5 Essential Questions to Ask Your Partner About Sex (and Why They Matter)

​​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT

So things might not be going that well with your sex life. Or, maybe they are going okay, but you wonder if I could be better but you’re not sure how to approach it. Here are 5 questions to ask your partner about sex that will help you have a greater understanding of their desires, boundaries, and preferences. I hope this ignites some great conversations to create deeper intimacy with you and your partner(s)!

1. What do you enjoy most about our sex life?

Why It Matters:
This question is a fantastic opener for discussions about pleasure and connection. By asking your partner what they enjoy, you’re not only inviting them to share their favorite experiences but also signaling that their pleasure is a priority for you.
How to Approach It:
Set the mood for a relaxed conversation—maybe during a cozy evening at home or while enjoying a quiet dinner. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about what makes our time together special. What parts of our sex life do you love the most?” This can lead to insights about specific acts, settings, or emotional connections that heighten their enjoyment. It’s also a chance to explore if there are aspects you might not have considered before!

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2. Are there any fantasies or desires you’ve wanted to explore?

Why It Matters:
Discussing fantasies can be incredibly liberating. It creates a safe space for both partners to express their desires without judgment, encouraging vulnerability and trust. If it goes well your partner will feel really seen and understood by you sexually. This question can also open doors to new adventures that bring excitement to your relationship.
How to Approach It:
Try to initiate this conversation when you both feel relaxed and connected. You might say, “I love learning more about you. Are there any fantasies you’ve thought about but haven’t shared yet?” Listen attentively, and remember that this is about exploration, not pressure. If your partner shares something unexpected, approach it with curiosity—ask follow-up questions to understand their vision and see how you can both make it a reality.

3. How do you feel about our current level of intimacy?

Why It Matters:
Intimacy goes beyond the physical; it encompasses emotional closeness and connection. This question helps assess whether both partners feel satisfied and supported in their relationship. It opens the door for discussing any feelings of distance or disconnection that may need addressing.
How to Approach It:
Find a quiet moment when you both feel comfortable. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about how we connect with each other. How do you feel about our level of intimacy?” Pay attention to your partner’s feelings—this is a chance to listen and validate their experiences. Whether they express joy, concern, or a desire for change, responding with empathy can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds.

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4. What are your boundaries when it comes to sex?

Why It Matters:
Understanding boundaries is crucial for ensuring both partners feel safe and respected. This question allows for clear communication about what is acceptable and what isn’t, helping to build trust and confidence in your sexual relationship.
How to Approach It:
Bring this topic up in a calm and supportive atmosphere. You might say, “I think it’s important for us to know each other’s boundaries. What are some things that feel comfortable for you, and are there any hard limits I should be aware of?” Encourage your partner to express their thoughts freely, and share your own boundaries as well. This can create a collaborative atmosphere where both partners feel empowered to explore within safe parameters.

5. How can we improve our sexual relationship?

Why It Matters:
This question promotes a mindset of growth and teamwork. It invites both partners to reflect on their experiences and come together to create a more satisfying sexual relationship. It’s about building a shared vision for intimacy. No matter how good your sex life is, there’s always room for more conversations on how to fine tune it. So don’t think of this as a conversation to dump on your sexual relationship but more of a way to continue to grow together sexually.
How to Approach It:
Introduce this conversation by expressing your desire for a fulfilling sex life for both of you. You could say, “I really value our time together and want to make sure we’re both getting what we need. How do you think we can enhance our sexual relationship?” Encourage your partner to share their thoughts, and be open to their suggestions. Whether it’s trying new things, setting aside more time for intimacy, or discussing emotional needs, this dialogue can lead to actionable steps that elevate your connection.

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Interested in Starting Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN?

Having these conversations may feel daunting at first, but the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort. By asking these questions and truly listening to your partner’s responses, you create an environment of trust and intimacy that can enhance your sexual relationship. Remember, the goal is not just to talk about sex, but to deepen your emotional connection and understanding of one another. Embrace the journey together!
Need to talk with someone other than your partner first? Or, process how that conversation went? Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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