How to Improve Your Sex Life Using Your Biggest Sexual Organ

​​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT

Do you know what your largest and most powerful sexual organ is? Your brain!
When was the last time you and your partner had a conversation about your sex life outside of the bedroom? If you can’t remember, it’s been too long!
Open communication about sex is essential in relationships. Many couples assume that sexual compatibility should come naturally. Just like any other skill in life – it likely took time, energy, and investment to get there. Sex is no different. One way you can instantly improve your sex life is to have more in-depth conversations about how your sex life is going and what you need from it. Doing this can help with libido concerns, sexual dysfunction, sexual pain, desire, mismatch, and more!
One way to do this is with a few open-ended questions. Here are a few to get you started!

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1. What Does Great Sex Mean to You?

Sex means different things to different people. For some, it’s about emotional connection; for others, it’s about pleasure, exploration, or stress relief. There is no wrong answer here. 

• How to approach it: Reflect on a past sexual experience that in your mind went really well. What made it good?
  
  • What types of things were involved?
    
  • Was there anything different about it? Did it go outside your normal sexual routine?
    
  • How did it make you feel about yourself? About your relationship?

2. What Are Your Boundaries and Hard No’s?

Boundaries are fundamental to maintaining a safe and pleasurable sex life. Communicating your needs and boundaries to your partner is an important part of the sexual relationship. You and your partner may have different comfort levels with certain activities, and acknowledging these differences fosters trust and mutual respect.
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• How to approach it: Foster a non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable discussing their boundaries. Respect is key—never pressure your partner into anything they are uncomfortable with. Also remember: “Don’t yuck someone else’s yum”- meaning do not shame your partner by expressing distain for something they like.

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3. How Do You Feel About Frequency and Spontaneity?

Differences in libido can create tension in a relationship. One of the most common issues I that brings couples to sex therapy is the mismatch in sexual frequency and initiation styles. Understanding each other’s expectations can prevent frustration and help maintain intimacy.

• How to approach it: Have an honest discussion about what feels like an ideal frequency for both of you. Don’t focus too much on “solving” any differences that come up on frequency. Instead, validate your partner for how they feel. Remember you are a team and are there to support each other. This might sound like “I hear you saying that you feel rejected when I turn you down for sex. That must be really hard to deal with. Let’s talk more about how I can make you feel wanted that works for both of us”.

4. Are You Feeling Wanted by Me?

When was the last time you told your partner they were attractive? Or maybe looked good in a particular outfit they wore that day? 
How to approach it: To jump-start the conversation in a positive way, try each sharing 3 things that attract you to your partner. Then ask what else they might need in order to feel “wanted”. 

5. How do you want to handle it when things don’t go as planned?

Did you know that sex goes badly or not so well about 15% of the time for couples with no reported sexual concerns? This statistic tells us it’s very normal for things to go awry during sexual activity. Talking about how you want things to go before they happen helps set you up to avoid bad feelings and/or avoid them happening with regularity. 

• How to approach it: Approach this conversation with curiosity and playfulness. 
  
  • “You know, I was reading this article that told me sex goes badly at least 15% of the time for regular couples with no issues. I also read that it can be helpful to plan out what we do when our “regular” issues surface. Let’s discuss how we each want to handle this and how we want to feel supported by the other. 

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Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN

Discussing sex might feel awkward at firstcommon-sex-therapy-questions-insight-from-a-minnesota-sex-therapist.html, but if you can laugh a little through the awkwardness to get to some meaningful conversation…you won’t regret it!
So, when’s your next date night? Consider setting aside time to answer 1 or more of these questions. Want more support? Our sex therapists want to help you address sexual concerns here in Plymouth, or anywhere in the state with online therapy in Minnesota. Get started by following these simple steps:

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin building better communication with your partner, overcome sexual concerns and experience new fun and intimacy in your relationship!​

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.

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