When I mentioned that seeing our partner's passion is a big turn on, I didn't mean their passion for us. Feeling passion from our partner is fantastic in the moment, but it's not always the best for building the anticipation and desire I mentioned earlier. What I mean by passion is drive, that spark of fire and joy that pushes your partner to pursue their career, create works of art, or build meaningful relationships with friends and family. Seeing this, our partner in action, is what really stokes our fires.
The challenge here is that we've all been wearing the same sweatpants for a month and the couch has a permanent imprint of our body. Not exactly fiery passion. So what do we do? Working from home offers a great opportunity to see your partner excelling at their job. This is harder for some than others. Feeling great about a video meeting you just had? Step out for a minute afterwards and share with your partner that you feel excited about how well you performed. If work isn't your drive, set up a craft night where you and your partner can be creative together. Or plan a virtual happy hour where you can see your partner interact with their friends and be the life of the party. Find your passions, and find a way for your partner to see you living them.

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Taking the Heat Off

Our culture likes to talk about turn-ons. What makes you excited? How can I get you in the mood? There are quizzes with hundreds of questions to find out what you're into. However, we often forget the other half of the equation. Dr. Emily Nagoski, another famous sex therapist and researcher, states that if our sexuality is a drive and has turn ons or "Accelerators" it must also have "Brakes." While partners often talk about how to turn each other on, we rarely talk about what turns us off. You know what a huge break is? A global pandemic. On top of all of the other brakes and stressors we're already dealing with, this pandemic is taking stress to the next level, which isn't exactly helping our sex lives.
If that's not enough, many of our coping skills have been taken away by the pandemic as well. Gyms are closed, you can't go out with friends, vacations have been cancelled, and it's starting to sound like summer is cancelled. Finding ways to relieve this stress is of paramount importance to keeping your sex life alive. Whether that's improvising a workout you can do at home, going for a walk, or finally picking up that book you've been meaning to read. Relieving stress eases off the brakes so that your sex drive can accelerate.

​Also remember that sex IS a stress reliever! Orgasms are a great way to actually keep your stress level down, which is going to boost your immune system. Sex with someone you love also releases “feel good’ hormones that boost our mood: oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. In other words, sex and orgasms keep you healthy! ​

Passion in a Pandemic is Possible

A quarantine is certainly not the sexiest thing in the world, but with a little proactive effort you can make this time a little bit more pleasurable. If you are finding this harder to do on your own, we offer online therapy for couples looking to enhance, change, or grow their sexual intimacy. Skeptical? That's okay! We even wrote a blog post last month to talk about what online couples therapy can look like.

Ready to Start Sex Therapy in Minnesota?

Don’t wait any longer to get the couples counseling or sex therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns in your relationship and connect with your partner in new ways. You can begin t0 overcome problematic sexual behaviors, heal, reconnect and thrive in your relationship through these simple steps:

1. Get in touch with the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling. We also provide relationship tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Things can get better, and counseling can be part of that process.