Anal: Deeper Dives

​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Therapist, James Chadwick, MSW LICSW

So you want to take it in the butt? Now what?

Well, there could be at least two possible lingering impediments. Particularly for the cisgender heterosexual male reader, you may be wondering if curiosity or even enjoyment of anal play makes you gay. 1) It doesn’t and 2) it’s probably a fantastic opportunity to examine potential homophobia that you might be perpetuating. Sexual orientation is typically far more complex than a single sexual act and usually encompasses romantic or affectional preferences. Moreover, if you land at the (I would argue correct) conclusion that there’s simply nothing wrong with being a gay man, you’re far more likely to fully enjoy anal play for all that it can offer.
You’re probably also worried about poop. Be honest, and don’t be shy! It’s ok. As I’ve said, shit happens, and if you are keen on minimizing the occurrence of it I would refer you to my past blog “The Back Door Is Open!” 

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(Anal) Sex Worth Having

So we’ve identified some sexual brakes to anal play (“threat to masculinity” and “mess.”) Potential pain is certainly another; I think it follows that if something hurts you’re going to be averse to it (I’m guessing that no one is reading this with their hands on a stove. Unless you’re into that, and I’d be the last to stop you or yuck your yum, as long as it’s safe and consensual!).
The late great sex educator and host of Talk Sex, Sue Johansen, (rest in power, and thanks for keeping me company on late-night TV when I shouldn’t have been watching!) was fond of suggesting that “if anal hurts, you’re doing it wrong.”   
While this is generally accurate, I think it falls a little short. As I mentioned briefly in “The Back Door Is Open,” there are two ring-like muscles that control the sphincter, one that is controlled more voluntarily than the other. There is a fair amount of stretching that occurs during anal play, and if you ram something or someone in there like you may have seen in porn, it will probably hurt. As Sue also famously said (and I’m paraphrasing here - it’s been a good two decades since the Talk Sex days..), “lube is your friend.”

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Start Small & Come as You Are

I would say depending on what you are inserting, and I stand by my recommendation to start quite small as long as it has a flared base, there may be a manageable amount of pain, and it is pretty likely to subside as you become more familiar with sensations. Obviously everyone has different pain thresholds and it is crucial to listen to your body and take a break if the pain is unbearable.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, badass bestselling author of “Come As You Are,” writes extremely eloquently about “sex worth having.” The general idea is that in order to desire sex, it has to be sex that you are genuinely and unequivocally interested in, or sex worth having. I’m not sure that she had anal sex in mind per se, but I think it absolutely applies here. The mind is your most powerful sex organ - not anything between your legs, sorry! - and a natural curiosity and embrace of this kind of sexual exploration will likely take you a long way. This leads me to a further consideration: broaching anal play with a partner or partners, particularly if anyone has reservations.

The More the Merrier!

Generally speaking, anal sex is a great practice to share. The anus is a prominent erogenous zone, packed with nerve endings, to say nothing of prostate stimulation. It follows that giving and receiving pleasure of any variety can be a solid form of fostering intimacy between partners. And, just as there can be and often are stark differences in libido generally between partners, there can be dramatically different ideas about and approaches to anal sex. 

Learning About Anal Sex Helps

Education, be it a resource like this blog, work with an attuned clinician, or something else, can lay the groundwork for exploration. If we use attachment theory as a framework, it’s imperative to establish a secure base and feel sufficiently safe to begin a new behavior. Empathy is also key; rather than attacking a partner’s reservations or resorting to defensiveness, endeavor to really understand their point of view. Consent is paramount, always.  Even if the end result is to abandon exploration, you will likely walk away feeling closer emotionally, which is a win in my book.

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Consider Meeting with a Sex Therapist in Plymouth, MN

In summary, I hope that these thoughts work to start demystifying a widely practiced and enjoyed area of sexual exploration - have fun! If you aren't yet sure where to start or have more questions, consider talking with a professional about your values around anal sex. Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Learn more about yourself, and your partner(s), to have a more fulfilling (and fun) sex life.

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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