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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT Let’s be honest: it’s not uncommon to hit a point in a relationship where sex just...stops happening. Maybe it’s been weeks, months, or even years. Maybe it fizzled slowly or dropped off suddenly. You’re likely way too burnt out with life to deal with this right now and would prefer to keep avoiding it. If you’re thinking, “Yes, this is me,” we want you to know: that’s okay. Really. We understand that adult life, with all its responsibilities, doesn’t exactly create great context and conditions for intimacy. Instead, the stress of it all can often create low libido. Let’s Talk About Avoidance—With Compassion Not wanting to deal with it doesn’t mean you don’t care. In fact, avoidance is often a form of self-protection. Maybe you’re afraid that talking about it will lead to more issues. Maybe the idea of “fixing” your sex life feels overwhelming on top of everything else you’re juggling with work, kids, caregiving, burnout, or just trying to get through the week. Or maybe, if you’re honest, you don’t miss it much. That’s fair and understandable. We may not miss it because we are way too stressed to think about the work it would take to get things going again. Or maybe it was never really that great in the first place. Your lack of desire might be temporary, situational, or enduring. What matters most is: how is the absence of sex affecting you (and your relationship, if you’re in one)? Is it causing distress? Creating disconnection? Stirring up resentment or insecurity? Or is it just a quiet silence no one knows how to name? Avoiding the conversation might bring temporary relief, but over time, it often builds distance, confusion, or assumptions that never get clarified. That’s where sex therapy can help. We don’t have to put pressure on goals or performance, but we can provide support and a space to name what’s going on. Why Does Sex Stop? There are so many reasons sex might stop in a relationship. Often, it’s a combination of at least a few things. Here are some more common reasons:
What If I Don’t Want to Want Sex Right Now? That’s okay. Desire is complex. It’s responsive, relational, emotional, physical, and psychological. If the idea of reigniting a sex life feels more like a chore than a curiosity, we get it. We know better than to ask you, “What turns you on? Or “What do you like?” If you knew the answers to those questions, you might not be here. It might help to ask:
What If My Partner Wants More Sex Than I Do?Desire discrepancies or mismatched desire are one of the most common reasons people seek sex therapy. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means there’s a gap that needs understanding, and not a problem that needs blaming. We often help partners learn how to talk about sex without pressure, shutdown, or defensiveness. That might involve learning new ways to define intimacy, exploring different forms of touch or connection, or even redefining what “sex” means for you as a couple. Final Thoughts: Start Where You AreYou don’t have to want sex right now. You don’t have to be ready to dive into a big conversation. You don’t have to know where it’s all going. At the Sexual Wellness Institute, we don’t rush the process. We listen. We help you sort through the layers- individually, with a partner, or however you choose to show up. And we hold space for the reality that sexual wellness is about honoring who you are and where you’re at. And if you’re not ready to deal with it today? That’s okay too. We’ll be here when you are. Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MNSex Therapy offers a compassionate space to untangle avoidance, reduce shame, and gently rebuild trust and intimacy, whether or not you choose to prioritize sex right now. Many clients find renewed understanding, closeness, and relief from pressure, allowing them to move forward feeling seen, respected, and empowered in their relationships and within themselves. When you're ready for us, we're ready for you.
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. 
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Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT  Do you know what your largest and most powerful sexual organ is? Your brain! When was the last time you and your partner had a conversation about your sex life outside of the bedroom? If you can’t remember, it’s been too long! Open communication about sex is essential in relationships. Many couples assume that sexual compatibility should come naturally. Just like any other skill in life – it likely took time, energy, and investment to get there. Sex is no different. One way you can instantly improve your sex life is to have more in-depth conversations about how your sex life is going and what you need from it. Doing this can help with libido concerns, sexual dysfunction, sexual pain, desire, mismatch, and more! One way to do this is with a few open-ended questions. Here are a few to get you started! 1. What Does Great Sex Mean to You?Sex means different things to different people. For some, it’s about emotional connection; for others, it’s about pleasure, exploration, or stress relief. There is no wrong answer here.
2. What Are Your Boundaries and Hard No’s? Boundaries are fundamental to maintaining a safe and pleasurable sex life. Communicating your needs and boundaries to your partner is an important part of the sexual relationship. You and your partner may have different comfort levels with certain activities, and acknowledging these differences fosters trust and mutual respect.
3. How Do You Feel About Frequency and Spontaneity?Differences in libido can create tension in a relationship. One of the most common issues I that brings couples to sex therapy is the mismatch in sexual frequency and initiation styles. Understanding each other’s expectations can prevent frustration and help maintain intimacy.
4. Are You Feeling Wanted by Me?When was the last time you told your partner they were attractive? Or maybe looked good in a particular outfit they wore that day? How to approach it: To jump-start the conversation in a positive way, try each sharing 3 things that attract you to your partner. Then ask what else they might need in order to feel “wanted”. 5. How do you want to handle it when things don’t go as planned? Did you know that sex goes badly or not so well about 15% of the time for couples with no reported sexual concerns? This statistic tells us it’s very normal for things to go awry during sexual activity. Talking about how you want things to go before they happen helps set you up to avoid bad feelings and/or avoid them happening with regularity.
Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MNDiscussing sex might feel awkward at firstcommon-sex-therapy-questions-insight-from-a-minnesota-sex-therapist.html, but if you can laugh a little through the awkwardness to get to some meaningful conversation…you won’t regret it! So, when’s your next date night? Consider setting aside time to answer 1 or more of these questions. Want more support? Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMF  If you're a fan of Love Is Blind, you know that the show is a social experiment that explores how love develops without physical attraction. But beyond the drama and whirlwind romances, it's also a great way to observe attachment styles in action. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape how we relate to romantic partners as adults. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. As you watch Love Is Blind, we see various personality traits and relationship dynamics- some healthy and some not so healthy. Sometimes we watch a particular scene and think “This seems unhealthy or unhelpful but I can’t quite put my finger on why”. Looking at the attachment styles of the contestants could help you figure out some of those dynamics. Here’s how you can spot each attachment style and understand how they impact relationships on (and off) the show: 1. Secure Attachment: The Unicorns of Reality TVSecurely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They communicate openly, trust their partners, and manage conflict in a healthy way. Because reality TV thrives on drama, secure individuals are less common in the Love Is Blind universe, but when they do appear, they stand out as stable, reassuring presences. Watch for contestants who navigate difficult conversations with ease, reassure their partners without becoming defensive, and express emotions without fear. 2. Anxious Attachment: The Emotional Roller CoastersPeople with an anxious attachment style crave closeness but often fear abandonment. They may come across as overly eager, needing constant reassurance, or spiraling when they sense emotional distance. On Love Is Blind, anxious attachers might rush into deep emotional connections quickly, seek constant validation, and react intensely when their partner seems less engaged. If you see someone who is frequently questioning their partner’s feelings or struggling with jealousy, they likely have an anxious attachment style. 3. Avoidant Attachment: The Commitment-PhobesAvoidantly attached individuals value independence and often struggle with emotional closeness. They might withdraw when things get too intimate or rationalize their way out of relationships. On the show, this often looks like someone who pulls away when their partner expresses deep emotions, hesitates to commit, or insists they need "space" when conflict arises. If you notice a contestant shutting down during emotional conversations or keeping their walls up, they may have an avoidant attachment style. 4. Disorganized Attachment: The Push-Pull DynamicThose with a disorganized attachment style experience a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. They crave love but fear getting hurt, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns. In Love Is Blind, you might see someone who is intensely affectionate one moment and distant the next, struggling with trust and often sabotaging their own happiness. This can manifest as dramatic breakups, sudden emotional outbursts, or a cycle of pushing their partner away and then desperately pulling them back.  Why Attachment Style MattersUnderstanding attachment styles can give you a deeper insight into why certain relationships thrive while others crash and burn. It also helps us reflect on our own relationship patterns and how we might improve them. The next time you watch Love Is Blind, pay attention to how contestants handle emotional intimacy, conflict, and reassurance. It’s a reality show, yes, but it’s also a mirror reflecting how attachment styles play out in real-life relationships. How to Use This Information to Help Yourself in RelationshipsOnce you recognize your own attachment style, you can take steps to develop healthier relationship patterns:
 Consider talking to a couples therapist or online therapistRecognizing these patterns in yourself is the first step toward cultivating more secure, fulfilling connections. Who knows? Maybe watching Love Is Blind with an attachment lens will help you make better choices in your own love life! What attachment styles have you spotted on the show? Drop a comment below! Read about my thoughts on cheating (based on Love is Blind 2024), Love is Blind UK, or other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more.
Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaOur LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our mental health services include sex therapy, therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT In the last 15 years of my career as a sex therapist, I have learned that a lot of people are concerned with sexual behaviors that have become compulsive or out of control. Whether it's pornography, excessive masturbation, or acting out in other ways, many individuals feel trapped by their sexual desires. They often wonder if there’s a way out or if they’re too far gone to change. I promise you, you are not too far gone, and things can change if you want them to! Whether you prefer to come to our Plymouth, MN office or take advantage of online counseling for problematic sexual behavior- we can help! First things first: the language we used in defining this problem
Many sex therapists (including all who practice at Sexual Wellness Institute) believe calling it sex addiction is not accurate. This is because our brains do not process sex, pornography, masturbation, etc in the same way it processes substances. We want to meet clients where they are at, but if you ask us, we’d rather call it problematic sexual behavior or out-of-control sexual behavior. Note: For the sake of this article what we call this issue will be varied so that the people searching for help can find it! Here are some of the advantages of engaging in online therapy in Minnesota for concerns related to sexual behavior:1. Confidentiality and Comfort:One of the greatest hurdles for someone struggling with sex addiction is the fear of being judged or stigmatized. There’s a deep sense of shame that often accompanies sex and masturbation. The very thought of seeking help can feel overwhelming due to embarrassment, guilt, or fear of being misunderstood. Online counseling in Minnesota offers a level of privacy that can significantly reduce these concerns. It allows clients to attend sessions from the comfort of their own homes, where they feel safe and secure. There’s also no need to worry about running into someone they know in a waiting room. 2. Accessibility to Specialized Therapists: Online therapy opens the door to a world of specialists who may not be accessible locally. For individuals living in small towns or rural areas, finding a therapist with expertise in sex addiction/problematic sexual behavior can be challenging. With online counseling, you’re no longer limited by geographical boundaries. You have access to therapists who are trained and experienced in dealing with sexual behaviors, addictions, and the emotional complexities that come with them. We pride ourselves at Sexual Wellness Institute in being highly trained therapists, particularly in the realm of sexual concerns. We want you to feel like you are in the right hands. 3. Flexibility in Scheduling:Another reason online sex addiction counseling can be incredibly helpful is the flexibility it offers. Many individuals with out-of-control sexual behavior have busy lives, filled with work commitments, family obligations, and other responsibilities. Finding the time for in-person therapy can be a challenge. Online therapy, however, allows you to schedule sessions at times that are most convenient for you. Whether it's after work, during lunch breaks, or later at night, online counseling fits into your life, not the other way around. This ease of access makes it more likely that you’ll follow through with therapy and commit to making the changes you need. 4. Ongoing Support and Accountability:Sex addiction is rarely resolved overnight. It’s an ongoing journey, and recovery requires long-term support and accountability. Online sex addiction counseling can offer continuous access to professional help, whether through regular sessions or check-ins between appointments. Even if you haven’t seen us in a while, we always welcome you back with any pop-ups of concern.  Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MNSex addiction is a complex and challenging issue, but it is possible to overcome it with the right help. Online sex addiction counseling provides a unique opportunity to access affordable, confidential, and specialized care in a format that works for your lifestyle. Whether you’re just starting on your journey of discovery, or you’ve tried therapy before and are looking for a fresh approach, online counseling can provide the support and tools necessary to create lasting change. If you're struggling with sex addiction, don’t wait to reach out. Online counseling in Minnesota is an accessible and powerful tool that can help you regain control of your life and start the healing process.
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT As a Minnesota sex therapist, I often encounter clients grappling with the term "sex addiction." It's a phrase that stirs up strong emotions and evokes vivid images in the media and popular culture. For some, it represents an uncontrollable urge to engage in sexual behaviors, while for others, it can signify a moral or social failing. However, when we turn to scientific research and clinical practice, the term "sex addiction" is increasingly seen as an inaccurate and problematic label. Let's delve into why this term doesn't hold up under scrutiny from a scientific and therapeutic standpoint and why we need a more nuanced, evidence-based understanding of human sexuality. The Roots of the "Sex Addiction" Concept The concept of sex addiction gained traction in the 1980s and 1990s, particularly in the wake of high-profile cases and media portrayals. Prominent individuals, such as public figures and celebrities, admitted to having “sex addiction,” which only added to the narrative that excessive sexual behavior was a sign of a serious, diagnosable disorder. Books, documentaries, and therapies marketed to address "sex addiction" created a framework where sexual behavior was likened to substance abuse or gambling addiction. The basic premise behind the term is that some individuals experience an overwhelming compulsion to engage in sexual activity, leading to negative consequences in their personal, professional, or social lives. However, as we explore the science of human sexuality, we quickly discover that the label doesn’t align well with what we know about sexual behavior and mental health. The Problem with "Addiction" in the Context of SexAddiction is defined as a psychological condition characterized by compulsive engagement in a behavior despite negative consequences. It usually involves an escalating pattern of use (e.g., with drugs or alcohol), where the individual builds tolerance and experiences withdrawal symptoms when they can’t engage in the behavior. These elements—tolerance, withdrawal, and escalation—are hallmarks of many well-established addictions, such as substances or gambling. This research study was the first to look at these concepts with folks trying to abstain from pornography for 7 days. They concluded that there were no negative abstinence effects (like withdrawal) for these people. While some people may experience difficulty controlling their sexual behavior, the idea that sexual desire or activity can be analogous to drug addiction doesn't hold up scientifically. There’s no evidence to suggest that sexual behavior operates on the same neural pathways or mechanisms as substance addiction. Unlike substances, sex is a basic human need and a fundamental part of our biology. Furthermore, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is used by mental health professionals to diagnose psychiatric disorders, does not recognize "sex addiction" as a formal condition.  Is There Really a "Compulsion" to Have Sex?Many who identify with the term “sex addiction” report feeling a compulsion or an uncontrollable urge to engage in sexual behavior. However, it’s crucial to distinguish between compulsivity and desire. Sexual urges are natural, and at times, they can be intense. But feeling driven to act on sexual impulses is not inherently pathological. It is when those urges lead to distress, harm, or dysfunction in life that they may be indicative of something more complex—such as anxiety, trauma, or attachment issues. Ie: wanting to have sex or masturbate is completely normal! In therapeutic settings, it’s often more productive to explore the underlying psychological and emotional factors contributing to a person’s sexual behavior. For instance, some individuals may engage in high-frequency sexual behavior as a way of coping with trauma, loneliness, stress, or unresolved emotional pain. In such cases, what we are really dealing with is not "addiction" but maladaptive coping mechanisms that require addressing the root causes. The Danger of Pathologizing Normal Sexual Behavior & the Role of ShameOne of the most concerning aspects of labeling someone as a “sex addict” is the risk of pathologizing normal variations in sexual behavior. Human sexuality is diverse, and people’s desires and behaviors vary widely. For some, a high libido and a strong desire for frequent sex are part of a healthy sexual identity. For others, less frequent sexual activity or celibacy may be the norm. These variations do not necessarily indicate a psychological disorder. By labeling individuals with high sexual desires or varied sexual practices as "addicts," we risk reinforcing harmful stigma and shame around sexuality. This can lead to unnecessary therapy, medical treatments, and even self-loathing when what may actually be needed is a deeper understanding of one’s needs, desires, and boundaries. A More Helpful Approach: Understanding the Underlying Issues As sex therapists, our goal is not to label or stigmatize our clients but to help them identify and understand their sexual values. Rather than focusing on a “diagnosis,” it’s more beneficial to look at the following areas:
Values-Based Treatment in Sex TherapySexual values-based treatment for issues often called "sex addiction" focuses on helping people connect their sexual behaviors with their core values, rather than treating it as a compulsion or disorder. This approach encourages individuals to explore their beliefs about sex and how those beliefs shape their actions. By identifying what matters most to them—like respect, trust, intimacy, and mutual consent—people can make more thoughtful choices about their sexual lives. Instead of labeling sexual behavior as an addiction, this method empowers individuals to take control and create healthier, more meaningful relationships, both with themselves and with others. It’s about living in a way that feels true to one’s values and promoting overall sexual well-being. Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MNOur sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Sophie Pimsler, MA LMFT *Disclaimer: The majority of this blog is addressing issues pertaining to cisgender women in heterosexual relationships. However, that does not discount the impact of ARE experiences of LGBTQIA+ identified individuals. Religion & Sex Religious experiences can profoundly shape our identities, yet for some, they leave behind deep pain and unresolved struggles. As a sex therapist specializing in Adverse Religious Experiences (ARE), I help individuals navigate the lasting impact of these challenges on their lives and well-being. Through open discussions about sexuality, I often guide clients in exploring how their religious beliefs have influenced their sexual health and relationships. This approach allows us to examine how these experiences affect overall mental health, including intimacy, libido, performance anxiety, and emotional connections. Issues like familial abandonment, community isolation, and the harm caused by purity culture are often at the core of these struggles. A common challenge I encounter involves significant distress among religiously-identified, heterosexual women regarding their sexual relationships with their husbands. Many of these women wrestle with reconciling their beliefs and sexual experiences, leading to confusion and frustration. Despite "saving" themselves for marriage, they often find it difficult to relax and enjoy intimacy. Some even experience physical pain during sex, yet feel compelled to endure it, believing it is their "duty" to satisfy their husbands. Many clients have shared that when they sought guidance from clergy or elders in their religious community, their pain was minimized or normalized. This leaves them questioning what is “wrong” with their bodies and feeling emotionally distressed about their role in the relationship, as they feel unable to please their spouse. Defining Purity Culture Purity culture, rooted in conservative Christian interpretations—particularly within evangelical and fundamentalist branches—promotes sexual abstinence before marriage, often linking a person’s moral worth to their sexual behavior. Women, in particular, are encouraged to remain "pure" for their future spouse, with symbols like purity rings or pledges reinforcing this commitment. While purity culture is most closely associated with conservative Christianity, it also exists in other religions.
Impact on Sexual Education and HealthIn communities dominated by purity culture, sex education is often replaced with abstinence-only programs, which have been shown to be less effective at preventing teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) compared to comprehensive sex education. Studies indicate that teens who receive comprehensive education are less likely to experience unintended pregnancies. Moreover, abstinence-only education frequently neglects crucial topics such as consent and healthy sexual communication, leaving individuals unprepared for balanced and respectful relationships. This gap in education can negatively impact sexual health, making it harder to make informed decisions about contraception and boundaries. Sex Therapy Can Help To address the impact of purity culture, it is essential to cultivate a compassionate and comprehensive understanding of sexuality, one that prioritizes consent, communication, and mutual respect. This approach helps individuals break free from the shame and guilt tied to rigid notions of sexual "purity," empowering them to make informed choices about their bodies. By recognizing that a person’s worth is not tied to their sexual history, individuals can rebuild healthier self-esteem and stronger relationships. Healing also involves adjusting unrealistic expectations about sex, especially those shaped by purity culture. Many people are taught that marriage will automatically make sex fulfilling simply because they wait. I often use the analogy of a light switch with my clients: religious teachings suggest that once you're married, sex will be as simple as flipping a switch, instantly enjoyable. However, entering marriage without a clear understanding of one’s own body or sexual preferences often leads to confusion and frustration. Sexual satisfaction requires communication, mutual exploration, and patience. Therapy can play a crucial role in helping couples navigate these adjustments, fostering intimacy, and fostering a more realistic understanding of a healthy sexual connection. In my practice as a sex therapist, I work with both individuals and couples to unlearn the harmful messages instilled by purity culture and other limiting belief systems. By addressing unrealistic expectations and exploring sexual health and emotional well-being, therapy promotes healing and helps individuals develop a more balanced and nuanced perspective on sexuality. This process often includes discussing personal values, enhancing communication skills, and recognizing the importance of consent and mutual respect in relationships. Therapy also supports individuals in confronting and processing feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety related to their sexual experiences. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?As clients work through these emotions, they frequently find they can embrace their sexuality in a healthier way, which leads to improved self-esteem and more fulfilling relationships. Ultimately, this therapeutic journey empowers clients to redefine their understanding of intimacy and sex—recognizing that they are distinct concepts—enabling them to engage in their relationships more authentically and without shame. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT So things might not be going that well with your sex life. Or, maybe they are going okay, but you wonder if I could be better but you’re not sure how to approach it. Here are 5 questions to ask your partner about sex that will help you have a greater understanding of their desires, boundaries, and preferences. I hope this ignites some great conversations to create deeper intimacy with you and your partner(s)! 1. What do you enjoy most about our sex life? Why It Matters: This question is a fantastic opener for discussions about pleasure and connection. By asking your partner what they enjoy, you’re not only inviting them to share their favorite experiences but also signaling that their pleasure is a priority for you. How to Approach It: Set the mood for a relaxed conversation—maybe during a cozy evening at home or while enjoying a quiet dinner. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about what makes our time together special. What parts of our sex life do you love the most?” This can lead to insights about specific acts, settings, or emotional connections that heighten their enjoyment. It’s also a chance to explore if there are aspects you might not have considered before! 2. Are there any fantasies or desires you’ve wanted to explore?Why It Matters: Discussing fantasies can be incredibly liberating. It creates a safe space for both partners to express their desires without judgment, encouraging vulnerability and trust. If it goes well your partner will feel really seen and understood by you sexually. This question can also open doors to new adventures that bring excitement to your relationship. How to Approach It: Try to initiate this conversation when you both feel relaxed and connected. You might say, “I love learning more about you. Are there any fantasies you’ve thought about but haven’t shared yet?” Listen attentively, and remember that this is about exploration, not pressure. If your partner shares something unexpected, approach it with curiosity—ask follow-up questions to understand their vision and see how you can both make it a reality. 3. How do you feel about our current level of intimacy? Why It Matters: Intimacy goes beyond the physical; it encompasses emotional closeness and connection. This question helps assess whether both partners feel satisfied and supported in their relationship. It opens the door for discussing any feelings of distance or disconnection that may need addressing. How to Approach It: Find a quiet moment when you both feel comfortable. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about how we connect with each other. How do you feel about our level of intimacy?” Pay attention to your partner’s feelings—this is a chance to listen and validate their experiences. Whether they express joy, concern, or a desire for change, responding with empathy can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds. 4. What are your boundaries when it comes to sex?Why It Matters: Understanding boundaries is crucial for ensuring both partners feel safe and respected. This question allows for clear communication about what is acceptable and what isn’t, helping to build trust and confidence in your sexual relationship. How to Approach It: Bring this topic up in a calm and supportive atmosphere. You might say, “I think it’s important for us to know each other’s boundaries. What are some things that feel comfortable for you, and are there any hard limits I should be aware of?” Encourage your partner to express their thoughts freely, and share your own boundaries as well. This can create a collaborative atmosphere where both partners feel empowered to explore within safe parameters. 5. How can we improve our sexual relationship? Why It Matters: This question promotes a mindset of growth and teamwork. It invites both partners to reflect on their experiences and come together to create a more satisfying sexual relationship. It’s about building a shared vision for intimacy. No matter how good your sex life is, there’s always room for more conversations on how to fine tune it. So don’t think of this as a conversation to dump on your sexual relationship but more of a way to continue to grow together sexually. How to Approach It: Introduce this conversation by expressing your desire for a fulfilling sex life for both of you. You could say, “I really value our time together and want to make sure we’re both getting what we need. How do you think we can enhance our sexual relationship?” Encourage your partner to share their thoughts, and be open to their suggestions. Whether it’s trying new things, setting aside more time for intimacy, or discussing emotional needs, this dialogue can lead to actionable steps that elevate your connection. Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?Having these conversations may feel daunting at first, but the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort. By asking these questions and truly listening to your partner’s responses, you create an environment of trust and intimacy that can enhance your sexual relationship. Remember, the goal is not just to talk about sex, but to deepen your emotional connection and understanding of one another. Embrace the journey together! Need to talk with someone other than your partner first? Or, process how that conversation went? Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"As a Minnesota couples therapist who digs Love is Blind, I was intrigued to see how the UK version would compare to its US counterpart. One thing that struck me was the noticeable level of emotional intelligence displayed by many contestants in the UK show. Emotional Intelligence: the IngredientsOne of the most refreshing aspects of Love Is Blind UK was the level of emotional maturity exhibited by many of the contestants. This contrasts with some other reality dating shows, where emotional intelligence can sometimes take a backseat to drama and conflict. Let's explore the key aspects of emotional intelligence that were prominently displayed throughout the show: Open Communication & Assertiveness: Many contestants were willing to discuss their feelings, fears, and expectations openly. They engaged in honest dialogues about their past relationships, insecurities, and hopes for the future. This openness laid the groundwork for deeper connections and mutual understanding. One time I really appreciated this was with Tom & Maria. They obviously had different views on gender roles in a marriage. I really appreciated how both made their values clear knowing the other didn’t agree. Tom got a lot of heat for this, but I appreciate his directness in letting Maria know that he wanted a partner with ambition in her career and didn’t want his partner to stay home with the kids. Maria had opposite values about this and was also very clear about it. Gender roles in a marriage are a very important thing to be on the same page with, so I admire the risk it took in them putting it out there. Active Listening:Numerous participants demonstrated excellent listening skills, showing genuine interest in their partners' thoughts and feelings. They asked thoughtful follow-up questions and provided empathetic responses, creating an environment where both parties felt heard and valued. Emotional Regulation: When faced with conflicts or disappointments, many contestants displayed admirable emotional regulation. Instead of reacting impulsively, they often took time to process their emotions and respond in a more measured way. This skill was particularly crucial given the high-pressure environment of the show. I saw Freddie regulating his emotions when it might’ve been easy to let them get out of control when in intense conversations with Cat. His ability to regulate is likely why he had little patience for her inability to do the same. I will say that Ollie did not show the best emotional regulation skills when presented with the conflict with Jasmine. I did see him trying but his first instinct was to shut down and give up. Empathy:Participants frequently demonstrated a keen ability to understand and share the feelings of their partners and the other contestants, offering support and compassion during challenging moments. This empathy fostered a supportive atmosphere even amidst the competition inherent in the show's format. Even though Jasmine went a little overboard at times, I think she really cared about the other women and did her best to support them during tough times. Self-Awareness:Numerous contestants showed a high degree of self-awareness, openly acknowledging their flaws and areas for growth. Demi, in particular, impressed me with her journey of self-reflection and personal growth, even under the intense scrutiny of reality TV. Implications for Relationships The emotional intelligence displayed in Love Is Blind UK shows me that at least some of these contestants will continue to do well in having hard conversations in relationships, navigating conflict, and fostering deep connections. And some will likely continue to struggle with these things until they do some inner work to figure out why this happens. Let’s be real – this is still reality TV and we all need to take what we see with a grain of realism. I was, however, impressed with this season’s cast and look forward to see more seasons set in the UK. The show serves as a reminder of the importance of emotional intelligence in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. It also highlights the ongoing progress in breaking down barriers to emotional expression and fostering more authentic connections. Consider talking to a couples therapist or online therapistAs we continue to value and cultivate emotional intelligence in our society, we may see more examples of these skills across various platforms and in everyday life. This can only lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships - both on and off the screen. Read about my thoughts on cheating (based on Love is Blind 2024), or other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more.
Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaOur LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our mental health services include sex therapy, therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, James Chadwick, MSW LICSW So you want to take it in the butt? Now what? Well, there could be at least two possible lingering impediments. Particularly for the cisgender heterosexual male reader, you may be wondering if curiosity or even enjoyment of anal play makes you gay. 1) It doesn’t and 2) it’s probably a fantastic opportunity to examine potential homophobia that you might be perpetuating. Sexual orientation is typically far more complex than a single sexual act and usually encompasses romantic or affectional preferences. Moreover, if you land at the (I would argue correct) conclusion that there’s simply nothing wrong with being a gay man, you’re far more likely to fully enjoy anal play for all that it can offer. You’re probably also worried about poop. Be honest, and don’t be shy! It’s ok. As I’ve said, shit happens, and if you are keen on minimizing the occurrence of it I would refer you to my past blog “The Back Door Is Open!” (Anal) Sex Worth Having So we’ve identified some sexual brakes to anal play (“threat to masculinity” and “mess.”) Potential pain is certainly another; I think it follows that if something hurts you’re going to be averse to it (I’m guessing that no one is reading this with their hands on a stove. Unless you’re into that, and I’d be the last to stop you or yuck your yum, as long as it’s safe and consensual!). The late great sex educator and host of Talk Sex, Sue Johansen, (rest in power, and thanks for keeping me company on late-night TV when I shouldn’t have been watching!) was fond of suggesting that “if anal hurts, you’re doing it wrong.” While this is generally accurate, I think it falls a little short. As I mentioned briefly in “The Back Door Is Open,” there are two ring-like muscles that control the sphincter, one that is controlled more voluntarily than the other. There is a fair amount of stretching that occurs during anal play, and if you ram something or someone in there like you may have seen in porn, it will probably hurt. As Sue also famously said (and I’m paraphrasing here - it’s been a good two decades since the Talk Sex days..), “lube is your friend.” Start Small & Come as You AreI would say depending on what you are inserting, and I stand by my recommendation to start quite small as long as it has a flared base, there may be a manageable amount of pain, and it is pretty likely to subside as you become more familiar with sensations. Obviously everyone has different pain thresholds and it is crucial to listen to your body and take a break if the pain is unbearable. Dr. Emily Nagoski, badass bestselling author of “Come As You Are,” writes extremely eloquently about “sex worth having.” The general idea is that in order to desire sex, it has to be sex that you are genuinely and unequivocally interested in, or sex worth having. I’m not sure that she had anal sex in mind per se, but I think it absolutely applies here. The mind is your most powerful sex organ - not anything between your legs, sorry! - and a natural curiosity and embrace of this kind of sexual exploration will likely take you a long way. This leads me to a further consideration: broaching anal play with a partner or partners, particularly if anyone has reservations. The More the Merrier!Generally speaking, anal sex is a great practice to share. The anus is a prominent erogenous zone, packed with nerve endings, to say nothing of prostate stimulation. It follows that giving and receiving pleasure of any variety can be a solid form of fostering intimacy between partners. And, just as there can be and often are stark differences in libido generally between partners, there can be dramatically different ideas about and approaches to anal sex. Learning About Anal Sex Helps Education, be it a resource like this blog, work with an attuned clinician, or something else, can lay the groundwork for exploration. If we use attachment theory as a framework, it’s imperative to establish a secure base and feel sufficiently safe to begin a new behavior. Empathy is also key; rather than attacking a partner’s reservations or resorting to defensiveness, endeavor to really understand their point of view. Consent is paramount, always. Even if the end result is to abandon exploration, you will likely walk away feeling closer emotionally, which is a win in my book. Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIn summary, I hope that these thoughts work to start demystifying a widely practiced and enjoyed area of sexual exploration - have fun! If you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about your values around anal sex. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT As a sex therapist near the Twin Cities, I often recommend using various forms of media and entertainment to help couples explore and enhance their sexual relationships. One of the most intriguing shows in recent years is Netflix’s "Bridgerton." Its blend of romance, scandal, and sensuality offers a perfect backdrop for couples looking for something new. Here are some tips on how to use "Bridgerton" to spice up your sex life!  1. Explore Historical Fantasies"Bridgerton" is set in the Regency era, a time of elaborate dresses, formal balls, and strict societal rules. This historical setting can be a great way to explore role-playing fantasies. You can go all out with dressing up in period costumes, using old-fashioned language, and creating a story where you and your partner are characters in a Regency romance. You can also choose just one of these aspects to dip your toes in the waters of role playing. Role-playing can help you step out of your everyday routine and possibly help with jump starting sexual desire. 2. Communication and Consent One of the key themes in "Bridgerton" is the importance of communication and consent. The characters often engage in candid discussions about their desires, boundaries, and expectations. Use this as an inspiration to have open conversations with your partner about your own sexual needs and boundaries. Clear communication is crucial for a healthy and satisfying sex life 3. Sensual SettingsThe show features many beautifully crafted settings that ooze sensuality, from lush gardens to opulent bedrooms. Take a cue from "Bridgerton" and create a romantic and sensual environment in your own home. Light some candles, play soft music, and decorate your space to make it feel special and inviting. A change in scenery can help set the mood for intimacy 4. The Power of Anticipation"Bridgerton" is masterful at building anticipation. The slow-burn romance between characters can be incredibly enticing and can teach us the value of anticipation in our own relationships. Try building up the anticipation with your partner through teasing texts, lingering touches, and prolonged eye contact. Drawing out the build-up can make the eventual intimacy even more exciting 5. Embrace Sensual Touch The show is filled with scenes that highlight the importance of touch and physical connection. Pay attention to how the characters use touch to convey their emotions and desires. In your relationship, focus on non-sexual touch to build intimacy and connection. Gentle caresses, massages, and hand-holding can enhance your bond and lead to more passionate encounters 6. Learn from the CharactersEach character in "Bridgerton" has a unique approach to love and intimacy. Take some time to discuss the characters with your partner and identify which ones you resonate with. Do you see yourself as the strong minded Penelope? Or maybe you are drawn to new experiences with your sexuality like Benedict. Discussing the characters can lead to a deeper understanding of your own desires and how you can bring more of those qualities into your relationship 7. Spice Up Your Language"Bridgerton" features eloquent and poetic language, which can be incredibly arousing. Experiment with using more descriptive and romantic language with your partner. Compliment them, express your desires, and share your fantasies in a way that feels both genuine and passionate. Words have the power to create a deeper emotional and physical connection 8. Playful CompetitionThe show often features playful banter and competitive interactions between characters. Introduce some playful competition into your relationship. Whether it’s through a game, a dance-off, or a friendly bet, a little competition can add fun and excitement to your dynamic, leading to a more vibrant and passionate connection Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?"Bridgerton" offers a treasure trove of inspiration for couples looking to spice up their sex life. I suggest you go over this list with your partner(s) and see which one resonates with you to try first. Need to talk with someone? Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, James Chadwick, MSW LICSW Admit it: if you haven’t had anal sex, you’ve thought about it. Maybe it excites you. Maybe it grosses you out. Maybe both. And that’s totally okay! The reality is that it is something that people of all sorts of genders and sexual orientations routinely enjoy, either with partners or solo. But, anal sex doesn’t just "happen"! If you’re basing butt stuff off of porn you’re bound to be sorely (literally!) disappointed. Fret not! With a few basic logistical and psychological pointers you’ll be an anal sex champ in no time!  The Prep for Anal Sex: So Fresh and So Clean! First, you need to get ready. There are physical and psychological components to this. If you’re new(er) to it, you may need to embrace the fact that you’re interacting with an origin of waste. There’s really not a delicate way to put this: shit happens, and it’s not the end of the world, or shouldn’t be. And, there are plenty of tried and tested methods for enhancing cleanliness and hygiene. Let’s get started! As my friend Frankie Goes to Hollywood says, relax! The sphincter is comprised of two core ring-like muscles, one that is more voluntarily controlled than the other. There are several ways to go about “warming these muscles up;” I would recommend a warm shower or bath at the very least. Some people insist on anal douching prior to anal play and truly, the more preoccupied you are with a mess, the more appealing this option likely is. Here are a few basics about anal douching and cleaning prior to anal sex: There are many ways to douche, each with its own pros and cons. Some people are most comfortable with a small “bulb” (typically of a material like latex, plastic, or silicone) that fills with water and can be inserted rectally. One of the benefits of bulbs is their versatility and portability. You’ll likely want warm water, neither too hot nor too cold. Once you’ve filled the bulb with warm water, insert it and squeeze the base to shoot the water out. It’s usually best to apply a medium amount of pressure here when squeezing; you don’t want to shoot too hard or you may make more of a mess than intended. Squeeze your sphincter for a few (maybe 5-10) seconds to hold the water in, then release. Repeat this process as needed or ideally until the water runs clear. If a bulb isn’t your jam, there are hose adaptations to connect to either your shower or your toilet. I would personally go with a toilet adaptation or some form of bidet. Yes, they’re a little more costly than a bulb but in my opinion “do a better job” and are more bang for your buck. Basically, the same cleaning process applies as with a bulb; again, be careful not to shoot the water too hard or too far. For an added measure of confidence, some folks will insert a dildo or vibrator after they have douched just to ensure that they have fully cleaned out. Deeper Dives Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way I’m sure you’re itching to get started! Seriously, this is when things get fun. That said, you might be tempted to take on a large dildo or penis right off the bat. I would advise working up to this over time. As stated earlier, these are muscles like any other and it’s vital to train them. Many sex stores/retailers sell a series of “graduated” butt plugs that are excellent for the purpose of training yourself. (A butt plug is sort of like a small dildo). Always look for toys/insertables with flared bases - you don’t want to lose anything up there, and it does happen! Some folks also enjoy inserting fingers and some enjoy analingus or “rimming” (orally stimulating the anus). Clean up, communicate, try to address any (understandable) hangups you might have about this area of the body, and go to town! Wrapping Up So, now that you’ve jumped through these seemingly endless hoops, you’re ready at last! As I said before, anyone can enjoy anal activity. Some mistakenly believe it to be the sole purview of gay men, or that doing it as a male will somehow “turn you gay.” This is an unfortunate distortion that I strive to rectify. I will say that if you are having anal sex that involves a penis, it is wise to use a condom, particularly in a casual setting, to reduce the risk of STI transmission. Many folks that engage in anal sex, especially receptive anal sex, take the medication PReP (Truvada or Descovy) to reduce the risk of HIV transmission. While this is a fantastic preventative measure, it does not account for other sexually transmitted infections. Though DoxyPeP (antibiotics like doxycycline) is increasingly being used as a prophylactic against other STIs (e.g. gonorrhea and chlamydia), it’s always a good idea to communicate safer sex practices and needs to partners, especially new ones. Use lots of lube (silicone-based can be enjoyable but can stain sheets and erode silicone toys so you may want to opt for water-based) and have fun! For further reading (more from a gay male perspective) check out “How to Bottom Like a Porn Star” by Woody Miller or for a more light-hearted approach to pegging (the practice of anal sex via a strap-on dildo), check out the pegging episode (“Knockoffs”) of the Comedy Central hit “Broad City” (streaming on Hulu as well). Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNListen to your body above all else. If you’re new to all this, you might experience some (manageable) discomfort. If pain is more acute, it may be an indication to slow down and prepare a bit more. As with so many things sexual, an open and relaxed mind is your key to fulfillment. So disinhibit a little (within reason) and enjoy yourself! If you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about your values around anal sex. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist Have you been led to believe that pain with sex is normal, or that sex is supposed to hurt? If so, you’re definitely not alone, but I am here to tell you that painful sex is NOT normal and should NOT be tolerated. Yet, pain with sex is incredibly common, and up to 40% of those who experience this do not seek out medical care. In this blog, I am going to break down what exactly painful sex is for vulva owners, what can cause it, and what can be done about it. Just a brief clarification before we get started - pain with sex is very broad and complicated in nature and can present differently from person to person. If you are experiencing any kind of pain with sex, I hope this blog post gives you some confidence to do something about it and take back your sex life, because you deserve a satisfying and pleasurable sex life if you want one. Terminology Breakdown Regarding Painful Sex First, I want to describe exactly what I mean when I say “pain with sex.” I am referring to genitopelvic pain, or pain originating anywhere in the external genitals (including the vulva, external clitoris, perineum, labia majora, and labia minora) or in the internal genitals (including the vagina, cervix, ovaries, and uterus) during sexual activity. Dyspareunia is the medical term for pain with penetrative sex and can occur before, during, or after sexual intercourse. Vulvodynia is the medical term for pain in the vulvar region that greatly varies from person to person and depending on the cause. Your pain may come and go, remain relatively constant, or only flare when the area is touched or provoked. It can also occur outside of sexual activity/the area being touched. You may experience burning, soreness, stinging, rawness, or a sharp/knife-like pain. If you are experiencing any sort of sexual pain, it will be important to get specific with your doctor. One of the biggest details to consider is where exactly does it hurt? If you are unsure how to describe this, it can be helpful to become acquainted with your genitals. Though it may be uncomfortable at first, grab a handheld mirror and take a look down there. You can also print out an anatomy sheet and try to identify your own parts. This can help you be clearer with your doctor and other professionals when trying to describe where exactly it hurts. *If you become self-conscious or experience shame when looking at your genitals, challenge this! Genitals come in so many different shapes and sizes and are all beautiful. You could journal about where this shame may originate from, where you learned it, and how it impacts you. A sex therapist can also help you work through this. Some other things to consider before visiting your doctor about painful sex:
The Vast Array of Potential Causes of Pelvic Pain for Vulva Owners As I mentioned earlier, sexual pain is complicated and there are many things that can contribute to it. It’s also important to note that there likely isn’t one single cause, but several, all contributing to the pain. It may feel overwhelming, but fear not! It is treatable. Knowing the potential cause(s) of your pain is a big step towards being able to treat it. Here are a few of the many potential causes:
The Silver Lining: Treatment Options for Painful Sex Since many things can contribute to genito-pelvic pain, you may have to take a holistic approach and involve several professionals. This can include a primary care doctor/gynecologist who can do an external/internal examination and run appropriate tests/lab work. Pelvic Floor Physical Therapists can help the muscles of the pelvic floor work properly including teaching you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. A sex therapist/mental health professional trained in sexual concerns can help with the emotional and relational effects that the pain has caused, address sexual anxiety/trauma/anything else that may be psychologically contributing to your pain. If you are partnered, the pain may also be causing relationship distress. It can be helpful to open up a conversation with your partner(s) about the pain you are experiencing, what you would like to do about it, and how it’s impacting your relationship emotionally and physically in a non-sexual context. Also know that sex and intimacy does not only have to be penetration or the certain activities you find painful. Try broadening your definition of sex and intimacy and engage in other activities that do not cause you pain such as kissing, massages, oral sex, using a sex toy, listening to erotica together, shower together, mutual masturbation, or anything else you find enjoyable! The options are endless. Want to Talk With an Expert? Begin Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.You are not alone in your pain, it is not normal, it can be improved, and you deserve a pleasurable and satisfying sex life! I hope this blog provided you with some hope and knowledge about the many different treatment options available. Sex therapy is becoming more popular and normalized, too! If you've been wondering about topics of a more intimate nature and want support, an expert sex and relationship therapist in our Plymouth, MN therapy practice can help. Let us help you take those first steps to embracing your sex life more fully. In fact, we can help you wherever you are in the state via online sex and relationship therapy in Minnesota!
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaOur therapists want to support people from all walks of life and all stages of relationships. In addition to couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Happy reading! We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!SOURCES:
Coping Mechanisms have been around since the days of Freud. The meaning behind them has changed and been adapted over the years. You’ve probably heard it talked about in popular media or even by peers but what are coping mechanisms? Coping is using thoughts and behaviors to help manage internal or external stressful situations. The mechanisms are the actual thoughts and behaviors used to help manage stressful or highly emotional situations. Not all coping mechanisms are positive and not all are negative. It largely depends on the individual and whether it is affecting their daily functioning or mental health. Modern therapists continue to use coping mechanisms as a way to explore the issues that individuals come to therapy for. Coping mechanisms can be adaptive and helpful or maladaptive and harmful. It’s important to explore what they are and why they are being used. Different Coping Mechanisms For Different People There are many different types of coping mechanisms, but they can be broken down into four main subsets: Problem-Focused, Emotion-Focused, Meaning Focused, and Social Coping. Problem-Focused Coping Mechanisms include any thought or behavior that directly addresses the problem or distress head-on. This could include planning, creating to-do lists, prioritizing tasks or events, etc. Anything that looks logically and directly at the problem itself would be included in this category. Emotion-Focused Coping Mechanisms include any thought or behavior that helps reduce the negative emotions attached to the distress. This could include cognitive reframing, humor, suppressing emotions, mindfulness practices, drinking alcohol, journaling, engaging in sexual behavior, etc. These coping mechanisms are all about reducing and sometimes avoiding the emotions associated with stressful events. Meaning Focused Coping Mechanisms include thoughts and behaviors that help an individual derive meaning from stressful situations. This could include turning to religion, practicing gratitude, searching for the silver lining or positives in situations, etc. These help individuals reframe the situation into one that is more manageable. Social Coping refers to an individual reaching out for social support. This could be reaching out to family, friends, community members, or a therapist. This type of coping helps individuals feel less alone and feel that they can face large challenges. Sexual Coping: The Signs and Signals Hypersexuality is not considered a DSM diagnosis and can be incredibly subjective; however, it is defined as indulging in excessive sexual behaviors including but not limited to intercourse, pornography consumption, compulsive masturbation, etc. What is considered problematic sexual behavior, as stated before, is subjective to the individual in question; however, it is generally considered excessive and problematic when it interferes with one or more areas of functioning in someone’s life. Sexual behavior, such as intercourse, porn, masturbation, etc, is something that is done for a number of reasons. It can be simply to enjoy a pleasurable experience, to connect with a partner, or even to help boost your mood. So, what draws the line between a positive relationship with sex and a problematic one? While this can be subjective there are some signs that you may not have a positive relationship with sex. Firstly, a strong indicator of a problematic relationship with sex is when sex or sexual behaviors start to become or feel compulsive. This could be feeling out of control in the type of sexual behaviors you are experiencing, or feeling as if you need to constantly engage in the behaviors. This also may lead to risky sexual behaviors such as unprotected sex or engaging in sex under the influence. This isn’t the same as an addiction, because there isn’t a chemical compound in sexual behavior that causes a neurological feedback loop. Another indicator of a problematic relationship with sex is when it becomes the main or only go-to for coping with major distress and emotional upheavals. As stated before it can be used to boost an individual's mood and it’s not inherently negative. However, when it becomes the only way to cope and begins to interfere with daily functioning or has adverse effects then it’s less of a positive mood boost. Sex can be a way to connect with a partner, but when you begin to use sex as a maladaptive coping mechanism connection and emotional intimacy are usually pushed to the side. In some cases, sex is used as a way to avoid that intimacy altogether, and the individual may struggle to make any emotional connections with someone. Finally, using sex as a maladaptive coping mechanism may create negative emotional consequences that were unexpected. These could include depressive symptoms, feelings of shame, guilt, or even regret. This usually leads to a pattern where sex is used to attempt to mitigate the feelings, but instead perpetuates the feelings. Reaching Out For Help Coping mechanisms are not always easy to identify or stop as they are serving a purpose in your life. Maybe drinking helps you avoid negative emotions. Or sex helps give you a rush of adrenaline and dopamine, which boosts your mood. Planning out your entire day helps with the anxiety of a busy life. All coping mechanisms are created for a reason, and some are more positive than others. Maladaptive coping mechanisms can cause damage to your mental health as well as other areas of your life. Additionally, individuals who engage in more maladaptive coping mechanisms are more likely to engage in risky behaviors associated with those coping mechanisms such as unprotected sex. So, when is it necessary to reach out for help? Unfortunately, this isn’t a question that can easily be answered as it’s subjective to the individual and their level of sexual functioning. As problematic sexual coping mechanisms, as well as other maladaptive coping mechanisms, start to interfere with daily functioning and mental health, that can be a strong indicator that help might be needed. Think You Might Be Using Sex to Cope? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNTalking with an expert sex therapist can be helpful for this topic and many times sexual behavior itself is not the main focus of therapy, instead, therapy focuses on the reasons for needing a coping mechanism in the first place. This work is usually done in conjunction with work to decrease maladaptive sexual coping mechanisms. This will include a lot of self-reflection, working on self-awareness, and developing alternative coping strategies while continuing to challenge negative beliefs and attitudes. All of which can be successfully worked through. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing, not just a coping mechanism. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here! References Algorani EB, Gupta V. Coping Mechanisms. [Updated 2023 Apr 24]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2023 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559031/
Fontanesi, L., Marchetti, D., Limoncin, E., Rossi, R., Nimbi, F. M., Mollaioli, D., Sansone, A., Colonnello, E., Simonelli, C., Di Lorenzo, G., Jannini, E. A., & Ciocca, G. (2021). Hypersexuality and trauma: A mediation and moderation model from Psychopathology to Problematic Sexual Behavior. Journal of Affective Disorders, 281, 631–637. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2020.11.100 R221121. (2023, July 12). Is sex your coping mechanism? here’s how to stop. Healthshots. https://www.healthshots.com/how-to/sex-as-coping-mechanism-how-to-stop-it/ As you know this season of Love is Blind was full of drama and things to discuss. I am going to only discuss one portion for the purposes of this blog – and that is Clay talking about how he is afraid of cheating on AD. He says it so many times it sounds like a threat more than a discussion. Infidelity is a choice…but Clay had good reason to be worried about cheating due to his family history of infidelity. Clay had the right idea discussing his fears of cheating with AD, but he didn’t have the right follow-up or execution. When Infidelity is NormalizedIf you grow up seeing your parents or other role models doing certain things you are likely to emulate it. Even if you see these things and think you never want that to be you. Sometimes our unconscious gravitates toward the familiar even if that is not in our best interest.  How to “Cheat Proof” Your RelationshipTalk About it with Your Partner Clay told AD that growing up he saw his dad and other male role models cheating. He said this led him to believe that this is what men did. I appreciate his honesty in telling her his fears about his own ability to stay faithful. But if sharing these fears with AD is the only thing he ever does to stay faithful he likely won’t be successful. Seek Therapy & Understand Your Values Clay should seek therapy and do a deep dive into what he witnessed and how it made him feel. He needs to intentionally sort out what he wants his own values to be in his marriage related to fidelity and make sure he is living by those each day. It is not sufficient to simply have the value to “not cheat”. What are the values that lead you to the conclusion that cheating is not something you want to be a part of your relationship? Sample Values Related to Fidelity
Co-create and abide by a marriage agreement around fidelity What do we each consider cheating? What do we consider inappropriate behavior that could lead to cheating? Some examples of things to discuss are listed below. Please note that just because a topic or behavior is on this list doesn’t automatically make it cheating or make someone likely to cheat. These are topics that everyone in a romantic/sexual relationship should discuss and come to an agreement on.
 Consider talking to a couples therapist or online therapistSo Clay…if you’re reading this…remember that just admitting you’re afraid to cheat isn’t enough. Start with this list and go from there. And that goes for anyone else who may be afraid of sabotaging relationships with infidelity. Set your relationship up for success! Read about other seasons of Love is Blind here, or read more about couples therapy and marriage counseling hot topics on our therapy blog. (Not sure what ENM means? Do you need a sex room? (spoiler alert: YES, you do need a sex room!) Thinking about opening your relationship? Interested in knowing more about self-love and pleasure?) Of course, if you're anywhere in Minnesota and want to connect, we would love to talk with you about relationships, sexual concerns, trauma and PTSD, and more.
Sex Therapy and Couples Counseling Services in MinnesotaOur LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Our mental health services include sex therapy, therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Josalin Brausen, Masters Intern Therapist There is a myth out there I want to bust - that you cannot honor and explore your queerness when in a committed, long-term relationship with a straight partner. This commonly believed myth perpetuates so much stigma and imposter syndrome within queer individuals who are with a straight partner or in a “straight passing” relationship. It can lead people to feeling like they don’t truly fit in anywhere, not with the LGBTQIA+ community but also not in the heterosexual space. I want to shatter this narrative. In this blog post I will dive into ways you can honor your queerness when with a straight partner, and spoiler alert, the answer is not just to have queer sex outside of the relationship. First Up - Shift Your Narrative Around Relationships and Queerness If you are feeling a sense of imposter syndrome with your queer identity because you are with a straight partner, or in a straight-passing relationship, it’s important to first define what being queer means to you. You may be facing quite a bit of homophobia or invalidation from others - people telling you it was “just a phase”, or accusations of lying about your identity or that you’re just looking for attention. These false narratives and microaggressions can be extremely difficult to break free from. They limit what being queer looks like to a very narrow window of acceptability, claiming you have to be with a certain person or look a certain way to “fit in.” However, the truth is that YOU get to define what being queer means for you. Your partner or how you look does not define your sexuality or gender identity. YOU DO. As much as I wish I didn’t have to write that, it’s common for people to need this reminder, because of our societal expectations. Below I will share some ways you can honor and express your queerness, but you are free to do whatever feels right for you, and be creative! Creatively Express Your QueernessThink about how you can express your queerness creatively. Try out any medium that feels right for you - painting, music, writing, talking - and express your definition of queerness. Find Your (LGBTQ+) CommunityThe next recommendation I have is to find your community. Get involved in your local LGBTQIA+ community by attending events, volunteering, reading books by queer authors, listening to queer musicians, attending queer art shows, following queer people on social media, or anything else that helps connect you with other members of the community. Some other resources that may be helpful to get you started:
Open Up to Your Partner When you feel like you’re ready, it may be helpful to open up to your partner(s) about your identity, what it means to you, how they can best support you, and what this may look like within your relationship. Keeping your feelings and identity bottled up inside can contribute to the false narrative that your queerness is scandalous or something that should be hidden. When beginning this conversation with your partner(s), it’s important to pick a time when you both feel calm, centered, and have plenty of time to talk. It may also be beneficial to remind your partner(s) that this part of your identity is not a reflection of the relationship, but rather a part of you that you would like to explore more. Once you have shared, give your partner(s) space to share their thoughts and feelings. If you are struggling with this conversation, meeting with a couple or relationship therapist can be really helpful. When looking for a therapist, be sure to find a therapist who is LGBTQIA+ affirming to help you and your partner(s) navigate this. Exploring Your Queerness PhysicallyIf you are interested in exploring your queer identity physically, there are many ways to do that both in and outside of your current relationship. A great place to start can be through solo sex or masturbation. Try incorporating ethical queer porn or erotica into your masturbation routine. Honor any sexual fantasies that come up and lean into them however, makes sense for you. You could also incorporate ethical queer porn or erotica into partnered sexual activity if your partner(s) is on board. If you want sexual experiences with people of different genders than your partner(s), that is okay! Opening your relationship and exploring ethical non-monogamy is an option, but takes careful planning and consideration. Meeting with a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy can be a great place to have these conversations with your partner and figure out the logistics of how it would work for your relationship.  Consider Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling with an LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapist in Plymouth, MNIn closing, remember that your queerness is all your own, and is never defined by anyone else. Also, in case you are wondering, YOU ARE QUEER ENOUGH, and you belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. Give yourself plenty of grace along this journey and reach out for help when you need it. A strong support system is crucial. Happy exploring! For more support and the marriage counseling or couples therapy you deserve, our sex therapists are ready to help. In fact, our relationship therapists can help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaOur therapists want to support people from all walks of life and all stages of relationships. In addition to couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Happy reading! We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!! As BDSM and rough sex become more and more popular throughout the media, and in our lives it’s important to learn how to do things in a safe manner. Maybe you’ve always been curious about exploring the rougher side of sex and intimacy. Maybe there are certain roles or scenes you’ve wanted to try but aren’t sure where to start. Maybe you’re nervous about getting hurt physically or emotionally. This blog series is all about curiosity and exploration while teaching you the tools to keep you and your partner(s) safe. Kink/BDSM at its core is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There are always two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominants hold the control in scenes, whereas the submissives give up control in scenes. As the previous blogs have spoken about, Dominants and submissives have many different styles and work together to create a fulfilling scene and/or dynamic. But how do you begin to talk about what you want from a scene or dynamic? How do you make sure everyone is safe? In this blog post, I’ll be going over the ways to be safe and to negotiate for what you need and want in kink. The Best Scenes Are The Safest Scenes Safety is the number one rule in kink and BDSM. And not just physical safety but mental and emotional safety as well. Safety and concern for your partner within BDSM is the line that separates consensual acts from abusive and manipulative acts. There are many different guidelines and philosophies for safety within kink. It’s important to find one that fits your practice and lifestyle, as each has pros and cons. First, the most basic philosophy is Safe, Sane, and Consensual kink (SSC). This is the oldest ethical framework that exists for kink practice and came around even before BDSM and the community was truly a thing. This framework has a main focus on keeping individuals safe from harm, both physically and mentally. However, it lacks the spectrum that safety can exist on between completely harmless to extremely risky. And is it not up to the individual to decide what is safe enough to risk? That leads to what’s called Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This guideline took the previous ideas of Safe, Sane, and Consensual with the added factor of understanding the inherent risk to some kink activities. Consent is still the main component, but it understands that some kink practices, such as needleplay, can be inherently risky. It’s up to the individuals engaging in it to be aware of those risks and create as much safety as there can be within those agreed-upon scenes. The next philosophy that builds on the previous two is called Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK). This framework of course includes consent as well as being informed of the risks, but it adds another layer: personal responsibility. This is an important aspect of kink and boils down to being responsible for your own safety by informing your partner of your limits, and the risks involved, and using safe words when needed. It stresses that it is not just one person’s sole responsibility, usually the Dominant, to keep everyone safe in the scene. Each partner has a responsibility to each other and themselves to keep everything as safe as possible. Words to Stop and Words to GoSafe words are words or physical signals that are used to indicate how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, or physically in a scene. Safe words are generally used as a way to stop a scene when one or both partners need the scene to end for any multitude of reasons. A lot of times, individuals come up with an agreed-upon safe word that will indicate to the other person to immediately stop what they are doing and move to aftercare. However, there are also safe words that are used to let the other person know to either keep going or slow down. Safe words at their core are used to indicate how someone is feeling and don’t have to be used to only stop a scene. Many individuals use what is called the stoplight method. Green means to keep going, yellow means to slow down or check-in, and red means to stop everything immediately. This is a great way to keep the line of communication open during scenes and check-in, instead of waiting for someone to call out red or a hard stop safe word. Safe words are important communication tools and are directly in line with the PRICK philosophy of it being partly your responsibility to keep yourself safe. Drawing A Line In Sand And A Line In Stone Limits are important to discuss early on in dynamics and always need to be discussed before scenes so that important boundaries are not crossed. There are two main types of limits: soft limits and hard limits. You may be thinking, well a limit is a limit why differentiate? It is important to differentiate the two because they have very different meanings. Hard limits are boundaries that under no circumstance can be crossed. These can be things such as triggers, acts that you don’t wish to participate in, physical limitations, or even names you don’t want to be referred to as. Hard limits are never up for negotiation and must be respected by a partner at all times. If a partner attempts to push the boundaries of a hard limit that is a major red flag in that dynamic. In contrast, soft limits are things that you might be willing to explore or discuss. They aren’t things that are triggering for you or things that will cause mental and/or physical harm. They are typically acts or scenarios that you find some interest in but aren’t ready to explore yet, or they are acts that you don’t love but don’t hate and are willing to discuss their use. For example, let’s say you don’t love to kneel in the corner as a punishment, but you feel okay with your partner using it with your consent. That could be considered a soft limit that is discussed between both partners on how to use it. Soft limits are not something that should ever be crossed without your explicit consent and may be something that you never wish to cross. That’s okay. They aren’t set in stone as things you will try in the future. You can always change your mind about them and take them off the table at any time. They are also something that can be discussed and negotiated with a partner, but ultimately you have the final say about the soft limit. Exploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner's needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it's important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe. Sign On The Dotted LineNegotiations are putting everything I discussed above into practice. Negotiations are not just a one-time thing and should continue to happen throughout the relationship/dynamic. Communication about limits, likes, and safe words is always something that needs to happen before scenes and always while in a competent unimpaired headspace. This means discussed while sober, but it also means discussed without any type of power exchange weighing on the conversation. When negotiating, individuals are equal in their power so that one or both are not influenced to try and please the other. It is especially important that submissives feel safe during these negotiations to say no and state their limits and boundaries. There are many different ways to do negotiations. Many individuals find it helpful to fill out forms that can indicate their likes, soft limits, and hard limits. Usually, the forms have a space for each partner and can help facilitate discussions around matching likes and limits or contrasting likes and limits. Additionally, some individuals like, and even require, there to be a contract for a BDSM dynamic. It can sound scary, but it is made for the benefit of both parties, not to trap a submissive. It lists each person’s important likes and limits as well as the expectations for each person in the dynamic. It can also sometimes list rules for submissives, and what is required of their Dominant such as aftercare practices and check-ins. There is no wrong or right way to negotiate as long as it’s done in a safe and consensual manner before engaging in kink with another person. Explore In A Safe MannerExploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner's needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it's important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIf you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about BDSM. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here! ReferencesAdriana. (2023, March 24). SSC, Rack, Prick & CCCC: Safety in BDSM Guide. Bad Girls Bible. https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-ssc-rack-prick
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT Performance anxiety is a very common problem people run into when it comes to sex. There's pressure to please, be sexy, achieve erection or lubrication, have an orgasm, and so much more. It's no wonder so many people end up feeling expectation and pressure instead of anticipation and excitement around sex. This can lead to individuals or couples avoiding sex, intimacy, or even touch, as the problem continues to grow and build pressure the longer it goes unaddressed. Today I want to look at some of the primary causes of performance anxiety and a few ways to start working them out of your sex life. Sexual PerformanceThe first thing I want to address is the way we think about sex. Even the question "How can I stop my sexual performance anxiety?" portrays a mindset that isn't helping. So many people see sex as a performance. A show to be put on and rated or judged. When we think of performing, we usually think of a stage, being in the spotlight and striving for that standing ovation. This way of seeing sex immediately creates its own pressure, and pressure creates anxiety. It's natural to want to please your partner and be a caring and considerate lover. However, when we're performing, we're not sharing the experience with them, we're leaving them out of the equation. So how do we start shifting this mindset? Redefining Sexual Performance Success When I ask people in my office how they would define a successful sexual experience I most commonly hear things like: "It was fun", "We felt connected", and "We got to share something intimate." Most people don't want to define successful intimacy as "we mashed our bits together until someone had an orgasm and then we were done." For some reason though, this is the idea that our society has landed on as "success." It's also typically couples or individuals with this idea of sex that are experiencing the most "performance" anxiety. To start making this change, you can simply talk to your partner about how you'd each like to define successful intimacy. By broadening your definition of good intimacy, you reduce the pressure associated with sex. If success is a wider net, it's a whole lot easier to initiate knowing things can go well just by having the opportunity to feel connected to one another. The next piece of the performance mindset I want to look at is the fact that so many people try to shoot for the moon with each instance of sexual intimacy. The reality is that the sex you have is going to exist on a bell curve. There will be days when the sex is stellar and times when it's pretty mediocre and that's ok! Trying to have the best sex ever, every single time, creates an incredible amount of pressure. The thing is, if you're communicating well and have a healthy definition of successful intimacy, even if mediocre sex is going to be nice, it's still sex! Beyond that, by talking about sex and working on it as a couple, you can skew your bell curve so that things are more positive more often. As long as you know that sometimes it's not going to be the best and that's ok, you can take some pressure off. What happens if I fail? This question is one I see driving a great deal of sexual performance anxiety. There are so many people entering each session of intimacy fearing their partner's reaction to the loss of an erection, difficulty orgasming, orgasming too soon, and a myriad of other things. I like to acknowledge here that sex is important. A healthy sex life is key to an overall healthy and happy relationship. So the pressure you can feel around making sex work can be very real. However, I find that when people are struggling with fear of failure in sex, their view is very narrow. What I mean by this is that they worry that if things don't go well in any given instance of sexual intimacy, their partner is going to be hurt, reject them, or even leave them. While sexual challenges, if not discussed or worked on, can lead to relationships ending, this is true of any problem in a relationship. If you have a problem with conflict in your relationship, it'll eventually lead to the end of that relationship unless you address and resolve it. Sex is no more or less important than any other aspect of a healthy relationship. Patience and Commitment in Resolving Sexual ChallengesThe vast majority of relational problems take patience. We don't expect to fix communication overnight. Learning to effectively communicate using your partner's love languages can take time. Conflict management skills take years of practice to fully develop and never stop developing. But when it comes to sex, I see so many couples go into the bedroom aiming to just suddenly fix the problems they're having with no steps in the middle. Resolving sexual difficulties, performance anxiety included, takes time. Failing your sexual relationship is giving up on resolving problems, or never addressing them in the first place. As long as a couple is committed to addressing and working on their concerns, they're doing right by their relationship. Whether those problems are sexual or anything else. So let yourself back the pressure off of each sexual session and take a wider look at your sexual relationship as a whole. By giving yourself time, and trusting your partner, you reduce the pressure on any given moment and can take the time that's necessary to resolve the problem.  Take the First Step: Consult a Plymouth, MN Sex Therapist for Personalized SupportSo, how can I stop my sexual performance anxiety? The best way to do this is through a restructuring of how you as an individual, couple, or otherwise, look at sex. Talk to your partner to redefine what successful sex is. Broaden your definition to reduce pressure. Talk about what it means if things don't go well in any given sexual encounter. Finally, give yourselves the time it takes to resolve an issue instead of hoping it magically gets fixed in one try. If after all of that, you're still really struggling, reach out to a sex therapist. We're always here to help! When you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, simply:
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it also opens the door to finding new and exciting things about yourself and the world around you. Maybe it’s curiosity that brought you here to explore what kink and BDSM is all about. Or maybe it’s wanting to learn more about who you are in kink and BDSM. This blog series is all about curiosity, exploration, and giving you the inside scoop on what BDSM and kink is. Kink and/or BDSM at its core is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There are always two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominants hold control in scenes, whereas the submissives give up control in scenes. As the previous blog spoke about, Dominants have many different types of styles or combinations of styles. Similarly, submissives have many different styles and/or combinations of styles. In this blog post, we will be focusing on the submissive side of the exchange. Unlike Dominants, submissives don’t have set honorifics or ways in which they should be called. However, the name of their style and the way they describe their kink gives similar insight about who they are in kink. The Three Submissives: Submissive, Slave, Switch Submissive When describing submission there are three main umbrella terms that all styles fall into: submissive, slave, and switch. A submissive is an individual who enjoys giving up control within the confines of scenes or other specified scenarios and contexts that have been decided by both parties. Submissives have safe word/words as well as hard and soft limits that are decided by the individual. Hard limits are boundaries that a partner will not cross. Soft limits are things that may be explored at a later time but are not something someone wants to try right away and may never want to try down the line. Submissives typically do not have a total power exchange with a Dominant, but in some cases do develop one. Slave Slaves, in the context of BDSM and kink, are individuals who enjoy giving up complete control both in scenes and out of scenes. This is a completely consensual exchange and has nothing to do with what slaves are outside of kink and BDSM. They are typically a total power exchange relationship, where the Dom has complete control over nearly all aspects of the slave's life. Slaves also typically do not have safe words and do not have limits, or those limits are decided by their Dominant. Master/slave relationships take extreme levels of trust, and do not typically begin fully realized. Instead, they usually start out low risk with a lot of communication and a goal to eventually have a fully realized slave dynamic. Slaves usually follow a lot of rules and protocols, more so than any other style of submission. Switch Switches are individuals who enjoy being both a submissive and a Dominant. This can look a lot of different ways and is typically not an even 50/50 split between their submissive and Dominant side. Switches sometimes are in dynamics with other switches but can also function very well in dynamics with submissives or Dominants. Some individuals have dynamics that have scenes that are constantly changing in terms of who is the Dominant and who’s the submissive in scenes. Others are a submissive in one dynamic and a Dominant in a different dynamic. And there are some who are perfectly fine to just fill one role in a dynamic. There’s a lot of variety in how switches operate within the confines of BDSM. Dogs, Kittens, and Horses Oh My The previous Kink blog mentioned a Domination style of being an owner. While there are many aspects to being an owner, one main one is that typically pet play is present in the dynamic. Just as there are owners, there are pets. Individuals who consider themselves pets enjoy existing in an animal-like headspace during scenes and even outside of scenes. There are many different types of pets and different types of pet play. The most common animals are dogs, kittens, horses, pigs, and even sometimes wild animals such as wolves. Each pet has a different way of expressing their animal side and a different way of exploring the headspace in scenes. Some individuals like to be a lap pet and get a lot of cuddles and play with toys during scenes. Others enjoy doing training types of activities, such as learning to walk on a leash. The main aspect that all the different pet types have in common is wanting their Dominant to have an ownership role. Stuffies and The Littles Who Want ThemLittles and middles are the submissives who, generally, are the other half of Daddy/Mommy Doms. This isn’t always the case for all Daddy/Mommy Doms, but it is pretty typical for littles and middles to look for a caregiver or gentle-style Dominants. Littles and middles are individuals who enjoy scenes in a headspace that are younger than their own. This is also known as age play. Age play does not have to be any specific age, but instead focuses more on a feeling of youngness or a feeling of being more carefree than their adult headspace can create. Littles are usually individuals who find themselves in a headspace between toddler age to around age ten, whereas middles are individuals who enjoy a slightly older headspace around ages 10 to teenagers. It is important to note that age play has nothing to do with minors, and individuals who participate in age play are still fully cognizant of the fact that they are consenting adults. Whereas individuals who psychologically regress to a younger mental state are not cognizant of that fact and are not considered littles because they can no longer consent to adult activities when in a child mental state. Kinky Peter RabbitWhere there are riggers there are rope bunnies. Rope bunnies are individuals who enjoy being restrained as one of their main kinks, and typically enjoy shibari specifically. Shibari is Japanese rope bondage and is considered a form of bondage art. Bondage for submissives can be done for a number of reasons, sexual or otherwise. However, typically for rope bunnies, it creates a physical space of calm for them to disconnect and let go of the things around them. Many slip into what’s called subspace which is basically an altered state of consciousness, and can sometimes almost mimic a drug-induced high. Rope bunnies typically enjoy the physical aspect of being bound by their partner, but additionally enjoy the showcase of themselves as the art. This is sometimes done in public kink spaces, or even in photographs for themselves or others to see later. The Pain Players Individuals who enjoy physical and/or mental pain are also known as masochists. Masochism is the other side of sadism, and it is not uncommon for an individual to be both a sadist and a masochist. Masochism can come in many different forms and many levels of extremes. For some individuals, light spanking is the way they allow their masochism to shine through and for others, they prefer things such as needle play. Both are genuine ways of expressing masochism. There isn’t a certain threshold to reach in terms of the amount of pain to be considered a masochist. Masochists are not limited to physical pain and can also enjoy mental or emotional pain such as predicament play, humiliation/degradation, and hypnosis. Masochism is typically not the only style a submissive has, but there are individuals who practice masochism as their main or only kink. Money Makes The Subs Go RoundFinsubs or financial submissives are individuals who enjoy a dynamic centered around money or financial domination. As I described in my last blog post about Findoms, there are many ways to express financial submission. Some individuals enjoy paying for certain items or experiences for their Dom, whereas others enjoy having their money controlled or taken from them. Often, the act of financial submission is fulfilling for the submissive, and there’s no need for any other type of reward. For instance, individuals who enjoy what’s called financial draining get a mental and emotional rush at watching the Dom deplete their bank account, similar to the rush others might get from sex or other kink acts. There isn’t one correct way to be a finsub and for many finsubs, their dynamics revolve completely around the financial submission. For others, however, it is just a main aspect of their dynamics with other kinks and styles playing a part. The HuntedFor animals, prey is something that is hunted and the same can be said for submissives who consider themselves to be prey and experience their primal side. Primal play is all about an exchange of power and energy between two people. There is a hunting and catching aspect to the play done either in a human or animal headspace. Prey are individuals who like to give some resistance to their Dominant by either running, hiding, or fighting back. However, it’s the act of being captured, and consensually forced into doing what their Dom wants, that is the exciting part for prey. Primal play is a very raw and passionate kink that is mainly focused on the exchange of energy between people. Spicy SubmissivesIndividuals who enjoy pushing their Dominant’s buttons and challenging them are called brats. Similar to prey where they enjoy being put in their place, brats also enjoy getting a reaction from their Dom that makes them assert their dominance over them. There isn’t the same exchange of energy between brats and their Dom as there is for prey and hunters. Instead, it is done more in a playful way and is usually a way to get their Dom to give them a punishment that they enjoy. That is also known as a funishment, a punishment that is planned and enjoyed by both parties. Brat’s Doms are not always brat tamers but it’s important to always gain consent from your partner before engaging in bratty behavior. Some Dominants do not tolerate that type of play at all and as such are not a good fit for submissives who enjoy bratting. Explore and Learn Who You Are in KinkExploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be a new and exciting avenue to venture down. Even if you’re just starting out, or have been exploring for a while, there is always more to learn about yourself and the community. There is no right or correct way to participate in kink as a submissive, slave, or switch, it’s all about what feels right for you. Being true to yourself and what you like is the best and safest way to be a submissive. Never feel pressured to fit the mold a Dominant wants you to fit or what books and movies make you think you should be. As always, the most important things in BDSM are communicating, creating safe scenes and dynamics, and enthusiastic consent throughout. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNIf you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about BDSM. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
 Kink and BDSM has become a popular topic in recent years in books, movies, and social media. Many wonder what kink and BDSM is all about, and maybe you’re one of those people! What happens in those types of relationships? What are the different parts of practicing BDSM? Who are the different types of players and what are their roles? In this blog series, I’m going to give you the inside scoop on those questions and many more. Whether you’re just curious about it or ready to dive in, see what resonates with you and what aspects you might want to bring to your life. But, first things first: what even is Kink and BDSM? At its core, it is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. In the first two parts of this series, I’m going to be discussing the different roles that individuals take on in the power exchange. There are always at least two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. Part one will focus on the Dominant, who they are, and what they do. Dominants have many different styles and can go by many different titles, which are referred to as honorifics. Honorifics are important for a couple of reasons. They show respect for the Dominants’ position in the relationship, and sometimes within the community. They can also give information as to what style of Dom they are and how they practice their kink and BDSM. What is a Dom in kink?First and foremost, what is a Dom? A Dom (or the feminine version Domme) is someone who consensually holds the power in a BDSM relationship during sexual play, or at other agreed-upon times in the relationship. They only hold power freely given by their partner; they do not take that power by force or coercion. There are many different styles of Doms; none of which are the correct or only way to be, but instead offer a framework to grow into your own Domination style. You may find yourself fitting into many of these styles, none at all, or both dominant and submissive styles (covered in part 2 of the series). These descriptions are generalizations of each style and do not encompass every way of participating in BDSM as a Dom. Kink Roles: Master/Mistress A Master/Mistress style Dom is the style that individuals usually think of when they think of BDSM and is a very large umbrella encompassing many different versions. In general, this style of Dom holds a lot of control both in and out of scenes, and they usually have certain protocols surrounding their relationships/dynamics. While all Domination styles can, and usually do, include certain protocols Master/Mistress styles tend to be stricter in protocols for both them and their partners. Some Masters/Mistresses are considered High Protocol which is an elevated level of protocol and control in their relationships. Those individuals tend to have what’s called total power exchange (TPE) relationships, which are typically a 24/7 arrangement. In those relationships, the Dom is in control of many if not all aspects of their partner's life. On the other side some Master/Mistress style Doms exert a lot of control within scenes and play spaces but don’t have as much control or protocol outside of those spaces with their partners. Like many of these styles, there is no single way to do it and there can be a lot of variety. What is a Sadist?A Sadist style Dom is one who finds the most fulfillment from doing different types of consensual pain play and/or mind play with their partner. This can include a wide range of activities and can include but does not have to include physical pain. Examples include impact play, needleplay, predicament scenes, humiliation, degradation, etc. Their Domination and practice are generally centered around these types of play but are typically combined with other styles. However, there are individuals who consider Sadist their main or only Dom style. Hunter/PrimalSomeone who mainly enjoys primal play or primal style scenes may consider themselves a Hunter or a Primal Dom. They enjoy the chase and satisfaction of catching their prey. This can either be done in a human headspace or in an animal headspace. It can have overlapping features to pet play, but primal play and Primal Doms are usually distinguished by the actual hunt and attack aspects of the play. They tap into their primal nature, emphasizing the physical and emotional exchange of energy. One thing that makes Primal Doms different from other Doms is that they enjoy and expect consensual resistance from their partner. They expect their partner to run, hide, or even fight against them. The hunting aspect for Primal Doms is just as important as what follows. Similar to Sadists this can be just one part of their overall style of Domination, or it can be their only Dom style. Owner An owner can mean a couple of different things in BDSM. Plainly speaking it means to have consensual ownership of a partner in an agreed-upon relationship/dynamic. When it comes to the Dom style, however, that can also mean that you enjoy participating in pet play and owning a pet. Owners typically have partners that like to participate in pet play as one of their, or possibly only, types of kink play. Depending on the type of animal headspace their partner is drawn to, the Owner's style can vary. Some individuals enjoy having partners that they can train and control, whereas others enjoy having a partner that is more of a playful lap pet. Through the use of toys and accessories, an immersive experience is usually created for both parties to find fulfillment in. Daddy. Mommy. Caregiver.Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver style Doms take on a more nurturing approach to their Domination with their partner. They typically are gentler in their approach, but not always any less strict than other Dom styles. They enjoy guiding and providing structure and protection for their partner. The Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver Doms do not always adhere to the typical gender title; just as there can be female Daddys, there can also be male Mommies. Many times, this style of Dom engages in some sort of age play with their partner or “little”. However, it isn’t something that is required or always happens in this style of Domination. There can be some differences between a Daddy Dom and a Mommy Dom depending on how individuals practice. Daddy Doms typically are stricter, and more rule and structure-focused than Mommy Doms who are focused more on the nurturing and guiding side. RiggerIndividuals who consider themselves Riggers enjoy bondage as their main or only kink, specifically rope bondage. They feel fulfillment and enjoyment from creating rope art, also known as shibari, through intricate ties and often suspensions. By taking away the freedom of movement they create for their partner a place to be free emotionally and mentally. To be alone; to destress. Like other styles, they have a strong focus on the safety of their partner when in these bondage scenes. It takes a lot of training and practice to become skilled in shibari. They can create a lot of different scenes and sensations based solely on the material they use. FindommeFindommes or Financial Doms are those who enjoy and find fulfillment through Dominating their partner financially. This can be done in a lot of different ways. Some Doms have their partner or finsub send them money every month or have them pay for different things in their life. Some enjoy doing what’s called drains, where their sub watches as their money is taken out of their accounts. Others just enjoy controlling their partners' budgets and how they spend their money. There are many ways to do Financial Domination. For many individuals this is their main kink, but just like the others it can be in combination with other styles and other kinks. Enthusiastic Consent for BDSM & Domination There is no right type or wrong type of Domination in BDSM, as long as it’s all done with enthusiastic consent from your partner or partners. Which also includes extensive negotiations between partners, so everyone feels safe and that their needs are being met. The most genuine style of Domination is one that is almost an extension of yourself; not one that feels forced or put upon. BDSM and Dominance can be a new and exciting avenue to explore with a partner. However, it’s important to go slowly and communicate with your partner about your interests and explorations in this area. If you don’t have a partner Dominance can still be explored through self-exploration of likes and dislikes in kink. Both topics, and many more, will be discussed in future blog posts. Ready to Talk About Kink or BDSM? Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MNI hope this has helped you get more information on how to use BDSM, help you consider how to try BDSM or incorporate other erotic play into your sex life! In the meantime, consider talking with a professional about BDSM to get your questions answered. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT If you've done any couples therapy or spent time researching how to better your relationships on your own, you've probably heard of Gottman Therapy. John Gottman has been one of the most prolific researchers on couples therapy for decades, having authored over two hundred scholarly articles and more than two dozen books. With such a wealth of information, it can feel overwhelming when wondering where to start learning from his work. Today, I want to go over some basic Gottman Therapy concepts that you can start putting into practice in your own life and relationship. Discovering the Power of Gottman Method Couples TherapyPeople always give knowing looks when they say things like "relationships are work" but many people don't actually know what that work entails. Most people chalk it up to thinking that sometimes couples fight, or that things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. While it's true that relationships have challenges unless you're approaching them in a healthy way you're not "doing the work" you're just fighting. The work relationships take is about building and maintaining connection while handling conflict in a productive way that also moves your relationship forward. Let's look at a couple of ways Gottman therapy approaches these things. Building Strong Connections: The Love Maps of Gottman Therapy The first thing I really like to educate couples on is Gottman's concept of Love Maps. A Love Map is your road map to another person. It's everything from their favorite color or flavor of ice cream to understanding how they'd prefer to be comforted after a hard day or their relationship with their parents. Learning this information about your partner allows you to interact with them on a level that no one else can. My favorite thing about love maps is that they make your partner feel seen and appreciated as an individual. One way to do this is by using Love Maps to enhance the love languages to be a perfect fit for your partner. For example, if my girlfriend is having a bad day, I could pick up some flowers for her on my way home. This is already using love map knowledge. I have to be taking in love map information consistently enough to know that she's having a bad day. However, this is still just a basic use of the "gifts" love language. I know that McNuggets are her biggest guilty pleasure and if I bring those home instead of flowers she'll be much happier. By using what we know of one another to improve how we interact, we deepen our connection. One way to put in the work in a relationship is by always continuing to learn about your partner. After a couple of years together many people end up feeling like they know everything about their partner, but we are all constantly changing and growing so you can never stop learning. Navigating Conflict with Gottman Therapy: The Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom Next, let's look at some of Gottman Therapy's ideas about conflict. Conflict is challenging and unavoidable in relationships. Unfortunately, just having the fight isn't necessarily putting in the work. For all of us, there is always growing room and work to be done in how we do conflict. The first concept to look at here is how we start conflict. When conflict starts with an attack, the other person immediately gets defensive, even if the attacking partner's frustration is justified. Gottman calls this the "harsh startup." Softening your startup can be hard work. When we're upset about something we want to make our frustration heard. However, a harsh startup accomplishes the opposite of this by putting your partner on the defensive, where they are unwilling to listen. A good way to know if you or your partner are using a harsh startup, or to avoid doing so, is by looking for the presence of Gottman's four horsemen These horsemen are harbingers of doom for any relationship whether you're seeing them in conflict or anywhere else. These may come up for any couple, but if they do so consistently, it spells the end of the relationship the vast majority of the time. The Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Let's look at these four and how they come up in conflict.
Putting in the Work: Tips for Conflict Resolution and Relationship EnhancementIf you can work to keep these horsemen out of your conflict, you're really putting in the work. One tip I like to give people is to ask themselves what they really want when they engage in conflict. I think the number one answer is to be heard, and to have the conflict resolved. While it may feel satisfying to be sarcastic or petty, these things aren't helping you accomplish what you really want. Reminding yourself that it's in your own best interest to avoid these horsemen can help avoid them.  Your Journey Starts Here: Recommended Reading for Gottman Marriage CounselingGottman has a mountain of good literature and we'll be back to look at more concepts from his work! If you want to read about any of this on your own, I highly recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It's a great place to start putting in the work. Consider Gottman Couples Therapy in Plymouth, MNDon’t wait any longer to get the Gottman method couples therapy you deserve. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual and relationship concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Sexual Wellness and Couples Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to Gottman method couple therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, Eric Anfinson, MS LMFT In recent years we've begun to take small steps as a society in making it ok to discuss our sexuality and the challenges that it can present in our lives and relationships. One result of this change has been increased openness and conversation around porn use. Unfortunately, this has led to a lot of sensationalism and buzzwords being thrown around. Primarily, porn addiction. Today I want to really take a look at the idea of porn addiction. As part of this discussion, I'll also include how ideas around healthy personal sexuality show up in our relational sexual experience as well. "Porn Addiction" Isn't Actually a Thing To address the elephant in the room right away, let's talk about porn addiction. To put this as clearly as I can, porn addiction doesn't exist. This may cause some backlash or frustration for some but hear me out. Addiction is a very real and very serious concern. Addiction refers to a specific situation in which a thing is, in and of itself, addictive. Alcohol, Meth, nicotine, caffeine. These substances have legitimate chemical compounds that cause addictive feedback loops that can alter and control brain chemistry. No one is going to be retching on the floor going through porn withdrawals because they don't exist. Now, all this being said, porn use can certainly mimic some addictive behaviors, but there is one incredibly important difference when it comes to porn use. This difference is that porn is an incredibly effective maladaptive coping skill. When an individual is in pain, they seek any way to make that pain stop. They will lie, steal, cheat, and even cause harm to their lives and relationships to make that pain stop. Our primal drive to escape from pain is one of our most powerful and instinctive motivators. So, when someone discovers that porn can make that pain go away, even for a short time, they become compulsively driven to return to it. What they are "addicted" to is not being in pain, not the porn itself. All of these same things could be said of a shopping "addiction." For instance, somebody who is struggling with their mental health may find that buying new things gives them a brief high, where they can feel good. They may even drive themselves to financial ruin or cause major conflict in their relationships because they can't stop buying things. It's the only way they know how to make the pain stop. How Pain and Porn Relate, Really So, what is this pain? One of the main problems with this issue is that men, who primarily struggle with compulsive porn use, are not raised or cultured to be very emotionally intelligent or articulate. Nine times out of ten when I work with men who are struggling with this issue, they begin by telling me they have no idea why it's happening. However, as we explore their history and emotions, they're able to identify internal negative feelings about themselves, unprocessed trauma, depression, etc. Without the ability to identify your own internal pain, it's almost impossible to identify why you are compulsively using porn, let alone articulate those complex feelings to a partner. The amazing thing about this distinction is that if we can work in therapy to resolve this internal pain and teach healthy coping skills, the compulsive nature of the porn use entirely goes away. This is so important. So many individuals and couples that I talk to about this are terrified that they will have to cope with porn addiction in their lives or marriages forever or are worried they will have to end a relationship because of it. By treating the underlying issues we can truly fix this problem, and that's a hopeful thought. Sex Communicates a LOT of Different ThingsI want to take the time to note that these ideas are true of partnered sex as well. Sex communicates so many wonderful things: love, connection, value, desire, and so much more. And it should! Sex is a wonderful thing. However, these powerful messages can also serve as a powerful painkiller for internal pain. This can lead individuals to compulsively crave sex and pressure their partners for more intimacy as a way to feel loved, good, enough wanted, etc. As I said, sex should communicate all of these things, but if you don't already feel them internally then you end up relying on sex for them and that creates an unhealthy relationship with sex.  Concerned About a Porn "Addicted" Partner?The biggest message I want to communicate with everything I've said here is this: If you're scared that you or your partner are addicted to porn/sex, help them explore why they're using. What does it do for them? What are they getting out of it? Seek a sex therapist who uses the compulsive sexual behavior model and not a sex addiction model. If you're just treating the porn use, you're just putting a band-aid on a much deeper problem. No matter how many skills for control you stack on top of this, if you don't heal the deeper wound, the reason why the compulsive behavior is happening in the first place, then nothing is going to change. You can overcome this issue, you just need the right help. Consider Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.Sex and sexuality can be an incredible part of our lives as individuals or as partners. So many people have that joy taken from them, whether that's through sexual trauma, negligent education, cultural shame, or any number of reasons. You deserve to have sexuality be a bright spot of happiness in your life, not a place of fear or shame. We often say of sex therapy that when things are going well, sex is 10% of your life, it's important but so are other things. When sex is going wrong however, it becomes 90% and can feel like it's taking over your life. Let us help you take those first steps to taking your sex life back. If you're ready to talk with an online sex and relationship therapist in Minnesota, we can help!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller There frequently seems to be a myth that lubricants are only for people with vaginas who struggle with vaginal dryness. That is absolutely not the case. There is a lube for everyone and every type of sex. Sex researcher Debby Herbenick found in a research study that the use of lubrication was associated with more pleasurable and satisfying sex and masturbation. Not only can lubricants make sex more enjoyable, but they can also make sex safer! Yes, you heard that right. When having sex with a condom, using a lubricant makes it less likely for the condom to rip or tear, therefore decreasing your risk of pregnancy and STI transmission. Lube can also reduce the chance of tears in your skin, which again decreases your risk of STI transmission. Keep reading for some more things to consider as you start to incorporate lube into your sex life. The History of Lube Lube is not a new concept, in fact, it has been around for thousands of years. Around 350 BCE, people were using olive oil to help things glide more easily during vaginal and anal sex. Just to be clear, DIY lubricants are no longer recommended, particularly for penetrative sex. K-Y Jelly became the first product to be marketed and sold as a personal lubricant in 1917, however, it was only available by prescription from your doctor until the 1980s. In the 80s, lube continued to take off to where it is today, commonplace and easily purchased at most grocery stores and pharmacies. Different types of lubes and what to consider when you buy: Water-based lube: This is a versatile option, which can be used solo, with a partner, with a condom, or with sex toys. Water-based lubes are compatible with every sex toy material, including silicone, which is not the case for all other lubes. Silicone Lube: This is typically considered one of the most long-lasting lubricants, therefore, it is typically recommended for penetrative sex whether that is vaginal or anal. Because silicone lubes are more slippery and don’t dry out as quickly, silicone lube can also be used for water play. They are compatible with condoms, but not with silicone toys, so beware of that before using. Oil-based Lube: This is a great option when you do not plan on having penetrative sex. Oil-based lubes are not recommended for internal use (vaginally or anally) but are a great steamy addition to male solo sex or an erotic massage. Specialty Lubes: There are also a wide variety of fun lubricants to help add some spice to your sex life. This can include flavored lubes, warming and tingling lubes, and THC-infused lubes. It might be important to do more research to ensure that these lubes are right for you. Some things to remember are that flavored lubes are best for adding a delicious taste to your next oral sex adventure but are not as great for penetrative sex. Pleasure-enhancing lubricants can be a fun way to increase sensations, but it is important to test the lubricant on your wrist or arm before your genitals to make sure that you don’t have an allergic reaction. Similarly, THC-infused lubricants have a sensitizing effect but are only available in some states and for people over the age of 21. Lube is amazing, why isn’t everyone using it?I hope I have been able to convey that lube can be an incredible tool for increasing sexual pleasure and satisfaction. So then why was it that in 2020 nearly 250 million Americans said that they do not use lube? It appears that there can still be some embarrassment about using lube during sex. Ms. Brown, a sex coach and self-described “lube enthusiast” stated that “We live in a society where a self-lubricating vulva and vagina is celebrated and one that does not is shamed.” I understand where that fear of lubricants is coming from, but this is not just a tool for dealing with sexual dysfunction, it is a tool for everyone to increase pleasure! Find the Best Lube for You I am predicting that this embarrassment is about to change because lube is having a moment. Gone are the days when your lube comes in a dingy plastic tube that you want to hide away and causes a mess every time you use it. Now lube is coming in chic packaging that makes it resemble a high-end beauty product. Brands like Maude, Bloomi, Foria, and Dame, are all going to great lengths to make sure that their bottles are so aesthetic that you want to display them proudly on your nightstand. Want to join the lubricant movement? Figure out what type of lube is best for you, find a bottle that pleases your eyes, and show off that bottle where people can see it. It can be a great conversation starter and it could drastically improve your sexual pleasure. Want to Talk With an Expert? Begin Online Sex Therapy in Minnesota.It's not just lube that is having a moment. Sex therapy is becoming more popular and normalized, too! If you've been wondering about topics of a more intimate nature and want support, an expert sex and relationship therapist in our Plymouth, MN therapy practice can help. Let us help you take those first steps to embracing your sex life more fully. In fact, we can help you wherever you are in the state via online sex and relationship therapy in Minnesota!
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in MinnesotaIn addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex and relationship therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include therapy around sex and substances, couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you. Sources: We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!!See the full list here!
Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Masters Intern Therapist, Isabel Meyer-Mueller June is Pride Month! As a masters-level intern at a Plymouth, MN based sex therapy practice, I think that it is essential to center LGBTQ rights in my personal and professional life. At the core of my sex therapy practice is a belief that all people deserve bodily autonomy and the ability to express their sexuality in safe, respectful, and affirming environments. I believe it is essential that all people advocate for LGBTQ liberation because everyone deserves the right to have freedom over their bodies. In the words of the great civil rights leader Fannie Lou Hamer, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.” A good place to start is to learn more about the history of the Gay Rights Movement and Pride Month. Continue reading to learn about the Stonewall Riots, why Pride matters, where we are today, and how to celebrate.  Pride! A brief history.Pride month is a commemoration of the Stonewall Riots that took place in June 1969. Stonewall Inn was a gay bar in Greenwich Village Manhattan, a place where LGBTQ individuals could express themselves and socialize without worry about public stigma. The Stonewall Inn became a New York institution, welcoming drag queens, homeless gay youth, and the LGBTQ community at large. However, engaging in “gay behavior,” such as kissing, holding hands, or dancing with someone of the same sex was still illegal at the time. Therefore, police would often harass and raid gay bars. On June 28th, 1969, Stonewall was raided by police who arrested patrons and took them into police vehicles. Customers and onlookers became increasingly upset about this act of police violence and started to fight back, starting a 6-day protest event and eventually forcing the police to retreat. The following year, on the anniversary of the Stonewall riots, activists wanted to build on that spirit of resistance and organized the first-ever Pride parade. The theme “Gay Pride” was selected as the antithesis of the shame that was so prevalent in the gay community at the time. Three Reasons Why Pride Matters:
The Commercialization of Pride It is also important to recognize the ways that corporations coopt the meaning of Pride and profit from “rainbow-washing.” Rainbow washing is the act of advertising gay Pride through rainbow colors in order to indicate solidarity with the LGBTQ community without providing pragmatic support to that community. There has been concern that Pride is abandoning its roots in protest and revolution and is instead becoming a party. While it is important to have spaces where LGBTQ folks feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves authentically, wearing rainbow colors, and spending time together, Pride is about more than just that. Pride is about creating radical change in our society. I would encourage each of you to think about the ways that you celebrate Pride, particularly those of you that identify as LGBTQ allies. Are you providing financial contributions to organizations that are actively fighting for LGBTQ rights and well-being? Are you engaging in the work of activists, particularly LGBTQ people of color? Or are you engaging in performative allyship by purchasing a rainbow item from a corporation that does not hold LGBTQ at the forefront of its business? How and Where to Celebrate in the MN Twin CitiesPride will take place June 23rd to June 25th at Loring Park in Minneapolis. The 51st annual Twin Cities Pride Festival will feature local BIPOC and LGBTQ+ vendors, food courts, a beer garden, and music stages. Learn more about upcoming events and how to get involved here: https://tcpride.org/festival/. LGBTQ-Centered Therapy in Minnesota At the Sexual Wellness Institute, our therapists are trained to facilitate LGBTQ-centered therapy and position topics of power, privilege, and difference at the forefront of our work. Whether you are seeking to explore your gender and sexual identity, cope with societal stigma and LGBTQ oppression, or looking for techniques to enhance your sexual satisfaction, we have therapists that are ready and able to help. Reach out today because you deserve a safe space to receive affirming care. Our couples and marriage therapists want to help you with sex therapy or marriage counseling here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:
Other Relationship & Mental Health Services in MinnesotaIn addition to couples therapy & marriage counseling, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include sex therapy, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled therapist! Your love life can be amazing. We're thrilled to be named one of the "Top 20 Sex Therapy Blogs You Need to Follow"!!! |