Help! We Aren’t Having Sex Anymore, and I Honestly Don’t Want to Deal with It

​​Written by Sexual Wellness Institute Owner and Therapist, Amanda Holmberg, MS LMFT

Let’s be honest: it’s not uncommon to hit a point in a relationship where sex just...stops happening. Maybe it’s been weeks, months, or even years. Maybe it fizzled slowly or dropped off suddenly. You’re likely way too burnt out with life to deal with this right now and would prefer to keep avoiding it.
If you’re thinking, “Yes, this is me,” we want you to know: that’s okay. Really. We understand that adult life, with all its responsibilities, doesn’t exactly create great context and conditions for intimacy. Instead, the stress of it all can often create low libido.

Let’s Talk About Avoidance—With Compassion

Not wanting to deal with it doesn’t mean you don’t care. In fact, avoidance is often a form of self-protection. Maybe you’re afraid that talking about it will lead to more issues. Maybe the idea of “fixing” your sex life feels overwhelming on top of everything else you’re juggling with work, kids, caregiving, burnout, or just trying to get through the week.
Or maybe, if you’re honest, you don’t miss it much. That’s fair and understandable. We may not miss it because we are way too stressed to think about the work it would take to get things going again. Or maybe it was never really that great in the first place. 
Your lack of desire might be temporary, situational, or enduring. What matters most is: how is the absence of sex affecting you (and your relationship, if you’re in one)? Is it causing distress? Creating disconnection? Stirring up resentment or insecurity? Or is it just a quiet silence no one knows how to name?
Avoiding the conversation might bring temporary relief, but over time, it often builds distance, confusion, or assumptions that never get clarified. That’s where sex therapy can help. We don’t have to put pressure on goals or performance, but we can provide support and a space to name what’s going on.

Why Does Sex Stop?

There are so many reasons sex might stop in a relationship. Often, it’s a combination of at least a few things. Here are some more common reasons:

• Stress, exhaustion, and burnout
• Parenting or caregiving responsibilities
• Shifts in desire or sexual orientation
• Medical issues, medications, or hormonal changes
• Pain or discomfort during sex
• Relationship conflict/resentment
• Feeling emotionally disconnected
• Shame or body image concerns
• Fears around sex
• Trauma history resurfacing
• Lack of time, space, or privacy - HELLO parents of young children! We see you.

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What If I Don’t Want to Want Sex Right Now?

That’s okay.
Desire is complex. It’s responsive, relational, emotional, physical, and psychological. If the idea of reigniting a sex life feels more like a chore than a curiosity, we get it. We know better than to ask you, “What turns you on? Or “What do you like?” If you knew the answers to those questions, you might not be here. 
It might help to ask:

• Do I feel emotionally connected in this relationship?
• Do I feel safe and seen in my body?
• What messages about sex have I absorbed that might be influencing me now?
• Is the topic of sex just so dang shameful that I can’t discuss it?
• Is there resentment I haven’t been able to express?
• Am I grieving, healing, or in a period of deep transition?
• Has a life transition changed the way I experience sex? Do I maybe need something different now than I did before?

Lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with your relationship, or something you have to fix right now. You don’t have to “fix” anything to start exploring these questions. Many couples remain very committed and in love despite a lack of sex. Again, it’s about deciding what is a problem for YOU and your relationship. 

What If My Partner Wants More Sex Than I Do?

Desire discrepancies or mismatched desire are one of the most common reasons people seek sex therapy. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means there’s a gap that needs understanding, and not a problem that needs blaming.
We often help partners learn how to talk about sex without pressure, shutdown, or defensiveness. That might involve learning new ways to define intimacy, exploring different forms of touch or connection, or even redefining what “sex” means for you as a couple.

Final Thoughts: Start Where You Are

You don’t have to want sex right now. You don’t have to be ready to dive into a big conversation. You don’t have to know where it’s all going. 
At the Sexual Wellness Institute, we don’t rush the process. We listen. We help you sort through the layers- individually, with a partner, or however you choose to show up. And we hold space for the reality that sexual wellness is about honoring who you are and where you’re at. And if you’re not ready to deal with it today? That’s okay too. We’ll be here when you are.

Consider Sex Therapy in Plymouth, MN

Sex Therapy offers a compassionate space to untangle avoidance, reduce shame, and gently rebuild trust and intimacy, whether or not you choose to prioritize sex right now. Many clients find renewed understanding, closeness, and relief from pressure, allowing them to move forward feeling seen, respected, and empowered in their relationships and within themselves. When you're ready for us, we're ready for you.

1. Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
2. Meet with one of our skilled sex therapists for an intake appointment.
3. Begin to feel more at ease with your own pace and needs, while discovering new ways to connect—emotionally, physically, or both—on your terms.

Other Mental Health Services in Minnesota

In addition to sex therapy, our LGBT & polyamory friendly sex therapists provide a wide range of mental health services at our Plymouth, MN counseling office. Other services include couples therapy & marriage counseling, EFT, evidence-based couples therapy, EMDR & sexual trauma therapy, as well as, teen therapy. In order to help serve the mental health needs of all those living in Minnesota, we also offer online counseling & sex therapy. We also provide a variety of helpful tips on our mental health blog. Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you would like to schedule an appointment to begin working with a skilled sex therapist! Your sex life can be amazing. Sex therapy can be a part of that process for you.